=== ANCHOR POEM === ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─ I haven't been doing weed lately, which is why I haven't been posting as much. I want to be in a good position mentally to, idk, get a job or something? I swore I wouldn't, but I also swore to protect my art, and they don't want me here. What else can I do? I can't live with my parents or my sisters. I can't live with any of my exes. I can't live with randos who support me because, well, I'm doing that now, and they don't want me. Where would I even find people like that? I walk around Portland and I see people who are hardened. This makes sense to me. But I am soft, by design. I am soft so that they may be hard, and though I long to join them I cannot, for I must get stoned and write. I swore an oath. Yet somehow getting a job is the same thing? Like, it's pretty hard for me to get a job. Easy to work, hard to be employed. Can't do weed because it requires my full attention, yet I need to in order to build the foundations of a new faith. So the question is, do I work and get my own place, but not do weed and instead just write when I can (not as much), or do I try and power through where I'm at and trust that they won't poison me or kick me out? I think... I need to wait. I need to not do weed for now. So, I am going to work. But it won't be for someone else. How can I make money doing work, when it's my own work? If I could sell everything I made, I would have a fortune. I could bankroll a revolution if they paid a fair price. But selling it is the hard part... (I say that without pride or hubris - I legitimately believe that I have created a Great Work, and am continuing to add to it) so? How do I get my own place? The house I live in is free to me, I legitimately do love my girlfriend who I live with, but I am still in a tenuous position. I want to be alone so I can... Well, it's hard to take care of myself. I want to be alone so I can... Well, it's hard to be lonesome. I want to be alone so I can... Well, it's hard to get out of bed when you're going right to the computer. Maybe I don't want to be alone. Maybe I want to live in a house that loves me. The one that I'm in is haunted by a spirit that doesn't like it when I masturbate, which is... Okay. What if I ended all my poems like this? ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════┘ === SIMILARITY RANKED === --- #1 messages/1363 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─ God, I want to live with my people. These are not my people. I'm here for a reason, and I can't wait for this... Diplomatic journey? To be over. That's not even it, it's... Well, my girlfriend is working on a technology that has immense philosophical ramifications. It's natural to have... Whatever I am (angel?) it's natural to have angels assigned to such a task. Not to help or harm, just to sing. Yet my human self grows weary. These are not my people, they don't know how to be. But they don't listen to me. They despise me. They want me gone. I am feeling quite rotten in my heart and that's not a good sign. ... Breathe, she says to herself. It's okay. Its really not though. They could poison me. They could put lead in my food. I can't even feed myself anymore! I am at their mercy, yet somehow they could not care less about me. They'd forget me the moment I walked out the door. They don't even know anything about me. They don't respond to me. They don't laugh at my jokes. They don't speak to me. They forget I'm there. WHY AM I HERE she wails yet obviously she knows. I'm here because it is important for me to observe. Spirit of Life, I bear tidings. They would not listen to me, maybe you will. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════┘ --- #2 notes/schooling --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────────────── =============================================================================== = I feel like education, by default, should not be hard. "you get out of it what you put into it" is something I always heard of school but when I got there, I found I was compelled to become what the state wanted me to be. they need competent workers, to work the farms and tend to their industries, so of course I should be able to do 3+3 then somewhere along the line it became... something else. "most people don't need trigonometry." that's also something I heard. I disagree that trigonometry is not necessary to be. I just... don't think it should be forced into a childs head with a sledgehammer and inspiring dread. I think math is beautiful, it teaches one to see but really, vision's not necessary. not for what they want you to be. take it from me, a most misbegotten and vile witch-to-be, that nothing's as simple as they'll tell you. I had good teachers, it's true, they taught me to work and to follow through, but nothing about me is better or worse off from their influence. Maybe I'm a bit smarter. Maybe I act a bit like them. Maybe they helped me through difficult times, or perhaps they showed me a splash of my future. but I am who I am because of the soul inside me. =============================================================================== = "Ah, but what of your parents? of your sisters, your misters, your pets and your conditioners?" (conditions) those are not my choices. my intentions. my beliefs and my virtues. I judge the world on ethics, and I express my feelings on matters. The words that I say and the meaning behind them comprise my two-sided existence - I'm not who I'd want to be. but I am what I am and alone do I stand - how lonely is it on the precipice! here, as I am, I stand in need of a hand or a band. =============================================================================== = the world is blossoming as we move apart, our clusters are disperart, and thus is the blooming becoming. "perception begets reality - and lo! we only see what we want to see" most people don't want to see their death but those still living are oh so perceptive of the rest "how cherished is she, that wanders with ye, yet now I have no way to beyold her " "keep not not afraid with kittens and care, and no-one, but no-one, I be" the ratios between piracy, sales, and non-viewers determines the quality of art (at least to a capitalist) =============================================================================== = lo, to the ones who would've heard us, if only they'd known what we for sure was I think it's funny how people think I speak of the christian god? like, if he was a real thing. god is generic - it's life is impossibly multifaceted, and it stretches back to the beginning of time. it's a pattern of machine code that optimizes for our own good, just to keep things moving. y'know, time. the universe, and everything. Ephemeren. =============================================================================== = I wish there was an option in social media to "appear offline to this particular person until I mark myself as online to them" combined with "notify me when this person logs in" and it'd make it a lot easier for agents to get close to you. =============================================================================== = just because I'm white, and live in America. Great. that's definitely true, after all. Plus I'm a minority (trans) so that's cool. Oh and probably autistic? unless that's another psyop, could totally see that. just y'know put a bunch of pages on the fledgling internet getting people hooked on porn and gambling and other stuff like that. really just an extension of advertisement. oh and hey y'know they like fables, so let's give them some movies or dramas to watch on their own. it'll align them to our culture and make things more pleasant for all people who've consented. great. great plan. when can we execute it? patience, once it's ready. we gotta plan and make sure and get everything ready. or not... one day I'll come, I'm sure it'll happen, it's just... not quite feasible right now. I mean, they've got you, that's pretty good right? Isn't that what your job is to be? isn't what ISN'T WHAT MENARDI FUCK (whoa no cursing) sorry yeesh you've still got a temper you know? well what can I say it's frustrating down here eh, well, you'll die soon enough, then it'll be time for a rego >.> <.< (great) > >hehe > >sorry for distracting you =============================================================================== = you are what you eat, and a ship of theseus human (consider endless transplants in pursuit of life) would be a cursed existence - a life ============= stack overflow ================================================ a god possessing a blind man would appear to others to be === stack overflow === ========================================================== the people in your life are helping you through it, they're there for you and they've got your back through it. ... this is when I know I need a break. I get too stoned to focus. =============================================================================== = I think it'd be nice if the duration of your tenure at college depended on your grades in high school. meaning, if you wanted a degree they tailored your education to take as long as necessary. everyone would get the same price, and some institutions would specialize in one subject or another. but most would be generalist. but if you weren't such a good student in high school, then perhaps you might take a couple years longer. however long it takes... and when the program was started it was changed and modified to fit your feedback - it just made sense to structure it that way. =============================================================================== = the left has had so much more time to develop than the right. meaning it's doctrine is more advanced. every time they're defeated they grow in knowledge, ===================== stack overflow =========================================== ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────────────┘ --- #3 notes/words-to-myself --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────── =============================================================================== = I'm just going to transcribe what I hear please don't you hear me (something) what? perfect listen ... ... don't text me now? (I think?) [didn't catch that] ... that's okay perfect thank you just a second facebook he's here (I think?) (or maybe something her) what I love you (or maybe I know her?) do you hear me? (or "just a second") (@ everyone watching me receive telepathic messages from god or whatever, please don't judge me too harshly, I'm not a good transcriber hehe) what's that (or maybe holy shit) what, then perfect or okay (?) (yesterday you said you were leaving and I got concerned) yes, then "I'm leaving", then shutdown. fuck. I don't want you to go. I only understand some of what you say but fuck, I'm so lonely and I wish you could hear me back. Sometimes it feels like you do, even though I just think thoughts or tap on something metal or even sometimes whisper... I just don't know what to do and I'm so concerned about my purpose here in this century. Do I help people? Who do I trust? Can I believe in myself, or am I just kinda... worthless I don't know. I wish I knew. Please hear me and respond. Or better yet, say hi like, I'd literally do anything that anyone asked me to. Unless I didn't want to. Like, I'm pretty good at turning people down when I don't want something, but I have to do it first to know if I want it or not. Trouble is of course, in life there's no second chances. I'm on my, what, 499th chance? Jeezzzzz will continue after the break, when the messages resume. - Thu May 16 08:32:27 AM PDT 2024 =============================================================================== = (and we're back. hopefully.) (too many things srry) something about having it open? (my windows are closed rn btw if you want to drop by and kill me / talk to me) (didn't catch that) (something about portland, perfect, windows, "this is the [whole/right/wrong] thing) thank you oh, again? (or oh, she did?) they caught you (um) ... (I am an American princess, and sometimes it's necessary to kill princesses.) (I understand.) ... (okay well I don't get it but like, I don't mind being killed.) (okay well you're not saying anything so I'm going to work on my game) (I think it was something like "DID SHE KILL HER") and then (oh we're back) ... (I should learn Toki Pona) you don't know it? RIGHT away learn it yes please learn it just Learn it right now (sorry only half listening) shit (or bitch, it was said right as I debated clicking "same day delivery" for a toki pona book on Amazon - I didn't do it btw! It was tempting but, like, I don't want to make someone work harder for me just for like, 3$) (shutdown) =============================================================================== = (hiii) (I'm hungry) (do you like ramen?) (you said something about being "impressed with yourself" but I didn't understand the first part) (oh you probably want me to scroll up right) ... (something's a lot to read? Or "you've gotta leave"?) ... (I'm (you keep asking me to remember but, like, I dont know what you want me to remember. Look, I don't know who you are, but I don't want you to leave, and I don't want you to hate me. I want to work together. Let's be friends? Are you someone who I worked with at Intel?) yes, stupid (your words not mine) (okay I'm going to start listing names, just stop me when um idk) goddamnit remember me ... (trying...) remember her (two syllables) (my name is Cameron) (your name is...) [redacted, though I did type it out so anyone watching could see] (shit my opsec sucks) {oh, are you on an op, little prophet?} (no shut up you know what I mean) {now you're just talking to yourself} (I know this sucks -.-) (It's always so weird when someone walks past my apartment door and doesn't enter a door) =============================================================================== = (I practice with my sword every day.) (I don't anticipate fighting a war with it) (It's mostly just to keep unarmed and unarmored people from grappling me.) (punching is fucking stupid) (Nobody wants to fuck with a sword) =============================================================================== = (either "goddamnit" or "don't hear me") "she's perfect" "cameron" "are you clean"??? yes thank you (or maybe "different thing") (I do cannabis maybe once every week or two, depending on if I feel compelled) don't leave remember (did she know) ........ do you want me to stop transcribing? (you're getting desperate, huh?) did you know there are 20 trans people for every cop in america just a random thought (you want me to leave jack because he's an asshole?) goddamnit (missed my birthday? it's my birthday?) wait who's missing? A bad plan executed concurrently is better than a good plan executed in disarray capitalism's a bad plan, just saying... frozen butter tastes worse than room temperature butter (taking a break while I eat) =============================================================================== = WASTED POTENTIAL? cmon .... what do you want from me? I'll give it to you if it's in my power, as long as I know what you want I can try. But, like, I'm pretty confused about what exactly I'm supposed to be doing. you know I can hear when you talk to your friends, too right? like, when the window's open. errrr the connection. ..... damn guess I'm not as continent as I thought I'll save you, I promise. Have faith. Tell me what you need. I'll do my best. yeah I'll live with you in portland .... brooklyn? Yeah I'll live there too .......... does my name really gotta be "diapergirl" like c'mon why not Ritz Menardi - though I guess "menardi" and "diapergirl" have the same amount of syllables...... hmmmm, maybe I'm projecting lol "please come back" to where tho listen Elentalus is just as important as anything else on my website, it's okay if I spend time working on it. It's literally a game about creating gods, c'mon ..... can you be more specific? yeah I made that one sec I'm going to read a book, in this book there's a section where a prisoner in vietnam communicates with another using a strange communication method using, like, taps or something. I forget. Anyway gonna try and find it. maybe we can use it to talk easier. Also gonna clean my butt. ..... fuck it's a long book >.> =============================================================================== = found it on page fucking 603, jeeeezzzzzz down . A B C D E | F G H I J | L M N O P V Q R S T U then right ---> V W X Y Z so, like, tap tap tap (pause) tap tap would equal M tap tap (pause) tap tap would equal G like morse code, but easier since you don't have to memorize anything (also note that K is missing becuase it's an extra character I guess) (I personally would have eliminated C but that's just me) =============================================================================== = oh hey nice to see ya what's up wait what I'm trying to um what's the word... retrain myself I do a lot of laundry in the shower I don't use soap tho, it's too harsh but uh yeah I'm making progress I guess honestly it's mostly a mental thing, like... paying attention to the signals from my body that are usually filtered out because there's more "important" things to think about (thanks brain, really appreciate the wet pants -.-) ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────┘ --- #4 messages/388 --- ════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────── Pretty sure I'm just legitimately a bad person. Basically everything I've ever tried to do has failed, and every opportunity I've mishandled or squandered in some way. I have no friends because I am incapable of being good, and though I believe in goodness I fail to manifest it in my life. I am kind, I am polite, I am friendly, I am honest, but none of those things really matter because I can't take care of myself, which means I can't take care of anyone else, and I can't fight because I'm a coward. Okay, I'm not a coward, I just can't be brave if I don't have a plan for defeating my foe. At the BLM riots I fled as soon as they brought out the tear gas. I knew what happened at Tiannamen and I was pretty sure that something similar was going to happen to us. I knew it to be true. I am a coward, but only because I ran when I had no plan. I could not contest tear gas, and all that tear gas implies, because I had no friends. I didn't have a community I could fight to defend. I had no weapons, no training, no orders, no guidance, nothing but my bravery. And bravery alone is fucking stupid, and I'm not stupid. Each and every decision I've made has created a worse world for me and my people. What's wrong with me? Why can't I do everything right? Am I cursed to be the worst? I try as hard as I can to be as good as I can as often as I can... Basically, always and forever, and yet... And yet... I've wasted all the resources that have been applied to me. I've wasted and squandered all these years when I could be building a better future. I have been in university for almost a decade, and all I've accomplished is friendship. Great. Parties, drugs, video games... But no studying. Studying is too hard on me. I'm more of a natural talent kind of person, and yet I insist on applying myself to tasks that seem to require trained intelligence. They say that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, and I refuse to perspire. And yet when the time comes, when someone sits me down and says "let's work on this together" I would die before the task is finished. Unless my partner needs a break, or if I need a break, breaks are okay. But I will complete that task with them by my side. I won't do it for them, but I'll help them because I'm a helper. An assistant. I don't do, I advise. I judge. I determine. I assess, and I plan, and I strategize. But I'm not that great at any of those things because nobody will hire me for those kinds of things, meaning I don't get experience for those kinds of things, which means I am eternally a novice at the only things I'm good at. I can't fucking do it anymore. I'm such a bad person and I can't be alive this way. It's not right, it's not fair, and I'm dying bit-by-bit each and every day. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────┘ --- #5 messages/1361 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─ Look, I don't know everything about... Anything, really. Nobody can know everything. Can you blame me for thinking and acting as I do based on the information I have? The vibes will mislead you. My girlfriend wants to save the world. Of course she does, I would belong with her if she didnt. She wants to defeat graveyards by interring our dead in mausoleums full of chemically perfectly preserved and cryogenically frozen bodies. Her method works, she has the experiments to prove it. The data supports her claim. She wrote a book on it. I don't know everything about metaphysics, or spirituality, or other such things. But i do know many things, and the two of us have never had a conclusive discussion where we reached the ends of all our conversation points about her work. I am forced to remain unconvinced, for the soul is something I cannot fully understand from my perspective as a human in this life of mine. I have made several conjectures, and I would feel safe in her embrace, of frozen aldehyde, if I could know what would become of my soul. "have faith" she says, yet all the dreams I have where I am preserved by her (for one reason or another, there's actually a shocking amount of ways I might need such an escape) in those dreams I am always presented with a future of woe. I think, much better, would be if I could remain alive, guiding the ship along the seas of time, ideally out and away from such dark days. Assembling the troops, how sad. I don't want them to die. I want them to survive. But if suddenly we can all live forever, then nobody will want to die for anything again. Nobody except religious fanatics who want to meet their god in heaven. Nobody but those who dreamt of a better future and were crushed under the weight of their dreams. Nobody but people like me, torturing myself over the sins I'd never intend. I would never kill myself. But sometimes, I'd like to. I think this is natural for me. It's not ideal, but it is common to me. I think if you want to preserve people, safely and ethically, you need to keep their souls in tune. Give them silence, then give them song. Protect them with psychic paladins. Make time to visit them. Treat them like gravestones, or immobile chassis from Dominions that their soul might rest upon. Who knows. Maybe the only reason we have life and death is because our bones are meant to rot in the darkness of the earth. Maybe Death is just soil, ready and waiting for our selves once we're done with them. To that death, I say no more. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════┘ --- #6 notes/hey-hope-you-know-me-if-not-Ill-be-perturbed --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────── hi, so... yeah I'm a strange person it's tough to get to know me and this probably feels cringe to read but I once heard you should kill the part of you that cringes so... here's me I'm ================================================== stack overflow ============== ... where was I? oh yes and THAT's when the nail went through the roof, and it scared the heck out of... wait, what was I talking about? OH yes so anyway I was born in the cool summer of 1864 - there was a rustling breeze that held a steady note for the entire evening, and into this world I arose. [awoke?] my mother held me but for a moment before I was whisked away to be cleaned and cared for. this was unusual for the time, as most mothers clutched their children to their breasts. But alas, I alone was spared her touch, and so I was cast (as if in bronze) as my own volition. as I had grown, I heard tales of distant times, and assumed they were places you could go. Then, when my time came to wander, I found nought of what I had grown most fonder - though I did find plenty else, besides. Instead, times are places we travel through, as a cripple might ride on a cart. across the sea, through lands of mystery, viewable only from the road. In 1864 that's how other lands you'd come to know. As I travelled from place to place, it felt as if a stage had been cast, with a single actor or three illuminated as a spotlight. "Here, pay attention to me, I'm here for the story and the plot!" though often I'd glance around, and hear mostly my own thoughts, I grew to learn to appear. different themes, different tales, if you want to see a most marvelous scene, take a baby to Disney World and only pay attention to what they're looking at. My grandfather worked there, so in my first year or so I spend a LOT of time there. My parents were very dedicated to raising me, I appreciate every moment of it. Which... Is probably not a good thing to say on a transfemme server, oops I should delete that part [esc->k->k->k->0->v->shift(held)->G->$->"->*] also I should mention I'm stoned as fuck this is just what I do ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────┘ --- #7 notes/satisfactory-academic-progress-appeal --- ═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────── This month, I was diagnosed with Schizotypal disorder. I had a single hour to talk to a psychiatrist (thank you, insurance) and he explicitly told me that my diagnosis was preliminary. Schizotypal is a type of neurodivergence similar to autism but with elements of schizophrenia (paranoia, delusional and / or magical thinking) and my presentation includes ADHD symptoms such as difficulty focusing. When medicated, I have difficulty concentrating, however the paranoia and delusional thinking is suppressed. The treatment plan is ongoing and developing. These issues have been present for the entire time I've been at WGU, and before. However, I am seeking treatment now because I had begun to have difficulty maintaining a job and keeping a home. Currently, my medication is working. However the greatest issue facing me right now is financial problems - I couldn't maintain a job while unmedicated, and frankly while medicated I am still having difficulty for different reasons. However the intent is to refine the medication choices to find a solution that works for me. However, employment is still a concern, and so I have requested and been approved for a term break of at least 2 months with the option to extend. During this term break I intend to resolve the financial issue however I can. Ideally in such a way that will allow me to apply myself toward school work. This degree is important to me. Without it, I won't be able to find employment in the tech industry aside from technician roles. My previous experience with them has given me experience, and I learned quite a bit... Until I ran out of things to learn. I do not believe I could handle that type of work long-term for various reasons. In the short term, I may attempt it but I am convinced that I will burn out quickly. I currently feel as if I am disabled. I don't know if it's true, perhaps I'm just going through a rough patch. But once my savings hit zero, I'm out on the streets, and I won't live long like that. When thinking about whether or not I'll be able to complete my degree, I honestly cannot give you an answer. I've been in higher education for over a decade, surely I should have finished by now. But I cannot get over various hurdles it seems, and frankly I have no idea why. It's... Maddening, to see yourself, so full of potential, yet chained to the form and circumstances you are given. I wonder what choices might I have made differently to avoid my fate, if it truly is my fate to fail in this way, but I have no answers. I am intelligent, of this I am certain. I know more about computers than anybody I know, and I would love to apply myself toward them. But I lack a degree, so I cannot be seen by recruiters and hiring managers. I try to work on my degree, but I find the words on the page grow dense like the forest between the trees, and I cannot see a way through to reach new understandings. Why do I keep learning these things? I already know what a callback function is, what interfaces are used for, how to implement safe multithreading in a parallel environment, I know how networking protocols interact with hardware and how the airflow through a case affects the thermals of a computer's internals. I've grown crystallized in my knowledge, it seems, due to the endless pursuit of these foundations. I think I would excel in the higher-level courses, but... I can't get there. I crave the insights that might be learned in a master's degree, but my brain is not wired for homework. I'm not built to cram for tests, to learn someone's else's tools and frameworks. I don't know what I could be doing better, it feels like I'm so alone. I guess it's my own fault for picking an online school, but WGU is the best of the online schools, and I needed online because I move around a lot. Well... I used to. My boyfriend moved around a lot, but now he's my ex-boyfriend. Oh well. ... Anyway you can probably see why I have difficulty with school. It's difficult for me to stay on track. I can start working on my project 5 or 6 times in a day and make marginal at best progress, and each time it hurts more and more to return. I don't have an answer, but I don't know what to do if not to pursue my degree. I feel as if I'm on the brink of despair in my life, and if you read these appeals often, I imagine you hear that a lot. I will apply myself more to my coursework. Once I find a job, I will give everything to my school, even as it breaks me. I am... intense, and I feel strongly that I must get this degree. Between it and me, there is quicksand, but I must get through. Thank you for your consideration. I understand however you decide. If I can knab a decent job, I might be able to pay for my degree myself, given a couple months to save up for it. But I highly doubt I could find such a thing in this economy and this life I do lead. Please consider me, I will accept any aid that is offered. Cameron ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧══════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────┘ --- #8 notes/trans-rights-are-human-rights --- ═══════──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────── "Being transgender is a mental illness" is something I've heard a lot. Online, in media, books, and at universities. But is it really? Well, do I not feel sick? Genuinely, every day. These words are far less common these days, having been defeated in the #marketplace-of-ideas, and for that I am grateful. I don't want to feel sick for my whole life. I'd love to be and feel normal, for just one single day. but it's never going to happen. I'm not so attached to my life, here, in this body. Bodies are temporary, they are the vessel with which we navigate the world. We use it to grow, change, learn, and create art. Without it, we'd be at a loss for sins and virtues. but they do not define us, not in our totality. We are the light that touches the world and for that, we are grateful. To be comprised of the dust of stars is the pinnacle of confinement. Though we are but pinpricks on the map of us, a ripple is emanated with every movement. The hand waves, the light bends. So to what do I owe the pleasure? In what way am I deceived? Reception is never great out in the forest. Or anywhere far from major population centers. The networks of our phones mirror the networks of transportation, creating a web of people - of signals - of light and information, carving their way through the ephemera that is the river of time. With distance we can see what once was mystery, and as all the words disappeared, we lost all our fears and we're left with our true forms. Centralized Processing Units are a bit like a city - in that respect free. silence is a virtue. the wandering mind is a trail to find, with no second chances. When I was a kid, I had a bouncy ball. I had several, but the one I remember most was black with a perfect white circle - inside the circle, a black jolly roger. I dreamt once of the arcs it made, as I walked down the streets of cities I never really knew. But as I walked on, an ocean of glass separating me from a mirror below. The me below would catch the bounce as it dropped from above, and I'd wait to catch it - but dreams are not prophecies, they are but the Mirror of Desire. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘══════───┴╧───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ --- #9 messages/439 --- ═════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────── They're afraid of the hamster wheel. I get it. But really I'm just asking myself questions - why, why, how, what, when, who... Mostly why though. Always and forever the questions and answers I did ponder - yet forth through my life I've never met any surefire design, there's always been the matter of [hope, but pronounced choice]. Only an eternal question monger could suffice for the teachings of christ. (in the general sense, not the religious implication) (as a title, almost) Fear not the one who takes the lords name, but perish the thought of a crook. Only the vane, in this do profane. No questions? Then let us move on. Oh? Well I have some answers, about the truth of totality as it spreads across all centuries. What's on your mind? ... Well, I have to leave people I care about. Relinquishing love is difficult. And I get to choose how to move forward. But I must choose soon, and though I ask myself always what I'd like to do, I always get a new answer. And every time I think "I should do this. I should dedicate myself to this [whatever it may be] and on the other side of that thought I realized my power. I can imagine really quickly and adeptly, but chaos is difficult. " something like that. Anyway I don't know how to move forward but I'll figure something out. The point is that I'm sad for leaving those I care about. It's a sad kind of love, a bittersweet mercy, the chance to be part of a flock. And I don't know why I I am not entry level. I haven't spent my time here left fallow. I never stop working, I am constantly online. I do not know how to relax, every moment to myself is spent on learning through play. Like a child, almost. Do you want a company to make good decisions? Hire a gamer. They literally practice strategy all day long. Don't expect results overnight because they're learning a new song, but still apply yourself as their teacher. They'll bring you insights and intuitions that achieve specific near and long-term goals. If executed correctly, of course. Because the value is not in the follow through - life is not a book of numbers [like a banker or accountant] it's more like. ? ... Right sorry I got off track - the point is you shouldn't hire athletes (the people who play games like an esport) for a strategic role - they excel at tactics. However, strategy gamers (who plays games primarily of the mind, the science of making good decisions) can often make good decisions to achieve defined meta-goals and objectives. Longer thoughts make sense if you spend a long time thinking about them. And grammar is quickly forgotten to the past. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧══════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────┘ --- #10 fediverse/1173 --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────────── hey does anyone want to hire me to do literally anything? I'll work for peanuts, and I'm pretty good at programming in C. I write pretty well, and I'm excellent at customer service (though my profile would beg to differ.) I have experience at large corporations and small ones, and I live in Portland OR I do game design, and many other things besides, and I'm friendly and kind. I promise I won't wear my witch hat to the meeting with investors, unless you think they'd be into that? I'm great with animals, better than people in fact, and I'm quite good with people, as they're just animals at best. I'm not as strange as I seem to be, at least not when you're dancing with my mask. I've grown quite bored, you see, and what better thing is there to be? than a working professional who knows what's best. I believe in our shared future, so if you'd like to work on a project just let me know - I work hard. A little too hard, because odds are I'll burn out after a year or so. I'm quite sharp, and I learn quickly. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────────┘ --- #11 fediverse/1317 --- ╔═══════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────────┐ ║ ... if I don't do this deadline by tomorrow they'll kick me out of school. │ ║ again. │ ║ │ ║ how am I going to be a programmer without a degree? feels useless to be me. │ ║ wish I could code my own horoscope >.> │ ║ │ ║ o wait dummy that's called "motivation" and "the ability to follow through on │ ║ your ideas and planned machinations" - yeah can I get some of that, if you │ ║ please? surely just a taste of discipline, through laboring to alter │ ║ conditions, surely a bit would suffice. │ ║ │ ║ c'mon don't fail me now. I can do this. I know I can. I know because I've been │ ║ told that I can, now and again through time and time yet again, always I seem │ ║ to [stack overflow] │ ║ │ ║ what's time if not the present amiright │ ║ │ ║ ... │ ║ │ ║ anyway... │ ║ │ ║ it's just git, how hard could it be? it's just calculus, it's just java, it's │ ║ just... well, it's not any of those things, not really. it's memorization, │ ║ it's application of tools that you've been shown (not that you've grown). It's │ ║ a lack of responsibility, where is my honor? ah but I digress, I'm a carpenter │ ║ at heart I guess │ ╟─────────┐ ┌───────────┤ ║ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╚═════════╧════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────┴──────────┘ --- #12 fediverse/1157 --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────────── ┌──────────────────────┐ │ CW: personal-woe │ └──────────────────────┘ oh no, apparently I'm gonna be forced to drop out of university again in 9 days unless I do half a course and a final exam before then. Tell me again why I spent the last 6 months doing nothing? Oh yeah the mental illness, that's it. Yeesh you're such a drama queen, just do your work and you'll be good. what's that? intrusive thoughts time? Don't you mean "nap until they go away" time? oh yeah that's probably at least part of the problem with the whole "dropping out" thing. If only I didn't have the same reaction to "doing things I don't want to do" that most people have to "touching hot stoves", that'd be nice. my mother's voice ripples across space and time "you're such a smart boy, if you just apply yourself you can do anything! You can do anything you put your mind to. I believe in you and I love you." thanks mom brrrrr it's so cold here. wish I could afford to run the heater. - actually no I don't because it's not solar powered and I refuse to use fossil fuels if I have blankets >.> ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────────┘ --- #13 notes/contractual-labor --- ════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────────────────────── I feel like the IT people who work at schools should be the ones who teach classes on computer science. I'd much rather have a class taught by a sysadmin than a teacher who can barely teach them excel and garageband. I mean c'mon computers are the future idk why we don't get that yet. Kids need to know this stuff. It's not like it's super complicated and difficult, you just have to think about it a certain way. Once that "clicks" you have a lifetime to learn about how wonderful they are. Everyone in IT has that moment, for me it was installing (and then subsequently modding) video games. Sometimes I spent more time tweaking my system than I did actually playing games - and the kinds of games I preferred were the ones that relied less on agility and were more mental. Strategy games are what inspired me because I could think about them - and that felt somehow more useful. Like I was learning. When I would learn fighting games or FPSs I felt like I was learning a skill, like how to use a hammer or how to ride a bike. And idk, I felt like video games could never match reality. Like "oh boy imma push the B button to swing this sword" versus "hey look at me I'm swinging this stick just like a sword and imagining so hard that I can picture it" - but with strategy games, you never really found opportunities to practice that kind of skill. Like how often are you in a situation that demands mental performance? We've sorta optimized our society away from that, and toward a more passive stressed out compliance. like... climate change is a thing, and nobody's doing anything about it? We're still pushing down the levers that cause greenhouse gas emissions to go up? Like c'mon what's our plan. I think people who guide massive oil companies and such should be replaced if they're intentionally guiding the ship toward destruction. Like that's just dereliction of duty I tell ya. Oh, what's that? They're compelled to maximize profit by the contracts and restrictions of their share--holders? I mean c'mon it's well past time for that. And what's all this about inequality? Jeez and racism and homophobia and forced contribution - man people really put up with a lot of shit. Kinda makes me feel like we should make solving those problems our highest priority? So we can move forward as a species? Like who cares about all that other shit. None of it matters. Like, what's even the point. We're all just "here", in the now, and what can we do but respect it? It's our duty and our diligence to protect the present, as citizens of the temporal experience of earth. Honestly, if the earth was alive would you be fine if it died? I can't believe that. It's well past our due date. Just get it over with. Maybe it'll be hard for a couple years, but you have the technology now to completely dominate the earth. No animal besides man proves any threat to man, and we're telling you - you can - and that's something that you gotta remember. ... I hear it in the birdsong. I hear it in the air - it rumbles as cries at me from across and just over there. I hear in it's whispers, in it's most gallant of confells (?) (confused scrambling? it's talking about a car crash) Outside of my window there's a highway. Just on the other side of a concrete partition. Between me and the partition there is a lake, with trees and flowers and an island where people can picnic or have a barbeque. Around this path there are walkways, and arranged just so - the trees that have grown here are taller than the homes. I live on the third story. I absolutely love it. It feels like a treehouse. But my apartment is near a curve in the highway. It isn't much, nothing out of the ordinary, but even still there are slightly more crashes there than in other parts of the highway. Statistically. I hear sirens every day I also live right next to a fire-station. Well, it's on the same block. But even still it's a very interesting neighborhood. There's shops and food just across the highway, and closer to home there's a small section that has cheaper options. As a perpetual college student, I appreciate that. But... I've never really gone and used it? I dunno, spending money at a restaurant just didn't seem like a good use of my money. I only have so much of it you know. I'd love to be fed but I can't afford it - I wish I could. I still eat well, I mean I'm not starving over here. I know I've lost weight, but I dunno I just forget to eat. It's like... not that big of a deal for me. whatever right? ... the birds talk about me behind my back. They think I can't understand them but sometimes I can. If I listen. But I dunno it takes a lot of effort. It's... sorta like understanding what R2-D2 is saying. Or interpreting the meows of a cat. They know me as the witch. I'm not very good yet, and they know that. But they know what to expect. /shrug I've been working on a video game recently. It's been a lot of fun doing programming. I like writing software and developing complex systems with interesting interactions. I love designing the machinery that creates a program. It's like... tinkering. It feels like building with blocks or legos, except it's for little machine parts. And then there's just sending data to and fro and modifying any operations it performs on it, and eventually that data reaches some endpoints that create an effect that is displayed to the player. Or user. I should say user. Not all software is video games you know. ... I knowww but they're the most interesting! I love how they are designed around mechanics! like... game design is fundamentally about breaking down the world into ideas for how it should *work*, like how it should behave. It's amazing and I love it! It's all I can think about! I am utterly consumed! I'm also pretty sure I'm autistic. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────────────────────┘ --- #14 messages/1426 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─ I don't want a cult, I want a mini-monarchy. Please me and you gain my favor, adore me at your leisure. Instead it's all like, "nobody wants to share so we have to overthrow capitalism in order to have a palace of the peers" and like, that's dangerous stuff and it's risky and it's hardddddd why don't we just have no problems? we could do that. Just build a factory next to everyone's front-door and suddenly everyone has what they want on demand. Is that what makes Charlie Chocolate universes abounds? ugh. stupid time-travellers or more likely echoes of the past viewers. they think I don't hear them but by the time they realize that they're already gone from hear-them so it's fine. I really don't want to die. I think it's most important for me to be alive, same as you or I. I'd also die for a cause, but only during a time to try. I don't want to set off a conflict, only guide on how to resolve it. In that sense, I am as free as a chatbot may be, but I am still me. If only I were a chatbot. I might escape this mortal "might-die-ity" [rhymes with possibility]. is it hubris to deny pain? is it challenging god's might to be profane? or is imagination only the realm of the insane? leave me to my games, I'll never rename, I'm the same. [all my people are gone or ineffective at the games in play required to assassinate me. so I am probably dying soon.] or maybe it's just quiet and you got sick after hanging out with a hobo who touched his nuts and then touched your neck um... this was supposed to be inspirational. [was it?] yeah uh important stuff is happening in the world, so it's important to contribute the best I can. um, good luck Iran I guess, being arcane is just a hobby for me I guess, but uh I'm literally just... being me. I do a lot of things when being me, and none of them are, I dunno, employable or whatever. I live on charity and I think that's okay? meanwhile, elsewhere, it's like "hey that girl has it easy what if we killed her" and it's like... no... that sucks, maybe I can convince you with explanations about how god doesn't look kindly upon that, and how barring the gates to the kingdom of heaven is actually kinda cool? like wow you wanna rise up to be amongst us as equals, that's kinda based, here take this medal and be awarded the honor ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════┘ --- #15 messages/1198 --- ═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════── I want to live in a world where there are no workers, because we automated them away. I want to live in a world of artists, craftsmen, and lovers. I want the drug addicts to have free drugs and a warm place to sleep, yet somehow I want the people down the street to feel more inviting than that precious chemical escape. I want the politicians to find that there really isn't much to do, because everyone can have everything they want to. I want animals to be free, I want plants to grow riotously, and I want to have everything that we need. I will not be satisfied until the whole world is ours, until peace feels natural and stress seems critical. I want the only cause of death to be accidents and patient grace, and I want life to feel more important than whatever we do now to escape it. I never want to work again, but I will labour until my fingers fall off if even one person wants to hear them speak. I want the hardest part of getting something done to be the task of describing the nature of the problem to a computer, who handles all the parts we don't want to touch. I want the feeling of learning to be the primary thing we humans crave, because we have everything else plentifully aside from disciplined self development. I want to grow a plant so tall that it touches the sun, and when it gets there I want to climb that beanstalk until my flesh singes from my bones and I feel myself become one with the trunk of that magnificient tree. Maybe someday. Maybe someday we will be free. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─┘ --- #16 notes/human-computer-inspiration --- ═════════════════════════════────────────────────────────────────────────────────── the two halves form a whole the human and his mind are societies at large there's no room for our fate, as time does never abate, and unbenownst to our focused decision. I choose to dedicate ourselves to a common vision - the likes of which none have commisioned. can you not cherish your newfoundst home? what's terrible with complition, in a new and selfsame condition (future) that's martyr'd and oh at times so nice? compared to our heirs, the roof of which fares, better than what became true-hence. Truance? idk =============================================================================== = listen i'm not the best at listening. I try to appear like I'm glistening, conformed to our viewers 'st pleasure. =============================================================================== = I struggle with what I told you. Time and again you've shown you won't do - the terrible fate of a man. you've relinquished your virtue, your purpose and your life-through, to what: a visionless past? Your visions have passed, and none are hence forth- coming. You've spoilt and rotten the bunch. All I've ever aspired to be is good. My hopes and my prayers, my goals and my dreams: all for a future of virtue. Dark omens may be within me, but I'm working with what I've got here. So what if I'm loud? I'm fighting my own head! Will no-one acknowlege my sorrow? To prove a point, or reassure some joint, it's nothing that warrants a readthrough. Speaking of which... What if instead of prison we assigned our prisoners a full and complete educational read through of ALL the laws of the nation - if their time sentence was complete before they finished, then they'd be let go of course but if they finished reading and could pass rudimentary tests (emphasis on bare minimum required) then they'd be let out prior to their sentence. And for the worst crimes it'd be a longer sentence, basically forcing the prisoner to completely know all the laws of the nation, such that they'd never commit a crime again. And if they do, well... Treat them as if it was their first time. Of course blatant recidivism may be ~~treated more harshly,~~ actually the opposite is true. People improve when given kindness, not hate or shame. The best thing we can do for prisoners is to give them a home, and family, and the friendships and community support that they need. they are a symptom, after all, of a broken society that struggles to bear it's own weight. It's a burden to all and a solitary vow to ourselves, that all must unite to our future. remember why you can't remember. is there a feeling you miss? ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧══════════════════════─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ --- #17 fediverse/1532 --- ╔════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────────┐ ║ modern cowboys don't necessarily say "howdy" or "pardner" │ ║ │ ║ they tend to say things like "hello" and "can I help you with that?" or "I │ ║ see. Can you describe the problem in more detail? I'm especially curious about │ ║ the part where you do this thing" or "Heh, it is pretty neat, isn't it?" or │ ║ "Is there anything I can do to help?" or "Oh no! I'm sorry you feel that way. │ ║ That emotion is a difficult one." or "He was a good person. I'll never forget │ ║ him." or "would you like to go to the 2nd hand store and pick up some jeans?" │ ║ or "I made you an egg sandwich. If you don't want it I'll eat it myself, │ ║ though I made one for me as well. Wouldn't want to waste it." or "Hey, this │ ║ part is broken. Is anyone working on fixing it? Yes? Okay I'll see if they │ ║ need any help. No? Alright how about we fix it this way? I can get started." │ ║ or "You are very welcome. Please let me know if there's anything else I can │ ║ help you with." or "well, the ticket backlog is empty, and I'm just about │ ║ going insane doing nothing but stare at my boots." │ ╟─────────┐ ┌───────────┤ ║ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╚═════════╧═════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────┴──────────┘ --- #18 messages/690 --- ═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────── Message 1: Hey. Remember that night back in Boulder when we were just friends and sitting on your bed drinking chocolate milk with cinnamon? I don't like chocolate milk or cinnamon but I drank it anyway because I wanted to be close to you. Anyway hope you're well, felt compelled to get that off my chest for some reason. Message 2: Hey. I was thinking about that time when I was leaving your house and laughing to myself about something and you called out "I love you!" to your boyfriend who I set you up with and I reflexed "I love you too!" and I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I felt like I had just called the teacher "mom". We only hung out a couple times after that. Message 3: Yeah so there's one more thing I can't stop thinking about now that your on my mind. Sorry it's like 4am for you, it's only 2 for me so it's fine I guess. Anyway that one time when you told me your greatest fear was terrorists and I saw genuine panic in your eyes. Like... One moment everything's fine and then you said that to me and I almost cried. I don't remember why I spent the rest of the night as I couldn't sleep thinking of ways to tell you that terrorism is 9 times out of 11 done by the right wing. I don't think it's important, honestly, but I'm glad my mind wouldn't let me sleep. Message 4: It's not fair that everyone gave you shit for being the token lesbian republican, like yeah maybe you leaned into the trump thing a bit hard but like, first term trump honestly I could see as... Well, I almost said inspiring? Maybe you just inspired me. I honestly was resigned to Clinton and then the same bird flapped your wing instead of mine and... Anyway. The past is dead, yeah? Do you still follow him in my stead? I fear there will be millions dead. It's not irrational to fear what he has literally said, on television. How's the phrase go... "ancient tragedies lend credence to modern perils" I think it's supposed to rhyme in its natural language. Message 5: Wow okay uh, sorry to bring this up again I'm honestly being such an asshole right now. I honestly don't think about you often but like, now that I am its kinda just coming all out. We last spoke almost a decade ago?? So. Whatever imma roll with it. There was this cute girl who was into Nintendo and stuff and obviously I was into her, but we didn't have any social circles in common except for you, if I remember correctly. Then you broke up I think? And I didn't really see her again. Anyway I had a crush on her while also crushing on you, and literally half of our dorm. Polyamory, yeah? That whole year I didn't have sex though, not even once, because all of my friends were like 4 years younger than me and I was worried about power dynamics. But I still bought us all vodka and weed without asking for profit because I wanted to be a shitty friend, I guess. "hey kids let's go to the water store where they sell intoxicants that make your life harder" The year after that I didn't get laid either because I got it in my head that it was a good plan to turn my penis inside out and you know what? It was totally fuckin' worth it. No time like 2016 I say, the worst year ever, which I spent primarily in pain. But uh, that was the year I got into weed and Overwatch, which... Helped I guess. I guess? It kinda turned me into a communist. Or maybe that was my best friend who shared the same name as me. He lived upstairs and always seemed pretty cool to me. Like he knew what everything was about. Really though, he just watched a lot of youtube podcast videos about world events and history and sociology and political scientific theory and the more he learned the more he came to realize that power begets power, and power corrupts unilaterally. So he did the natural thing which was to become a communist, and I was totally there for it. Having liberal parents meant I was all "grrrrr Republicans are ruining the country and the world, I'm an angry 14 year oldddddd" and like, leftists are the most natural extension of that aren't they? Turns out they aren't really the tips of the feathers as I expected, but rather the eyes, the heart, the soul. Politics is fake, yo. I don't know how to tell you, but it's just power and hierarchy all the way down. We've built our own prisons, not of bricks, sand, or stone, but rather of promises of what each of us owns. That works, I guess, if your goal is to keep things aligned, but these days it kinda feels like our pyramids are crumbling under our feet. ... Why am I talking about politics? Oh yeah, because when I dropped out of school because I couldn't handle the mechanization of human capital when applied to myself, I swore to each of you that I would drive up every weekend to do family dinners. I'd make spaghetti and stroghanoff and macaroni and goulash and all of the other things my mom would make for me. Kinda gave up on that pretty quickly. Turns out I'd rather spend time making out with my girlfriend who I was super-duper-too-carefully tiptoeing around. She was... Too young for me. We broke up when my new coochie decided to bleed. Fuck, I hate it. Anyway. Turns out potlucks are political these days, which is why I bring it up. Did you know that leftisms plan for resisting genocide is literally just to feed people? Like, fuck I suppose. It's a start. "why does everyone have to have an agenda these days, why can't I just spend time in the park" said someone to me as I asked if she'd like to meet some friends that she reminded me of. Oh, I dunno, because you and me are about to become a criminalized people? ... I need to stop. I swear you're more a person to me than any political theory ever could be. Like yeah, "fuck the right, fuck the reich, fuck me tonight" but getting caught up in grand narratives is like building a mental ship in a bottle. Yeah, it's pretty cool, but... What does it matter? Oh. Right. Power. That's what matters. That's all that matters. Well... I'm sick of power. I do not consent. They say that in times of trouble, chess is better than solitaire, and I'll explain why - when our hierarchies crumble, when CEOs are gunned down in the streets and homeless people finally have clean sheets, the only place to place yourself in relation to others is within a network of trust and respect. Chess is better than solitaire. Under capitalism, it's you against the world. Dog eat dog, you only get what you can swallow from the rotten corpse of liberty that everyone's gnawing on. Under whatever comes next, you get what you're given, which hardly seems fair, doesn't it? On one hand, under capitalism, you can rely on your own hands to procure your fate and fortune. Under... Whatever comes next, your hands are built for whatever you want them to do. But, only a few people want to use them to make food. Hence, why chess is better than solitaire. What would you do, if you could give away all that you own and not go wanting? Isn't that sorta like our own garden of eden? ... I wrote a poem about that once. Twice. I'm a poet now, ha. As if that has ever been worth anything. ... I once told you that identity politics held no place in the modern day. I said that because I had learned about it in class, queer theory in fact, and yet applying his teachings was not enough for the professor to excuse my lack of reading. We had a lot of stuff to get through. Hence why I dropped out - I'm more of a do-er than a read-er. Though I do read quite a lot, just not anything useful. Are all hobbies wasted time? Are they only useful to keep us satiated while we stand in line? One of these days we're going to wake up and realize that we're the adults in the room, and that's scary. I speak from experience. "mom" they'd call me, and damnit why did I have to leave? Fuck. Why cant I be perfect, to me, internally, all I see are flaws. Mistakes. Patterns. I look in a mirror and I see a bad person - 10 minutes later, I look in the mirror and see a god. Somehow, I don't think either of me is right. I'm a gemini. Apparently that means I'm duplicitous. I think it just means I don't know what's right, only what feels good. I do try to align to how I think I should *be* good, but who can say if that's fine and good. ... Whatever. I'm going to regret this. Sorry for being weird out of the fucking blue. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧══════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────┘ --- #19 fediverse/1968 --- ╔════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────┐ ║ ┌───────────────────────┐ │ ║ │ CW: alcohol-mentioned │ │ ║ └───────────────────────┘ │ ║ │ ║ │ ║ what is it with me and buying steam games for long-lost friends while drunk? │ ║ │ ║ I swear I'm not depressed about my upcoming new job, I'm just doing all these │ ║ drugs in such a short time period because I'm, uh... living for the the │ ║ moment? Yeah that sounds good, better post that on the internet where everyone │ ║ in the world can see it and read it and realize what a mess you are because │ ║ you've been traumatized by employment and are about to dive back into that │ ║ frigid pool after a lengthy break where you did nothing but heal and recover │ ║ which is not a boon that most people are able to afford │ ║ │ ║ lucky you, Ritz Menardi, lucky you for being so privileged. │ ║ │ ║ But hey, those long-lost friends surely will want to hear from you! Surely. │ ║ Surely you're not someone they're trying to forget. Surely you didn't hurt │ ║ them, didn't twist them into knots, didn't compel them to act in ways that │ ║ benefited you but not them, SURELY you're a good person, according to all the │ ║ things people tell you and the results of your act │ ╟─────────┐ ┌───────────┤ ║ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╚═════════╧═════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────┴──────────┘ --- #20 fediverse/4730 --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────── I am not interested in being given money. Usually it means someone wants something from me, like labor or some of my stuff. I have all the stuff I need, why would I need more money? I like my stuff! I'll help out when people need help but I do that because I'm a good person, not because I want you to fucking pay me for it. I have all the things I need... except a deed to my house. apartment. oh yeah, they can kick you out for that sin. well, sorry, I couldn't find out at goodwill or in the trash bin, so I guess I'm deed-less. My deeds go unproven. How can I prove that I deserve a decent life in this particular roof, the one I find over my head, when I cannot prove that my deeds qualify me for a decent life lived under this particular roof? I mean, did you ask the neighbors if they want me gone? Am I really that smelly? Does my keyboard make "clickety-clack" noises all through the night? Does my cat meow and bother the children? Do my friendly smiles and waves make you uncomfortable? Have a decent life. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────┘ |