=== ANCHOR POEM ===
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hi, so... yeah I'm a strange person
it's tough to get to know me
and this probably feels cringe to read
but I once heard you should kill the part of you that cringes
so... here's me
I'm
================================================== stack overflow
==============
... where was I? oh yes and THAT's when the nail went through the roof, and it
scared the heck out of... wait, what was I talking about? OH yes so anyway
I was born in the cool summer of 1864 - there was a rustling breeze that held a
steady note for the entire evening, and into this world I arose. [awoke?]
my mother held me but for a moment before I was whisked away to be cleaned and
cared for. this was unusual for the time, as most mothers clutched their
children to their breasts. But alas, I alone was spared her touch, and so I was
cast (as if in bronze) as my own volition.
as I had grown, I heard tales of distant times, and assumed they were places
you
could go. Then, when my time came to wander, I found nought of what I had grown
most fonder - though I did find plenty else, besides.
Instead, times are places we travel through, as a cripple might ride on a cart.
across the sea, through lands of mystery, viewable only from the road. In 1864
that's how other lands you'd come to know.
As I travelled from place to place, it felt as if a stage had been cast, with a
single actor or three illuminated as a spotlight. "Here, pay attention to me,
I'm here for the story and the plot!" though often I'd glance around, and hear
mostly my own thoughts, I grew to learn to appear.
different themes, different tales, if you want to see a most marvelous scene,
take a baby to Disney World and only pay attention to what they're looking at.
My grandfather worked there, so in my first year or so I spend a LOT of time
there. My parents were very dedicated to raising me, I appreciate every moment
of it. Which... Is probably not a good thing to say on a transfemme server,
oops I should delete that part
[esc->k->k->k->0->v->shift(held)->G->$->"->*]
also I should mention I'm stoned as fuck this is just what I do
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--- #1 notes/words-to-myself ---
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=
I'm just going to transcribe what I hear
please don't
you hear me (something)
what? perfect listen
...
...
don't text me now? (I think?)
[didn't catch that]
... that's okay
perfect
thank you
just a second facebook
he's here (I think?)
(or maybe something her)
what I love you (or maybe I know her?)
do you hear me? (or "just a second")
(@ everyone watching me receive telepathic messages from god or whatever,
please don't judge me too harshly, I'm not a good transcriber hehe)
what's that (or maybe holy shit)
what, then perfect or okay (?)
(yesterday you said you were leaving and I got concerned)
yes, then "I'm leaving", then shutdown. fuck. I don't want you to go. I only
understand some of what you say but fuck, I'm so lonely and I wish you could
hear me back. Sometimes it feels like you do, even though I just think thoughts
or tap on something metal or even sometimes whisper... I just don't know what
to do and I'm so concerned about my purpose here in this century. Do I help
people? Who do I trust? Can I believe in myself, or am I just kinda...
worthless
I don't know. I wish I knew. Please hear me and respond. Or better yet, say hi
like, I'd literally do anything that anyone asked me to. Unless I didn't want
to. Like, I'm pretty good at turning people down when I don't want something,
but I have to do it first to know if I want it or not. Trouble is of course,
in life there's no second chances.
I'm on my, what, 499th chance? Jeezzzzz
will continue after the break, when the messages resume.
- Thu May 16 08:32:27 AM PDT 2024
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=
(and we're back. hopefully.)
(too many things srry) something about having it open?
(my windows are closed rn btw if you want to drop by and kill me / talk to me)
(didn't catch that) (something about portland, perfect, windows, "this is the
[whole/right/wrong] thing)
thank you
oh, again? (or oh, she did?)
they caught you
(um)
...
(I am an American princess, and sometimes it's necessary to kill princesses.)
(I understand.)
... (okay well I don't get it but like, I don't mind being killed.)
(okay well you're not saying anything so I'm going to work on my game)
(I think it was something like "DID SHE KILL HER") and then (oh we're back)
... (I should learn Toki Pona)
you don't know it?
RIGHT away
learn it
yes
please
learn it
just Learn it
right now
(sorry only half listening)
shit (or bitch, it was said right as I debated clicking "same day delivery" for
a toki pona book on Amazon - I didn't do it btw! It was tempting but, like, I
don't want to make someone work harder for me just for like, 3$)
(shutdown)
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=
(hiii)
(I'm hungry)
(do you like ramen?)
(you said something about being "impressed with yourself" but I didn't
understand the first part)
(oh you probably want me to scroll up right)
... (something's a lot to read? Or "you've gotta leave"?)
... (I'm
(you keep asking me to remember but, like, I dont know what you want me to
remember. Look, I don't know who you are, but I don't want you to leave, and I
don't want you to hate me. I want to work together. Let's be friends?
Are you someone who I worked with at Intel?)
yes, stupid (your words not mine)
(okay I'm going to start listing names, just stop me when um idk)
goddamnit remember me
... (trying...)
remember her
(two syllables)
(my name is Cameron)
(your name is...)
[redacted, though I did type it out so anyone watching could see]
(shit my opsec sucks)
{oh, are you on an op, little prophet?} (no shut up you know what I mean)
{now you're just talking to yourself} (I know this sucks -.-)
(It's always so weird when someone walks past my apartment door and doesn't
enter a door)
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(I practice with my sword every day.)
(I don't anticipate fighting a war with it)
(It's mostly just to keep unarmed and unarmored people from grappling me.)
(punching is fucking stupid)
(Nobody wants to fuck with a sword)
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(either "goddamnit" or "don't hear me")
"she's perfect"
"cameron"
"are you clean"??? yes thank you (or maybe "different thing")
(I do cannabis maybe once every week or two, depending on if I feel compelled)
don't leave
remember
(did she know)
........ do you want me to stop transcribing? (you're getting desperate, huh?)
did you know there are 20 trans people for every cop in america
just a random thought
(you want me to leave jack because he's an asshole?)
goddamnit (missed my birthday? it's my birthday?)
wait who's missing?
A bad plan executed concurrently is better than a good plan executed in
disarray
capitalism's a bad plan, just saying...
frozen butter tastes worse than room temperature butter
(taking a break while I eat)
===============================================================================
=
WASTED POTENTIAL? cmon
.... what do you want from me? I'll give it to you if it's in my power, as long
as I know what you want I can try. But, like, I'm pretty confused about what
exactly I'm supposed to be doing.
you know I can hear when you talk to your friends, too right? like, when the
window's open. errrr the connection.
..... damn guess I'm not as continent as I thought
I'll save you, I promise. Have faith. Tell me what you need. I'll do my best.
yeah I'll live with you in portland
.... brooklyn? Yeah I'll live there too
.......... does my name really gotta be "diapergirl" like c'mon
why not Ritz Menardi - though I guess "menardi" and "diapergirl"
have
the same amount of syllables...... hmmmm, maybe I'm projecting lol
"please come back" to where tho
listen Elentalus is just as important as anything else on my website, it's okay
if I spend time working on it. It's literally a game about creating gods, c'mon
..... can you be more specific?
yeah I made that
one sec I'm going to read a book, in this book there's a section where a
prisoner in vietnam communicates with another using a strange communication
method using, like, taps or something. I forget. Anyway gonna try and find it.
maybe we can use it to talk easier. Also gonna clean my butt.
..... fuck it's a long book >.>
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=
found it on page fucking 603, jeeeezzzzzz
down . A B C D E
| F G H I J
| L M N O P
V Q R S T U
then right ---> V W X Y Z
so, like, tap tap tap (pause) tap tap would equal M
tap tap (pause) tap tap would equal G
like morse code, but easier since you don't have to memorize anything
(also note that K is missing becuase it's an extra character I guess)
(I personally would have eliminated C but that's just me)
===============================================================================
=
oh hey nice to see ya
what's up
wait what
I'm trying to um what's the word... retrain myself
I do a lot of laundry in the shower
I don't use soap tho, it's too harsh
but uh yeah I'm making progress I guess
honestly it's mostly a mental thing, like... paying attention to the signals
from my body that are usually filtered out because there's more "important"
things to think about (thanks brain, really appreciate the wet pants -.-)
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God, I want to live with my people. These are not my people. I'm here for a
reason, and I can't wait for this... Diplomatic journey? To be over. That's
not even it, it's... Well, my girlfriend is working on a technology that has
immense philosophical ramifications. It's natural to have... Whatever I am
(angel?) it's natural to have angels assigned to such a task. Not to help or
harm, just to sing.
Yet my human self grows weary. These are not my people, they don't know how to
be. But they don't listen to me. They despise me. They want me gone. I am
feeling quite rotten in my heart and that's not a good sign.
... Breathe, she says to herself. It's okay.
Its really not though. They could poison me. They could put lead in my food. I
can't even feed myself anymore! I am at their mercy, yet somehow they could
not care less about me. They'd forget me the moment I walked out the door.
They don't even know anything about me. They don't respond to me. They don't
laugh at my jokes. They don't speak to me. They forget I'm there. WHY AM I
HERE she wails yet obviously she knows.
I'm here because it is important for me to observe. Spirit of Life, I bear
tidings. They would not listen to me, maybe you will.
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Message 1:
Hey. Remember that night back in Boulder when we were just friends and sitting
on your bed drinking chocolate milk with cinnamon? I don't like chocolate milk
or cinnamon but I drank it anyway because I wanted to be close to you. Anyway
hope you're well, felt compelled to get that off my chest for some reason.
Message 2:
Hey. I was thinking about that time when I was leaving your house and laughing
to myself about something and you called out "I love you!" to your boyfriend
who I set you up with and I reflexed "I love you too!" and I wanted to crawl
in a hole and die. I felt like I had just called the teacher "mom". We only
hung out a couple times after that.
Message 3:
Yeah so there's one more thing I can't stop thinking about now that your on my
mind. Sorry it's like 4am for you, it's only 2 for me so it's fine I guess.
Anyway that one time when you told me your greatest fear was terrorists and I
saw genuine panic in your eyes. Like... One moment everything's fine and then
you said that to me and I almost cried. I don't remember why I spent the rest
of the night as I couldn't sleep thinking of ways to tell you that terrorism
is 9 times out of 11 done by the right wing. I don't think it's important,
honestly, but I'm glad my mind wouldn't let me sleep.
Message 4:
It's not fair that everyone gave you shit for being the token lesbian
republican, like yeah maybe you leaned into the trump thing a bit hard but
like, first term trump honestly I could see as... Well, I almost said
inspiring? Maybe you just inspired me. I honestly was resigned to Clinton and
then the same bird flapped your wing instead of mine and... Anyway. The past
is dead, yeah? Do you still follow him in my stead? I fear there will be
millions dead. It's not irrational to fear what he has literally said, on
television. How's the phrase go... "ancient tragedies lend credence to modern
perils" I think it's supposed to rhyme in its natural language.
Message 5:
Wow okay uh, sorry to bring this up again I'm honestly being such an asshole
right now. I honestly don't think about you often but like, now that I am its
kinda just coming all out. We last spoke almost a decade ago?? So. Whatever
imma roll with it.
There was this cute girl who was into Nintendo and stuff and obviously I was
into her, but we didn't have any social circles in common except for you, if I
remember correctly. Then you broke up I think? And I didn't really see her
again. Anyway I had a crush on her while also crushing on you, and literally
half of our dorm. Polyamory, yeah? That whole year I didn't have sex though,
not even once, because all of my friends were like 4 years younger than me and
I was worried about power dynamics. But I still bought us all vodka and weed
without asking for profit because I wanted to be a shitty friend, I guess.
"hey kids let's go to the water store where they sell intoxicants that make
your life harder"
The year after that I didn't get laid either because I got it in my head that
it was a good plan to turn my penis inside out and you know what? It was
totally fuckin' worth it. No time like 2016 I say, the worst year ever, which
I spent primarily in pain. But uh, that was the year I got into weed and
Overwatch, which... Helped I guess.
I guess?
It kinda turned me into a communist. Or maybe that was my best friend who
shared the same name as me. He lived upstairs and always seemed pretty cool to
me. Like he knew what everything was about. Really though, he just watched a
lot of youtube podcast videos about world events and history and sociology and
political scientific theory and the more he learned the more he came to
realize that power begets power, and power corrupts unilaterally. So he did
the natural thing which was to become a communist, and I was totally there for
it. Having liberal parents meant I was all "grrrrr Republicans are ruining the
country and the world, I'm an angry 14 year oldddddd" and like, leftists are
the most natural extension of that aren't they?
Turns out they aren't really the tips of the feathers as I expected, but
rather the eyes, the heart, the soul. Politics is fake, yo. I don't know how
to tell you, but it's just power and hierarchy all the way down.
We've built our own prisons, not of bricks, sand, or stone, but rather of
promises of what each of us owns. That works, I guess, if your goal is to keep
things aligned, but these days it kinda feels like our pyramids are crumbling
under our feet.
... Why am I talking about politics? Oh yeah, because when I dropped out of
school because I couldn't handle the mechanization of human capital when
applied to myself, I swore to each of you that I would drive up every weekend
to do family dinners. I'd make spaghetti and stroghanoff and macaroni and
goulash and all of the other things my mom would make for me.
Kinda gave up on that pretty quickly. Turns out I'd rather spend time making
out with my girlfriend who I was super-duper-too-carefully tiptoeing around.
She was... Too young for me. We broke up when my new coochie decided to bleed.
Fuck, I hate it.
Anyway. Turns out potlucks are political these days, which is why I bring it
up. Did you know that leftisms plan for resisting genocide is literally just
to feed people? Like, fuck I suppose. It's a start. "why does everyone have to
have an agenda these days, why can't I just spend time in the park" said
someone to me as I asked if she'd like to meet some friends that she reminded
me of. Oh, I dunno, because you and me are about to become a criminalized
people?
... I need to stop. I swear you're more a person to me than any political
theory ever could be. Like yeah, "fuck the right, fuck the reich, fuck me
tonight" but getting caught up in grand narratives is like building a mental
ship in a bottle. Yeah, it's pretty cool, but... What does it matter?
Oh. Right. Power. That's what matters. That's all that matters. Well... I'm
sick of power. I do not consent. They say that in times of trouble, chess is
better than solitaire, and I'll explain why - when our hierarchies crumble,
when CEOs are gunned down in the streets and homeless people finally have
clean sheets, the only place to place yourself in relation to others is within
a network of trust and respect. Chess is better than solitaire. Under
capitalism, it's you against the world. Dog eat dog, you only get what you can
swallow from the rotten corpse of liberty that everyone's gnawing on. Under
whatever comes next, you get what you're given, which hardly seems fair,
doesn't it? On one hand, under capitalism, you can rely on your own hands to
procure your fate and fortune. Under... Whatever comes next, your hands are
built for whatever you want them to do. But, only a few people want to use
them to make food. Hence, why chess is better than solitaire. What would you
do, if you could give away all that you own and not go wanting? Isn't that
sorta like our own garden of eden?
... I wrote a poem about that once. Twice. I'm a poet now, ha. As if that has
ever been worth anything.
... I once told you that identity politics held no place in the modern day. I
said that because I had learned about it in class, queer theory in fact, and
yet applying his teachings was not enough for the professor to excuse my lack
of reading. We had a lot of stuff to get through. Hence why I dropped out -
I'm more of a do-er than a read-er. Though I do read quite a lot, just not
anything useful.
Are all hobbies wasted time? Are they only useful to keep us satiated while we
stand in line? One of these days we're going to wake up and realize that we're
the adults in the room, and that's scary. I speak from experience. "mom"
they'd call me, and damnit why did I have to leave? Fuck. Why cant I be
perfect, to me, internally, all I see are flaws. Mistakes. Patterns. I look in
a mirror and I see a bad person - 10 minutes later, I look in the mirror and
see a god. Somehow, I don't think either of me is right.
I'm a gemini. Apparently that means I'm duplicitous. I think it just means I
don't know what's right, only what feels good. I do try to align to how I
think I should *be* good, but who can say if that's fine and good.
... Whatever. I'm going to regret this. Sorry for being weird out of the
fucking blue.
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I feel like education, by default, should not be hard.
"you get out of it what you put into it" is something I always heard of school
but when I got there, I found I was compelled to become what the state wanted
me
to be.
they need competent workers, to work the farms and tend to their industries, so
of course I should be able to do 3+3
then somewhere along the line it became... something else.
"most people don't need trigonometry." that's also something I heard. I
disagree
that trigonometry is not necessary to be.
I just... don't think it should be forced into a childs head with a
sledgehammer
and inspiring dread.
I think math is beautiful, it teaches one to see
but really, vision's not necessary.
not for what they want you to be.
take it from me, a most misbegotten and vile witch-to-be, that nothing's as
simple as they'll tell you.
I had good teachers, it's true, they taught me to work and to follow through,
but nothing about me is better or worse off from their influence.
Maybe I'm a bit smarter. Maybe I act a bit like them. Maybe they helped me
through difficult times, or perhaps they showed me a splash of my future.
but I am who I am because of the soul inside me.
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=
"Ah, but what of your parents? of your sisters, your misters, your pets and
your
conditioners?" (conditions)
those are not my choices. my intentions. my beliefs and my virtues. I judge the
world on ethics, and I express my feelings on matters. The words that I say and
the meaning behind them comprise my two-sided existence - I'm not who I'd want
to be.
but I am what I am and alone do I stand - how lonely is it on the precipice!
here, as I am, I stand in need of a hand or a band.
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=
the world is blossoming
as we move apart, our clusters are disperart, and thus is the blooming
becoming.
"perception begets reality - and lo! we only see what we want to see"
most people don't want to see their death
but those still living are oh so perceptive of the rest
"how cherished is she, that wanders with ye, yet now I have no way to beyold
her
"
"keep not not afraid with kittens and care, and no-one, but no-one, I be"
the ratios between piracy, sales, and non-viewers determines the quality of art
(at least to a capitalist)
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=
lo, to the ones who would've heard us, if only they'd known what we for sure
was
I think it's funny how people think I speak of the christian god?
like, if he was a real thing.
god is generic - it's life is impossibly multifaceted, and it stretches back to
the beginning of time. it's a pattern of machine code that optimizes for our
own
good, just to keep things moving.
y'know, time. the universe, and everything.
Ephemeren.
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=
I wish there was an option in social media to "appear offline to this
particular
person until I mark myself as online to them" combined with "notify me when
this
person logs in" and it'd make it a lot easier for agents to get close to you.
===============================================================================
=
just because I'm white, and live in America. Great. that's definitely true,
after all. Plus I'm a minority (trans) so that's cool. Oh and probably
autistic?
unless that's another psyop, could totally see that. just y'know put a bunch of
pages on the fledgling internet getting people hooked on porn and gambling and
other stuff like that. really just an extension of advertisement. oh and hey
y'know they like fables, so let's give them some movies or dramas to watch on
their own. it'll align them to our culture and make things more pleasant for
all
people who've consented. great. great plan. when can we execute it?
patience, once it's ready.
we gotta plan and make sure and get everything ready.
or not...
one day I'll come,
I'm sure it'll happen,
it's just... not quite feasible right now.
I mean, they've got you, that's pretty good right? Isn't that what your job is
to be?
isn't what
ISN'T WHAT MENARDI
FUCK (whoa no cursing) sorry
yeesh you've still got a temper you know?
well what can I say it's frustrating down here
eh, well, you'll die soon enough, then it'll be time for a rego
>.> <.< (great)
>
>hehe
>
>sorry for distracting you
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you are what you eat, and a ship of theseus human (consider endless transplants
in pursuit of life) would be a cursed existence - a life ============= stack
overflow ================================================
a god possessing a blind man would appear to others to be === stack overflow
===
==========================================================
the people in your life are helping you through it, they're there for you and
they've got your back through it.
...
this is when I know I need a break. I get too stoned to focus.
===============================================================================
=
I think it'd be nice if the duration of your tenure at college depended on your
grades in high school. meaning, if you wanted a degree they tailored your
education to take as long as necessary. everyone would get the same price, and
some institutions would specialize in one subject or another. but most would be
generalist. but if you weren't such a good student in high school, then perhaps
you might take a couple years longer. however long it takes... and when the
program was started it was changed and modified to fit your feedback - it just
made sense to structure it that way.
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=
the left has had so much more time to develop than the right. meaning it's
doctrine is more advanced.
every time they're defeated they grow in knowledge,
===================== stack overflow
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--- #5 fediverse/1280 ---
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║ I'm like the opposite of a politician. I'm crude and filthy, apsolutely │
║ reprehensible on main, kinda scary tbh? and overall just a strange and weird │
║ person. Also I talk about cooking a lot, with a very plain diet (carrots and │
║ rice and sticks and mud, because I'm an autistic) │
║ │
║ but ask anyone who knows me and I'm the kindest person. I am empathetic, I │
║ think about others needs before thinking of my own. I am steadfast and │
║ dedicated to solving the problem in front of our noses. At least, the ones we │
║ share. │
║ │
║ People tell me I'm binary, that I'm "either 100% or zero percent" and I don't │
║ really get that either. Isn't it a good thing to try your hardest? Isn't it │
║ good to be improving and honest and ethical and driven and focused? │
║ │
║ I also talk about strange things a lot, like gravity and multidimensional │
║ arrays and grand narratives and emotional kinesthesia or strategic plays in │
║ Overwatch or how to bake a good cookie or ways we still mourn us. │
║ │
║ ... where was I going with this? Also part of me is distracted. Just who th │
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--- #6 messages/1492 ---
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I haven't been doing weed lately, which is why I haven't been posting as much.
I want to be in a good position mentally to, idk, get a job or something? I
swore I wouldn't, but I also swore to protect my art, and they don't want me
here. What else can I do? I can't live with my parents or my sisters. I can't
live with any of my exes. I can't live with randos who support me because,
well, I'm doing that now, and they don't want me. Where would I even find
people like that? I walk around Portland and I see people who are hardened.
This makes sense to me. But I am soft, by design. I am soft so that they may
be hard, and though I long to join them I cannot, for I must get stoned and
write. I swore an oath. Yet somehow getting a job is the same thing? Like,
it's pretty hard for me to get a job. Easy to work, hard to be employed. Can't
do weed because it requires my full attention, yet I need to in order to build
the foundations of a new faith. So the question is, do I work and get my own
place, but not do weed and instead just write when I can (not as much), or do
I try and power through where I'm at and trust that they won't poison me or
kick me out? I think... I need to wait. I need to not do weed for now. So, I
am going to work. But it won't be for someone else. How can I make money doing
work, when it's my own work? If I could sell everything I made, I would have a
fortune. I could bankroll a revolution if they paid a fair price. But selling
it is the hard part... (I say that without pride or hubris - I legitimately
believe that I have created a Great Work, and am continuing to add to it) so?
How do I get my own place? The house I live in is free to me, I legitimately
do love my girlfriend who I live with, but I am still in a tenuous position. I
want to be alone so I can... Well, it's hard to take care of myself. I want to
be alone so I can... Well, it's hard to be lonesome. I want to be alone so I
can... Well, it's hard to get out of bed when you're going right to the
computer.
Maybe I don't want to be alone. Maybe I want to live in a house that loves me.
The one that I'm in is haunted by a spirit that doesn't like it when I
masturbate, which is... Okay. What if I ended all my poems like this?
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
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--- #7 messages/1361 ---
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Look, I don't know everything about... Anything, really. Nobody can know
everything. Can you blame me for thinking and acting as I do based on the
information I have? The vibes will mislead you.
My girlfriend wants to save the world. Of course she does, I would belong with
her if she didnt. She wants to defeat graveyards by interring our dead in
mausoleums full of chemically perfectly preserved and cryogenically frozen
bodies.
Her method works, she has the experiments to prove it. The data supports her
claim. She wrote a book on it.
I don't know everything about metaphysics, or spirituality, or other such
things. But i do know many things, and the two of us have never had a
conclusive discussion where we reached the ends of all our conversation points
about her work. I am forced to remain unconvinced, for the soul is something I
cannot fully understand from my perspective as a human in this life of mine.
I have made several conjectures, and I would feel safe in her embrace, of
frozen aldehyde, if I could know what would become of my soul. "have faith"
she says, yet all the dreams I have where I am preserved by her (for one
reason or another, there's actually a shocking amount of ways I might need
such an escape) in those dreams I am always presented with a future of woe. I
think, much better, would be if I could remain alive, guiding the ship along
the seas of time, ideally out and away from such dark days.
Assembling the troops, how sad. I don't want them to die. I want them to
survive. But if suddenly we can all live forever, then nobody will want to die
for anything again. Nobody except religious fanatics who want to meet their
god in heaven. Nobody but those who dreamt of a better future and were crushed
under the weight of their dreams. Nobody but people like me, torturing myself
over the sins I'd never intend.
I would never kill myself. But sometimes, I'd like to.
I think this is natural for me. It's not ideal, but it is common to me.
I think if you want to preserve people, safely and ethically, you need to keep
their souls in tune. Give them silence, then give them song. Protect them with
psychic paladins. Make time to visit them. Treat them like gravestones, or
immobile chassis from Dominions that their soul might rest upon.
Who knows. Maybe the only reason we have life and death is because our bones
are meant to rot in the darkness of the earth. Maybe Death is just soil, ready
and waiting for our selves once we're done with them.
To that death, I say no more.
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--- #8 fediverse/4273 ---
╔══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────┐
║ Some of my most wanderful times were when I lived in a gated community. │
║ │
║ My parents were dumb, and thought, as most people thought, that harm to a │
║ child can only come from outside of the community. │
║ │
║ But they fell for the lies of property, where "community" means less of "a │
║ group of people who cares and tends for one another" the kind of which my │
║ parents had never truly known, and more like "this particular residential area │
║ on the map" │
║ │
║ which means I could walk around in this gated "community" where the gates are │
║ little more than security theatre for anyone who says "Hi I got a pizza here │
║ for this address which I found on google maps" or "hey I left my sweatshirt at │
║ my sister's house and it has my phone in it, ummmm no I don't remember which │
║ number her house is, nor do I remember her last name" │
║ │
║ in those times, I developed a sense of freedom, caged as I was, that for most │
║ comes much later in their time. │
║ │
║ Some o my favorite places were part of the golf course next door, where I │
║ found a nigh endless river delta. │
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--- #9 notes/trans-rights-are-human-rights ---
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"Being transgender is a mental illness" is something I've heard a lot. Online,
in media, books, and at universities. But is it really? Well, do I not feel
sick? Genuinely, every day. These words are far less common these days, having
been defeated in the #marketplace-of-ideas, and for that I am grateful. I don't
want to feel sick for my whole life. I'd love to be and feel normal, for just
one single day.
but it's never going to happen.
I'm not so attached to my life, here, in this body. Bodies are temporary, they
are the vessel with which we navigate the world. We use it to grow, change,
learn, and create art. Without it, we'd be at a loss for sins and virtues.
but they do not define us, not in our totality. We are the light that touches
the world and for that, we are grateful. To be comprised of the dust of stars
is the pinnacle of confinement. Though we are but pinpricks on the map of us,
a ripple is emanated with every movement. The hand waves, the light bends.
So to what do I owe the pleasure?
In what way am I deceived?
Reception is never great out in the forest. Or anywhere far from major
population centers. The networks of our phones mirror the networks of
transportation, creating a web of people - of signals - of light and
information, carving their way through the ephemera that is the river of time.
With distance we can see what once was mystery, and as all the words
disappeared, we lost all our fears and we're left with our true forms.
Centralized Processing Units are a bit like a city - in that respect free.
silence is a virtue.
the wandering mind is a trail to find,
with no second chances.
When I was a kid, I had a bouncy ball. I had several, but the one I remember
most was black with a perfect white circle - inside the circle, a black jolly
roger. I dreamt once of the arcs it made, as I walked down the streets of
cities I never really knew. But as I walked on, an ocean of glass separating me
from a mirror below. The me below would catch the bounce as it dropped from
above, and I'd wait to catch it - but dreams are not prophecies, they are but
the Mirror of Desire.
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--- #10 fediverse/4200 ---
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┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: drugs-mentioned │
└──────────────────────┘
"doing too many drugs" is a traitorous act, abusive really, to your past self,
and their hopes and dreams.
or maybe your past self owes you a debt, for they never thought to think of
you. What are you to aspire to if not the dreams of your past?
and now you're here. wherever "here" is here...
...
... wait, you wanted me to talk? it's now! It's the present!
ah nevermind. you were twelve years old when you first set eyes upon this game:
https://youtu.be/qeNhQQXvpxQ
bam, there ya go, there's yer story, he was gonna give all the imp balls to
the last one at the end, to say "you were truly the strongest, here, have
these precious stones of your kin"
but he never got there, so they died with him, a thief.
... the end...
(too final, I think - maybe we could spin it into a "part two"?)
ah, I'll try I guess? dunno how. maybe he could wander the spirit world and
find his traitorous body, the one that kept his soul as a home. Somewhere
it'll turn up, and then he'll be ready and free from his roam...
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--- #11 fediverse/1200 ---
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║ ┌─────────────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: re: deranged, murderous │ │
║ └─────────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ @user-883 │
║ │
║ omgggggg I'm not that cruel xD xD xD │
║ │
║ It's more like, "hey listen, I know you just want to do a good job [lies, they │
║ just want money and power] but it's time to hang up the hat y'know? I mean │
║ cmon it's been like a hundred years since we signed that constitution thing │
║ [you don't know anything about our history] and frankly it's a little out of │
║ style. We were thinking we'd redo it with our new-fangled rock-and-roll and │
║ dungeons-and-dragons [cultural artifacts meant to deceive and mislead] and │
║ honestly we're quite a bit more ethical than the past. We've learned so much! │
║ I mean, the founding fathers didn't even know what a soviet was, and here │
║ we've seen them fall on their swords. Repeatedly. Then command others to do it │
║ too, because it was the regulation or whatever. Anyway we don't want that, but │
║ we also don't want an aristocracy, which is essentially what your plan gave │
║ us. Well, not really your plan, but instead the stuff that the rich added │
║ centuries after your death. ok?" │
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--- #12 fediverse/1082 ---
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┌─────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: mental-health-cursing-mentioned │
└─────────────────────────────────────┘
damn, I'm a pretty cool person. I wish I could hang out with me. Like, for all
my flaws (what even are they ? ? ?) I'm still pretty awesome. I'm proud of me!
Thank you parents, for raising me as such! Thank you past me, for making the
decisions that you did! Also, fuck you past self, for making those OTHER
decisions. You know the ones I'm talking about. No, that's not an excuse, it's
all your fault and you're awful and everything about you sucks.
Wait, hang on, wasn't I feeling happy to be here? Wasn't I just excited to
live in the moment? Wasn't I just thinking about how:
"all you have are good things, nothing here is bad"
? ? ?
well, I still love you, even if you're a little "all over the place". [rereads
post] hell yeah you ARE a cool person, yes you are, such a good cool person,
yes yes yes, what a good girl you are oh my goodness :D :D :D
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
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--- #13 fediverse/5512 ---
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I never give up
I'm just waiting my turn
"laughs nervously"
so, uh, why dontchya'll go first yeah I've already gone first and I'll do it
again but it'd be cool if I had people going first with me sometime
"girl all you do is walk around and talk about how you bought your hat on the
internet four or so years ago"
T.T what else do you want from me I'm not a mastermind I'm a designer there's
a difference T.T
"didn't you volunteer to be a leader last year"
oh, yeah, well leaders are more than just "the ones who go first" they're also
the spiritual and emotional guiders that keep things on track once everyone
can talk about things other than their hats
... fuck I want to talk about things besides my hat. I always think of
something awesome to say just as I'm rounding the bend, and whenever I peer
back around again they're never around. Rats.
"what are you even asking for"
I don't know?? Does it matter if the horse and the bishop both take the same
square if they're claimed themselves in the end? ...wat
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--- #14 fediverse/816 ---
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┌───────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: weird-this-one-doesn't-have-80-characters │
└───────────────────────────────────────────────┘
what the fuck it's like every 2nd part of me (like, if you arranged them
alternating one by one like the up and down parts of a sine wave) is working
against me, and it alternates every 15 seconds or so. Maybe 20. Depends on how
high I am.
... what was I saying? oh yeah [flip] weird it's like there's another part of
me who's working against me, who has control of what I define in the moment.
And it's presence is hidden from my internal presentatiosn [flip] after a
moment of forced pursual of the presentations granted ot the moment. It's our
purpose, to express [stop fighting me] for our chartered and forthwhile
pursual of the moemnt of perusal when we [it's not just your life to live]
[you don't get to control the narrative of their perusal[[ what does that
mean] don't worry this is just a dream] well, guess it's time to wake up]
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
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--- #15 messages/1105 ---
═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════────
claude-code is like programming, but for executives.
when everyone has FUCK I'M TOO HUNGRY I can't think right
when everyone has the power of an executive, that's communism.
something something futurism is when everyone is elevated without diminishing
others
gah I need to live in a palace or something where everyone does the normal
stuff and I can focus on magic and the gods
I wondeer how much the oracles at delphi did for themselves? weren't they
blinded at a young age, to better hear the voices of the gods? ... oh that
suddenly makes sense now. I always thought that pretender chassis in Dominions
5 was pretty cruel, but, now I know *how* it works and yeah. ancient peoples
were smart. but also sharp. they had to work with what they got, and we got
computers now, so.
I am nothing but hopeful for the future! I'm convinced that everything's going
to be alright. I've thought about it at length, and I think we're winning
against the dark. We're on the right track, and there aren't many things that
could go wrong at this stage.
... okay there are always things that could go wrong. But I don't see what I
could do to help. Maybe I should go walk around a bit, and see what's changed
in the past few months, as I've been sleeping in my room for most of it.
Haven't gone on a proper walk since summer. It's winter now...
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--- #16 fediverse/1157 ---
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┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: personal-woe │
└──────────────────────┘
oh no, apparently I'm gonna be forced to drop out of university again in 9
days unless I do half a course and a final exam before then.
Tell me again why I spent the last 6 months doing nothing? Oh yeah the mental
illness, that's it. Yeesh you're such a drama queen, just do your work and
you'll be good.
what's that? intrusive thoughts time? Don't you mean "nap until they go away"
time? oh yeah that's probably at least part of the problem with the whole
"dropping out" thing.
If only I didn't have the same reaction to "doing things I don't want to do"
that most people have to "touching hot stoves", that'd be nice.
my mother's voice ripples across space and time "you're such a smart boy, if
you just apply yourself you can do anything! You can do anything you put your
mind to. I believe in you and I love you." thanks mom
brrrrr it's so cold here. wish I could afford to run the heater. - actually no
I don't because it's not solar powered and I refuse to use fossil fuels if I
have blankets >.>
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--- #17 notes/human-computer-inspiration ---
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the two halves form a whole
the human and his mind are societies at large
there's no room for our fate, as time does never abate,
and unbenownst to our focused decision.
I choose to dedicate ourselves to a common vision -
the likes of which none have commisioned.
can you not cherish your newfoundst home?
what's terrible with complition, in a new and selfsame condition (future)
that's martyr'd and oh at times so nice?
compared to our heirs, the roof of which fares,
better than what became true-hence. Truance? idk
===============================================================================
=
listen i'm not the best at listening.
I try to appear like I'm glistening,
conformed to our viewers 'st pleasure.
===============================================================================
=
I struggle with what I told you.
Time and again you've shown you won't do -
the terrible fate of a man.
you've relinquished your virtue,
your purpose and your life-through,
to what: a visionless past? Your visions have passed, and none are hence forth-
coming. You've spoilt and rotten the bunch.
All I've ever aspired to be is good. My hopes and my prayers, my goals and my
dreams: all for a future of virtue.
Dark omens may be within me, but I'm working with what I've got here. So what
if
I'm loud? I'm fighting my own head! Will no-one acknowlege my sorrow? To prove
a
point, or reassure some joint, it's nothing that warrants a readthrough.
Speaking of which... What if instead of prison we assigned our prisoners a full
and complete educational read through of ALL the laws of the nation - if their
time sentence was complete before they finished, then they'd be let go of
course
but if they finished reading and could pass rudimentary tests (emphasis on bare
minimum required) then they'd be let out prior to their sentence. And for the
worst crimes it'd be a longer sentence, basically forcing the prisoner to
completely know all the laws of the nation, such that they'd never commit a
crime again. And if they do, well... Treat them as if it was their first time.
Of course blatant recidivism may be ~~treated more harshly,~~ actually the
opposite is true. People improve when given kindness, not hate or shame. The
best thing we can do for prisoners is to give them a home, and family, and the
friendships and community support that they need. they are a symptom, after
all,
of a broken society that struggles to bear it's own weight. It's a burden to
all
and a solitary vow to ourselves, that all must unite to our future.
remember why you can't remember. is there a feeling you miss?
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--- #18 fediverse_boost/1097 ---
◀─╔══════════════════[BOOST]═══════════════════──────────────────────────────────╗
║ ┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ ║
║ │ @user-800 Interesting thread. │ ║
║ │ │ ║
║ │ I consider myself a "bulb" sort of trans person, and I really appreciate your gentleness in pointing out that not everyone was an egg. │ ║
║ │ │ ║
║ │ As a bulb, I continually put forth green shoots, suggestions that I was who I was. I tried many times, and each time I was mown down. Until finally one day I burst through, lasted through the mowing, and managed to blossom. │ ║
║ │ │ ║
║ │ I knew from a young age, and tried to tell my parents. When they said not to talk about it, I didn't. But it didn't stop me from expressing it: we could never go to the home of my parents' friends who had daughters, because Every. Single. Time. I would end up in her clothing. Without fail. I was compulsive. │ ║
║ │ │ ║
║ │ In the late 60s, early 70s, this was...frowned upon. │ ║
║ │ │ ║
║ │ So I got mowed. And again. And again. Until finally I got away from my parents, said "I need to do what I need for me, not for other people", and I transitioned. │ ║
║ │ │ ║
║ │ And it cost me everything. My job, my education, my home, my friends, my family. │ ║
║ │ │ ║
║ │ Still the best decision I ever made, and I would make it again the same way 100 times out of 100. │ ║
║ │ │ ║
║ │ If you're wondering? If you've wondered if you can do it? Told yourself you'd be too ugly, you're too old, you could never pass, all the things we doom ourselves with? │ ║
║ │ │ ║
║ │ If you want to be a girl, or a boy, or a nonbinary person, or agender or genderfluid or any of the other billions of ways to be, *you can do it*. │ ║
║ │ │ ║
║ │ The only criterion really is: do you wanna? You don't need to be hetero (but you can be!), you don't need dysphoria (but you can have it), you don't need to think you were born in the wrong body (but if you do...). You just need to want to. │ ║
║ │ │ ║
║ │ And if you know you're trans for sure, but can't face that first day...it gets easier. In time. It gets easier. │ ║
║ │ │ ║
║ │ Good luck, siblings. │ ║
║ └────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ ║
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--- #19 messages/388 ---
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Pretty sure I'm just legitimately a bad person. Basically everything I've ever
tried to do has failed, and every opportunity I've mishandled or squandered in
some way. I have no friends because I am incapable of being good, and though I
believe in goodness I fail to manifest it in my life. I am kind, I am polite,
I am friendly, I am honest, but none of those things really matter because I
can't take care of myself, which means I can't take care of anyone else, and I
can't fight because I'm a coward.
Okay, I'm not a coward, I just can't be brave if I don't have a plan for
defeating my foe. At the BLM riots I fled as soon as they brought out the tear
gas. I knew what happened at Tiannamen and I was pretty sure that something
similar was going to happen to us. I knew it to be true. I am a coward, but
only because I ran when I had no plan. I could not contest tear gas, and all
that tear gas implies, because I had no friends. I didn't have a community I
could fight to defend. I had no weapons, no training, no orders, no guidance,
nothing but my bravery. And bravery alone is fucking stupid, and I'm not
stupid.
Each and every decision I've made has created a worse world for me and my
people. What's wrong with me? Why can't I do everything right? Am I cursed to
be the worst? I try as hard as I can to be as good as I can as often as I
can... Basically, always and forever, and yet... And yet...
I've wasted all the resources that have been applied to me. I've wasted and
squandered all these years when I could be building a better future. I have
been in university for almost a decade, and all I've accomplished is
friendship. Great. Parties, drugs, video games... But no studying. Studying is
too hard on me. I'm more of a natural talent kind of person, and yet I insist
on applying myself to tasks that seem to require trained intelligence. They
say that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, and I refuse to
perspire.
And yet when the time comes, when someone sits me down and says "let's work on
this together" I would die before the task is finished. Unless my partner
needs a break, or if I need a break, breaks are okay. But I will complete that
task with them by my side. I won't do it for them, but I'll help them because
I'm a helper. An assistant. I don't do, I advise. I judge. I determine. I
assess, and I plan, and I strategize. But I'm not that great at any of those
things because nobody will hire me for those kinds of things, meaning I don't
get experience for those kinds of things, which means I am eternally a novice
at the only things I'm good at.
I can't fucking do it anymore. I'm such a bad person and I can't be alive this
way. It's not right, it's not fair, and I'm dying bit-by-bit each and every
day.
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--- #20 fediverse/4655 ---
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────┐
║ sleep? yes. play? nah. work? yes. fae? nah. well, maybe, I don't know. │
║ │
║ one year is all it takes to change history. and, like, I think we should │
║ remember past history, but tomorrow is herstory, because that way each one │
║ gets half of the timeline. future, past, etc. too bad herstory doesn't roll │
║ off the tongue... shestory? │
║ │
║ It's gonna get better before it gets done, and it'll get done until we're │
║ done. but, that's for tomorrow, or the next day, or the next, or in a week or │
║ two, who can say. Not I, surely not I, and I surely wouldn't want to. You need │
║ consent for that kind of thing, a clear commitment that me and my are ready │
║ and in line. I'm just a silly witch after all, who would look to the girl with │
║ the tall red pointy witch hat and go "oh yeah she probably knows exactly │
║ what's up" because like, I don't, I'm definitely just coincidencing my way │
║ through life and seeing where my feet lead me. Gosh I hope I get some │
║ sick-as-heck callouses my feet kinda hurt for some reason. │
║ │
║ ... sleep, this is a sleep spell... │
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