=== ANCHOR POEM === ════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────────── ┌────────────────────────────────────┐ │ CW: death-mentioned-nuts-mentioned │ └────────────────────────────────────┘ I'm a bit of a narcissist because I had a lot of... alone time as a kid, and I was a bit starved for attention. but I'm also afraid of rejection so if you have anything to say I'll listen for hours and try to be what you need me to be and give what you need me to give so that you don't leave me. Also, nobody has ever hurt me. And so I trust wholely and completely and absolutely. I get logically why that's not a good move but frankly I'd rather die than be cooperative. ah nuts better add a content warning. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────────┘ === SIMILARITY RANKED === --- #1 fediverse/1280 --- ╔═══════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────────┐ ║ I'm like the opposite of a politician. I'm crude and filthy, apsolutely │ ║ reprehensible on main, kinda scary tbh? and overall just a strange and weird │ ║ person. Also I talk about cooking a lot, with a very plain diet (carrots and │ ║ rice and sticks and mud, because I'm an autistic) │ ║ │ ║ but ask anyone who knows me and I'm the kindest person. I am empathetic, I │ ║ think about others needs before thinking of my own. I am steadfast and │ ║ dedicated to solving the problem in front of our noses. At least, the ones we │ ║ share. │ ║ │ ║ People tell me I'm binary, that I'm "either 100% or zero percent" and I don't │ ║ really get that either. Isn't it a good thing to try your hardest? Isn't it │ ║ good to be improving and honest and ethical and driven and focused? │ ║ │ ║ I also talk about strange things a lot, like gravity and multidimensional │ ║ arrays and grand narratives and emotional kinesthesia or strategic plays in │ ║ Overwatch or how to bake a good cookie or ways we still mourn us. │ ║ │ ║ ... where was I going with this? Also part of me is distracted. Just who th │ ╟─────────┐ ┌───────────┤ ║ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╚═════════╧════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────┴──────────┘ --- #2 fediverse/1157 --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────────── ┌──────────────────────┐ │ CW: personal-woe │ └──────────────────────┘ oh no, apparently I'm gonna be forced to drop out of university again in 9 days unless I do half a course and a final exam before then. Tell me again why I spent the last 6 months doing nothing? Oh yeah the mental illness, that's it. Yeesh you're such a drama queen, just do your work and you'll be good. what's that? intrusive thoughts time? Don't you mean "nap until they go away" time? oh yeah that's probably at least part of the problem with the whole "dropping out" thing. If only I didn't have the same reaction to "doing things I don't want to do" that most people have to "touching hot stoves", that'd be nice. my mother's voice ripples across space and time "you're such a smart boy, if you just apply yourself you can do anything! You can do anything you put your mind to. I believe in you and I love you." thanks mom brrrrr it's so cold here. wish I could afford to run the heater. - actually no I don't because it's not solar powered and I refuse to use fossil fuels if I have blankets >.> ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────────┘ --- #3 fediverse/4562 --- ═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────── I like being alone. But if I'm alone for too long, I suffocate. I start acting like a weird nerd who doesn't know what to do with their hands. If I spend too much time with people, I get exhausted and I can't think straight. I start using other people's mannerisms instead of my own. I'm not an introvert, or an extrovert, I think the dichotomy is stupid and people have completely separate needs that deplete and recharge at their own rates. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧══════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────┘ --- #4 messages/1336 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─ Somehow, it feels like nobody is all that interested in me. Like nobody wants me, that they want me to disappear and stay hidden. This is of course just dark whispers trying to be purified by me. Surely, surely that must be so. Maybe I'm depressed. This happens sometimes. Maybe I'm feeling threatened. This happens sometimes, especially when things are uncertain. Is this the day when my food will be poisoned? Is tomorrow when i get kicked out of homeschool? Maybe I forgot something important yesterday but I can't recall whether I'm at liberty to recall. Maybe I'm feeling lonely. I am feeling lonely. Yep that's probably it. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════┘ --- #5 fediverse/1295 --- ════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────────── ┌──────────────────────┐ │ CW: re: Mh- │ └──────────────────────┘ @user-889 my boyfriend gets like, 2 social spoons to spend per day. He usually uses them on work because meetings and such. On the other hand, I'm excitable and passionate. I'm constantly driven to share things I find or think about. If you go on a walk with me without my mask I'll spend the whole time showing you pretty pieces of moss and stones. I usually message him once or twice per day. If the first one isn't responded then maybe he just wasn't interested in the thing I showed him - the second time he's probably burnt out. It fucking hurts. but I'm fine, clearly I'm fine, anyone who looks at me knows I'm fine ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────────┘ --- #6 fediverse/1317 --- ╔═══════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────────┐ ║ ... if I don't do this deadline by tomorrow they'll kick me out of school. │ ║ again. │ ║ │ ║ how am I going to be a programmer without a degree? feels useless to be me. │ ║ wish I could code my own horoscope >.> │ ║ │ ║ o wait dummy that's called "motivation" and "the ability to follow through on │ ║ your ideas and planned machinations" - yeah can I get some of that, if you │ ║ please? surely just a taste of discipline, through laboring to alter │ ║ conditions, surely a bit would suffice. │ ║ │ ║ c'mon don't fail me now. I can do this. I know I can. I know because I've been │ ║ told that I can, now and again through time and time yet again, always I seem │ ║ to [stack overflow] │ ║ │ ║ what's time if not the present amiright │ ║ │ ║ ... │ ║ │ ║ anyway... │ ║ │ ║ it's just git, how hard could it be? it's just calculus, it's just java, it's │ ║ just... well, it's not any of those things, not really. it's memorization, │ ║ it's application of tools that you've been shown (not that you've grown). It's │ ║ a lack of responsibility, where is my honor? ah but I digress, I'm a carpenter │ ║ at heart I guess │ ╟─────────┐ ┌───────────┤ ║ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╚═════════╧════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────┴──────────┘ --- #7 fediverse/1082 --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────────── ┌─────────────────────────────────────┐ │ CW: mental-health-cursing-mentioned │ └─────────────────────────────────────┘ damn, I'm a pretty cool person. I wish I could hang out with me. Like, for all my flaws (what even are they ? ? ?) I'm still pretty awesome. I'm proud of me! Thank you parents, for raising me as such! Thank you past me, for making the decisions that you did! Also, fuck you past self, for making those OTHER decisions. You know the ones I'm talking about. No, that's not an excuse, it's all your fault and you're awful and everything about you sucks. Wait, hang on, wasn't I feeling happy to be here? Wasn't I just excited to live in the moment? Wasn't I just thinking about how: "all you have are good things, nothing here is bad" ? ? ? well, I still love you, even if you're a little "all over the place". [rereads post] hell yeah you ARE a cool person, yes you are, such a good cool person, yes yes yes, what a good girl you are oh my goodness :D :D :D ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────────┘ --- #8 fediverse/4088 --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────── I'm such a fucking extrovert. I can't stop talking to nobody on the internet because I don't have anyone else to talk to. Well, I do, but I like to talk to you. To nobody. To the space between computers. ... [and everyone else beyonds, like the CIA or whatever, but TBH I don't really factor them into my social calculations because they never really talk back.] I like it because I can write whatever I'd like without the confines of another person's generated conversation. Instead of 50% one person's LLM output and 50% another, it's 100% mine [if this were an LLM, which it's not, haha] and that somehow feels more... freeing like a truly disconnected thought and that's what's so special about it... this act of solitudinous contemplatial... the fact that it's unique amongst it's counterparts. ... though it can also become untethered, which is why it's important to edit. [proceeds to never edit a single post] = so = ugh it's so hard to think when all I can think of is feelings. Why can't they be done ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────┘ --- #9 notes/hey-hope-you-know-me-if-not-Ill-be-perturbed --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────── hi, so... yeah I'm a strange person it's tough to get to know me and this probably feels cringe to read but I once heard you should kill the part of you that cringes so... here's me I'm ================================================== stack overflow ============== ... where was I? oh yes and THAT's when the nail went through the roof, and it scared the heck out of... wait, what was I talking about? OH yes so anyway I was born in the cool summer of 1864 - there was a rustling breeze that held a steady note for the entire evening, and into this world I arose. [awoke?] my mother held me but for a moment before I was whisked away to be cleaned and cared for. this was unusual for the time, as most mothers clutched their children to their breasts. But alas, I alone was spared her touch, and so I was cast (as if in bronze) as my own volition. as I had grown, I heard tales of distant times, and assumed they were places you could go. Then, when my time came to wander, I found nought of what I had grown most fonder - though I did find plenty else, besides. Instead, times are places we travel through, as a cripple might ride on a cart. across the sea, through lands of mystery, viewable only from the road. In 1864 that's how other lands you'd come to know. As I travelled from place to place, it felt as if a stage had been cast, with a single actor or three illuminated as a spotlight. "Here, pay attention to me, I'm here for the story and the plot!" though often I'd glance around, and hear mostly my own thoughts, I grew to learn to appear. different themes, different tales, if you want to see a most marvelous scene, take a baby to Disney World and only pay attention to what they're looking at. My grandfather worked there, so in my first year or so I spend a LOT of time there. My parents were very dedicated to raising me, I appreciate every moment of it. Which... Is probably not a good thing to say on a transfemme server, oops I should delete that part [esc->k->k->k->0->v->shift(held)->G->$->"->*] also I should mention I'm stoned as fuck this is just what I do ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────┘ --- #10 fediverse/1659 --- ╔═══════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────┐ ║ ┌───────────────────────────┐ │ ║ │ CW: re: what, mh shitpost │ │ ║ └───────────────────────────┘ │ ║ │ ║ │ ║ @user-1052 │ ║ │ ║ you're right, hubris has claimed many a paladin before-me. I can only hope I │ ║ remain humble enough to survive. │ ║ │ ║ you're right about projecting, but the most beautiful takes are ones that │ ║ align with the experience of the viewed. Hence why method acting works so well │ ║ - just put yourself in the shoes of the character and acting's easy right? │ ║ │ ║ I dunno, I just always felt like it was important to always be trying your │ ║ best. Even if "your best" is relaxing. People say I'm "100% or 0% at all │ ║ times" and I totally agree - it's like you said, a calling, to be the best │ ║ version of me I can be. │ ║ │ ║ Though I would like to add that the missteps aren't wilful, rather they're │ ║ failures caused by imperfect information. Which is why I'm never too harmed │ ║ when other people fail me - ah well, it was their turn to screw up, thats │ ║ alright. It'll be me next time. │ ║ │ ║ But also, if I do something wrong, well, I'll do better next time. It's only │ ║ when I fail to apply what I've learned mistakenly do I shame myself. │ ╟─────────┐ ┌───────────┤ ║ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╚═════════╧════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────┴──────────┘ --- #11 messages/650 --- ════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────── I've had multiple people close to me who don't read my writing tell me that "you can't overthrow capitalism with poetry" and... Yeah maybe they're right. I have zero reason to believe that anything I've \*ever\* written has \*ever\* had an actionable impact upon the struggle. I have no reason to believe that people are more radicalized, motivated, or otherwise inspired. I have several reasons to believe that all of this was just an exercise in my own narcissism and delusion. So I'm deleting my Mastodon account, and moving forward I probably won't update my website very much. Everything I do will be localized, regional, and hopefully more useful. It feels like I'm abandoning the idea of a nation in exchange for a tangible village. I'm fucking depressed about it. \*I like nations\*. But I like people more. So if you'd rather I keep my thoughts to myself and instead feed the homeless, aka a bunch of people who aren't gonna take up arms against our foes and instead will consume our time and resources while we practice organizing on them, then yeah sure fine whatever. I'll do it. If you'd rather I keep posting \*content\*, ugh, fucking too bad, should have done something about it while I was active. If I'm ever rich I'll hire an editor to turn whatever the fuck I've been making into a book that I'll give away for free. I probably will never be rich though, and instead will burn every bridge I can get my hands on and suffocate on the soot. Alright. Bye forever. Don't think about me again. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────┘ --- #12 messages/1068 --- ═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════────── why would they psyop me? there's a psyop about me! heck, I've never done so as I pleased. that's an aspiration. everything I do is at a command, whether it's my own or external. these days I find myself following my own. mostly. though I am always waiting for collaboration opportunities. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────┘ --- #13 messages/1028 --- ════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────── Struggling. Sincerely want to kill myself. I have caused irreparable harm too many times. Many times. I don't care if people want me, i don't want me. I'm too easy. I trust when i shouldnt and i don't when i should. I hope they kill me at the location. Every single time my will is my own i fail. When i am guided i am superb but when i am myself i am painting disaster on a great piece of art. Please fight against the subway and pizza hut future. Make something bright and bold instead. I'm going to self harm by not eating until i don't feel this way. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────┘ --- #14 fediverse/814 --- ╔══════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────────────┐ ║ ah that's weird, I don't usually cry. I wonder what's going on. I should │ ║ probably put myself on psychiatric drugs. Surely it's an expression of the │ ║ implementation of my impending doom. │ ║ │ ║ ... what are you even saying bro │ ║ │ ║ ... um, hang on feels like some of the circuitry is off. is something wrong in │ ║ my brain? yeah that's surely it, surely nothing I say would resoinate with │ ║ anyone that has a non-malfunctioning brain. Surely I don't speak of logical │ ║ failures in the hard founded truths of our asset [society I think? like, our │ ║ conditions, our institutions, our {gosh that just... does not translate}] um │ ║ right what was I saying │ ║ │ ║ oh yeah there's this game I'm really into called Knave, it's like D&D │ ║ except the rules are very fewer. Like there's onyl 11 pages in the rulebook │ ║ and it's mostly taken up by random roll tables. Like, everything boings down │ ║ to a few simple rules, like rock paper scissors, or go-fish, or something like │ ║ that with just afew mechanids. something timeless and pure, something that is │ ║ isolated and en │ ╟─────────┐ ┌───────────┤ ║ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╚═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────┴──────────┘ --- #15 messages/1352 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─ My girlfriend buys me diapers and food. She has occasionally given me small gifts, but nothing more than what i would give to her. I'm not some silver spoon prince. I'm barely getting by. I feel suffocated at home and drowning when I'm out and about. Sometimes I don't know whether staying alone or going out is more strain, so usually I just fall asleep to the tune of my swirling black thoughts. Save me! Surrender me! Give me all that you own! I do not waste things. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════┘ --- #16 messages/1427 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─ the people around me are my understudies. I guess. unbeknownst to me. somehow that makes me feel more vulnerable? like gee there's people who want to kill me, great. scary. and they all hate me, but lust for what I might let them become. All they have to do is master me, and then they can kill and replace me. great. I think I'll continue to scream, thank you very much. PLEASE PLEASE GOD OH GOD HELP ME PLEASE yeah yeah, heard it all before. what's up this time my child? uhhuh, have you tried turning it off and on again? ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════┘ --- #17 fediverse/1714 --- ╔════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────┐ ║ @user-246 │ ║ │ ║ most artists get around that by posting everything they make everywhere they │ ║ go. │ ║ │ ║ I tend to be a bit selective, because I'm different things to different │ ║ people. All things I care for and own, but designed for different context. │ ║ │ ║ for example, I rarely share what's in my journals, but that's about half of │ ║ what I've made. I show them to basically everyone I know IRL, but very few │ ║ people actually understand or are into them. When I find someone who does it │ ║ fills me with hope, that perhaps I'm not as lost as I had thought. │ ║ │ ║ perhaps it makes me less trustworthy, but I'm not used to being exposed. I │ ║ never used Twitter, I don't use Facebook (not that often) so my "self" was │ ║ something I preferred to perform as on a stage of my own design. │ ║ │ ║ Like wearing different clothes to express yourself, or performing gender in a │ ║ certain way, I am myself when I am most expressful. And I do that in different │ ║ ways in different contexts. I'd love to show more, because I'm a performer at │ ║ heart, and a performer of the heart. │ ╟─────────┐ ┌───────────┤ ║ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╚═════════╧═════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────┴──────────┘ --- #18 fediverse_boost/5734 --- ◀─╔══════════════════════════════[BOOST]═══════════════════════════════──────────╗ ║ ┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ ║ ║ │ @user-1865 She didn't deserve a lot of cruelty she received. │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ She was a wonderful person, who just couldn't stop talking, never sat still, yelled sometimes and was scared of everything but tried anyway. │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ Needed several medications just to sleep or she'd go crazy. │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ I am exactly like her, I just found out what was really going on with my body and brain. │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ She never got that chance, and things got awful after this. │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ I feel like that was when her soul died, and I've missed her since. │ ║ ║ └────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ ║ ╠─────────┐ ┌───────────╣ ║ similar │ chronological │ different ║ ╚═════════╧══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════──┴───────╝─▶ --- #19 messages/1469 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─ I'm not JUST a child. I'm also an adult, and I'm also a witch and a judge and a scholar and a wizard and a [well more of an arcanist actually] excuse me do you mind yeah sure sure - and a... where was I? see this is why I don't like distractions! okay it's alright just stay on track-course-target - right and also a technician and a botanist and a logistician and a neuronomist and a mesocyclocodone (I don't know what that means - I think they're referring to when I journeyed to hel? most people never heard the whole story. In fact, I never told it from start to finish. Does that mean I'm still there?) no silly it means you are eternally ~~ consistently dreaming unawares. yep, I refuse to lucid dream because I don't want to lose the capability to hear messages in my dreams. Lucid? there's nothing to be seen. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════┘ --- #20 fediverse/3444 --- ════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────── ┌─────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ CW: politics-mentioned-police-mentioned │ └─────────────────────────────────────────┘ I'm too empathetic to watch them lose this badly. when I watch movies with cringe humor I have to leave the room whenever something bad happens to the characters. I get the same feeling when I read about politics these days. side note, but has anyone else gotten emails about "hiring plain-clothes police officers in Washington D.C, will offer relocation assistance and pay minimum 72k per year"? can't help but wonder if they're afraid of a bunch of sore losers storming the capital with guns. it's not like there's a precedent for that or anything. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────┘ |