=== ANCHOR POEM === ═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────── ┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ CW: negative-mental-health-mentioned-police-mentioned-cursing-mentioned │ └─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ I think the reason I feel so lonely is because I don't feel wanted. people tend to like me, but that just means I'm acceptable to their social standards. I don't think I improve rooms that I enter. I think I make them worse. or maybe I'm just upset because capitalism. When I run out of savings in a few months, I'm going to kill myself, unless something changes, which I'm sure it will. Gonna try and say yes to things - suddenly receives a text message recruiting for uniformed police officers at the department of homeland security wait shit I take it back ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────┘ === SIMILARITY RANKED === --- #1 messages/1336 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─ Somehow, it feels like nobody is all that interested in me. Like nobody wants me, that they want me to disappear and stay hidden. This is of course just dark whispers trying to be purified by me. Surely, surely that must be so. Maybe I'm depressed. This happens sometimes. Maybe I'm feeling threatened. This happens sometimes, especially when things are uncertain. Is this the day when my food will be poisoned? Is tomorrow when i get kicked out of homeschool? Maybe I forgot something important yesterday but I can't recall whether I'm at liberty to recall. Maybe I'm feeling lonely. I am feeling lonely. Yep that's probably it. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════┘ --- #2 fediverse/1381 --- ════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────────── ┌────────────────────────────────────┐ │ CW: death-mentioned-nuts-mentioned │ └────────────────────────────────────┘ I'm a bit of a narcissist because I had a lot of... alone time as a kid, and I was a bit starved for attention. but I'm also afraid of rejection so if you have anything to say I'll listen for hours and try to be what you need me to be and give what you need me to give so that you don't leave me. Also, nobody has ever hurt me. And so I trust wholely and completely and absolutely. I get logically why that's not a good move but frankly I'd rather die than be cooperative. ah nuts better add a content warning. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────────┘ --- #3 fediverse/814 --- ╔══════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────────────┐ ║ ah that's weird, I don't usually cry. I wonder what's going on. I should │ ║ probably put myself on psychiatric drugs. Surely it's an expression of the │ ║ implementation of my impending doom. │ ║ │ ║ ... what are you even saying bro │ ║ │ ║ ... um, hang on feels like some of the circuitry is off. is something wrong in │ ║ my brain? yeah that's surely it, surely nothing I say would resoinate with │ ║ anyone that has a non-malfunctioning brain. Surely I don't speak of logical │ ║ failures in the hard founded truths of our asset [society I think? like, our │ ║ conditions, our institutions, our {gosh that just... does not translate}] um │ ║ right what was I saying │ ║ │ ║ oh yeah there's this game I'm really into called Knave, it's like D&D │ ║ except the rules are very fewer. Like there's onyl 11 pages in the rulebook │ ║ and it's mostly taken up by random roll tables. Like, everything boings down │ ║ to a few simple rules, like rock paper scissors, or go-fish, or something like │ ║ that with just afew mechanids. something timeless and pure, something that is │ ║ isolated and en │ ╟─────────┐ ┌───────────┤ ║ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╚═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────┴──────────┘ --- #4 fediverse/795 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────────── ┌──────────────────────┐ │ CW: re: mh- │ └──────────────────────┘ @user-8 I get that. I don't cry anymore except in my imagination. Sometimes it helps to imagine myself doing it though, like some kind of mental catharsis. the body gets left out but at least the mind is soothed. I usually am most upset when I'm lonely. Maybe you could find someone to hold you close? I hope you feel better sooner rather than later. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────────────┘ --- #5 fediverse/5452 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────── ┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ CW: all-cops-are-bastards-mentioned-personal-ramblings-and-complainings-mentioned │ └──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ I never rest. Not mentally. I find it sooooo much harder to get moving again once I'm asleep. But I've been sleeping lately, because it's "good for me" or whatever. Because I'm "burnt out and need to heal" or something. Damnit why is it so much harder to stop snuggling someone than it is to pack up a tent? I'm like the guy in Hot Fuzz, that one really good movie about cops. oops cops mentioned one second. I'm always moving, but, I hardly ever seem to be able to get anything done. Why is that? Is the work just... endless? Am I ever a slave to my surroundings? Or am I just cursed with a mortal form, a form destined to toil in whatever way it finds itself contextualized in? Maybe I should just stop complaining. Maybe work is it's own reward or whatever. I don't think I'm depressed anymore, although good luck getting me to feel any emotions except focus, and the call to intercede on another's behalf. I don't have time for this. >. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────┘ --- #6 fediverse/4099 --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────── ┌──────────────────────────────────────┐ │ CW: cursing-mentioned-jobs-mentioned │ └──────────────────────────────────────┘ I don't think anyone should work at a job they hate, no matter what. They will perform worse. They will harm themselves. They will shackle their dreams to a false promise of persistence begot rewards. They will spiral into depression, despair, depravity, and addiction. If you hate your job, fucking QUIT. If you hate every job, fucking RIOT. If nobody will hire you, SELL DRUGS. [I'm not actually advocating breaking the law, please don't arrest me] or like, move to the country and become a farm-hand for a retiring salmon farmer who can't quite reach into the trees to pick the salmon fruit or dump the bucket of vegetable scraps into the black soldier fly larva pit anymore. That's always rewarding. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────┘ --- #7 fediverse/4737 --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────── I'm such a direct person I think, even though I often just sorta... shrug and ignore things that bother or hurt me? Like, whatevs. but the moment I notice a pattern that is continually harmful I have to restrain myself from moving to contest it. Hence why I talk about capitalism so much teehee, but its also common in my interpersonal and communal lives. "the purpose of the system is it's effects" the purpose of a person is how they make people feel so if someone FOR A RANDOM EXAMPLE FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER, constantly hurts other people by creating situations where they are harmed which creates a dramatic fight... or if someone speaks in circles for hours and hours and HOURS like this guy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwKpj2ISQAc or people who jump into a conversation and drive it through the underbrush, over the ridge, around the bend, up and over the bridge, and then park it outside their ex girlfriend's house and hands you an egg and says "don't you wanna throw this?" and you're like "weren't we talking about birds" ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────┘ --- #8 messages/312 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────── Okay. Consider: if I'm good, and hearing what I say makes you feel bad, then what does that tell you about you? Why else would you hear what I say if not to reflect upon yourself? And why would the good reflect away from the types of things that make you a suitable fit for capitalism? ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────────┘ --- #9 fediverse/4551 --- ═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────── ┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ CW: mental-health-mentioned-in-relation-to-resisting-capitalism │ └─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ oh no I'm feeling, uh... "depressed" or "manic depressed" or something else, you pick this time, better go hide and work on organizational technology which utilizes Risc-V hardware, fediverse software, LLM based anonymization, and SoCs with multiple ethernet ports, oh nooooo how boring and depressing, if only someone or several people who were bored and feeling like resisting capitalism wanted to help out, all they'd have to do is get in touch with me anyway bye ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧══════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────┘ --- #10 fediverse/4544 --- ════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────── ┌───────────────────────┐ │ CW: cursing-mentioned │ └───────────────────────┘ I can't cancel my internet because I use it to work, which almost pays enough to cover rent, and nothing else. It's hard to avoid spiraling when you run out of money. Every time this happens to me I start feeling things like... am I good for society? Society doesn't want me, clearly, because I don't have any money. And currency is how you measure demand, right? It's literally a measure of value. But then I think of all the homeless and poor people and, like... I value them, so what if they don't have dollars? It's literally just paper. Or bits in a mainframe that nobody knows how to program anymore. So if they're valuable at least to me, yet me, with my 67$ in the bank and 127$ internet fee, is not valuable to me... Then what's the discrepancy? I'm not trying to be hard on myself, it's not my fault that I bleed money, but I still feel terrible. It's like a common cultural persuasion, if you run outta cash you better kill yourself fast. Fuck that. Oops cursing mentioned, one s ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────┘ --- #11 fediverse/3286 --- ═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────── ┌───────────────────────┐ │ CW: suicide-mentioned │ └───────────────────────┘ I hate how people think I'm mentally unhealthy. I'm fine. I love myself. [except all those times when you feel randomly suicidal for no reason at all. Are you being like... hit with microwaves or something???] ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────┘ --- #12 fediverse/2104 --- ═════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────── @user-192 oooooo yeah I usually try and reply to my old post with any new information. I never get the chance to think the same thoughts twice because when I was younger I had problems with thought-loops where I'd think something like "darn I could have handled that social situation better" and before you know it I'd be rocking myself to sleep trying to stop thinking negative thoughts about myself. So I broke my brain a little and now I can't think the same thing more than once, which is part of why it's so hard for me to finish projects. Alas. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧══════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────┘ --- #13 fediverse/4148 --- ╔══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────┐ ║ ┌────────────────────────────────┐ │ ║ │ CW: death-mentioned-abstractly │ │ ║ └────────────────────────────────┘ │ ║ │ ║ │ ║ I wish I knew someone who wanted to kill me. I bet I could present a pretty │ ║ decent bullet pointed list of reasons why I actually deserve to live, thank │ ║ you very much, alongside a couple hastily scribbled notes about why it │ ║ wouldn't be a good idea for them in particular to kill me, and all my contact │ ║ details and address so they can get in touch and we can hash out the deets for │ ║ my indefinitely suspended execution (suspended for an indeterminate amount of │ ║ time, but not cancelled of course that would be overstepping their boundaries) │ ║ alongside a link to my google calendar (I don't have a google calendar) so │ ║ they can know exactly when I'm home and when I'm at the store or in a │ ║ different place so they can break in and hide in the closet until I go to │ ║ sleep so that it won't be hard at all, trivial really, to kill me, but see if │ ║ you read the bullet pointed list... oh, you didn't get my email? Ah sorry │ ║ sometimes it gets caught in the spam filter - what's your address again? Huh I │ ║ sent it but │ ╟─────────┐ ┌───────────┤ ║ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╚═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────┴──────────┘ --- #14 fediverse/6018 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────── I feel so sad, like I'm missing something precious to me... I hope someone knows who to take it to. Like the world is just a bit darker and more mundane. ah, well, maybe it's just perception bias. When things leave your timeline (temporarily or permanently) they take their inertial influence with them. It's okay to mourn the loss of a friend, of a relic, or an opportunity. So long as you continue to nurture light, life, and hope wherever you go, the magic will return and continue to flow. If you believe that, then you know what faith is. easy enough... please be worth it ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────┘ --- #15 fediverse/4540 --- ════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────── most people in the world are dumb as a bag of bricks but that's okay, I still love them, and so should you. everyone I hang out with is sharp as a tack and I love them still, for I don't have a preference for blunt objects. some people don't feel emotions I think they're just depressed some people can't stop won't stop, I say. really as long as they follow their heart and sing a tune that is true I think they're alright. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────┘ --- #16 messages/108 --- ═════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────────────── I like when people make fun of me because it gives me a chance to defend myself. Simultaneously I don't like when people are mean to me. I like when people find me endearing, and point out the ways that I'm different. It gives me a chance to say "oh yes this is why I do that" which feels cathartic (because it validates my position) but also because it gives me the opportunity to improve it (through debate) and it helps the people who learned from me because I can improve myself and my only reason for improving myself is if the new thing I'm learning is better than the thing I used to do which means the people who learn from me are improved and the people who best me argumentatively are improving me. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧══════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────────────┘ --- #17 fediverse/2596 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────── ┌───────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ CW: re: politics-fascism-sexual-assault-mentioned │ └───────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ I get it. I don't care to live in a world like this. Consider this a suicide note, though I will not die by my own hand. This I swear. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────┘ --- #18 fediverse_boost/5655 --- ◀─╔═════════════════════════════[BOOST]═══════════════════════════════───────────╗ ║ ┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ ║ ║ │ I'm crying over the fact, that me, or folks around me aren't capable of organizing jailbreaks. │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ And we aren't even trying 😢 │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ I clearly have been taken major wrong steps in my life that I ended where I am now. │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ I am sorry. │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ Yes sure we say abolish prisons, but without attack it will never materialize. │ ║ ║ └────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ ║ ╠─────────┐ ┌───────────╣ ║ similar │ chronological │ different ║ ╚═════════╧═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════───┴───────╝─▶ --- #19 fediverse/4562 --- ═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────── I like being alone. But if I'm alone for too long, I suffocate. I start acting like a weird nerd who doesn't know what to do with their hands. If I spend too much time with people, I get exhausted and I can't think straight. I start using other people's mannerisms instead of my own. I'm not an introvert, or an extrovert, I think the dichotomy is stupid and people have completely separate needs that deplete and recharge at their own rates. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧══════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────┘ --- #20 fediverse/2424 --- ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────── if I don't take this job, then I'm going to be homeless. if I do, then I'll be moving to a different city. a city that I don't know. my upbringing tells me that this isn't a choice at all, but... at least I have a place to keep my stuff. maybe I can find a different job. ┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐ │ similar │ chronological │ different │ ╘═════════╧╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────┘ |