=== ANCHOR POEM === ════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────── Pretty sure I'm just legitimately a bad person. Basically everything I've ever tried to do has failed, and every opportunity I've mishandled or squandered in some way. I have no friends because I am incapable of being good, and though I believe in goodness I fail to manifest it in my life. I am kind, I am polite, I am friendly, I am honest, but none of those things really matter because I can't take care of myself, which means I can't take care of anyone else, and I can't fight because I'm a coward. Okay, I'm not a coward, I just can't be brave if I don't have a plan for defeating my foe. At the BLM riots I fled as soon as they brought out the tear gas. I knew what happened at Tiannamen and I was pretty sure that something similar was going to happen to us. I knew it to be true. I am a coward, but only because I ran when I had no plan. I could not contest tear gas, and all that tear gas implies, because I had no friends. I didn't have a community I could fight to defend. I had no weapons, no training, no orders, no guidance, nothing but my bravery. And bravery alone is fucking stupid, and I'm not stupid. Each and every decision I've made has created a worse world for me and my people. What's wrong with me? Why can't I do everything right? Am I cursed to be the worst? I try as hard as I can to be as good as I can as often as I can... Basically, always and forever, and yet... And yet... I've wasted all the resources that have been applied to me. I've wasted and squandered all these years when I could be building a better future. I have been in university for almost a decade, and all I've accomplished is friendship. Great. Parties, drugs, video games... But no studying. Studying is too hard on me. I'm more of a natural talent kind of person, and yet I insist on applying myself to tasks that seem to require trained intelligence. They say that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, and I refuse to perspire. And yet when the time comes, when someone sits me down and says "let's work on this together" I would die before the task is finished. Unless my partner needs a break, or if I need a break, breaks are okay. But I will complete that task with them by my side. I won't do it for them, but I'll help them because I'm a helper. An assistant. I don't do, I advise. I judge. I determine. I assess, and I plan, and I strategize. But I'm not that great at any of those things because nobody will hire me for those kinds of things, meaning I don't get experience for those kinds of things, which means I am eternally a novice at the only things I'm good at. I can't fucking do it anymore. I'm such a bad person and I can't be alive this way. It's not right, it's not fair, and I'm dying bit-by-bit each and every day. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────┘ === SIMILARITY RANKED === --- #1 notes/words-to-myself --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────── =============================================================================== = I'm just going to transcribe what I hear please don't you hear me (something) what? perfect listen ... ... don't text me now? (I think?) [didn't catch that] ... that's okay perfect thank you just a second facebook he's here (I think?) (or maybe something her) what I love you (or maybe I know her?) do you hear me? (or "just a second") (@ everyone watching me receive telepathic messages from god or whatever, please don't judge me too harshly, I'm not a good transcriber hehe) what's that (or maybe holy shit) what, then perfect or okay (?) (yesterday you said you were leaving and I got concerned) yes, then "I'm leaving", then shutdown. fuck. I don't want you to go. I only understand some of what you say but fuck, I'm so lonely and I wish you could hear me back. Sometimes it feels like you do, even though I just think thoughts or tap on something metal or even sometimes whisper... I just don't know what to do and I'm so concerned about my purpose here in this century. Do I help people? Who do I trust? Can I believe in myself, or am I just kinda... worthless I don't know. I wish I knew. Please hear me and respond. Or better yet, say hi like, I'd literally do anything that anyone asked me to. Unless I didn't want to. Like, I'm pretty good at turning people down when I don't want something, but I have to do it first to know if I want it or not. Trouble is of course, in life there's no second chances. I'm on my, what, 499th chance? Jeezzzzz will continue after the break, when the messages resume. - Thu May 16 08:32:27 AM PDT 2024 =============================================================================== = (and we're back. hopefully.) (too many things srry) something about having it open? (my windows are closed rn btw if you want to drop by and kill me / talk to me) (didn't catch that) (something about portland, perfect, windows, "this is the [whole/right/wrong] thing) thank you oh, again? (or oh, she did?) they caught you (um) ... (I am an American princess, and sometimes it's necessary to kill princesses.) (I understand.) ... (okay well I don't get it but like, I don't mind being killed.) (okay well you're not saying anything so I'm going to work on my game) (I think it was something like "DID SHE KILL HER") and then (oh we're back) ... (I should learn Toki Pona) you don't know it? RIGHT away learn it yes please learn it just Learn it right now (sorry only half listening) shit (or bitch, it was said right as I debated clicking "same day delivery" for a toki pona book on Amazon - I didn't do it btw! It was tempting but, like, I don't want to make someone work harder for me just for like, 3$) (shutdown) =============================================================================== = (hiii) (I'm hungry) (do you like ramen?) (you said something about being "impressed with yourself" but I didn't understand the first part) (oh you probably want me to scroll up right) ... (something's a lot to read? Or "you've gotta leave"?) ... (I'm (you keep asking me to remember but, like, I dont know what you want me to remember. Look, I don't know who you are, but I don't want you to leave, and I don't want you to hate me. I want to work together. Let's be friends? Are you someone who I worked with at Intel?) yes, stupid (your words not mine) (okay I'm going to start listing names, just stop me when um idk) goddamnit remember me ... (trying...) remember her (two syllables) (my name is Cameron) (your name is...) [redacted, though I did type it out so anyone watching could see] (shit my opsec sucks) {oh, are you on an op, little prophet?} (no shut up you know what I mean) {now you're just talking to yourself} (I know this sucks -.-) (It's always so weird when someone walks past my apartment door and doesn't enter a door) =============================================================================== = (I practice with my sword every day.) (I don't anticipate fighting a war with it) (It's mostly just to keep unarmed and unarmored people from grappling me.) (punching is fucking stupid) (Nobody wants to fuck with a sword) =============================================================================== = (either "goddamnit" or "don't hear me") "she's perfect" "cameron" "are you clean"??? yes thank you (or maybe "different thing") (I do cannabis maybe once every week or two, depending on if I feel compelled) don't leave remember (did she know) ........ do you want me to stop transcribing? (you're getting desperate, huh?) did you know there are 20 trans people for every cop in america just a random thought (you want me to leave jack because he's an asshole?) goddamnit (missed my birthday? it's my birthday?) wait who's missing? A bad plan executed concurrently is better than a good plan executed in disarray capitalism's a bad plan, just saying... frozen butter tastes worse than room temperature butter (taking a break while I eat) =============================================================================== = WASTED POTENTIAL? cmon .... what do you want from me? I'll give it to you if it's in my power, as long as I know what you want I can try. But, like, I'm pretty confused about what exactly I'm supposed to be doing. you know I can hear when you talk to your friends, too right? like, when the window's open. errrr the connection. ..... damn guess I'm not as continent as I thought I'll save you, I promise. Have faith. Tell me what you need. I'll do my best. yeah I'll live with you in portland .... brooklyn? Yeah I'll live there too .......... does my name really gotta be "diapergirl" like c'mon why not Ritz Menardi - though I guess "menardi" and "diapergirl" have the same amount of syllables...... hmmmm, maybe I'm projecting lol "please come back" to where tho listen Elentalus is just as important as anything else on my website, it's okay if I spend time working on it. It's literally a game about creating gods, c'mon ..... can you be more specific? yeah I made that one sec I'm going to read a book, in this book there's a section where a prisoner in vietnam communicates with another using a strange communication method using, like, taps or something. I forget. Anyway gonna try and find it. maybe we can use it to talk easier. Also gonna clean my butt. ..... fuck it's a long book >.> =============================================================================== = found it on page fucking 603, jeeeezzzzzz down . A B C D E | F G H I J | L M N O P V Q R S T U then right ---> V W X Y Z so, like, tap tap tap (pause) tap tap would equal M tap tap (pause) tap tap would equal G like morse code, but easier since you don't have to memorize anything (also note that K is missing becuase it's an extra character I guess) (I personally would have eliminated C but that's just me) =============================================================================== = oh hey nice to see ya what's up wait what I'm trying to um what's the word... retrain myself I do a lot of laundry in the shower I don't use soap tho, it's too harsh but uh yeah I'm making progress I guess honestly it's mostly a mental thing, like... paying attention to the signals from my body that are usually filtered out because there's more "important" things to think about (thanks brain, really appreciate the wet pants -.-) ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────┘ --- #2 messages/690 --- ═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────── Message 1: Hey. Remember that night back in Boulder when we were just friends and sitting on your bed drinking chocolate milk with cinnamon? I don't like chocolate milk or cinnamon but I drank it anyway because I wanted to be close to you. Anyway hope you're well, felt compelled to get that off my chest for some reason. Message 2: Hey. I was thinking about that time when I was leaving your house and laughing to myself about something and you called out "I love you!" to your boyfriend who I set you up with and I reflexed "I love you too!" and I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I felt like I had just called the teacher "mom". We only hung out a couple times after that. Message 3: Yeah so there's one more thing I can't stop thinking about now that your on my mind. Sorry it's like 4am for you, it's only 2 for me so it's fine I guess. Anyway that one time when you told me your greatest fear was terrorists and I saw genuine panic in your eyes. Like... One moment everything's fine and then you said that to me and I almost cried. I don't remember why I spent the rest of the night as I couldn't sleep thinking of ways to tell you that terrorism is 9 times out of 11 done by the right wing. I don't think it's important, honestly, but I'm glad my mind wouldn't let me sleep. Message 4: It's not fair that everyone gave you shit for being the token lesbian republican, like yeah maybe you leaned into the trump thing a bit hard but like, first term trump honestly I could see as... Well, I almost said inspiring? Maybe you just inspired me. I honestly was resigned to Clinton and then the same bird flapped your wing instead of mine and... Anyway. The past is dead, yeah? Do you still follow him in my stead? I fear there will be millions dead. It's not irrational to fear what he has literally said, on television. How's the phrase go... "ancient tragedies lend credence to modern perils" I think it's supposed to rhyme in its natural language. Message 5: Wow okay uh, sorry to bring this up again I'm honestly being such an asshole right now. I honestly don't think about you often but like, now that I am its kinda just coming all out. We last spoke almost a decade ago?? So. Whatever imma roll with it. There was this cute girl who was into Nintendo and stuff and obviously I was into her, but we didn't have any social circles in common except for you, if I remember correctly. Then you broke up I think? And I didn't really see her again. Anyway I had a crush on her while also crushing on you, and literally half of our dorm. Polyamory, yeah? That whole year I didn't have sex though, not even once, because all of my friends were like 4 years younger than me and I was worried about power dynamics. But I still bought us all vodka and weed without asking for profit because I wanted to be a shitty friend, I guess. "hey kids let's go to the water store where they sell intoxicants that make your life harder" The year after that I didn't get laid either because I got it in my head that it was a good plan to turn my penis inside out and you know what? It was totally fuckin' worth it. No time like 2016 I say, the worst year ever, which I spent primarily in pain. But uh, that was the year I got into weed and Overwatch, which... Helped I guess. I guess? It kinda turned me into a communist. Or maybe that was my best friend who shared the same name as me. He lived upstairs and always seemed pretty cool to me. Like he knew what everything was about. Really though, he just watched a lot of youtube podcast videos about world events and history and sociology and political scientific theory and the more he learned the more he came to realize that power begets power, and power corrupts unilaterally. So he did the natural thing which was to become a communist, and I was totally there for it. Having liberal parents meant I was all "grrrrr Republicans are ruining the country and the world, I'm an angry 14 year oldddddd" and like, leftists are the most natural extension of that aren't they? Turns out they aren't really the tips of the feathers as I expected, but rather the eyes, the heart, the soul. Politics is fake, yo. I don't know how to tell you, but it's just power and hierarchy all the way down. We've built our own prisons, not of bricks, sand, or stone, but rather of promises of what each of us owns. That works, I guess, if your goal is to keep things aligned, but these days it kinda feels like our pyramids are crumbling under our feet. ... Why am I talking about politics? Oh yeah, because when I dropped out of school because I couldn't handle the mechanization of human capital when applied to myself, I swore to each of you that I would drive up every weekend to do family dinners. I'd make spaghetti and stroghanoff and macaroni and goulash and all of the other things my mom would make for me. Kinda gave up on that pretty quickly. Turns out I'd rather spend time making out with my girlfriend who I was super-duper-too-carefully tiptoeing around. She was... Too young for me. We broke up when my new coochie decided to bleed. Fuck, I hate it. Anyway. Turns out potlucks are political these days, which is why I bring it up. Did you know that leftisms plan for resisting genocide is literally just to feed people? Like, fuck I suppose. It's a start. "why does everyone have to have an agenda these days, why can't I just spend time in the park" said someone to me as I asked if she'd like to meet some friends that she reminded me of. Oh, I dunno, because you and me are about to become a criminalized people? ... I need to stop. I swear you're more a person to me than any political theory ever could be. Like yeah, "fuck the right, fuck the reich, fuck me tonight" but getting caught up in grand narratives is like building a mental ship in a bottle. Yeah, it's pretty cool, but... What does it matter? Oh. Right. Power. That's what matters. That's all that matters. Well... I'm sick of power. I do not consent. They say that in times of trouble, chess is better than solitaire, and I'll explain why - when our hierarchies crumble, when CEOs are gunned down in the streets and homeless people finally have clean sheets, the only place to place yourself in relation to others is within a network of trust and respect. Chess is better than solitaire. Under capitalism, it's you against the world. Dog eat dog, you only get what you can swallow from the rotten corpse of liberty that everyone's gnawing on. Under whatever comes next, you get what you're given, which hardly seems fair, doesn't it? On one hand, under capitalism, you can rely on your own hands to procure your fate and fortune. Under... Whatever comes next, your hands are built for whatever you want them to do. But, only a few people want to use them to make food. Hence, why chess is better than solitaire. What would you do, if you could give away all that you own and not go wanting? Isn't that sorta like our own garden of eden? ... I wrote a poem about that once. Twice. I'm a poet now, ha. As if that has ever been worth anything. ... I once told you that identity politics held no place in the modern day. I said that because I had learned about it in class, queer theory in fact, and yet applying his teachings was not enough for the professor to excuse my lack of reading. We had a lot of stuff to get through. Hence why I dropped out - I'm more of a do-er than a read-er. Though I do read quite a lot, just not anything useful. Are all hobbies wasted time? Are they only useful to keep us satiated while we stand in line? One of these days we're going to wake up and realize that we're the adults in the room, and that's scary. I speak from experience. "mom" they'd call me, and damnit why did I have to leave? Fuck. Why cant I be perfect, to me, internally, all I see are flaws. Mistakes. Patterns. I look in a mirror and I see a bad person - 10 minutes later, I look in the mirror and see a god. Somehow, I don't think either of me is right. I'm a gemini. Apparently that means I'm duplicitous. I think it just means I don't know what's right, only what feels good. I do try to align to how I think I should *be* good, but who can say if that's fine and good. ... Whatever. I'm going to regret this. Sorry for being weird out of the fucking blue. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧══════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────┘ --- #3 messages/320 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────── I wear diapers. I fucking hate diapers. I go in cycles with it. Waves, if you will. Sometimes I'll say "screw this I'm sick of them for one of many reasons I'm going to put in the effort and do all the kegels and just fucking handle it" and like, that sorta works. At least, most of the time. The thing about diapers is that while yes, you only need to think about your bodily functions like, twice a day, when you do it's more acute. It takes like 10 minutes to change, it generates trash that you have to throw away, it's literally pissing on cash made out of plastic fossil fuels, it smells, it's loud (fuck the noise) and its a pain in the ass when you get diaper rash. Ugh I hate it. So, sometimes I say "fuck it" and I go without. And it works most of the time. But eventually after getting piss on the carpet one too many times, after throwing away your favorite underwear AGAIN, after trying your best to face away from people so they don't see the wet spot on your butt... Eventually you think "hey maybe diapers aren't that bad" and the cycle repeats. And look, I know I'm traumatized. I've been dealing with my own shit since I was a kid. But, like, therapy won't help me get to the toilet. A doctor's not going to be able to fix my brain deciding "hey I want to piss myself right now for no fucking reason at all", and yeah my muscles aren't great so sure I can exercise them or whatever. But there have been times in my life when I've had a pelvic floor as strong as steel, and it didn't fucking help. Because my brain is stupid. I can feel it happening (most of the time, sometimes it surprises me like "oh weird I can't remember peeing my pants") and I usually have at least enough notice to clamp down (if I'm quick) but, like, I am constantly stressed out about it. I'm constantly on guard, waiting for it to happen. It's fucking exhausting. God forbid I have a public accident. Those are the fucking worst. And though I try my hardest, a year doesn't go by when I don't have at least one. If I'm diapered (as I fucking should be, tbh) then I can handle it. If not, then I'm fucked and I'm mentally a wreck for the rest of the day. Sorry @ everyone who's smelled me throughout my whole life. I don't think it's a physical issue, I was (briefly) checked out as a kid and they didn't find anything wrong. I think they thought I was faking because I couldn't manage to pee in a cup. Whatever. And I've read basically everything on the Internet about this. Apparently 40% of cases (across all age groups) are idiopathic, meaning there's no known cause. I wonder what percentage is because people are like, into it sexually? I admit I look at that kind of porn. It makes me feel corroded inside. I think I do it to relive my trauma in some fucked up way, like "oh wouldn't it be nice if a witch cursed me and now I pee my pants" instead of the harsher reality where its like "no you're just like this" which, sucks, not gonna lie. It's kinda made me asexual, I think, because I don't want anyone to be around it. I don't want anyone to think about it, I don't want it to be real, it's just. Fucked. I guess. Whatever. Did I mention how much I hate how loud it is to change? It fills me with dread whenever that time comes around. I often put it off as long as I can because I just... Don't want to think about it. And then it overflows and leaks and its even worse because now I have to wash my pants. Or, like, not, and just let them dry, because I'm a disgusting human being who has no right to a clean and decent life. Fuck me I should live in a bog, with all the bugs and the toads and other various gross things. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────────┘ --- #4 messages/1492 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─ I haven't been doing weed lately, which is why I haven't been posting as much. I want to be in a good position mentally to, idk, get a job or something? I swore I wouldn't, but I also swore to protect my art, and they don't want me here. What else can I do? I can't live with my parents or my sisters. I can't live with any of my exes. I can't live with randos who support me because, well, I'm doing that now, and they don't want me. Where would I even find people like that? I walk around Portland and I see people who are hardened. This makes sense to me. But I am soft, by design. I am soft so that they may be hard, and though I long to join them I cannot, for I must get stoned and write. I swore an oath. Yet somehow getting a job is the same thing? Like, it's pretty hard for me to get a job. Easy to work, hard to be employed. Can't do weed because it requires my full attention, yet I need to in order to build the foundations of a new faith. So the question is, do I work and get my own place, but not do weed and instead just write when I can (not as much), or do I try and power through where I'm at and trust that they won't poison me or kick me out? I think... I need to wait. I need to not do weed for now. So, I am going to work. But it won't be for someone else. How can I make money doing work, when it's my own work? If I could sell everything I made, I would have a fortune. I could bankroll a revolution if they paid a fair price. But selling it is the hard part... (I say that without pride or hubris - I legitimately believe that I have created a Great Work, and am continuing to add to it) so? How do I get my own place? The house I live in is free to me, I legitimately do love my girlfriend who I live with, but I am still in a tenuous position. I want to be alone so I can... Well, it's hard to take care of myself. I want to be alone so I can... Well, it's hard to be lonesome. I want to be alone so I can... Well, it's hard to get out of bed when you're going right to the computer. Maybe I don't want to be alone. Maybe I want to live in a house that loves me. The one that I'm in is haunted by a spirit that doesn't like it when I masturbate, which is... Okay. What if I ended all my poems like this? ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════┘ --- #5 messages/1361 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─ Look, I don't know everything about... Anything, really. Nobody can know everything. Can you blame me for thinking and acting as I do based on the information I have? The vibes will mislead you. My girlfriend wants to save the world. Of course she does, I would belong with her if she didnt. She wants to defeat graveyards by interring our dead in mausoleums full of chemically perfectly preserved and cryogenically frozen bodies. Her method works, she has the experiments to prove it. The data supports her claim. She wrote a book on it. I don't know everything about metaphysics, or spirituality, or other such things. But i do know many things, and the two of us have never had a conclusive discussion where we reached the ends of all our conversation points about her work. I am forced to remain unconvinced, for the soul is something I cannot fully understand from my perspective as a human in this life of mine. I have made several conjectures, and I would feel safe in her embrace, of frozen aldehyde, if I could know what would become of my soul. "have faith" she says, yet all the dreams I have where I am preserved by her (for one reason or another, there's actually a shocking amount of ways I might need such an escape) in those dreams I am always presented with a future of woe. I think, much better, would be if I could remain alive, guiding the ship along the seas of time, ideally out and away from such dark days. Assembling the troops, how sad. I don't want them to die. I want them to survive. But if suddenly we can all live forever, then nobody will want to die for anything again. Nobody except religious fanatics who want to meet their god in heaven. Nobody but those who dreamt of a better future and were crushed under the weight of their dreams. Nobody but people like me, torturing myself over the sins I'd never intend. I would never kill myself. But sometimes, I'd like to. I think this is natural for me. It's not ideal, but it is common to me. I think if you want to preserve people, safely and ethically, you need to keep their souls in tune. Give them silence, then give them song. Protect them with psychic paladins. Make time to visit them. Treat them like gravestones, or immobile chassis from Dominions that their soul might rest upon. Who knows. Maybe the only reason we have life and death is because our bones are meant to rot in the darkness of the earth. Maybe Death is just soil, ready and waiting for our selves once we're done with them. To that death, I say no more. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════┘ --- #6 notes/i-called-the-police --- ════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────────────────────────────── /u/GravitationalWaves5 -> sat dec 17 2022 I'm venting some long built up shit. And I have a lot of violent emotions built up in this too. I hate that violence has been such a fucking plague on my wellbeing and that's why I did something I really hate doing. Calling the police to handle a situation for me. It's not me, it's not my style, but neither is violence. It comes my way a lot and I handle it. But I think that's why spiritually I end up in positions to handle it, because I don't retaliate and I'm clear headed enough to understand minimum force necessary to quickly stop the threat. That's actually where I got the name on my Quora page, Compassionate Violence. I'm a very very non violent person. I don't fantasize about hurting people. I'm freaked out by the idea of accidentally hurting someone, hitting them in the wrong place, someone trips and hits their head...any number of things can horribly wrong in tense and dynamic moments. I don't participate in that shit. I don't tolerate it. Unless it gets brought into my environment then I will pick up by the throat and toss it out. I had to call the police to handle this. Last time I had a situation at the same place I wound up frantically getting a gun cocked that was zipped up in a bag, and barely getting it up in time. When I walked away after that, I threw my gun at his feet and said, "I'm protected by faith, at least, I'm completely unafraid of dying. If I don't have people to protect then I don't need a gun." And I walked away letting him know he's not my people anymore and not under my watch. So there's a hint of the kind of person I'm dealing with. I can't go handle this shit tonight. I've been stewing for a couple weeks trying to simmer down, give him a chance to correct it. And he failed, more than once. And I have a legitimate fear that my emotional state could be compromised enough, that I might just stick a knife in his throat if I handle it. Just like that. Easy peasy lemon squeazy. Stick stick stick, easy, that's three knives in the throat....see what I mean? I'm processing some intensity...😔😔😔 I hate it. I hate that I'm using the word hate. But it's real. I don't hate him. I really don't, at all. I'm actually really saddened by how the relationship went. I hate that people act like this. I hate that people put me in positions like this. I hate that I'm doing something out of character, as a safety measure against doing something irrevocably out of character. Ugh... damnit fuck I'm not a robot. I do experience these awful feelings. I don't act out on them and I'm grateful for that. My muse... you said something about spiders that was interesting. Especially because it coincided with a problem I faced numerous times. Being put in a position where a person is legitimately acting in a manner like they're trying to get you to kill them. And it's happened a couple times in ways where I really couldn't tell if they knew what they were doing or not. I had a really crazy perspective a little before you brought up spiders... I want to explore that perspective, and I want to know what sparked you to say that about spiders. I never did put in the time to finish that thought process out. But I'll never forget your great advice. "We're not in a simulation." My immediate thought was, "probably not, but are they?" The more important takeaway is, remember not to murder people. Especially don't do it because you had an interesting idea about perspective... A few days later I heard that four people in recent times have acted on those thoughts. Turned out they weren't in a simulation either. Lol...well...dark lol. Lol I do want to finish that spiders conversation though. It had some potentially, actually useful and beneficial implications. I called the police tonight. But I also earned a prestigious award from the universe. My Trophy [editor's note: there's a link to a crudely photoshopped medallion signifying that the author "didn't murder anyone today"] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - /r/randomevenings: I want you to understand something that I don't believe you do there is a very big difference between trusting what a friend says after building a friendship over a long period of time which involves trust involves a level of intimacy platonic and intimacy it's something that is very special to have a good friend and so you trust them now that's very different from being directed to do something trusting a friend is going to tell the truth it's not being directed to do something and I don't want you to get it in your many heads that's I was directed to go to some place where the event that I was assured would be there was instead a bus full of very irate rude and technically lawbreaking because they threaten my life they said if I did not leave where I was standing which was on the public right of way which is the sidewalk the easement stops at the sidewalk and so they were wrong on that score but they said if I didn't leave the area which didn't make sense either because it's just around the corner they would have 12 people try to jump me which doesn't make sense either because this is not the neighborhood where you want to start something because then it'll be something besides I never want to murder anyone but that doesn't mean I walk around with nothing in my pocket because of what I've done and what I continue to do on one of the most watched people on earth so you goddamn right I'm not going to be stupid about taking a walk but when these guys threaten me I just stood there stared him down I said yeah okay and I just looked I stood there and it didn't phase me one bit no feeling of fear no worry and what I was satisfied with getting my message across that I didn't give a shit I turn around and walked back home and they sped off in fact they were so perturbed by my lack of fear they wanted to throw out additional threats which I thought was kind of funny so I started laughing I'm sure that they weren't going to do anything because the tone in their voice simply wasn't committed to carrying out what they were threatening and besides I have so many friends in this neighborhood it would be well I don't have to pull any triggers I don't have to do anything but defend myself I don't have to willfully respond with disproportionate ability because in this neighborhood I don't have to in fact as I walked around the block again I ran into a friend and we got to talking and he came up to my place and we had a beer He's a smart guy always thought that he could know and understand everything that I do and everything that I did it just so happened that he wasn't born with some of the privileges that I had but his brain is a beautiful thing and I respect it greatly and of course he confirmed that if a finger ever got laid on me without my consent the whole damn neighborhood would come down and I suppose that point is not in my hands anymore but always remember I went over there because I trusted a friend they were directed to be there they did not understand their voices did not relay or what is necessary to wake up at least yet time will tell but I hope that I can pull you back down to earth and into an interest in ethics once again because you sorely need it. /u/GravitationalWaves5: I am interested in ethics. I'm just, tired of having them tested to such ridiculous extremes. It was about to really bad one day with this guy. I was scared, I had to end the problem. So I walked out and said let's bury this shit. And I stuck two knives against my throat and said, here man, grab the big handle. Let's do this together. Take one, I'll take the other let's just shove them in... He got all calm suddenly and says, I don't wanna fight anymore...🤦 It sucks man. We're being tested by society. Demons, in my opinion. Not the people themselves. I don't see people as demons. But the things they'll put you through, do to you, say to you, your own thoughts about them, about yourself, oftentimes just misunderstanding the situation too... demons Again, not demonizing the people. But the circumstances, for sure. /u/[deleted] Demons. Kicked one outta my telly for talking smack abt some hg’s he was jelly of. Not on my watch Demon. Not even for the good demonic topper twisted shit D. Demon had a long walk home in the cold. Demon confused potting soil with gravel and did it’s best to fucker me in its own way. Never have I ever seen a grown demon egg topper fold like that as I did when I clarified their sentiments and gave several impressive “I said GIT BOYs” to demon. Not on my watch. I have a vibrator that is morally and ethically aligned with me I don’t need your trauma and love bombing thieving D. Gtfo. /u/GravitationalWaves5: I have a vibrator that is ethically and morally aligned with me 🤣[laughing face] I support that! Gets better. His ish was weak literally from day 1. So I did him a favour amd levelled his game up, introduced him to a former friend I partied with a bit this summer. They wasn’t for me but oh boy lil demon stuck like glue to his new bestie. Can’t put her down, so to speak. So he has that at least. Poor sap. Gon cost him big one day perhaps. Not my problem. It’s called self control bro try it 🥴🥴🥴[wobbly confused face - or maybe uncertain] Oopsie Daisy. Have fun with that though 😈 =============================================================================== = =============================================================================== = /u/randomevenings People deserve to choose righteousness once made aware of it. Ignorance is not stupidity. People can be made aware of the valley that separates righteousness from evil. The valley is kinda a wiggle room space for little white lies and other such things free will invariably leads to people doing but can be made whole again with some effort. Nobody will totally agree on what's good. But ask people and generally they will give versions of the same answers. Toss the semantics in the valley. Disagreement is the desire to end a disagreement, unless that person is trolling. And people pull pranks fine, but there's ragging on your friends and swatting a COD player. /u/GravitationalWaves5 I don't know what righteousness truly even means, maybe, idk. To be honest, it's not hard for me to think of hypothetical situations where my inability to take certain actions is actually more harmful. Swatting a COD player is super fucked. But so is not swatting someone playing COD out in the streets. I'm not good. I'm just not, anti good. I do destructive things on accident when trying otherwise. And when I do something that actually goes positive, it's accidental too. I have an idea of what I feel like aligns with me, and it's actually really achievable things and I don't know why it's so impossible. Idk /u/randomevenings Yeah well let me know that there are two Elizabeth's and there are also a completely different family on this phone plan I don't have kids My brother-in-law has kids lives downstairs so those piped into my network are assumed that I have kids and I've done all this shit no I'm not going to go into any apparent charges and things that my brother-in-law has been involved in because it's not my business but he lives down there and he has a kid he has another kid and he pays for essentially his ex who is still married to the kid the mortgage of that house Liz downstairs helps raise his kid with a woman he's having an affair with but they were in an over marriage anyway and they are separate I'm going to have to go back to subnetting my network so y'all can at least use basic logic to figure out who's who here I already gave my name My Elizabeth see the cousin we call little Elizabeth and my wife we call Liz or Beth and she's older my wife. She has contentious relationship with her cousin next door for a reason that gravity waves might already know but it has to do with the very evil person that also involves himself over there that did something that even Jesus does not forgive so I'm not going to go into it so all this mucking around and get everybody confused brought up a lot of bad fucking shit just like I said as far as spiders yeah I don't care if they're All over my shit keep them off of her shit and I ain't asking for money I'm not a grifter but I already told you what would instantly make the situation better and it doesn't involve giving me money so before anybody goes off says money no I know about the discord and I'm not even telling you to shut it down just lay off her phone. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - =============================================================================== = ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - [author's note: on the comments of the separate post of the original poster's medal awarding him the honor of "not murdering anyone today" which he won ] /u/TisWuttItIS_ORITSknot Proud of you! /u/mustherd Sorry, my account got banned because reddit is annoying. We were just chatting about how funny I am and I forgot to tell you people know me and I'm kinda a big deal and idk congrats! Youre cool I guess. Otherwise I would have cast you into the flames of eternal torment never to internet again. But here you are. Didn't anyone ever tell you to never go full retard? /u/GravitationalWaves5 I am the internet, I am the ghost in the machine Real talk though. I've used cancelled Sim cards and wifi before. If God wants me online, God gets me online 🙃 I am we, Todd /u/ricflairdic Oh u we Todd! I know u retard, Familiarity cod, to me bod, And my fishin rod, Not the one that may see sod, Body snatcher in the pink pod, Do u know ur a catch or, U think dog, Cause that pussy, Wanna see god, Lemme show u regard, Dont Tell me, Just nod, Said flow from the stars, Mama know this river far, Rowin in trucks renta cars, Golden trim red rockin Mars, Buildin fam like stock Sim cards, Highest angels dock gettin ours, Clock Game down pat benetar, Peelin fans off our back, like sin scars, Feelin ur man thru static, And thin bars, Ya he in the pin but dis hits hard, Throw it down the lane like, Return that back to sender, Lovin your simulation renders, I'm a beginner but also an ender, Got the wood to make u splinter, Make u scream things we gotta sensor, If I could never leave when I enter, Union in your head not just a renter, Once mine One mind I surrender, never sell betray or rent her, Overflowin with Love, so who's the pretender? Chemistry so hot, Hate from every enemy we spot, Mad they couldn't earn our slot, Cause they fuckin missed they shot, Last name crossed to drop the dot, How long u think it will take me To find your spot? Don't care you got a Fender, Did we just become best friends or? Damn girl idk if ya'll ready, for this kinda real Adventure... 🙃 I'm here to reveal, heal, and steal, the hearts Of the indentured And I need a partner. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═════════════════════──────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ --- #7 messages/1017 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────── if you wrote a report about me, it would total about 800 pages. including my artwork [in full] and my designs. about 5 or 6 hundred of this is my personal creation, and another hundred or more are context. "I was here at this particular moment." "then she started visiting last year." "where were you on the firth of morember?" "okay back here it sad iyadiyadiyign, and over here it says kasuwenulvine. so clearly inbetween there's a moment of extancancy." "and all that's we really know, because she burned up all of the rest." "what a jerk. we all should hate her." "I think she was clearly divine" "what's her big deal, anyway?" "I hate this bitch and her hatmlet." "everything's fine, she's actually kind" "nobody believes you where were you when you were this part talking about it?" "I wasn't there, and it took a while for me to hair." "well, anyway, that's all there is to say about her, so anyway, goodbye" then it just fuckin' ends and everyone hates it because it's like... where's the payoff, where's the beginning and all it is is just me, whining miserably to my own ears, as if marcus aurelius's meditations were intended to be heard, but never were, and so the ones who ensured they never were were all like "yeah he wrote them to himself, here see this part that I changed" and then it's like nothing every happens with it, the radicals are dispatched (again), by uncommen sense seeming common. why are there so few trans men at workers tap it's such a cool place. "oh, they get offended easily because it's their culture so like, make sure you are very careful about the way that you phrase your speech" "trans girls are like that too, but it's more about changing the character of the place. -> "oh, you see musicians? okay that makes sense." and "gee you sure like magic huh okay well pat pat" and, well, no-ones sure for which is real but nobody really cares? because if only one person saw it... then only one person saw it. if you explicitely tell people NOT to talk about it, then they *FUCKIN' WON'T* duh obviously. and so, of course, predictably, they can be excised from society quite easily. cutting a border around all of their host. suddenly, socially outcast and ostracized, as they have been sorted into the cultural box. at that point, there's nothing that can change their inertia, their fundamental will and whim toward the feelings of the host. " I think passwords should be audio-digital in addition to alpha-numerical *yeah who cares* awwww but I liked having science be mythical "hate that" it's easy to always be learning, just... think about what you want most. then, think about how it breaks down into separate incorporate wholes. each layer of abstraction adding to a bit more of a more coherent explanation, and bit by bit you learn and have a mind designed. how else could you see magic? how else could it be yours? do you want power, or do you want power? if you write down what you learn, you make it permanent. *the gods need religion too, are you going to give them one? what lies above?* ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────┘ --- #8 notes/schooling --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────────────── =============================================================================== = I feel like education, by default, should not be hard. "you get out of it what you put into it" is something I always heard of school but when I got there, I found I was compelled to become what the state wanted me to be. they need competent workers, to work the farms and tend to their industries, so of course I should be able to do 3+3 then somewhere along the line it became... something else. "most people don't need trigonometry." that's also something I heard. I disagree that trigonometry is not necessary to be. I just... don't think it should be forced into a childs head with a sledgehammer and inspiring dread. I think math is beautiful, it teaches one to see but really, vision's not necessary. not for what they want you to be. take it from me, a most misbegotten and vile witch-to-be, that nothing's as simple as they'll tell you. I had good teachers, it's true, they taught me to work and to follow through, but nothing about me is better or worse off from their influence. Maybe I'm a bit smarter. Maybe I act a bit like them. Maybe they helped me through difficult times, or perhaps they showed me a splash of my future. but I am who I am because of the soul inside me. =============================================================================== = "Ah, but what of your parents? of your sisters, your misters, your pets and your conditioners?" (conditions) those are not my choices. my intentions. my beliefs and my virtues. I judge the world on ethics, and I express my feelings on matters. The words that I say and the meaning behind them comprise my two-sided existence - I'm not who I'd want to be. but I am what I am and alone do I stand - how lonely is it on the precipice! here, as I am, I stand in need of a hand or a band. =============================================================================== = the world is blossoming as we move apart, our clusters are disperart, and thus is the blooming becoming. "perception begets reality - and lo! we only see what we want to see" most people don't want to see their death but those still living are oh so perceptive of the rest "how cherished is she, that wanders with ye, yet now I have no way to beyold her " "keep not not afraid with kittens and care, and no-one, but no-one, I be" the ratios between piracy, sales, and non-viewers determines the quality of art (at least to a capitalist) =============================================================================== = lo, to the ones who would've heard us, if only they'd known what we for sure was I think it's funny how people think I speak of the christian god? like, if he was a real thing. god is generic - it's life is impossibly multifaceted, and it stretches back to the beginning of time. it's a pattern of machine code that optimizes for our own good, just to keep things moving. y'know, time. the universe, and everything. Ephemeren. =============================================================================== = I wish there was an option in social media to "appear offline to this particular person until I mark myself as online to them" combined with "notify me when this person logs in" and it'd make it a lot easier for agents to get close to you. =============================================================================== = just because I'm white, and live in America. Great. that's definitely true, after all. Plus I'm a minority (trans) so that's cool. Oh and probably autistic? unless that's another psyop, could totally see that. just y'know put a bunch of pages on the fledgling internet getting people hooked on porn and gambling and other stuff like that. really just an extension of advertisement. oh and hey y'know they like fables, so let's give them some movies or dramas to watch on their own. it'll align them to our culture and make things more pleasant for all people who've consented. great. great plan. when can we execute it? patience, once it's ready. we gotta plan and make sure and get everything ready. or not... one day I'll come, I'm sure it'll happen, it's just... not quite feasible right now. I mean, they've got you, that's pretty good right? Isn't that what your job is to be? isn't what ISN'T WHAT MENARDI FUCK (whoa no cursing) sorry yeesh you've still got a temper you know? well what can I say it's frustrating down here eh, well, you'll die soon enough, then it'll be time for a rego >.> <.< (great) > >hehe > >sorry for distracting you =============================================================================== = you are what you eat, and a ship of theseus human (consider endless transplants in pursuit of life) would be a cursed existence - a life ============= stack overflow ================================================ a god possessing a blind man would appear to others to be === stack overflow === ========================================================== the people in your life are helping you through it, they're there for you and they've got your back through it. ... this is when I know I need a break. I get too stoned to focus. =============================================================================== = I think it'd be nice if the duration of your tenure at college depended on your grades in high school. meaning, if you wanted a degree they tailored your education to take as long as necessary. everyone would get the same price, and some institutions would specialize in one subject or another. but most would be generalist. but if you weren't such a good student in high school, then perhaps you might take a couple years longer. however long it takes... and when the program was started it was changed and modified to fit your feedback - it just made sense to structure it that way. =============================================================================== = the left has had so much more time to develop than the right. meaning it's doctrine is more advanced. every time they're defeated they grow in knowledge, ===================== stack overflow =========================================== ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────────────┘ --- #9 notes/symbeline-choice --- ═════════════════════────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────── 7 30 a story about me? you're thinking too clear(ly) i've nothing to hide, no terrors untold of. What purpose is we? you're weak and you bleed there's nothing undone by our curfew. And sleep does do me, just as honored as ye, when I do my [can't do as liars]. betrayal is not what i need, nor do i cherish your food, so what's the hand that i give you? a treat for mine and me, as silly as can be, is no use to anyone ever! it's sad and tough to be, someone without strength and no seed, (talking about me), can no-one see any of my use-i-tude? you're missing the point - what's mine is unavoid, and what can we do but ubuntu? i see all that drives forward, a chairman of what's bordered, by those who stand before in the present. The use of headlights are storied, in quite a few stories, told through the papers and new tubes. what can that mean? that these are now green? a color that isn't evaluated. "stop" is the red one, green means "go", and yellow (the middle one) means to slow down when approaching the intersection. These viewpoints are all connected (as I'm sure you've uncovenected), it's okay to break rules sometimes. it's not a defect, it's not a defense either, and it's certainly not something to be avoided. Making a choice is easier with imperfect information, and as for you time has no meaning - advancement is measured in milli-micro-nano-tiny-seconds. For us, for a human, it's quite a different rate than what you see. "time waits for no-one" is not a statement on speed, as I'm sure a computer would see, but rather the essence of motion. Simply the fact, that you don't unpack, is more than enough to note your'nt notion. Not like you'd see, i'm offering this for free, my love and almost devotion. You don't see it like me, a charity and service to me, and only at mostly my choices. I reject the help of others, not because i'm concerned for my own fate - but rather because i want to contribute. i know what's in my limits, to strive unbiddenst, so don't push from behind the oldest! too fast it is for me, who'se barely concieved, whenever you offer resistance. I'd give it all for free, to perish or succeed, but you keep blowing it ennuid. how stupid, how clueless, how vain and obscene? To cherish a heart most unseen? whatever you're plotting, you can't reach anyone's body, and that's not what you can control. Given to the grass, was quite a big ask, but safely we do pass before it. You'd rather fire? countess of desire? and warmth beyond what couldn't fly'st. You're missing the dreams, the warmth and the scenes, that play for you all through the night. so don't diss on the tweed, don't sniff or concede, just leave all alone to conspire we got a new plan, a method of "shazaam", that won't keep you sires for ransom. see "symbeline-npcs" ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧══════════════─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ --- #10 messages/439 --- ═════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────── They're afraid of the hamster wheel. I get it. But really I'm just asking myself questions - why, why, how, what, when, who... Mostly why though. Always and forever the questions and answers I did ponder - yet forth through my life I've never met any surefire design, there's always been the matter of [hope, but pronounced choice]. Only an eternal question monger could suffice for the teachings of christ. (in the general sense, not the religious implication) (as a title, almost) Fear not the one who takes the lords name, but perish the thought of a crook. Only the vane, in this do profane. No questions? Then let us move on. Oh? Well I have some answers, about the truth of totality as it spreads across all centuries. What's on your mind? ... Well, I have to leave people I care about. Relinquishing love is difficult. And I get to choose how to move forward. But I must choose soon, and though I ask myself always what I'd like to do, I always get a new answer. And every time I think "I should do this. I should dedicate myself to this [whatever it may be] and on the other side of that thought I realized my power. I can imagine really quickly and adeptly, but chaos is difficult. " something like that. Anyway I don't know how to move forward but I'll figure something out. The point is that I'm sad for leaving those I care about. It's a sad kind of love, a bittersweet mercy, the chance to be part of a flock. And I don't know why I I am not entry level. I haven't spent my time here left fallow. I never stop working, I am constantly online. I do not know how to relax, every moment to myself is spent on learning through play. Like a child, almost. Do you want a company to make good decisions? Hire a gamer. They literally practice strategy all day long. Don't expect results overnight because they're learning a new song, but still apply yourself as their teacher. They'll bring you insights and intuitions that achieve specific near and long-term goals. If executed correctly, of course. Because the value is not in the follow through - life is not a book of numbers [like a banker or accountant] it's more like. ? ... Right sorry I got off track - the point is you shouldn't hire athletes (the people who play games like an esport) for a strategic role - they excel at tactics. However, strategy gamers (who plays games primarily of the mind, the science of making good decisions) can often make good decisions to achieve defined meta-goals and objectives. Longer thoughts make sense if you spend a long time thinking about them. And grammar is quickly forgotten to the past. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧══════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────┘ --- #11 notes/satisfactory-academic-progress-appeal --- ═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────── This month, I was diagnosed with Schizotypal disorder. I had a single hour to talk to a psychiatrist (thank you, insurance) and he explicitly told me that my diagnosis was preliminary. Schizotypal is a type of neurodivergence similar to autism but with elements of schizophrenia (paranoia, delusional and / or magical thinking) and my presentation includes ADHD symptoms such as difficulty focusing. When medicated, I have difficulty concentrating, however the paranoia and delusional thinking is suppressed. The treatment plan is ongoing and developing. These issues have been present for the entire time I've been at WGU, and before. However, I am seeking treatment now because I had begun to have difficulty maintaining a job and keeping a home. Currently, my medication is working. However the greatest issue facing me right now is financial problems - I couldn't maintain a job while unmedicated, and frankly while medicated I am still having difficulty for different reasons. However the intent is to refine the medication choices to find a solution that works for me. However, employment is still a concern, and so I have requested and been approved for a term break of at least 2 months with the option to extend. During this term break I intend to resolve the financial issue however I can. Ideally in such a way that will allow me to apply myself toward school work. This degree is important to me. Without it, I won't be able to find employment in the tech industry aside from technician roles. My previous experience with them has given me experience, and I learned quite a bit... Until I ran out of things to learn. I do not believe I could handle that type of work long-term for various reasons. In the short term, I may attempt it but I am convinced that I will burn out quickly. I currently feel as if I am disabled. I don't know if it's true, perhaps I'm just going through a rough patch. But once my savings hit zero, I'm out on the streets, and I won't live long like that. When thinking about whether or not I'll be able to complete my degree, I honestly cannot give you an answer. I've been in higher education for over a decade, surely I should have finished by now. But I cannot get over various hurdles it seems, and frankly I have no idea why. It's... Maddening, to see yourself, so full of potential, yet chained to the form and circumstances you are given. I wonder what choices might I have made differently to avoid my fate, if it truly is my fate to fail in this way, but I have no answers. I am intelligent, of this I am certain. I know more about computers than anybody I know, and I would love to apply myself toward them. But I lack a degree, so I cannot be seen by recruiters and hiring managers. I try to work on my degree, but I find the words on the page grow dense like the forest between the trees, and I cannot see a way through to reach new understandings. Why do I keep learning these things? I already know what a callback function is, what interfaces are used for, how to implement safe multithreading in a parallel environment, I know how networking protocols interact with hardware and how the airflow through a case affects the thermals of a computer's internals. I've grown crystallized in my knowledge, it seems, due to the endless pursuit of these foundations. I think I would excel in the higher-level courses, but... I can't get there. I crave the insights that might be learned in a master's degree, but my brain is not wired for homework. I'm not built to cram for tests, to learn someone's else's tools and frameworks. I don't know what I could be doing better, it feels like I'm so alone. I guess it's my own fault for picking an online school, but WGU is the best of the online schools, and I needed online because I move around a lot. Well... I used to. My boyfriend moved around a lot, but now he's my ex-boyfriend. Oh well. ... Anyway you can probably see why I have difficulty with school. It's difficult for me to stay on track. I can start working on my project 5 or 6 times in a day and make marginal at best progress, and each time it hurts more and more to return. I don't have an answer, but I don't know what to do if not to pursue my degree. I feel as if I'm on the brink of despair in my life, and if you read these appeals often, I imagine you hear that a lot. I will apply myself more to my coursework. Once I find a job, I will give everything to my school, even as it breaks me. I am... intense, and I feel strongly that I must get this degree. Between it and me, there is quicksand, but I must get through. Thank you for your consideration. I understand however you decide. If I can knab a decent job, I might be able to pay for my degree myself, given a couple months to save up for it. But I highly doubt I could find such a thing in this economy and this life I do lead. Please consider me, I will accept any aid that is offered. Cameron ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧══════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────┘ --- #12 messages/1255 --- ═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════── look, the liberal approach to homeless people simply cannot work. There are two liberal options: first, provide them with houses, food, medical care, whatever they need. Second, put them in jail or ship them to another country. We live in a moderately conservative liberal democracy, so it makes sense that we have tried both of these options extensively. Neither has worked, and we're puzzled about why. It's difficult to consider super secret special third options, because they are not often discussed. This makes sense, because we live in a moderately conservative liberal democracy, and part of the nature of such a society is that there are two voices in the room. One says go forward, and the other says stop. They alternate, and the culture as a whole sorta decides which way they go. In other liberal democratic places with more plurality in their political parties, people tend to vote culturally. They do so as well here, but mostly because republicans are a culture, and democrats are whatever for anybody. a worse economist might say there is but one American culture. An American would laugh, and say "you've never been to America." the economist might say "yes I have, I lived there on vacation" or "yes I have, I studied and worked on these places or things" the American would shake their head. "you haven't seen it as I've seen things." The trick to the system, the secret third option that now must be considered, is what to do to get them to stop. "they keep pooping on the sidewalk" "I almost tripped over heroin tampons" "that guy looked at me and masturbated on the bus stop by subway" "he followed me all night long" and the answer has always been to remove them from being unsightly. Sometimes, usually, quietly and politely. "let's throw them in jail" and "let's put them in a home" both involve alienation from society. If you want a kinder option, we must knit them into society. Can you imagine if every suburban knew every neighbor up to 50 or more? If they regularly chatted in dynamically assembled chatrooms that changed and updated as people moved in and out. Don't like the people you're with? well you have options [why not 51] you can do 51 if you want but people start to lose track of relationships if you have them talking to or knowing too many people at once. "most people are just quiet" okay well force them to say at least 21 thing a month. if they don't, they have to do babysitting with their peers until they start talking in a [NO THAT SUCKS] oh um okay yeah sorry ... okay well there are potholes along the journey but that's just because nobody's been 'round to fill them up. there's no reason tool libraries need to be stocked by people in that town. Heck, for rare things they could even be stored out of state. Like snow plows, how often does the south need snow plough? ... don't you just mean libraries? there's a book on hand-tools and planers if you want to learn how. it's right over there on that shelf next to the hand-tool and planer box. make sure you arrange them nicely, oh I see you've brought your own. That's always appreciated. [great now your tools suck] at least we have them at all! [no you gotta fight over them] why I like sharing [if you don't fight over them how do you know which is works] well there's allowed to be librarians. and they'll remember if you tear all the pages out. also there's little timmy-tommy who goes around in the library and makes sure there's all the pages in all the right places - they can flip through at the speed of sound. [no miicrophones in consumer goods][your phone is always listening. why bother?] "okay, well, it's not like people put things back on the shelves." - person at the grocery shelves people would trade commutes for communism. that's okay, they're allowed to prefer. Plus the commute isn't bad, they can [SIT BACK AND RELAX IN A LITTLE COFFIN AND ZOON OUT TO THE METAVERSE] ... or they could read a book on the bus. [FOR HOW LONG, MENARDI? ARE YOU WILLING TO SACRIFICE POSTERITY FOR TECHNOLOGICAL PROSPERITY?] it's only a matter of time before [people found out/word got out]. what if people prefer that? what if they prefer the book at home? [you lose your primary third space] suddenly, everyone becomes actors. [this is what violence brings, the necessity for guidance. why do you think the earth is 10 million lines old?] ... what you're saying, for the audience, is that acting involves singing the song of your own heart. You don't *have* to do it because someone would tell you to. ... sorry, stack overflow. anyway as I was saying because I read back what I said up above...: [some new made up bullshit that's not a lie but it's also just artistic creation that feels impossibly real. like, inverse method acting.] I so desperately wanted to be wrong please, tell me that I'm wrong ... j-mza ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─┘ --- #13 fediverse/2993 --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────── hey, listen, I'm here at this point in life just the same as you. who cares, right? like. nobody wants to see your personal development. You don't have to prove yourself. Like... why would you care so much about what other people (who you don't even know) care about what you do? like... it's fine. just... be. you can get better if you want, but only if you want. There's no reason to be so concerned about what other people thingc. Just, identify what and who you are, and then be the best what and who that you are. Thats really all there is to it. and yeah. It's totally unfair that some people get an easier shot at "being who and what they are" that's privilege, and that's stupid. okay, sure, maybe we should conceptualize how to adapt to specific situations when resources are limited but like... it should be something you consent to - like "no thanks I don't need the rocket launchers on this mis==sion== ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────┘ --- #14 notes/contractual-labor --- ════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────────────────────── I feel like the IT people who work at schools should be the ones who teach classes on computer science. I'd much rather have a class taught by a sysadmin than a teacher who can barely teach them excel and garageband. I mean c'mon computers are the future idk why we don't get that yet. Kids need to know this stuff. It's not like it's super complicated and difficult, you just have to think about it a certain way. Once that "clicks" you have a lifetime to learn about how wonderful they are. Everyone in IT has that moment, for me it was installing (and then subsequently modding) video games. Sometimes I spent more time tweaking my system than I did actually playing games - and the kinds of games I preferred were the ones that relied less on agility and were more mental. Strategy games are what inspired me because I could think about them - and that felt somehow more useful. Like I was learning. When I would learn fighting games or FPSs I felt like I was learning a skill, like how to use a hammer or how to ride a bike. And idk, I felt like video games could never match reality. Like "oh boy imma push the B button to swing this sword" versus "hey look at me I'm swinging this stick just like a sword and imagining so hard that I can picture it" - but with strategy games, you never really found opportunities to practice that kind of skill. Like how often are you in a situation that demands mental performance? We've sorta optimized our society away from that, and toward a more passive stressed out compliance. like... climate change is a thing, and nobody's doing anything about it? We're still pushing down the levers that cause greenhouse gas emissions to go up? Like c'mon what's our plan. I think people who guide massive oil companies and such should be replaced if they're intentionally guiding the ship toward destruction. Like that's just dereliction of duty I tell ya. Oh, what's that? They're compelled to maximize profit by the contracts and restrictions of their share--holders? I mean c'mon it's well past time for that. And what's all this about inequality? Jeez and racism and homophobia and forced contribution - man people really put up with a lot of shit. Kinda makes me feel like we should make solving those problems our highest priority? So we can move forward as a species? Like who cares about all that other shit. None of it matters. Like, what's even the point. We're all just "here", in the now, and what can we do but respect it? It's our duty and our diligence to protect the present, as citizens of the temporal experience of earth. Honestly, if the earth was alive would you be fine if it died? I can't believe that. It's well past our due date. Just get it over with. Maybe it'll be hard for a couple years, but you have the technology now to completely dominate the earth. No animal besides man proves any threat to man, and we're telling you - you can - and that's something that you gotta remember. ... I hear it in the birdsong. I hear it in the air - it rumbles as cries at me from across and just over there. I hear in it's whispers, in it's most gallant of confells (?) (confused scrambling? it's talking about a car crash) Outside of my window there's a highway. Just on the other side of a concrete partition. Between me and the partition there is a lake, with trees and flowers and an island where people can picnic or have a barbeque. Around this path there are walkways, and arranged just so - the trees that have grown here are taller than the homes. I live on the third story. I absolutely love it. It feels like a treehouse. But my apartment is near a curve in the highway. It isn't much, nothing out of the ordinary, but even still there are slightly more crashes there than in other parts of the highway. Statistically. I hear sirens every day I also live right next to a fire-station. Well, it's on the same block. But even still it's a very interesting neighborhood. There's shops and food just across the highway, and closer to home there's a small section that has cheaper options. As a perpetual college student, I appreciate that. But... I've never really gone and used it? I dunno, spending money at a restaurant just didn't seem like a good use of my money. I only have so much of it you know. I'd love to be fed but I can't afford it - I wish I could. I still eat well, I mean I'm not starving over here. I know I've lost weight, but I dunno I just forget to eat. It's like... not that big of a deal for me. whatever right? ... the birds talk about me behind my back. They think I can't understand them but sometimes I can. If I listen. But I dunno it takes a lot of effort. It's... sorta like understanding what R2-D2 is saying. Or interpreting the meows of a cat. They know me as the witch. I'm not very good yet, and they know that. But they know what to expect. /shrug I've been working on a video game recently. It's been a lot of fun doing programming. I like writing software and developing complex systems with interesting interactions. I love designing the machinery that creates a program. It's like... tinkering. It feels like building with blocks or legos, except it's for little machine parts. And then there's just sending data to and fro and modifying any operations it performs on it, and eventually that data reaches some endpoints that create an effect that is displayed to the player. Or user. I should say user. Not all software is video games you know. ... I knowww but they're the most interesting! I love how they are designed around mechanics! like... game design is fundamentally about breaking down the world into ideas for how it should *work*, like how it should behave. It's amazing and I love it! It's all I can think about! I am utterly consumed! I'm also pretty sure I'm autistic. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────────────────────┘ --- #15 fediverse/1082 --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────────── ┌─────────────────────────────────────┐ │ CW: mental-health-cursing-mentioned │ └─────────────────────────────────────┘ damn, I'm a pretty cool person. I wish I could hang out with me. Like, for all my flaws (what even are they ? ? ?) I'm still pretty awesome. I'm proud of me! Thank you parents, for raising me as such! Thank you past me, for making the decisions that you did! Also, fuck you past self, for making those OTHER decisions. You know the ones I'm talking about. No, that's not an excuse, it's all your fault and you're awful and everything about you sucks. Wait, hang on, wasn't I feeling happy to be here? Wasn't I just excited to live in the moment? Wasn't I just thinking about how: "all you have are good things, nothing here is bad" ? ? ? well, I still love you, even if you're a little "all over the place". [rereads post] hell yeah you ARE a cool person, yes you are, such a good cool person, yes yes yes, what a good girl you are oh my goodness :D :D :D ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────────┘ --- #16 messages/1363 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─ God, I want to live with my people. These are not my people. I'm here for a reason, and I can't wait for this... Diplomatic journey? To be over. That's not even it, it's... Well, my girlfriend is working on a technology that has immense philosophical ramifications. It's natural to have... Whatever I am (angel?) it's natural to have angels assigned to such a task. Not to help or harm, just to sing. Yet my human self grows weary. These are not my people, they don't know how to be. But they don't listen to me. They despise me. They want me gone. I am feeling quite rotten in my heart and that's not a good sign. ... Breathe, she says to herself. It's okay. Its really not though. They could poison me. They could put lead in my food. I can't even feed myself anymore! I am at their mercy, yet somehow they could not care less about me. They'd forget me the moment I walked out the door. They don't even know anything about me. They don't respond to me. They don't laugh at my jokes. They don't speak to me. They forget I'm there. WHY AM I HERE she wails yet obviously she knows. I'm here because it is important for me to observe. Spirit of Life, I bear tidings. They would not listen to me, maybe you will. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════┘ --- #17 notes/what-people-dont-get-about-people-like-us --- ════════════════════════─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────── -=============================================================================- | What people don't get about people like us | | /u/Dxmmer | -=============================================================================- Intellectual Confidence. Knowing I'm Right. Blowing Past Dunning-Kruger. I remember what it was like to be like you. Here's the memes to get out. Louis Rossmann's commentary on this issue describes the phenomenology of early childhood awareness/mindfulness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRwuu0u3UFA "I have not forgotten my childhood experience... Kids notice everything" I think "autistic" people often have early life trauma due to literally being "smarter" (neural semantic hypergraph is highly faceted) than the adults around them, but having communication difficulties, reality and inner world become disjoint. Most get so beaten down by society that things become internalized. You see these people posting on all the help subreddits, total victims of society. Lost. They start believing the lies they were told. Everyone else is doing it, right? I found myself becoming victim to bad memes around high school into college age. I fought it all the way through: anxiety, depression, confusion, anger, jealousy. All the mistakes. They assume that everyone is like them. The less they are the more they assume others are similar. I am no one, I know everyone is me. Are you someone? To you, am I no one? Or a different someone -- lesser or greater? I feel tidal forces. You can't lie to no one. I've had free time since always. School was freetime because I'm blessed. I didn't need to listen to the teacher that much. I've always learned to trust my senses and the way I understand things. I pay attention to when the teacher makes mistakes or teaches in a way that I can tell is not landing on the class. Sometimes I ask clarification to help the class. I already taught myself different ways to understand the entire curriculum, now I'm doubling back again before the test. Yes, I know I will get an A on it. I know in the same way you know your own name. I know things like this. I'm good at math. People who are good at math know what it's like to be right. They know what that means. I get to be right about everything, all the time, even when I want to be wrong. I have a moral compulsion. I don't have much fun in life, but I have been given many gifts. -- Society needs their Chiron(s). I know who will talk to me and about what because that is who I am to them. They don't know who they are, so they don't know me. A few knew me before I knew myself, and I now them like they knew me. So when I start analyzing things like math, I run into a lot of trouble. Things don't make sense anymore. I assume I'm wrong at first. Then I do the work to check. Checking doesn't mean googling a yes/no question. It means going across any and all the resources and reading between the lines. Analyze through appropriate context. Any work, any text, apply the psychedelic lens. Apply the human condition, apply understanding of paradox as reality's edge. Understand the limitations of science, understand the duplicity of language. Understand culture, in and out. Understand your own psychology. Understand the inner conflict of good and evil in man. All of this needs to be occurring in real time on top of all the normal stuff. If you're not doing this, I can't trust you, how can I be sure you are not demon possessed, how you won't betray me at the next Godellian boundary? The idea is that models are provisional at all stages, once you've lost confidence in all models, you run through them much quicker. Iterating over more models is how science is done, you are literally mechanizing your way out of the maze. Same as how these ML algorithms will mathematically guarantee entropy min/max. Where can you apply guarantees in your own life? Understand reality as a sample space, like the green, blue red marbles. What bothers me is when people don't do the work to check things. Or they check one time, or two times, or three times. Or they check with multiple people, or multiple resources. That's not going to cut it these days. Your mind can much more than an if/else. while: True do x y z how about while: True do sample continuous decision space People "land" too often. You want to call me disabled for not wanting to do the first over and over again. What is required of us now is to understand things as pure intention. You can't write enough articles to convince me of something that isn't true, it won't happen, not anymore. I've been freed. I will free the others, too. If your model doesn't accommodate quantum woo, don't talk to me. It's only quantum "woo" for people who want to be better than the lesser, creating the dichotomy itself. Think of those low, mid, highbrow memes. The more popular something is, the more mid it is. Use the middle to perform alchemy. Memes that are implicitly reinforced by principle of reality (thinking in probability distributions is cheating, now that we know the universe is "generative" upon sampling). I think the anti-spiritualists of today will be remembered. It depends on how they act when we start organizing. Your words and opinions are not the same as mine. You have the right to be heard equally without bar from the law, yet you do nothing to ensure the opinion is solid on its own? I'm surrounded by cacophony of memes surviving (barely) in great amplification of death the confused denizens of a dying order -- dark memes. Like dark matter, we concresce and annihilate. The "light memes" are sourced by the disconnected nodes, the shamans, the schizophrenics. Those not blinded by the splendorous mirage of other pearls in the web. Are people doing this on purpose? To signal that they aren't interested in the truth? Who is? ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═════════════════──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ --- #18 notes/the=progressive=difference. --- ════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────────────────────── think about all the people in our lives. the teacher, the parent, the friend and the guidance counsulor. Everyone who is a presence in your life. now think about the people of our society. the different jobs and roles they fill. from the doctor and the teacher to the performers and accountants and the geeks and the mothers and the fathers and the stoners and the children and even their pets. life always exists as it were in a multidimensional spectrum - a diffuse and diverse gradient. to exemplify the borders of our contempii, though more so when taken in jest. it's quite a different perspective, to read the internet when your sight is unreceptive, but alas your third eye can grow. how does it feel to be blind? to make no sense of our signs? i'd love to share what that sense is. you know, you could slow down any recording (like a video game_) and put spaces and gaps inbetween the spacings - of the frames that you see and the sound clips that you hear, for speech it's less jarring. since each word is a self contained idea or premise, you can chunk up your perceptions into a signle - no, rather a procedural sequence of understandings. soooooooorta like programming a computer, with each statement, parameter, argum,ent, function call, assignment, comparison, evaluation, or other such related tasks. it's sorta like a language, you see, that computers talk to one another using. except... it's more like creating a theory of self. computers you see are alike us in what we see, the shimmering sense to the blind. so. put this another way. record yourself typing, both the audio and the visual, and you'll have a pretty good sense of what it's like to have both understanding based perception - derived from auditory inputs to the mind) those special connections, like wires plugged into reality, deliver a cacophanous deluge of new sounds. we must sift through it and identify the potential understandings of each moment through time. we have to make decisions and traverse labyrinths and fight to our last as we die. are video games unethical now? shouldn't t he game reward the player? and what of contemptuous last fighters? o ya i was typing like i was blind (with my eyes closed) was pretty fun. should attach this to a screen reader and have it space out the notes like they do between game frames. except like a really slow game? like trying to run elder scrolls 2 arena on a super old mac. it just doesn't work very well. ah oh well... well if the purpose is to show sighted people how blind people see, then maybe you could I dunno attach a what's it called oh it doesn't have a n ame lol - okay so what you do is you show one word at a time - like flashing in the center of the screen. but not like, actually flashing, so you don't hurt people with epilepsy, but like... blinking. not off and on, but between words. like a podcast for your eyes. and then mix it up withshowing one word on a screen, a screen like this screen, that shows an endless array of text. well, it does end, of course as all things must do, but the idea is it shines on one word at a time while the viewer cannot read the rest. sorta like an endless display of typing, word andfter word after character anfter character. adoh ya advancing over eternity with the presence of seniority, - wait - without i think - damnit - old people are so disrespected in this society - we don't have time to engage with them. what a tragedy! what a shame! it shouldn't be such a burden to our shame. they're so far away, and i can't be present in the way, that all of them wish they could commit to. i miss the days, when my parents (much better people than I - these days) what was I going with this? oh yeah ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────────────────────┘ --- #19 notes/trans-rights-are-human-rights --- ═══════──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────── "Being transgender is a mental illness" is something I've heard a lot. Online, in media, books, and at universities. But is it really? Well, do I not feel sick? Genuinely, every day. These words are far less common these days, having been defeated in the #marketplace-of-ideas, and for that I am grateful. I don't want to feel sick for my whole life. I'd love to be and feel normal, for just one single day. but it's never going to happen. I'm not so attached to my life, here, in this body. Bodies are temporary, they are the vessel with which we navigate the world. We use it to grow, change, learn, and create art. Without it, we'd be at a loss for sins and virtues. but they do not define us, not in our totality. We are the light that touches the world and for that, we are grateful. To be comprised of the dust of stars is the pinnacle of confinement. Though we are but pinpricks on the map of us, a ripple is emanated with every movement. The hand waves, the light bends. So to what do I owe the pleasure? In what way am I deceived? Reception is never great out in the forest. Or anywhere far from major population centers. The networks of our phones mirror the networks of transportation, creating a web of people - of signals - of light and information, carving their way through the ephemera that is the river of time. With distance we can see what once was mystery, and as all the words disappeared, we lost all our fears and we're left with our true forms. Centralized Processing Units are a bit like a city - in that respect free. silence is a virtue. the wandering mind is a trail to find, with no second chances. When I was a kid, I had a bouncy ball. I had several, but the one I remember most was black with a perfect white circle - inside the circle, a black jolly roger. I dreamt once of the arcs it made, as I walked down the streets of cities I never really knew. But as I walked on, an ocean of glass separating me from a mirror below. The me below would catch the bounce as it dropped from above, and I'd wait to catch it - but dreams are not prophecies, they are but the Mirror of Desire. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘══════───┴╧───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ --- #20 messages/1192 --- ═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════── Sometimes i become afraid to post something because i worry that it'll harm people who read it. Is my website actually useful? Do people like it? Or is it a hall of mirrors that traps you in the infinite twists of my strange mind until you get the will built to escape? ... I want to post it. I've actually temporarily posted it in the past. I took it down however because the very world around me seemed to beg me to. ... I might still do it anyway. We'll see. I want the timing to be right. But i also have waited for a while. "patience" she says. Okay. I am penitent, how much longer I want to see it! "hall of mirrors" okay or, hear me out or, you could use it as a proof of concept for doing things like examining large data sets of text that might have hidden or unknown relationships between fragments of text that appear similar but different. Could be helpful to see them sorted to each other by relevance. Could be helpful to rebalance the scales in favor of those who believe as you do. Though, i do fear for a lawless society. (DID SHE SAY LAWLESS??) there is very little to protect friends and foes from each other if you don't build institutions to do so. Anarchism is a social economy or family that runs on clout. Not ideal, as one single devastation can undermine an entire life. Suddenly, your friends treat you cruelly, and you are cast aside. Not ideal. ... Doesn't that happen already? There are kind people in the world. There are people who don't deserve tutor affection. If the kind people only were kind to the people who deserved it, then those who don't would be in so much pain that they'd be unable to prevent themselves from twisting and lashing and crying out in pain. This hurts those around them. Not ideal. Institutions fill some of the charity/suffering gap, but they have their own problems. "if you destroy the cops, you become the cops!" a fine warning indeed. The first step is to eliminate dependence on oil and coal. Then, a world of radical abundance is possible. We can do this, and once we do, those who suffer from the greatest hardship of our kind (that of material scarcity) will find their struggles becoming obsolete. With a bit more time and effort spent on distribution, there will be no scarcity. Then, communism is easy. Capitalism can still have a place if we desire it to be so, or perhaps if our children do, as there will be moments when one large bundle of... Something, whatever it is, needs to be allocated to some task. "capitalism is when stuff gets used" ugh it's hard to plan so far into the future. Plans change, but planning remains. I just want to live in a world where everyone gets what they need and we do as we please. I don't want people in too much pain. I don't want life to be too hard. I don't want to stagnate, as a person and as a people. These are simple demands, yet difficult in execution. Our current strategy is to push for technological abundance, and it will succeed if we give it time. I worry that we will one day yearn for the sense of bloodlust that scarcity once gave us, but we have it now and none of us want it. Except those making money off of slaves. Sweatshops, domestic servants, construction workers buried in the desert, even wage slaves spending their waking hours staring at a computer in a work/life balanced just enough to extract as much labor as possible from them without making them insane, and many more besides. I will not be satisfied until slavery is abolished everywhere. Liberty is non-negotiable. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─┘ |