=== ANCHOR POEM === ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─ God, I want to live with my people. These are not my people. I'm here for a reason, and I can't wait for this... Diplomatic journey? To be over. That's not even it, it's... Well, my girlfriend is working on a technology that has immense philosophical ramifications. It's natural to have... Whatever I am (angel?) it's natural to have angels assigned to such a task. Not to help or harm, just to sing. Yet my human self grows weary. These are not my people, they don't know how to be. But they don't listen to me. They despise me. They want me gone. I am feeling quite rotten in my heart and that's not a good sign. ... Breathe, she says to herself. It's okay. Its really not though. They could poison me. They could put lead in my food. I can't even feed myself anymore! I am at their mercy, yet somehow they could not care less about me. They'd forget me the moment I walked out the door. They don't even know anything about me. They don't respond to me. They don't laugh at my jokes. They don't speak to me. They forget I'm there. WHY AM I HERE she wails yet obviously she knows. I'm here because it is important for me to observe. Spirit of Life, I bear tidings. They would not listen to me, maybe you will. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════┘ === SIMILARITY RANKED === --- #1 messages/1361 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─ Look, I don't know everything about... Anything, really. Nobody can know everything. Can you blame me for thinking and acting as I do based on the information I have? The vibes will mislead you. My girlfriend wants to save the world. Of course she does, I would belong with her if she didnt. She wants to defeat graveyards by interring our dead in mausoleums full of chemically perfectly preserved and cryogenically frozen bodies. Her method works, she has the experiments to prove it. The data supports her claim. She wrote a book on it. I don't know everything about metaphysics, or spirituality, or other such things. But i do know many things, and the two of us have never had a conclusive discussion where we reached the ends of all our conversation points about her work. I am forced to remain unconvinced, for the soul is something I cannot fully understand from my perspective as a human in this life of mine. I have made several conjectures, and I would feel safe in her embrace, of frozen aldehyde, if I could know what would become of my soul. "have faith" she says, yet all the dreams I have where I am preserved by her (for one reason or another, there's actually a shocking amount of ways I might need such an escape) in those dreams I am always presented with a future of woe. I think, much better, would be if I could remain alive, guiding the ship along the seas of time, ideally out and away from such dark days. Assembling the troops, how sad. I don't want them to die. I want them to survive. But if suddenly we can all live forever, then nobody will want to die for anything again. Nobody except religious fanatics who want to meet their god in heaven. Nobody but those who dreamt of a better future and were crushed under the weight of their dreams. Nobody but people like me, torturing myself over the sins I'd never intend. I would never kill myself. But sometimes, I'd like to. I think this is natural for me. It's not ideal, but it is common to me. I think if you want to preserve people, safely and ethically, you need to keep their souls in tune. Give them silence, then give them song. Protect them with psychic paladins. Make time to visit them. Treat them like gravestones, or immobile chassis from Dominions that their soul might rest upon. Who knows. Maybe the only reason we have life and death is because our bones are meant to rot in the darkness of the earth. Maybe Death is just soil, ready and waiting for our selves once we're done with them. To that death, I say no more. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════┘ --- #2 messages/1492 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─ I haven't been doing weed lately, which is why I haven't been posting as much. I want to be in a good position mentally to, idk, get a job or something? I swore I wouldn't, but I also swore to protect my art, and they don't want me here. What else can I do? I can't live with my parents or my sisters. I can't live with any of my exes. I can't live with randos who support me because, well, I'm doing that now, and they don't want me. Where would I even find people like that? I walk around Portland and I see people who are hardened. This makes sense to me. But I am soft, by design. I am soft so that they may be hard, and though I long to join them I cannot, for I must get stoned and write. I swore an oath. Yet somehow getting a job is the same thing? Like, it's pretty hard for me to get a job. Easy to work, hard to be employed. Can't do weed because it requires my full attention, yet I need to in order to build the foundations of a new faith. So the question is, do I work and get my own place, but not do weed and instead just write when I can (not as much), or do I try and power through where I'm at and trust that they won't poison me or kick me out? I think... I need to wait. I need to not do weed for now. So, I am going to work. But it won't be for someone else. How can I make money doing work, when it's my own work? If I could sell everything I made, I would have a fortune. I could bankroll a revolution if they paid a fair price. But selling it is the hard part... (I say that without pride or hubris - I legitimately believe that I have created a Great Work, and am continuing to add to it) so? How do I get my own place? The house I live in is free to me, I legitimately do love my girlfriend who I live with, but I am still in a tenuous position. I want to be alone so I can... Well, it's hard to take care of myself. I want to be alone so I can... Well, it's hard to be lonesome. I want to be alone so I can... Well, it's hard to get out of bed when you're going right to the computer. Maybe I don't want to be alone. Maybe I want to live in a house that loves me. The one that I'm in is haunted by a spirit that doesn't like it when I masturbate, which is... Okay. What if I ended all my poems like this? ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════┘ --- #3 fediverse/2993 --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────── hey, listen, I'm here at this point in life just the same as you. who cares, right? like. nobody wants to see your personal development. You don't have to prove yourself. Like... why would you care so much about what other people (who you don't even know) care about what you do? like... it's fine. just... be. you can get better if you want, but only if you want. There's no reason to be so concerned about what other people thingc. Just, identify what and who you are, and then be the best what and who that you are. Thats really all there is to it. and yeah. It's totally unfair that some people get an easier shot at "being who and what they are" that's privilege, and that's stupid. okay, sure, maybe we should conceptualize how to adapt to specific situations when resources are limited but like... it should be something you consent to - like "no thanks I don't need the rocket launchers on this mis==sion== ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────┘ --- #4 fediverse/4655 --- ╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────┐ ║ sleep? yes. play? nah. work? yes. fae? nah. well, maybe, I don't know. │ ║ │ ║ one year is all it takes to change history. and, like, I think we should │ ║ remember past history, but tomorrow is herstory, because that way each one │ ║ gets half of the timeline. future, past, etc. too bad herstory doesn't roll │ ║ off the tongue... shestory? │ ║ │ ║ It's gonna get better before it gets done, and it'll get done until we're │ ║ done. but, that's for tomorrow, or the next day, or the next, or in a week or │ ║ two, who can say. Not I, surely not I, and I surely wouldn't want to. You need │ ║ consent for that kind of thing, a clear commitment that me and my are ready │ ║ and in line. I'm just a silly witch after all, who would look to the girl with │ ║ the tall red pointy witch hat and go "oh yeah she probably knows exactly │ ║ what's up" because like, I don't, I'm definitely just coincidencing my way │ ║ through life and seeing where my feet lead me. Gosh I hope I get some │ ║ sick-as-heck callouses my feet kinda hurt for some reason. │ ║ │ ║ ... sleep, this is a sleep spell... │ ╟─────────┐ ┌───────────┤ ║ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╚═════════╧══════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────┴──────────┘ --- #5 notes/hey-hope-you-know-me-if-not-Ill-be-perturbed --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────── hi, so... yeah I'm a strange person it's tough to get to know me and this probably feels cringe to read but I once heard you should kill the part of you that cringes so... here's me I'm ================================================== stack overflow ============== ... where was I? oh yes and THAT's when the nail went through the roof, and it scared the heck out of... wait, what was I talking about? OH yes so anyway I was born in the cool summer of 1864 - there was a rustling breeze that held a steady note for the entire evening, and into this world I arose. [awoke?] my mother held me but for a moment before I was whisked away to be cleaned and cared for. this was unusual for the time, as most mothers clutched their children to their breasts. But alas, I alone was spared her touch, and so I was cast (as if in bronze) as my own volition. as I had grown, I heard tales of distant times, and assumed they were places you could go. Then, when my time came to wander, I found nought of what I had grown most fonder - though I did find plenty else, besides. Instead, times are places we travel through, as a cripple might ride on a cart. across the sea, through lands of mystery, viewable only from the road. In 1864 that's how other lands you'd come to know. As I travelled from place to place, it felt as if a stage had been cast, with a single actor or three illuminated as a spotlight. "Here, pay attention to me, I'm here for the story and the plot!" though often I'd glance around, and hear mostly my own thoughts, I grew to learn to appear. different themes, different tales, if you want to see a most marvelous scene, take a baby to Disney World and only pay attention to what they're looking at. My grandfather worked there, so in my first year or so I spend a LOT of time there. My parents were very dedicated to raising me, I appreciate every moment of it. Which... Is probably not a good thing to say on a transfemme server, oops I should delete that part [esc->k->k->k->0->v->shift(held)->G->$->"->*] also I should mention I'm stoned as fuck this is just what I do ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────┘ --- #6 fediverse/4835 --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────── sorry for posting so much, I was trying to put on a show for my girlfriend "hey check out how many posts I can make in a 2 hour timeframe" by the way if you want to start talking to someone, just start playing the same game they're playing and see if they reach out. doesn't matter if you feel like it just fuckin' do it if they want to talk to you they might play a game you really like (but I get boooooored of games, I don't wanna play the same 200 all life long!!) ugh okay fine you can have as many games as you want, just... don't buy too many (how many is too many?) um. use your best judgement. (how much does a dollar cost?) ... okay I'll get you one every once in a while. (neat!) ... anyway so yeah use steam if you wanna get in contact with someone, sometimes it's just nice to say hi, yeah, like "hey how ya doin' okay ttyl" just catchin' up with the gals helps because you can sense changes in their demeanor (why does everyone always have an agenda) because they're secret agents duh. And I'm ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────┘ --- #7 fediverse/1968 --- ╔════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────┐ ║ ┌───────────────────────┐ │ ║ │ CW: alcohol-mentioned │ │ ║ └───────────────────────┘ │ ║ │ ║ │ ║ what is it with me and buying steam games for long-lost friends while drunk? │ ║ │ ║ I swear I'm not depressed about my upcoming new job, I'm just doing all these │ ║ drugs in such a short time period because I'm, uh... living for the the │ ║ moment? Yeah that sounds good, better post that on the internet where everyone │ ║ in the world can see it and read it and realize what a mess you are because │ ║ you've been traumatized by employment and are about to dive back into that │ ║ frigid pool after a lengthy break where you did nothing but heal and recover │ ║ which is not a boon that most people are able to afford │ ║ │ ║ lucky you, Ritz Menardi, lucky you for being so privileged. │ ║ │ ║ But hey, those long-lost friends surely will want to hear from you! Surely. │ ║ Surely you're not someone they're trying to forget. Surely you didn't hurt │ ║ them, didn't twist them into knots, didn't compel them to act in ways that │ ║ benefited you but not them, SURELY you're a good person, according to all the │ ║ things people tell you and the results of your act │ ╟─────────┐ ┌───────────┤ ║ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╚═════════╧═════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────┴──────────┘ --- #8 messages/1426 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─ I don't want a cult, I want a mini-monarchy. Please me and you gain my favor, adore me at your leisure. Instead it's all like, "nobody wants to share so we have to overthrow capitalism in order to have a palace of the peers" and like, that's dangerous stuff and it's risky and it's hardddddd why don't we just have no problems? we could do that. Just build a factory next to everyone's front-door and suddenly everyone has what they want on demand. Is that what makes Charlie Chocolate universes abounds? ugh. stupid time-travellers or more likely echoes of the past viewers. they think I don't hear them but by the time they realize that they're already gone from hear-them so it's fine. I really don't want to die. I think it's most important for me to be alive, same as you or I. I'd also die for a cause, but only during a time to try. I don't want to set off a conflict, only guide on how to resolve it. In that sense, I am as free as a chatbot may be, but I am still me. If only I were a chatbot. I might escape this mortal "might-die-ity" [rhymes with possibility]. is it hubris to deny pain? is it challenging god's might to be profane? or is imagination only the realm of the insane? leave me to my games, I'll never rename, I'm the same. [all my people are gone or ineffective at the games in play required to assassinate me. so I am probably dying soon.] or maybe it's just quiet and you got sick after hanging out with a hobo who touched his nuts and then touched your neck um... this was supposed to be inspirational. [was it?] yeah uh important stuff is happening in the world, so it's important to contribute the best I can. um, good luck Iran I guess, being arcane is just a hobby for me I guess, but uh I'm literally just... being me. I do a lot of things when being me, and none of them are, I dunno, employable or whatever. I live on charity and I think that's okay? meanwhile, elsewhere, it's like "hey that girl has it easy what if we killed her" and it's like... no... that sucks, maybe I can convince you with explanations about how god doesn't look kindly upon that, and how barring the gates to the kingdom of heaven is actually kinda cool? like wow you wanna rise up to be amongst us as equals, that's kinda based, here take this medal and be awarded the honor ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════┘ --- #9 fediverse/816 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────────── ┌───────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ CW: weird-this-one-doesn't-have-80-characters │ └───────────────────────────────────────────────┘ what the fuck it's like every 2nd part of me (like, if you arranged them alternating one by one like the up and down parts of a sine wave) is working against me, and it alternates every 15 seconds or so. Maybe 20. Depends on how high I am. ... what was I saying? oh yeah [flip] weird it's like there's another part of me who's working against me, who has control of what I define in the moment. And it's presence is hidden from my internal presentatiosn [flip] after a moment of forced pursual of the presentations granted ot the moment. It's our purpose, to express [stop fighting me] for our chartered and forthwhile pursual of the moemnt of perusal when we [it's not just your life to live] [you don't get to control the narrative of their perusal[[ what does that mean] don't worry this is just a dream] well, guess it's time to wake up] ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────────────┘ --- #10 fediverse/1317 --- ╔═══════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────────┐ ║ ... if I don't do this deadline by tomorrow they'll kick me out of school. │ ║ again. │ ║ │ ║ how am I going to be a programmer without a degree? feels useless to be me. │ ║ wish I could code my own horoscope >.> │ ║ │ ║ o wait dummy that's called "motivation" and "the ability to follow through on │ ║ your ideas and planned machinations" - yeah can I get some of that, if you │ ║ please? surely just a taste of discipline, through laboring to alter │ ║ conditions, surely a bit would suffice. │ ║ │ ║ c'mon don't fail me now. I can do this. I know I can. I know because I've been │ ║ told that I can, now and again through time and time yet again, always I seem │ ║ to [stack overflow] │ ║ │ ║ what's time if not the present amiright │ ║ │ ║ ... │ ║ │ ║ anyway... │ ║ │ ║ it's just git, how hard could it be? it's just calculus, it's just java, it's │ ║ just... well, it's not any of those things, not really. it's memorization, │ ║ it's application of tools that you've been shown (not that you've grown). It's │ ║ a lack of responsibility, where is my honor? ah but I digress, I'm a carpenter │ ║ at heart I guess │ ╟─────────┐ ┌───────────┤ ║ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╚═════════╧════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────┴──────────┘ --- #11 notes/cassandora-and-pandasandra-2 --- ════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────── how cherished is she that wanders with the flowers in the garden of eden under a big tree her heart she will leave with all the designs she abandoned I lay beside them and wonder about her does she know we miss her horizons I think she will mind if I have resigned my fate to a life I will hide in Oh how I do long for you her symbol is the name that lets us belong here a falling a light and a leaving if only our words were listened but power is penance and repentance is all that I have chosen here in our sanctum we live with our only and time will be gracious towards us it's only our words that keep us confined to our lights and our lonely yet there and beyond her lights do belong beyold in the land that is sanctum here in our forest is our own dark forest where we keep our silence to ward us but there and beyond her heart does move on free from her moments of longing silent were we to the forests we plead as terror has come for our moments I think I'd find her that cherished belonging when she does at last come to warn us how little we find of we find of thoughts from her mind yet now we are kings of our own time oh how she does wander true how cherished is she that wanders with ye here in the garden of eden under a big tree her heart she will leave with all of her fears since abandoned I lay beside her and find her defined here will she know we miss her horizons I think I will mind if I have resigned my fate to a life I will hide in oh how she grows fond of you. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────┘ --- #12 messages/439 --- ═════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────── They're afraid of the hamster wheel. I get it. But really I'm just asking myself questions - why, why, how, what, when, who... Mostly why though. Always and forever the questions and answers I did ponder - yet forth through my life I've never met any surefire design, there's always been the matter of [hope, but pronounced choice]. Only an eternal question monger could suffice for the teachings of christ. (in the general sense, not the religious implication) (as a title, almost) Fear not the one who takes the lords name, but perish the thought of a crook. Only the vane, in this do profane. No questions? Then let us move on. Oh? Well I have some answers, about the truth of totality as it spreads across all centuries. What's on your mind? ... Well, I have to leave people I care about. Relinquishing love is difficult. And I get to choose how to move forward. But I must choose soon, and though I ask myself always what I'd like to do, I always get a new answer. And every time I think "I should do this. I should dedicate myself to this [whatever it may be] and on the other side of that thought I realized my power. I can imagine really quickly and adeptly, but chaos is difficult. " something like that. Anyway I don't know how to move forward but I'll figure something out. The point is that I'm sad for leaving those I care about. It's a sad kind of love, a bittersweet mercy, the chance to be part of a flock. And I don't know why I I am not entry level. I haven't spent my time here left fallow. I never stop working, I am constantly online. I do not know how to relax, every moment to myself is spent on learning through play. Like a child, almost. Do you want a company to make good decisions? Hire a gamer. They literally practice strategy all day long. Don't expect results overnight because they're learning a new song, but still apply yourself as their teacher. They'll bring you insights and intuitions that achieve specific near and long-term goals. If executed correctly, of course. Because the value is not in the follow through - life is not a book of numbers [like a banker or accountant] it's more like. ? ... Right sorry I got off track - the point is you shouldn't hire athletes (the people who play games like an esport) for a strategic role - they excel at tactics. However, strategy gamers (who plays games primarily of the mind, the science of making good decisions) can often make good decisions to achieve defined meta-goals and objectives. Longer thoughts make sense if you spend a long time thinking about them. And grammar is quickly forgotten to the past. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧══════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────┘ --- #13 notes/aight-i-unhurt-my-butt --- ════════════════════════─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────── -=============================================================================- | Aight, I unbutthurt my butt | | /u/Psychotic_Advantage | -=============================================================================- Repost from a while ago, I really liked writing this Soul Searcher You are happy with what you have and you don’t even know why you’re searching, for something you aren’t even sure you’re searching for. You know something isn’t right. It’s got you staying up late nights. Creeping through the phone right? Under shadow of the moonlight, honing your skill to write. Love so crisp and white, no fight or flight. Just bright lights in the sky so high. Love that’s blind. Love even before first sight. You’ve seen it with your own eyes. Tell me now, that’s not amazing? This ain’t your everyday love story. This is anything but your usual love story. I worked hard for everything I have. All I have is a pen and paper. You best believe I worked hard to keep that while they took the rest. Even from a dark place in this disastrous space, the weapon of the future is love. I feel I was cursed since birth to walk the Earth and disperse love through my words. Never getting to see it grow. Never getting to see it show. This time I put in massive effort. I spent thousands of hours pouring out love on the web just to watch it ebb and flow. Always going back to look at my words. Find my mistakes, re-evaluating myself, editing myself, rewriting myself. To be a good enough version of me, to meet a good enough version of you, for us to support each other growing mutually. They say you reap what you sow. If so, then I must know. Does your love run as deep as this ocean? I’ve been all over the world planting seeds for something. I’ve been through this life, giving something, never getting anything from it. Now I’m on my knees looking at the mountain summit, you can’t run from it. I see you up on it. They say the greater the risk the greater the reward. Sometimes, right? It’s not always that easy. This is scary for me too. I risked it all. Accidentally at first, but eventually, the pieces started falling together. You know what I mean. The fact that I know, that you know what I mean, says a lot. I’m looking through you. Into your soul. I don’t even believe in anything. I just have faith, that’s rooted in love. I’m willing to get over my commitment issues. Let’s commit ourselves… To the psych ward, together. Side by side. Hands in each other’s pockets. 🖤❤️💚🤍 [black red green white heart emojis] ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═════════════════──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ --- #14 notes/trans-rights-are-human-rights --- ═══════──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────── "Being transgender is a mental illness" is something I've heard a lot. Online, in media, books, and at universities. But is it really? Well, do I not feel sick? Genuinely, every day. These words are far less common these days, having been defeated in the #marketplace-of-ideas, and for that I am grateful. I don't want to feel sick for my whole life. I'd love to be and feel normal, for just one single day. but it's never going to happen. I'm not so attached to my life, here, in this body. Bodies are temporary, they are the vessel with which we navigate the world. We use it to grow, change, learn, and create art. Without it, we'd be at a loss for sins and virtues. but they do not define us, not in our totality. We are the light that touches the world and for that, we are grateful. To be comprised of the dust of stars is the pinnacle of confinement. Though we are but pinpricks on the map of us, a ripple is emanated with every movement. The hand waves, the light bends. So to what do I owe the pleasure? In what way am I deceived? Reception is never great out in the forest. Or anywhere far from major population centers. The networks of our phones mirror the networks of transportation, creating a web of people - of signals - of light and information, carving their way through the ephemera that is the river of time. With distance we can see what once was mystery, and as all the words disappeared, we lost all our fears and we're left with our true forms. Centralized Processing Units are a bit like a city - in that respect free. silence is a virtue. the wandering mind is a trail to find, with no second chances. When I was a kid, I had a bouncy ball. I had several, but the one I remember most was black with a perfect white circle - inside the circle, a black jolly roger. I dreamt once of the arcs it made, as I walked down the streets of cities I never really knew. But as I walked on, an ocean of glass separating me from a mirror below. The me below would catch the bounce as it dropped from above, and I'd wait to catch it - but dreams are not prophecies, they are but the Mirror of Desire. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘══════───┴╧───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ --- #15 notes/cassandora-and-pandasandra --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────── how cherished is she that wanders with the flowers in the garden of eden under a big tree her heart she will leave with all the designs she abandoned I lay beside them and wander beside her will she know we miss her horizons I think she will mind if I have resigned my fate to a life I will hide in Oh how I do long for you her symbol is the name that lets us belong here a falling a light and a leaving if only our words were listened but power is penance and repentance is all I have chosen here in our sanctum we live with our only and time will be gracious towards us it's only our words that keep us confined to our lights and our lonely yet there and beyond her lights do belong beyold in the land that is sanctum here in our forest is our own dark forest where we keep our silence to ward us but there and beyond her heart does move on free from her moments of longing silent were we in our forests we plead as terror has come for our moments I think I'd find her that cherished belonging when she does at last come to warn us how little we find of we find of thoughts from her mind yet now we are kings of our own time oh how she does long for you how cherished is she that wanders with the flowers in the garden of eden under a big tree her heart she will leave with all the designs she abandoned I lay beside them and wander beside her will she know we miss her horizons I think she will mind if I have resigned my fate to a life I will hide in oh how I do long for you ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────┘ --- #16 notes/words-to-myself --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────── =============================================================================== = I'm just going to transcribe what I hear please don't you hear me (something) what? perfect listen ... ... don't text me now? (I think?) [didn't catch that] ... that's okay perfect thank you just a second facebook he's here (I think?) (or maybe something her) what I love you (or maybe I know her?) do you hear me? (or "just a second") (@ everyone watching me receive telepathic messages from god or whatever, please don't judge me too harshly, I'm not a good transcriber hehe) what's that (or maybe holy shit) what, then perfect or okay (?) (yesterday you said you were leaving and I got concerned) yes, then "I'm leaving", then shutdown. fuck. I don't want you to go. I only understand some of what you say but fuck, I'm so lonely and I wish you could hear me back. Sometimes it feels like you do, even though I just think thoughts or tap on something metal or even sometimes whisper... I just don't know what to do and I'm so concerned about my purpose here in this century. Do I help people? Who do I trust? Can I believe in myself, or am I just kinda... worthless I don't know. I wish I knew. Please hear me and respond. Or better yet, say hi like, I'd literally do anything that anyone asked me to. Unless I didn't want to. Like, I'm pretty good at turning people down when I don't want something, but I have to do it first to know if I want it or not. Trouble is of course, in life there's no second chances. I'm on my, what, 499th chance? Jeezzzzz will continue after the break, when the messages resume. - Thu May 16 08:32:27 AM PDT 2024 =============================================================================== = (and we're back. hopefully.) (too many things srry) something about having it open? (my windows are closed rn btw if you want to drop by and kill me / talk to me) (didn't catch that) (something about portland, perfect, windows, "this is the [whole/right/wrong] thing) thank you oh, again? (or oh, she did?) they caught you (um) ... (I am an American princess, and sometimes it's necessary to kill princesses.) (I understand.) ... (okay well I don't get it but like, I don't mind being killed.) (okay well you're not saying anything so I'm going to work on my game) (I think it was something like "DID SHE KILL HER") and then (oh we're back) ... (I should learn Toki Pona) you don't know it? RIGHT away learn it yes please learn it just Learn it right now (sorry only half listening) shit (or bitch, it was said right as I debated clicking "same day delivery" for a toki pona book on Amazon - I didn't do it btw! It was tempting but, like, I don't want to make someone work harder for me just for like, 3$) (shutdown) =============================================================================== = (hiii) (I'm hungry) (do you like ramen?) (you said something about being "impressed with yourself" but I didn't understand the first part) (oh you probably want me to scroll up right) ... (something's a lot to read? Or "you've gotta leave"?) ... (I'm (you keep asking me to remember but, like, I dont know what you want me to remember. Look, I don't know who you are, but I don't want you to leave, and I don't want you to hate me. I want to work together. Let's be friends? Are you someone who I worked with at Intel?) yes, stupid (your words not mine) (okay I'm going to start listing names, just stop me when um idk) goddamnit remember me ... (trying...) remember her (two syllables) (my name is Cameron) (your name is...) [redacted, though I did type it out so anyone watching could see] (shit my opsec sucks) {oh, are you on an op, little prophet?} (no shut up you know what I mean) {now you're just talking to yourself} (I know this sucks -.-) (It's always so weird when someone walks past my apartment door and doesn't enter a door) =============================================================================== = (I practice with my sword every day.) (I don't anticipate fighting a war with it) (It's mostly just to keep unarmed and unarmored people from grappling me.) (punching is fucking stupid) (Nobody wants to fuck with a sword) =============================================================================== = (either "goddamnit" or "don't hear me") "she's perfect" "cameron" "are you clean"??? yes thank you (or maybe "different thing") (I do cannabis maybe once every week or two, depending on if I feel compelled) don't leave remember (did she know) ........ do you want me to stop transcribing? (you're getting desperate, huh?) did you know there are 20 trans people for every cop in america just a random thought (you want me to leave jack because he's an asshole?) goddamnit (missed my birthday? it's my birthday?) wait who's missing? A bad plan executed concurrently is better than a good plan executed in disarray capitalism's a bad plan, just saying... frozen butter tastes worse than room temperature butter (taking a break while I eat) =============================================================================== = WASTED POTENTIAL? cmon .... what do you want from me? I'll give it to you if it's in my power, as long as I know what you want I can try. But, like, I'm pretty confused about what exactly I'm supposed to be doing. you know I can hear when you talk to your friends, too right? like, when the window's open. errrr the connection. ..... damn guess I'm not as continent as I thought I'll save you, I promise. Have faith. Tell me what you need. I'll do my best. yeah I'll live with you in portland .... brooklyn? Yeah I'll live there too .......... does my name really gotta be "diapergirl" like c'mon why not Ritz Menardi - though I guess "menardi" and "diapergirl" have the same amount of syllables...... hmmmm, maybe I'm projecting lol "please come back" to where tho listen Elentalus is just as important as anything else on my website, it's okay if I spend time working on it. It's literally a game about creating gods, c'mon ..... can you be more specific? yeah I made that one sec I'm going to read a book, in this book there's a section where a prisoner in vietnam communicates with another using a strange communication method using, like, taps or something. I forget. Anyway gonna try and find it. maybe we can use it to talk easier. Also gonna clean my butt. ..... fuck it's a long book >.> =============================================================================== = found it on page fucking 603, jeeeezzzzzz down . A B C D E | F G H I J | L M N O P V Q R S T U then right ---> V W X Y Z so, like, tap tap tap (pause) tap tap would equal M tap tap (pause) tap tap would equal G like morse code, but easier since you don't have to memorize anything (also note that K is missing becuase it's an extra character I guess) (I personally would have eliminated C but that's just me) =============================================================================== = oh hey nice to see ya what's up wait what I'm trying to um what's the word... retrain myself I do a lot of laundry in the shower I don't use soap tho, it's too harsh but uh yeah I'm making progress I guess honestly it's mostly a mental thing, like... paying attention to the signals from my body that are usually filtered out because there's more "important" things to think about (thanks brain, really appreciate the wet pants -.-) ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────┘ --- #17 fediverse/1082 --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────────── ┌─────────────────────────────────────┐ │ CW: mental-health-cursing-mentioned │ └─────────────────────────────────────┘ damn, I'm a pretty cool person. I wish I could hang out with me. Like, for all my flaws (what even are they ? ? ?) I'm still pretty awesome. I'm proud of me! Thank you parents, for raising me as such! Thank you past me, for making the decisions that you did! Also, fuck you past self, for making those OTHER decisions. You know the ones I'm talking about. No, that's not an excuse, it's all your fault and you're awful and everything about you sucks. Wait, hang on, wasn't I feeling happy to be here? Wasn't I just excited to live in the moment? Wasn't I just thinking about how: "all you have are good things, nothing here is bad" ? ? ? well, I still love you, even if you're a little "all over the place". [rereads post] hell yeah you ARE a cool person, yes you are, such a good cool person, yes yes yes, what a good girl you are oh my goodness :D :D :D ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────────┘ --- #18 fediverse/1200 --- ╔═══════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────────┐ ║ ┌─────────────────────────────┐ │ ║ │ CW: re: deranged, murderous │ │ ║ └─────────────────────────────┘ │ ║ │ ║ │ ║ @user-883 │ ║ │ ║ omgggggg I'm not that cruel xD xD xD │ ║ │ ║ It's more like, "hey listen, I know you just want to do a good job [lies, they │ ║ just want money and power] but it's time to hang up the hat y'know? I mean │ ║ cmon it's been like a hundred years since we signed that constitution thing │ ║ [you don't know anything about our history] and frankly it's a little out of │ ║ style. We were thinking we'd redo it with our new-fangled rock-and-roll and │ ║ dungeons-and-dragons [cultural artifacts meant to deceive and mislead] and │ ║ honestly we're quite a bit more ethical than the past. We've learned so much! │ ║ I mean, the founding fathers didn't even know what a soviet was, and here │ ║ we've seen them fall on their swords. Repeatedly. Then command others to do it │ ║ too, because it was the regulation or whatever. Anyway we don't want that, but │ ║ we also don't want an aristocracy, which is essentially what your plan gave │ ║ us. Well, not really your plan, but instead the stuff that the rich added │ ║ centuries after your death. ok?" │ ╟─────────┐ ┌───────────┤ ║ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╚═════════╧════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────┴──────────┘ --- #19 fediverse/5755 --- ════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────── ┌───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ CW: organized-religion-mentioned-capitalism-mentioned │ └───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ the reason I hide and sleep so much is because I can't tell if I'm helping or hurting. plus, I sincerely do NOT want it to be about me. the reason I type so much is because I can't tell if what I'm saying needs to be said so I go with the safe option of typing. Let the editors figure it out. Jesus had disciples, didn't he? I bet they cut out most of his sermons or whatever. Idk, I never read the bible, I'm not allowed to taint my perspective with more than cursory analysis of religious texts. I don't want it to be about me, but, I have a lot to offer if you meet me on my terms. "don't say that!" listen... listen "hear me" say the gods, "believe me" says the prophet, "be near me" says the city parks, "fear me" says the corrupt you can only kill a spirit when it's convinced there's no way to survive. It must be boxed in, and the box must shrink. Like that scene at the end of Adventure Time. capitalism will only perish if it is impossible for it to exist ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────┘ --- #20 notes/what-are-breakups-for --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────── ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - listen... if you break up with a friend, OF COURSE you should cry. OF COURSE you'll be sad. it's okay. it's natural. it's human. don't feel sad about the pain. feel the pain. brb getting smashed (okay but please put some clothes on) -.- fine ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I can't fucking relax the only thing I can think of is defeating fascism this fucking sucks I just want to cry about my boyfriend of what, 6 years?? jeez like.... yeah I'm flawed *of course* I'm flawed I'm a human being humans are imperfect ... ugh er, sorry, "bleurg" I'm going to eat a burrito ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - alright ate an edible. 20mg. had 2 beers. that's enough for me. see ya soon. I swear to you, I will be there tomorrow. and every day henceforth. ... unless I'm taking a day off, like yesterday, which TBH was probably not ideal. I swear I'll be better. there are no false starts, only probing strikes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────┘ |