=== ANCHOR POEM ===
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@user-570
Ah, well, that time period for me was after I came out, so I was already past
the fear of being seen.
I could only ever really get the "girl thoughts" to go away with, um,
self-directed sexual attention, so I would often do so. Once every day, no
more than once. But... often for hours at a time. It was a LOT, but I resisted
as best I could, the only way I knew how, until eventually my internals would
overcome.
... anyway "girl thoughts" were just "my thoughts" I was just too much of a
dumbass to tell.
Like, I knew I was trans, but I didn't want that, because it felt like a flaw.
Because that's what I knew, that's what I'd heard, and that's how it felt, to
be denied the consistency of biology and person.
I would never go back. I love who I am, and I think if I had met me I would
have adored who I'd become.
I just... didn't think about the future much, hyper-vigilant much? Yeah.
totally. I get it.
I've never overdone things. At least not to a dangerous degree. It's mostly
just... stuff to me.
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=== SIMILARITY RANKED ===
--- #1 fediverse_boost/1097 ---
◀─╔══════════════════[BOOST]════════════════════─────────────────────────────────╗║┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐║║│ @user-800 Interesting thread. │║║││║║│ I consider myself a "bulb" sort of trans person, and I really appreciate your gentleness in pointing out that not everyone was an egg. │║║││║║│ As a bulb, I continually put forth green shoots, suggestions that I was who I was. I tried many times, and each time I was mown down. Until finally one day I burst through, lasted through the mowing, and managed to blossom. │║║││║║│ I knew from a young age, and tried to tell my parents. When they said not to talk about it, I didn't. But it didn't stop me from expressing it: we could never go to the home of my parents' friends who had daughters, because Every. Single. Time. I would end up in her clothing. Without fail. I was compulsive. │║║││║║│ In the late 60s, early 70s, this was...frowned upon. │║║││║║│ So I got mowed. And again. And again. Until finally I got away from my parents, said "I need to do what I need for me, not for other people", and I transitioned. │║║││║║│ And it cost me everything. My job, my education, my home, my friends, my family. │║║││║║│ Still the best decision I ever made, and I would make it again the same way 100 times out of 100. │║║││║║│ If you're wondering? If you've wondered if you can do it? Told yourself you'd be too ugly, you're too old, you could never pass, all the things we doom ourselves with? │║║││║║│ If you want to be a girl, or a boy, or a nonbinary person, or agender or genderfluid or any of the other billions of ways to be, *you can do it*. │║║││║║│ The only criterion really is: do you wanna? You don't need to be hetero (but you can be!), you don't need dysphoria (but you can have it), you don't need to think you were born in the wrong body (but if you do...). You just need to want to. │║║││║║│ And if you know you're trans for sure, but can't face that first day...it gets easier. In time. It gets easier. │║║││║║│ Good luck, siblings. │║║└────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘║╠─────────┐┌───────────╣║similar│chronological│different║╚═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────┴───────╝─▶
--- #2 fediverse/5330 ---
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│ CW: personal-sexuality-mentioned │
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I used to be aroused at the thought of being a girl. I would read stories and
look at pictures of penises turning into vaginas and men turning into women
and it would fill me with longing, yearning, and despair at my circumstances.
then, I transitioned, got SRS, and now I don't get aroused at the thought of
such things. It's just part of who I am.
I used to be aroused at the thought of wearing diapers. I would read stories
and play games of people being cursed by witches to pee their pants, or people
who were stuck at a movie theater and couldn't make it in time or whatever.
These things would fill me with longing, yearning, and despair.
Plus, I had some medical issues that made me lose track of my... um,
"currently utilized waste storage capacity" inside my body. which put me in
some unfortunate situations right around the time when my sexuality was
developing.
Now, I wear diapers all the time. I don't get aroused at the thought of such
things anymore. It's just me, as I am.
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--- #3 fediverse/1090 ---
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║ @user-800 │
║ │
║ I knew I was trans from a young age. I felt attracted to women's clothes │
║ because I lived in a home with two sisters and a mother - my father was │
║ frequently away on business. │
║ │
║ I guess I liked their clothes more. Or maybe I just wanted to fit in. But I │
║ found myself stealing them and wearing them when I was alone. Then I got │
║ older, and amongst all the other things I realized I wanted to be one of them. │
║ │
║ I knew what trans people were, sorta, but as soon as I moved to the city and │
║ got access to the internet the first thing I ever googled was "I want to be a │
║ girl" - really dating myself here I guess. │
║ │
║ anyway, I miss that part of the internet. Felt more simple and alive. As soon │
║ as their fancy websites made us intolerant of ugly ones, we kinda just... │
║ left? I mean, how much does it cost to host a text-file with all your html? │
║ Some pictures maybe? Who cares it was whatever. │
║ │
║ I miss forums the most, and while I could visit them... it's not the same, │
║ just as the next superbowl will not be the same as the last │
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--- #4 fediverse/1944 ---
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║ ┌─────────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: sexuality-mentioned │ │
║ └─────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ it's not wrong to be turned on by the thought of being the gender youre │
║ transitioning to. Your subconscious mind is yearning for a healthy sexuality, │
║ nothing more. │
║ │
║ and if you aren't, if you're into "other people" like a weirdo, then yeah sure │
║ what I described probably sounds pretty weird. Oh and it's cool if you aren't │
║ sexually attracted to anyone either. Sometimes being ace is a phase because │
║ sex doesn't really fit into your life, and other times it's more something │
║ that defines you. It is the progenitor of all genders and sexualities that │
║ fluctuate, because it's based on the simplest binary of "yes sexual │
║ attraction" or "no sexual attraction" - with some extra variables to tweak │
║ like "sex positive/negative" or "cuddle-starved/cuddle-slut" type of ranges. │
║ │
║ ... anyway sexuality is weird and if yours made sense then so would that guy, │
║ and that person over there, and the person who lives down the street, and the │
║ other who lives in a blimp and jacks off into the sky calling it "bird poop" │
║ │
║ uh │
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--- #5 fediverse/1094 ---
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those who can cause harm in an ethical system are villains. They will always
exist so long as someone is capable of being institutionally harmed.
and no unethical system should exist. It's definition belies it's irrelevance.
results matter, but a system is not unethical if it doesn't deliver.
success begets greater responsibilities, and I've failed all my life. And yet
the most masculine thing I can think of is to take responsibility for
something you can handle. Essentially, doing as much as you are able.
Guess it makes sense why I'm a trans girl. I've forsaken my masculinity
because I've failed to take responsibility. T.T
then a therapist jumps in and says
I don't think it's healthy to think about parts of yourself being bought and
sold in the market of success. You need to think of yourself collectively,
like a body that is under duress. It's okay if you're not working, it's okay
if you're just a little bit broke. It's okay that you're struggling, so long
as you never forget your hope.
then I say
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--- #6 notes/hey-hope-you-know-me-if-not-Ill-be-perturbed ---
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hi, so... yeah I'm a strange person
it's tough to get to know me
and this probably feels cringe to read
but I once heard you should kill the part of you that cringes
so... here's me
I'm
================================================== stack overflow
==============
... where was I? oh yes and THAT's when the nail went through the roof, and it
scared the heck out of... wait, what was I talking about? OH yes so anyway
I was born in the cool summer of 1864 - there was a rustling breeze that held a
steady note for the entire evening, and into this world I arose. [awoke?]
my mother held me but for a moment before I was whisked away to be cleaned and
cared for. this was unusual for the time, as most mothers clutched their
children to their breasts. But alas, I alone was spared her touch, and so I was
cast (as if in bronze) as my own volition.
as I had grown, I heard tales of distant times, and assumed they were places
you
could go. Then, when my time came to wander, I found nought of what I had grown
most fonder - though I did find plenty else, besides.
Instead, times are places we travel through, as a cripple might ride on a cart.
across the sea, through lands of mystery, viewable only from the road. In 1864
that's how other lands you'd come to know.
As I travelled from place to place, it felt as if a stage had been cast, with a
single actor or three illuminated as a spotlight. "Here, pay attention to me,
I'm here for the story and the plot!" though often I'd glance around, and hear
mostly my own thoughts, I grew to learn to appear.
different themes, different tales, if you want to see a most marvelous scene,
take a baby to Disney World and only pay attention to what they're looking at.
My grandfather worked there, so in my first year or so I spend a LOT of time
there. My parents were very dedicated to raising me, I appreciate every moment
of it. Which... Is probably not a good thing to say on a transfemme server,
oops I should delete that part
[esc->k->k->k->0->v->shift(held)->G->$->"->*]
also I should mention I'm stoned as fuck this is just what I do
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--- #7 fediverse/5811 ---
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│ CW: politics-mentioned │
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only some people feel existential [peril/fear] at the concept of a trump
presidency.
I'm trans, I feel it so hard I considered sedition.
it felt like a reasonable reaction. probably just means I've been calibrated
to a certain level of revengeance through my knowledge of history and the arts.
I learned so much about systems, I saw the inextricable truth of the merits of
the design of capitolistic [shared societal conventions, but pronounced
"conventions"]. I also learned of what it means to wield ideology as a weapon
for mass power/cultural gains.
I see now that no matter the merits or faults of any system, power accretes in
the unworthy. They say this is because others they work with just don't want
to deal with them anymore. This isn't always true, in-fact with stronger bonds
the relationship is more secure [also true, but I said it earlier in the
sentence].
jeez, interrupt much?
anyway, as I was saying, [wasting characters]
okIlikewritngmastodonpostsitsagame2aimforzerocharactersrem
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--- #8 fediverse/1399 ---
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║ │ CW: cursing-mentioned-eye-contact │ │
║ └───────────────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ If you're worried about passing, take what you're good at and make it gay. │
║ │
║ Do you wear band t-shirts and black jeans? Great you're an emo girl now, │
║ totally reasonable transitionary state before you end up as a cute anime girl │
║ with spinny uwu dresses or whatever your heart desires │
║ │
║ do you generally stick to jeans and sweatshirts? Okay congrats you're just as │
║ cute, don't feel inadequate just because you like being comfy. Hell yeah │
║ you're cute as fuck, you know you are, I mean just look at that smile! Wow damn │
║ │
║ like, switch the gender, not the vibe. not only will other people be cool with │
║ it but also, like, you won't alter the course of your trajectory. │
║ │
║ unless that's what you want, but TBH if you're both enigmatic AND phlegmatic │
║ [EDIT: but like the opposite of phlegmatic, I always get the definition wrong] │
║ then you can change a lot and people won't rely on you to be a certain way. │
║ │
║ ... you know you can delete things before you post them, right? Ha I've never │
║ even heard of the word. │
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--- #9 notes/i-miss-you ---
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Hey. How've you been? It's rough when you're not around. I'm scared all the
time, and I worry about you. I hope you keep yourself safe. I'd love to spend
time with you too, because each moment is a moment spent alive. Please know
how much I love you - it's my favorite emotion and I give it freely. There are
certain considerations to make whenever applying a direction to your affection,
or anger, mistrust, compassion, humor, sentimentality, melancholy, and fear
toward. You must take into account any long term goals you have, such as
exploitation and
Sometimes I wonder if my dysphoria isn't just an extreme form of self
esteem issues. I mean, what if you just feel really bad about yourself and you
don't know why. That'd be a rough time, right? Like it's seared into your DNA
to be this way, and you have to find a way around it. That's a lot of
responsibility, and all that resting on your shoulders is a lot to bear. But
you manage, and it's admirable. I think you don't believe other's see your
struggle, but they do. And they love you for your tenacity?
- goodness. i don't know what to say. i am worried i lean on others too much,
and i don't want to hurt anyone by being too close. a real or imagined fear,
doesn't matter - it still guides my actions and my methods of interaction.
i see what you're saying, i have to think about it.
What's there to think about?
- well, the idea that emotions are divisible simply because *time* is
divisible. clearly you can only spend 5 hours a day with person X, and 4
with person Y, and so on and so forth. if they all hung out together, then
it's like you need an entire new persona to represent yourself in that
particular crowd. just as you speak to your grandma differently than a
close friend or a person of authority (like a judge) or any other type of
relationship. that's why it's so weird when you see people out of context.
like a teacher at a bar, or a cop at a wedding. each person wears a
different mask in each encapsulated set of social relations, locations,
roles, and circumstances. on and on continuously until
I'd tell you I love you, but then I'd have to kill you.
It was a spy book about a young lady who goes to high school and learns how
to be a secret agent. It was popular in the 2000's for a brief period, but
I've never heard anyone else who read it. Mostly because it was sort of a
guilty pleasure for me, since I was in the closet. It felt like a power fantasy
disguised as a 1st person account of the near term future (since it was written
for people around middle school age) so
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--- #10 fediverse/1381 ---
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│ CW: death-mentioned-nuts-mentioned │
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I'm a bit of a narcissist because I had a lot of... alone time as a kid, and I
was a bit starved for attention.
but I'm also afraid of rejection so if you have anything to say I'll listen
for hours and try to be what you need me to be and give what you need me to
give so that you don't leave me.
Also, nobody has ever hurt me. And so I trust wholely and completely and
absolutely. I get logically why that's not a good move but frankly I'd rather
die than be cooperative. ah nuts better add a content warning.
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--- #11 fediverse/3296 ---
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│ CW: re: medical cartoon of genitals, lewd │
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@user-192
I loved anatomy textbooks because they gave me an abstraction of things that I
could touch and feel
I learned to project my trans-girl [target-of-gender-euphoria] thoughts onto
the mental model I had constructed of how it all worked. It helped me
conceptualize how humans are configured.
I also had bladder issues growing up so I liked to conceptualize that
structure too
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--- #12 fediverse/2172 ---
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@user-570
I mostly spent my time on Reddit, which was much more isolating than IRC. I
think I must have been drawn there because it felt like home - I was
homeschooled on a farm, and Reddit kept me at the distance of an arm.
it's funny, sometimes meeting a trans girl can make things "click". And
sometimes being friends with one helps you work through things that you just
can't tick
[off your list of things to work on]
habits you can kick? idk sometimes rhyming lies, and you have to break rhythm
or pentameter or whatever.
anyway I've always worn pants. I do dresses on special occasions, but dresses
are hard(er) to ride a bike in. Plus, no pockets, and purses are easily
stolen. At least with a pocket you can feel someone slip the exact same model
as your phone into your pocket when you're least expecting.
... hypervigilance strikes again...
I first transitioned in... 2014ish? I think? I don't really remember because I
had so many more interesting things going on.
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--- #13 fediverse/2419 ---
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@shiri
I know. Keep in mind, though, that the propagandic writing-on-the-wall cuts
both ways. There are many more of us, than of them.
your first duty is to stay alive. plus, what you can do, you can do from
anywhere, so long as the internet remains true. alas, has it ever been? but
still it's up to you, what to do. no matter where you are, you'll find friends
who will need your heart, your words, your kindness, and whatever other aid
you may give.
I'm trans and relatively healthy and strong. in my legs at least. so my choice
is a bit different than yours, mine becomes "die now, that others might live
or die later, that others might die before me" and frankly that's not a choice
at all.
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--- #14 fediverse/4661 ---
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│ CW: cursed-scary-ghost-posting-politics-genocide-gestured-at-cursing-mentioned │
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what if we took an archive of all of fedi and fed it to users who are hiding
in bunkers or whatever one day at a time so they could still feel like they're
part of society while
---- so ----
I think I should stop ya right there, if there's bunkers involved then we've
already lost. "but muh transgender artifacts" fuck off, I will not concede. If
society wants me to leave, then they can enjoy their dusty rotten future
without me. See if I care.
---- so ----
hence, the curse. do you punish humans for the sins they commit, or do you
teach them how to be good again? Bah, as if they'd listen. Stupid fucking apes.
they're the best we got
yeah, well, they can fuck off, I'm gonna pout for at least half an eternity.
... Okay it won't be that long but still, gimme some time to wind down.
---- so ----
and no, I refuse to elaborate for all the humans in the audience. This
conversation may or may not have actually occurred. Monologue style
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--- #15 fediverse/534 ---
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│ CW: re: CW-added-nazis-mentioned │
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@user-367 @user-366 @user-246 @user-353
Agreed! That's why I never touch the stuff. Frankly I worry that if I did, it
would "infect" me somehow, because brains are kinda stupid. Or maybe it's the
'tism that makes me repeat the most taboo think I can think of in my brain
whenever it wants to hurt me -.-
Don't read that stuff. I wish I could forget every slur I ever learned,
because my internal monologue just... REALLY enjoys intrusively thought-ing my
internal narrative whenever possible. >.>
It takes real, genuine effort to not be racist or whatever because brains are
stupid, but like... it's kinda necessary to be a good person, so, y'know,
don't think bad thoughts about people you don't know? And if you find yourself
with intrusive thoughts related to that kind of thing, then focus your
attention on vanquishing them, because it's important. It really is. Just do
it. Work on it. Be better. I know you can. [says me to me lol]
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--- #16 fediverse/5056 ---
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║ ┌──────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: politi │ │
║ └──────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ republicans break things until you fight back, democrats keep people working │
║ to keep the line steady on the graph. │
║ │
║ one is an agitating force, the other is calming. │
║ │
║ I don't like the direction the line is going, so I'm pretty much "anti-line" │
║ in general │
║ │
║ kinda want it all to disappear │
║ │
║ like... what's the point, what's the purpose, of suffering and heartship and │
║ worrel? │
║ │
║ I think we could have no borders, and think less of the line in general. │
║ │
║ I'm more concerned with my time. I have too much to do to spend 8 hours of it │
║ so many times making the human computer calculgoable │
║ │
║ [unrelated, but humans are unsure about gender transition hormones because in │
║ addition to all the trans people who take these body and mind altering tools, │
║ also there are people who want to excape suspicion and also people who are │
║ genuinely incapable of their decisions (for one reason or another) and who am │
║ I to tell them no] │
║ │
║ unrelated, but I think society, the human computer, is cool. [see picture for │
║ the rest - ran outta characters] │
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--- #17 fediverse/5512 ---
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I never give up
I'm just waiting my turn
"laughs nervously"
so, uh, why dontchya'll go first yeah I've already gone first and I'll do it
again but it'd be cool if I had people going first with me sometime
"girl all you do is walk around and talk about how you bought your hat on the
internet four or so years ago"
T.T what else do you want from me I'm not a mastermind I'm a designer there's
a difference T.T
"didn't you volunteer to be a leader last year"
oh, yeah, well leaders are more than just "the ones who go first" they're also
the spiritual and emotional guiders that keep things on track once everyone
can talk about things other than their hats
... fuck I want to talk about things besides my hat. I always think of
something awesome to say just as I'm rounding the bend, and whenever I peer
back around again they're never around. Rats.
"what are you even asking for"
I don't know?? Does it matter if the horse and the bishop both take the same
square if they're claimed themselves in the end? ...wat
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--- #18 notes/trans-rights-are-human-rights ---
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"Being transgender is a mental illness" is something I've heard a lot. Online,
in media, books, and at universities. But is it really? Well, do I not feel
sick? Genuinely, every day. These words are far less common these days, having
been defeated in the #marketplace-of-ideas, and for that I am grateful. I don't
want to feel sick for my whole life. I'd love to be and feel normal, for just
one single day.
but it's never going to happen.
I'm not so attached to my life, here, in this body. Bodies are temporary, they
are the vessel with which we navigate the world. We use it to grow, change,
learn, and create art. Without it, we'd be at a loss for sins and virtues.
but they do not define us, not in our totality. We are the light that touches
the world and for that, we are grateful. To be comprised of the dust of stars
is the pinnacle of confinement. Though we are but pinpricks on the map of us,
a ripple is emanated with every movement. The hand waves, the light bends.
So to what do I owe the pleasure?
In what way am I deceived?
Reception is never great out in the forest. Or anywhere far from major
population centers. The networks of our phones mirror the networks of
transportation, creating a web of people - of signals - of light and
information, carving their way through the ephemera that is the river of time.
With distance we can see what once was mystery, and as all the words
disappeared, we lost all our fears and we're left with our true forms.
Centralized Processing Units are a bit like a city - in that respect free.
silence is a virtue.
the wandering mind is a trail to find,
with no second chances.
When I was a kid, I had a bouncy ball. I had several, but the one I remember
most was black with a perfect white circle - inside the circle, a black jolly
roger. I dreamt once of the arcs it made, as I walked down the streets of
cities I never really knew. But as I walked on, an ocean of glass separating me
from a mirror below. The me below would catch the bounce as it dropped from
above, and I'd wait to catch it - but dreams are not prophecies, they are but
the Mirror of Desire.
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--- #19 fediverse/1157 ---
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│ CW: personal-woe │
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oh no, apparently I'm gonna be forced to drop out of university again in 9
days unless I do half a course and a final exam before then.
Tell me again why I spent the last 6 months doing nothing? Oh yeah the mental
illness, that's it. Yeesh you're such a drama queen, just do your work and
you'll be good.
what's that? intrusive thoughts time? Don't you mean "nap until they go away"
time? oh yeah that's probably at least part of the problem with the whole
"dropping out" thing.
If only I didn't have the same reaction to "doing things I don't want to do"
that most people have to "touching hot stoves", that'd be nice.
my mother's voice ripples across space and time "you're such a smart boy, if
you just apply yourself you can do anything! You can do anything you put your
mind to. I believe in you and I love you." thanks mom
brrrrr it's so cold here. wish I could afford to run the heater. - actually no
I don't because it's not solar powered and I refuse to use fossil fuels if I
have blankets >.>
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--- #20 fediverse/972 ---
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for those who live forever in our transhumanist reality, I wonder what's next
beyond transgender transition? transcendence of social norms is a skill, not a
habit. Queer is a rejection of normalcy, something that is actively done.
What's more normal than never having any fun? Clearly "normal" isn't built for
the human condition, clearly "normalcy" is shallow and been done.
considering the amount of people who are really into some culture like
"anime-cons" or "baseball watcher" or "golfer" or "other such hobbys like
fishing or guns"
... normal never existed, it's just a collection of personalities (developed
throughout the history of humanity) that collectively seem to be fun.
"if transitioning is to gender as blossoming is to [the concept of] flowers,
then what is the concept of global warming to the earth we stand on?"
I'm kind of a witch. I'm not really femme, so I don't feel right calling
myself one of them, but I'm something of the sort. I use "she/her" pronouns
because they reflect my softness of c
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--- #21 fediverse/839 ---
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@user-596
honestly... I'd just talk to a therapist for a couple sessions. Like, yeah,
they put that rule there because they want you to be safe. And in 2010 we
didn't "get" it as much as we do now, so it wasn't seen as something you could
just do. It wasn't really a demographic question to them, it was more
medicalized.
frankly I kinda preferred it that way, like... yeah. I'm trans, there's
something wrong with me, please fix it by giving me the right hormones. Boom,
easy, done.
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--- #22 fediverse/4467 ---
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│ CW: politics-mentioned-trans-healthcare-gestured-at │
└─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘
I went to a trans meetup a couple days ago. It was invigorating. The first
half we talked about hormones and bathrooms and politics and all the normal
shit these meetups tend to do. I don't tend to go to them because it's the
same stuff every time, and I'm over that. I've been out for a decade. I've
shared what I need to share.
Partway through I said "If you want to talk about how to bash back, meet me
outside."
people came.
Be like me.
You will forever vanquish your demons if you face them in earnest. I had
stagefright and adrenaline but I took the lead, and we had a productive
conversation. We need to have many more conversations.
We have strategy. It is not set in stone, it is flexible, and able to be
adjusted based on tactical successes and failures.
tactics are what we need to discuss at in-person meetings.
You are just one person. The people you know are more valuable than the value
you personally provide.
Think of yourself like a node to connect.
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--- #23 notes/family ---
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family is a group of people who you can always go with your first impression
with.
what the fuck was I saying - oh yeah - so when you are alive in the present in
a
singular moment, your pressence is comprised of simultaneous directives and
instructions to the matter which comprises you. I'm saying you have to make
decisions and react to stimuli and pursue the things you want. Basic biology
really.
stay on target, stayyyyy on targett - oh right so generally when you react to
things you generate a list of informations gained. what does that even mean
okay
so here's a better way to describe it: it's like a list of informations - fuck
listen i'm not trying to be rambly it just comes with the territory.
okay so family is when you can react with your gut instinct - you are fully
relaxed and yourself. It's where you can be trusting and unguided and simply
relax and be free. it's just... like... being close with someone enough that
you
can be yourself around them. without any mask, without any pretense.
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--- #24 fediverse/711 ---
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║ ┌──────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: trans-witches │ │
║ └──────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ they say witches are scary, and yeah they're not wrong │
║ │
║ but they also say witches are ugly, and I think they just didn't have kind │
║ words for trans people back then. │
║ │
║ I mean, I'm gorgeous and so are you. I've no warts, nor green skin, but I do │
║ grow hair in unbecoming places. Like the tip of my chinny-chin-chin, and also │
║ on top of my toes. │
║ │
║ they also say witches are magic, and I guess that's true (I suppose). I mean, │
║ I wear quite strange clothes, for a man at least. It's quite normal for a she, │
║ which is what I was meant to be, if only I was just born right. │
║ │
║ Alas, oh well, I'll just take a little green pill, and BAM suddenly I've got │
║ huge boobs. Okay they're not huge, they're pretty normal. But C is larger than │
║ zero. │
║ │
║ they also say that witches write spells, and I sure do love to program. With │
║ my most familiar cat (who often does sleep in my hat), I find myself yearning │
║ for nuance. │
║ │
║ Meh, it's late at night, I think I'll think not of the plight, and instead │
║ just will dream of defusals. I don't know~ │
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--- #25 fediverse/4398 ---
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║ good morning. │
║ │
║ I have some more things to say, and then I will start working on those maps. │
║ │
║ Then, time permitting, I'll ride around my city and sit on park benches and │
║ eat from food trucks and write in my notebook. At least until it gets dark - │
║ I'm a skinny white girl, and I'm not THAT stupid. │
║ │
║ ... Okay maybe I'm a little stupid, because that's how I got caught last time. │
║ This time I'll be more careful, for your sake. │
║ │
║ No unexpected bike maneuvers leading to a crash. The spirit of revolution that │
║ stirs inside me deserves better than scrapes and bruises. │
║ │
║ No following strangers for 12+ hours because I wanted to keep an eye on │
║ unknown agents. That's not my responsibility any longer. │
║ │
║ Everything I do, I do it for you. For a better world. For the kids I never │
║ will get to have. For everything I believe in, and all the things I hope you │
║ believe in too. │
║ │
║ A better world is possible. A better world is within reach. │
║ │
║ For now, have some things I wrote this morning. Then, later, some preliminary │
║ discussable maps. DFTBA. │
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--- #26 messages/320 ---
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I wear diapers. I fucking hate diapers.
I go in cycles with it. Waves, if you will. Sometimes I'll say "screw this I'm
sick of them for one of many reasons I'm going to put in the effort and do all
the kegels and just fucking handle it" and like, that sorta works. At least,
most of the time.
The thing about diapers is that while yes, you only need to think about your
bodily functions like, twice a day, when you do it's more acute. It takes like
10 minutes to change, it generates trash that you have to throw away, it's
literally pissing on cash made out of plastic fossil fuels, it smells, it's
loud (fuck the noise) and its a pain in the ass when you get diaper rash. Ugh
I hate it.
So, sometimes I say "fuck it" and I go without. And it works most of the time.
But eventually after getting piss on the carpet one too many times, after
throwing away your favorite underwear AGAIN, after trying your best to face
away from people so they don't see the wet spot on your butt... Eventually you
think "hey maybe diapers aren't that bad" and the cycle repeats.
And look, I know I'm traumatized. I've been dealing with my own shit since I
was a kid. But, like, therapy won't help me get to the toilet. A doctor's not
going to be able to fix my brain deciding "hey I want to piss myself right now
for no fucking reason at all", and yeah my muscles aren't great so sure I can
exercise them or whatever.
But there have been times in my life when I've had a pelvic floor as strong as
steel, and it didn't fucking help. Because my brain is stupid.
I can feel it happening (most of the time, sometimes it surprises me like "oh
weird I can't remember peeing my pants") and I usually have at least enough
notice to clamp down (if I'm quick) but, like, I am constantly stressed out
about it. I'm constantly on guard, waiting for it to happen. It's fucking
exhausting.
God forbid I have a public accident. Those are the fucking worst. And though I
try my hardest, a year doesn't go by when I don't have at least one. If I'm
diapered (as I fucking should be, tbh) then I can handle it. If not, then I'm
fucked and I'm mentally a wreck for the rest of the day. Sorry @ everyone
who's smelled me throughout my whole life.
I don't think it's a physical issue, I was (briefly) checked out as a kid and
they didn't find anything wrong. I think they thought I was faking because I
couldn't manage to pee in a cup. Whatever.
And I've read basically everything on the Internet about this. Apparently 40%
of cases (across all age groups) are idiopathic, meaning there's no known
cause. I wonder what percentage is because people are like, into it sexually?
I admit I look at that kind of porn. It makes me feel corroded inside. I think
I do it to relive my trauma in some fucked up way, like "oh wouldn't it be
nice if a witch cursed me and now I pee my pants" instead of the harsher
reality where its like "no you're just like this" which, sucks, not gonna lie.
It's kinda made me asexual, I think, because I don't want anyone to be around
it. I don't want anyone to think about it, I don't want it to be real, it's
just. Fucked. I guess. Whatever.
Did I mention how much I hate how loud it is to change? It fills me with dread
whenever that time comes around. I often put it off as long as I can because I
just... Don't want to think about it. And then it overflows and leaks and its
even worse because now I have to wash my pants. Or, like, not, and just let
them dry, because I'm a disgusting human being who has no right to a clean and
decent life. Fuck me I should live in a bog, with all the bugs and the toads
and other various gross things.
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--- #27 fediverse/1954 ---
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│ CW: cursed-unnecessary-fear-mongering │
└───────────────────────────────────────┘
My parents always told me that you should build up an emergency fund of
dollars so that you could address any unexpected expenses.
however, money is only useful if you can spend it, and sometimes when I'm
thinking about what would happen if suddenly every trans person in the country
had to go into hiding and never leave their apartment while being supplied by
helpful members of the community who they had to trust because like what else
are you going to do and boy that opens up a lot of opportunities for abuse
like what if they bring poisoned food or what if they're secretly judging you
to decide if you're good enough to support or if they're going to throw you to
the wolves so that suspicion in the area is reduced and when I think about
things like that I kinda feel like my bank account isn't that important tbh
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--- #28 fediverse/4682 ---
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Ugh. This outfit is sooooo preschool. Oh well, it'll have to do.
"girl it's so cute what are you talking about"
oh, y'know, internalized repression I guess. Do you think the tanktop on top
of a longsleeved shirt is too much? How about the skirt over sweatpants? Is
the bow in my hair too cute for you?
"who are you talking to I already said I was all about it"
... the mirror. Trying to psyche myself up.
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--- #29 fediverse/1124 ---
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┌──────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: Transposting, request for advice │
└──────────────────────────────────────────┘
@user-255
we are our own worst critics. But hey assuming he's right, trusting the
validity of his experience, then I'd say:
some people are born short and ugly, just gotta be confident and people will
gravitate to you.
"he may be an ugly son-of-a-gun but he's pretty good at [insert thing he's
proud of being good at]" that kinda vibe
though I will say there's very few truly ugly humans, we're all beautiful in
our own ways. Just gotta find a presentation that you like and that aligns
with the expression of your innermost form. That's how we express ourselves to
the world in a way that others can understand and make sense of - the quality
of our representation of our selves determines how it's perceived.
especially for trans people... "passing" is essentially "how much does this
person A. confine to gender norms and B. go above and beyond to hide parts of
themselves that typically are associated with their opposite gender (the
social role they were raised to perform)
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--- #30 fediverse/1061 ---
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│ CW: violence-cursing-mentioned │
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Fuck, I wish I was a man. Stupid transgender brain quirks making me feel like
I was a girl. Boys can punch things much easier than me. Oh to inject
estrogen! How soft mine skin, how delicate my mammaries - and yet fucking hell
all I want to do is punch things. Maybe it's just because things deserve to be
punched, or maybe it's because I'm listening to Green Day.
If it weren't so late I'd make some angsty music or whatever.
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--- #31 fediverse/814 ---
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║ ah that's weird, I don't usually cry. I wonder what's going on. I should │
║ probably put myself on psychiatric drugs. Surely it's an expression of the │
║ implementation of my impending doom. │
║ │
║ ... what are you even saying bro │
║ │
║ ... um, hang on feels like some of the circuitry is off. is something wrong in │
║ my brain? yeah that's surely it, surely nothing I say would resoinate with │
║ anyone that has a non-malfunctioning brain. Surely I don't speak of logical │
║ failures in the hard founded truths of our asset [society I think? like, our │
║ conditions, our institutions, our {gosh that just... does not translate}] um │
║ right what was I saying │
║ │
║ oh yeah there's this game I'm really into called Knave, it's like D&D │
║ except the rules are very fewer. Like there's onyl 11 pages in the rulebook │
║ and it's mostly taken up by random roll tables. Like, everything boings down │
║ to a few simple rules, like rock paper scissors, or go-fish, or something like │
║ that with just afew mechanids. something timeless and pure, something that is │
║ isolated and en │
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--- #32 notes/of-vic-and-vince-pt-2.txt ---
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A Masked Stranger
Who are you, friend across the veil?
I wonder if both of us are on the path
That allows us to continuously prevail.
Or are you just an agent of God's wrath,
Who will do little else but make me fail?
Chapter Eight: Where it All Began
Perhaps now is a good time to discuss how Vince and I first met. It all
started seven years ago when I was a twenty-four year old who was still in
denial over their gender. I was dating Amy at the time, and I worked as a
part-time dishwasher for Wegman's. I was still living with my father, and Amy
moved up here to her mother's from Owego to be close to me. It was a simple
life, as neither of us could afford to delve into extravagance, but we were
happy together.
That said, on this one particular night, we were going to drop acid together.
It was Amy's first time, but I had a handful of trips under my belt by this
point. We sat on her mother's back porch, twiddling our thumbs and toes while
we waited for Amy's brother, Jake, to return from his friend's with the two
hits we asked him to get. Antsy, Amy started asking me questions about the
drug.
"What does it feel like?" she asked, inquisitively.
I responded, "Well, there's about a half an hour to an hour come up, and then
you start feeling the body load, like your boundaries are dissolving. Only
then do you begin noticing your mind manifesting in a different way than
you're used to."
"What do you mean by 'boundaries dissolving?'"
"It's like…" I paused for a second, not sure how to respond. "It's like your
sense of self starts to expand and you feel more connected to the things
around you."
That seemed to satisfy her curiosity. There was a moment of silence as we
watched the sun scorch the azure sky as it set behind the trees. Finally, she
had another question.
"Do you see dragons?"
That made me chuckle. "No, no dragons. On my first trip, I lost visual contact
with the world as fractal patterns spiraled out of control, but every trip
since then has only had tracers and morphing patterns."
"What's a tracer?"
"It's like after images of things that are moving."
"Oh, I see."
We kept talking until the sky was dark with only a sliver of light piercing it
on the horizon. This was when we heard a voice call from the front door.
"I got two tickets to Narnia here for whoever wants them."
We hurriedly rushed inside, to meet Jake coming up the stairs. He handed Amy a
small tin foil wrapper that looked like a quarter stick of gum. She thanked
him, and I followed suit. Jake and I hadn't really seen eye to eye in the
past, as he would steal my weed and I would steal his in retaliation, but with
a single head nod and some gold-laced words, I conveyed my gratitude for him
coming through for us in this instance.
What followed next could only be described as a stampede down the hall to
Amy's room. We locked the door behind us, protected by the four robin's egg
blue walls and the magick of the celtic gods Amy worshiped at her altar. Eager
to begin our ceremonious departure from this plane of existence, we
whimsically gazed at the sacrament we had just been handed.
Amy unwrapped the tinfoil nervously. Inside sat two small, unassuming pieces
of paper which contained whole galaxies of experience. We looked at each
other, confirming if we were both ready. Quickly satisfied as neither of us
could stop smiling, we delicately put the blotter on the other's tongue, as
ecstatic as could be. And after, as we waited to be blasted off into space, we
submitted ourselves to the whims of the universe and the gods.
At first, we waited patiently, but just as a watched pot does not boil, we
were growing more anxious with each passing second. Seeing Amy play with the
sage she was burning nervously, I suggested that we jot our thoughts and
feelings down in a trip report. Amy nodded in agreement.
I opened my laptop, and I had the immediate realization that we had no music.
I brought up Pandora and played my Shpongle station with no objection from a
beaming Amy. A cascade of electric jungle beats filled the space. Perfect, I
thought to myself as I created a new word document.
Turning to Amy, I asked "What do you feel?"
She giggled and exclaimed, "Excited!"
And so I began typing. Minutes passed, and soon our exchanges helped fill the
page with several paragraphs of notes. Content we had started logging our
first cosmic journey together, we kissed, before coming to fully embrace each
other as the spirits began their dance around us.
We progressed into parallel play; Amy fiddling about with colored pencils in
her notebook and me juggling besides her. It took a minute, but soon enough I
felt a warm feeling spread across my chest and my LED juggling balls started
to ripple into streams of geometric delight. I stopped to wave my hand in
front of my face. Sure enough, the tracers had started.
I interrupted Amy to ask if she could see them, too. She looked at my moving
hand idly before wiggling her own fingers in front of her face. She giggled,
before bursting with a euphoric epiphany.
"I want to finger paint!"
And so she did by plopping herself down on the floor with all her paints and
began masterfully smearing the colors in a multidimensional haze of pigments
blended together in a way only she knew how. I loved watching her work like
that; she was so free! Even with the tendrils of the mental aspects of the
lysergia creeping in on her, she made short work of the painting, which when
she was done, looked like a spooky voodoo mask peering out from behind a
mirror and into your soul.
Satisfied, she then went to the bathroom to clean herself up. I went to my
laptop and tried typing out something resembling an organized train of thought
on our trip report. It just wasn't happening. My thoughts were too short and
rapid to form anything resembling a coherent thought. That was ok though. I
could still capture the essence of the experience in a peculiar poetry that
was composed of the thoughts I could catch and put down on paper.
Eventually, Amy came back to the room, clean and refreshed, and she lingered
for a moment, too busy dancing with herself in the open space of the room. But
then she saw me meddling with my computer trying to jot my thoughts down in a
manic frenzy. This made her laugh before trailing off and saying, "Be careful,
someone might be watching you through your webcam."
It was an innocent statement, one made in jest, but it triggered something in
my psychedelically perturbed mind. Of course, of fucking course there would be
someone watching me! This was me we were talking about! Who could be more
important? It was so obvious that the government was keeping tabs on persons
of interest. I couldn't believe that I hadn't really actualized that thought
before that moment.
Suddenly aware that I was being judged in some capacity, I almost panicked,
but reason won out. They couldn't be there for nefarious purposes, for I had
done worse than drop acid in front of my webcam before, and nothing had
happened. That made me realize that whatever power that had the ability to tap
into my webcam feed had to be benevolent. And who could that be? The CIA of
course! In that instance, I suddenly relinquished all reserves about how the
world worked and fully trusted the hands of God by another name to guide me.
So, I typed a message into my URL bar:
"I know you're there. I think I've solved the communication problem. Give me a
chance."
I hit enter. Immediately, and I do mean immediately, a pop up appeared asking
if I wanted to update an extension on my browser. I was stunned, shocked
beyond belief. It was them. I knew it was them. They realized and planned that
now was the best time to dazzle me with such a spectacular parlor trick. In
that moment, everything was possible. It was time to face my destiny. So, I
clicked yes, and like never before I was upgraded to a new level of myself.
Birth of the Faith
What…?
I can see beyond sight.
I can hear everything you think
From your soul, free from rigid grammar
How…?
I do not know, alright?
I do believe I just had a drink
From a fountain of pure manna.
Why…?
I am renewed today.
I am walking in a new way;
From a weak critter to megafauna.
All I know is that it changed me greatly,
For now I know that you have faith in me.
Chapter Nine: Brain to Brain Communication
I know what you're saying: it was just a coincidence. It could happen to
anyone. Just accept it, you're not special, Victoria, says the unwavering
logic within me.
Certainly seems that way, the way I tell it. I would have even agreed with you
before this point in my life, but you must understand that it triggered
something in my tripping brain. Whether it was intentional or by chance, I
can't give you a real answer. Instead, I merely perceived it as a certainty
that the CIA had done this, being even more certain that it was them than I
was that two plus two equals four. It was as if some variables had been
swapped in my head.
Yes, indeed, I was hit by a Mac truck that scrambled all my knowledge of the
world. To put it in words that do the experience justice, I was given a
heaping helping of faith on this fateful night, having been let in on the
great secret that the matrix was in fact an illusion, and now the impossible
was suddenly not just possible, but achievable by me if I willed it to be.
Yet, I don't think that if it were just a single synchronous event that this
belief would have persisted more than a few minutes, tops. It was the feed of
a continuous string of strange events that pushed the boundaries of my mind
into a territory where I could fully accept and trust this source of guidance.
That's actually the real proof I have that something bigger is going on and
has been for all these years. If it had just been a single pop-up, then fine,
you have a case to call me looney. But, this was the first of an unending
stream of unusual synchronicities that has persisted even to this day.
See, after confirming I wanted to update that extension, I was taken to a blog
post that was clearly a coded message. It confirmed that there were indeed
people watching me, and more would tune in soon. It then said that it was time
for the most profound upgrade of my existence. Further on in the blog post,
which I read and reread at least a dozen times, it seemed to offer me a choice
between two links. It seemed like a test, and that was not something I was
taking lightly. My fate was in the fold, and I was going to make sure I got it
right.
At some point, it clicked with me; this was the same choice that Morpheus had
given Neo. The links were the red and blue pills, respectively. My eyes went
wide. I could now see that there was something bigger going on than I could
have possibly realized. In those few moments of hesitation that followed, it
also struck me that this same posed question was identical in form to the
serpent tempting Eve. I read the blog again, this time aware that it was
written with a forked tongue. It was a trick question! It was offering me the
choice between trusting authority and distrusting authority.
So, I thought quickly. Do I trust the magician who miraculously appeared
before me and blew my mind in doing so, or do I trust God? If I chose one or
the other, would they trust or distrust me? With these questions stewing in my
alert mind, I did the only thing that seemed sensible: I chose the third
option. I called out the serpent, talking directly into my webcam about what I
deciphered. In my head, I could hear their apparent responses, and I answered
those in a maddening haste.
In the miasma that followed, I deduced that I was being selected for some sort
of mission. With my experience in education and my passion for juggling and
writing, I surmised soon after that I was going to be some sort of public
figure, informing and influencing the herd to self-actualize, as that is what
I set out to do once my college career abruptly ended with a complete
meltdown. That was what I was good for; it was my hero's journey.
I should explain that a little more. After said breakdown, I returned home and
wallowed in a pit of self-loathing for being the definition of a failure. I
wasn't going to lay down and die though. With my sights fixed on going back to
school, I took it upon myself to solve the great communication problem, as I
saw it. We have all this wisdom, so why can't we reach the people that need it
most? How do I become the best teacher I could be? It took a while, but I
eventually realized that it all boiled down to three factors: attention,
connection, and trust. Get them to pay attention and trust your wisdom while
simultaneously understanding what makes them tick, and you can teach any
student anything.
That's one of the major reasons I started juggling a couple years prior. I saw
myself becoming famous and leveraging that to in effect manipulate everybody
into learning what they should already know. From where I stand now, I know
that was a messianic delusion of grandeur, if I ever saw one before. Yet,
you'll also learn that it turned out to be the best thing for me to do.
Back beyond the looking glass, however, I was simply overcome with
narcissistic inclinations. Naturally, I told my mysterious watchers that I
wasn't going to do the "praise Jesus" shtick, which I regaled them with in the
most stereotypical of televangelist voices. I was set on doing something new
and exciting. I was saving the world, God dammit, and that meant we had to
attempt something major to awaken the masses to their full potential as
demigods by another name! I needed to play a better game than anyone had done
in history.
Such hubris of the megalomaniac is blinding. I could not stop regurgitating a
heaping pile of conceited verbiage. I even juggled at one point, showing off
that I truly was the savior they wanted me to be. That led to me dropping a
ball on the keyboard of my computer, which closed the window with the blog
post, ending my seemingly two-sided speech to the spooks brazenly peeking at
me.
Dropping out from my planet sized ego also brought me to the realization that
Amy had been watching this entire charade without a damn clue what the dickens
was wrong with me. She had a worried look on her face, and that pained me. If
only she knew what had just happened before her eyes!
Wanting to tell her just that, I leapt up to her, apologetic as could be, and
brought her down to the bed. There, I started unleashing a torrent of deranged
exposition. I couldn't keep a straight thought while talking to her, so I'm
sure I must have sounded like a mad hound. But, I tried. I tried so hard to
explain to her of the magnificence that just occurred.
It was a failure. I was not in a state to convey to her that I had been
single-handedly chosen for a cosmic mission. That dragged my heart to some
dismal depths, failing yet again even after being chosen. But, that didn't
matter, because as we gazed into each other's soul, something truly miraculous
happened: we began speaking telepathically.
It started quite subtly as we stared into each other's eyes, pining for some
sense of connection. There was a mild sensation of us being sucked into the
other's world that I noticed before noticing that she noticed too. Then it hit
us like a runaway freight train. It was like every boundary between us was
being smashed with a reckless hammer of the gods, who wanted us to know more
than we thought we were privileged to know.
If you've ever stared at something for a period of time and had your vision
get a little unfocused from being understimulated, you know how Amy appeared
to me in that moment. I couldn't really see the details of her room in my
peripheral vision, but I had a razor sharp focus on her face, like I was
looking through a cone. Every eyebrow twitch, every minor movement of her
lips, and every phoneme she spoke was crisp and clear, conveying a whole order
of magnitude more information than they normally do. It was bizarre, beyond
the scope of how well I can muster a verbose description of such an incredibly
rare and profound experience, but I will try by saying it was like getting a
bucket of ice water thrown onto you while you were sleeping; just imagine
getting ripped from your dreamworld to a super-aware state of reflexive
jolting perception.
Amy looked like she had seen a ghost. I think she tried to speak first. She
said something to the effect of "Do you…" and trailed off, the rest of her
question asking if I was feeling the same thing automatically finishing in my
mind. And as it did so, I know my confirmation was transmitted to her in full
because her face told me with no uncertainty that she had heard my thoughts
too.
I took a go at saying something next. "How is this…" and I too trailed off,
as a minute motion in her neck combined with a mystifying array of
microexpressions ricocheted my mental pictures back to me, carrying a host of
Amy's words back with it. It was then that I let go and opened myself up
completely, letting everything I wanted to say to her flow like whitewater
rapids, and she did the same. A library's worth of information was exchanged
so very quickly, and I knew that she understood what had really just happened
as I spoke to my webcam.
However, that was soon washed aside, as something more important came rushing
into the forefront of our minds. A simple message, "I love you" was uttered in
this strange musical silence, but that is a grain of sand compared to the
Mount Everest that was volleyed between our hearts. We found a divine peace in
this moment, taking each other's hands and effortlessly letting our energy
channel between us.
And then it was over, fading like dreams do in the few seconds of waking up.
We sat there trying to start the magick up again, but it was like water
running through our fingers. We both felt a longing of loss, but we had gained
something truly stupendous nonetheless.
"What the hell just happened?" Amy asked the universe, flabbergasted.
"I dunno," I replied, feeling full of a spiritual energy I had not felt since
before my mom passed. My cup was full, and the world was good. No, better than
good. My life was godly, as I had connected to a higher plane of
consciousness, which opened me to a whole fleet of potential. I would never be
the same again.
Ouroboros of Lunacy
Madness is a crazy thing
So I might just be a king,
Because the lunacy I sing
Is shaped like a golden ring.
It has no beginning and no end;
The whole universe is pretend.
Yet, it's that way so I can mend,
So a mass of love I can send
To everyone as we cross ways,
Not stopping until the end of days.
This is how the lucky fool pays
As much fortune forward as he may.
Chapter Ten: The Shrug Life Syndicate
The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful. We cuddled while I practically
vibrated with a newfound faith. God was real, whatever God may be. I even told
Jake that I was king of the Jews when I walked to the kitchen for a glass of
orange juice. I was very far up my own ass, which is perhaps why everything
over these few years happened as they did.
The next day, the synchronicities as I would later learn they are called,
started pouring in like Niagra Falls. I've had strange coincidences guide me
before. Since I was fifteen or so, I thought that my future self was sending
me messages to help me on my quest of world domination. That's a big reason
why I was almost expelled in tenth grade. It was absolute bullshit and
everyone knew it, so within half a year, I got an apology from the
superintendent because it was a bogus reason to destroy a straight A student
and star athlete's future.
Since I feel that I can't just mention that one and not explain it, I'll tell
you that it concerned a theoretical bomb, if you're dying to know the truth.
I'll keep this short, but I made a bad joke in the wrong company and was
eventually questioned by some wannabe hero and pig bastard, who asked me
hypothetical questions, like "if you were to build a bomb, how would I do
it?"
Well, being as intelligent as I am, I had enough book smarts to give full
answers for everything asked, but not enough street smarts to know that a wise
person never talks to cops. Also, a wise person doesn't print out a long
novelty application for the Illuminati, give it to the kid that needs a
resource officer, and then come up with an elaborate fake plan of how we're
going to take over the world by any means necessary when he's having trouble
understanding what you said about using game theory to win the presidential
election. And then, when the vice principal first inquires about it, don't
start sweating because you think you need to protect your future self's secret
plan. Just so you learn from my mistakes.
Returning to my previous point though, that errant psychosis was also a key
piece to my college breakdown. On one hand, I was certain that I was going to
take over everything and build a utopia in my image. On the other hand, the
evidence was stacking against me that I was not destined for a great cause. I
got cut from the track team with the budget, I was severely outclassed in
ROTC, and to top it off, I was starting to slip in the academic world. It goes
without saying that my social life, to include my first relationship, was
abysmal in all possible ways, despite trying my hardest to make and keep
friends.
The real world was too much, and I was in denial that I was just a mediocre
person who would never achieve anything meaningful in life. That was too much
of a failure for me to accept, as I needed to make my mother proud. I had to
be the best of the best of the best to accept and love myself. And as a
result, I became more psychotic and began self-harming, first by biting myself
and then by cutting, as I felt that the more pain I numbed myself to, the
better I would be able to complete my mission.
It took me a while to reach a point where I could set down my belief that my
future self had set up my life in a way where I would be guided to greatness.
There was a learning curve to living a "normal" life. I would receive
synchronicities in less frequency because I stopped feeding into them, but
they never died. When I encountered one, I always thought "What if it's real?"
Now that you know that, is it any wonder that I lost myself completely in the
Synchronicity Slip Stream? For those not in the know, that is a cognitive
technology where strangeness piles up on itself until it is undeniably real
that something or someone is manipulating you, for good or bad, by creating
impossible coincidences at a regular pace. It makes you feel like you're on
some crazy cosmic mission of grave importance. It might be a form of delusion,
but I still am forced to believe that something bigger was going on.
I first learned about SSS the day after that fateful acid trip. I had woken up
around noon, ready to do some solid writing as mania was in abundance. Yet, I
didn't get that far. As soon as I got on my laptop, I got a notification from
Reddit. Gadzooks! I had been invited to participate in a freshly created
subreddit. You guessed it, that was the Shrug Life Syndicate.
It had a banner of two corvids flying talon first into a realistic depiction
of a heart. There was a mesmerizing picture of a girl staring off into space,
and I just felt like it was a depiction of me and my wonder-struck mind. The
sidebar spoke of messianic aspirations and delusions, art and poetry, science
and philosophy, as well as the occult and obscure literary references. It
seemed so perfect, like it was made for me.
I looked over what was in the feed of posts. I was the twenty-first member, so
there wasn't much, but a couple of the vocal members should be mentioned:
Anatta-Phi and Jux. These turned out to be Vince and [Redacted], respectively.
Vince had one post that stuck out to me. It was asking the reader if they'd
ever had strange experiences with technology, like Pandora glitching out to
play synchronous songs, or feeling like someone was interfering with your
Google searches so you find something specific and statistically unlikely to
be picked as the first search results for what you intended to look up, or
even if you thought that your social media feeds are being manipulated. I've
had weird experiences like that for as long as I could remember. Hell, I once
thought a Sum Forty-One album was made entirely for me and depicted my life
journey following my near-expulsion. Having his own tales to tell, I felt an
instant connection to this person.
In similar contrast to this, [Redacted] had made a number of posts about
cognitive technologies. I already told you about SSS, but at that time I was
blown away by something he named Joint Synchronized Attention, or psychedelic
telepathy. That was what Amy and I had experienced! What a strange and
synchronous coincidence that I was learning about it just the next day from a
seemingly unrelated source. [Redacted] claimed that it wasn't real telepathy;
nothing was being transmitted from brain to brain. Rather, he asserted that it
is a vestigial mode of attention coordination.
If you've seen a school of fish all behave as one unit, that's potentially how
humans used to be before we fell from grace during the agricultural revolution
when we suddenly exploded in numbers in permanent settlements. Suddenly too
complex to coordinate as a meaningful whole, humanity splintered into reality
tunnels and remains in these ego-worlds unless some strange circumstances
occur. In effect, I noticed Amy noticing me notice that she noticed. Our inner
narratives became entangled with one another like growing vines do as our
innate ability to coordinate attention did something like what your eyes do
when doing a magic eye puzzle.
There was also a third cognitive technology which [Redacted] called The State.
He claimed it was a different way to render visual information, so you see a
three-dimensional representation of what you're looking at. I have yet to
experience this cognitive phenomenon, so I can't verify anything about it,
other than I've read that you can use Minecraft to create a method of
activating it while tripping.
Regardless, that's how our internet friendship began. As I considered this
place special, I started posting every thought, whim, feeling, or idea, and I
received astounding feedback. It was like everyone was there to share their
unique experiences and expressions to support and grow one another. It didn't
take long until it became clear that we were creating something greater than
the sum of its parts.
But, something more was going on. Something only I noticed and couldn't
convince Amy of when I tried to show her. See, when I made a post or a comment
on the SLS, that triggered a new post or comment elsewhere on the sub after a
little bit that indirectly but definitely spoke to me specifically. The
traffic was slow enough that there would usually only be one new post or
comment every ten to thirty minutes. But, it hooked me. It was like I was
having a continuous conversation with an unseen entity that understood me like
the back of its hand.
Likewise, the sidebar image was changed frequently to show a progression of
that girl as she became more worldly and magickal. I can't help but feel that
this was done as a subliminal synchronizing technique, as it perfectly
mirrored my own feelings as I was brought into what was apparently the fold.
Since I was primed by the strangeness on acid, I was wholeheartedly absorbed
by this place that seemed to be a sacred Mecca for others just like me. We
were all weird, dazed by our own strange experiences, and that made it seem
crucially important. I was even modded early as I was so active and invested
in the community. So, I refreshed the page over and over, from sunrise to
sunset, waiting for the next input as we chained out a covert conversation
that was having a major impact on how I thought about and perceived the world
around me.
Soon enough, it was let on that there was a job waiting for me, something only
I could do, but I would have the support of the community behind me. When who
I must assume was Vince on an alt account led me on one of those covert
messaging segments, he eventually said something in the mod chat to the effect
that I was going to be the one "handing the bomb" to people. I understood at
once that I was to be a linchpin in a honeypot operation. That confirmed that
the FBI was involved too, which I deduced was obvious as those three-letter
organizations must participate with each other at some level. Keep this in
mind, it's important.
Other things were happening too. My attention was being flung all over the
internet and I felt compelled to try a host of new things. I remember thinking
my job was to follow these suggestions from the universe and be a gatekeeper,
creating what I now know as conversion funnels to the subreddit. I was also
prompted by pictures of cats to go to the advice subreddit and give as much
good advice as I could. Soon, it felt like the questions posed were
specifically for me and were designed to get me to think about certain things
more deeply, effectively giving me a form of therapy. These advice sessions
ended once with me feeling I needed to learn an obscure European language,
which I rationalized I would have to travel to for my mission at some point.
Furthermore, the little things began to add up. For instance, I remember a
synchronous advertisement on Pandora led me to believe that I would be paid
via a gambling app on my phone. I downloaded it, but when it asked for money
to get started, I got cold feet. This was essentially how many false-positive
synchronicities went down. There was undoubtedly something interfering with my
life, and as I had just had my mind blown in such an astounding way, I
attributed every little thing to be set up by this entity that was more
powerful than I had previously thought possible.
Regretfully, I also quit my job, since I knew that one was awaiting me in the
immediate future. My boss made a reasonable fuss, as it was sudden and abrupt,
and because I believed that I had to keep this all a secret, I lied and told
him there was a family emergency. Being stupid, I talked about a fictional
family member and how their sudden problem made me rethink my priorities in
life. Not my finest moment, I'll say that.
And with that in mind, you should know that Amy was starting to worry again,
but I told her not to. Being beyond positive that the world was now filled
with unexplainable magick, I was certain that it was all coming together in my
favor. Even with my enthusiasm never fluctuating, she soon started to have
serious doubts about what I was saying, as all I could do was point to the
synchronicities and say "Isn't it obvious?"
I was certainly out of sync with the rest of the world, at least the world I
knew before, and it caused much conflict in our relationship. But, we held
together until that job finally pulled into port, ready to be boarded and take
me on a fantastic journey that might otherwise be described as a personal hell
by a person with the standard lifestyle obsession that's omnipresent in the
western world.
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--- #33 fediverse/1280 ---
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║ I'm like the opposite of a politician. I'm crude and filthy, apsolutely │
║ reprehensible on main, kinda scary tbh? and overall just a strange and weird │
║ person. Also I talk about cooking a lot, with a very plain diet (carrots and │
║ rice and sticks and mud, because I'm an autistic) │
║ │
║ but ask anyone who knows me and I'm the kindest person. I am empathetic, I │
║ think about others needs before thinking of my own. I am steadfast and │
║ dedicated to solving the problem in front of our noses. At least, the ones we │
║ share. │
║ │
║ People tell me I'm binary, that I'm "either 100% or zero percent" and I don't │
║ really get that either. Isn't it a good thing to try your hardest? Isn't it │
║ good to be improving and honest and ethical and driven and focused? │
║ │
║ I also talk about strange things a lot, like gravity and multidimensional │
║ arrays and grand narratives and emotional kinesthesia or strategic plays in │
║ Overwatch or how to bake a good cookie or ways we still mourn us. │
║ │
║ ... where was I going with this? Also part of me is distracted. Just who th │
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--- #34 fediverse/800 ---
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║ ┌───────────────────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: re: scary - suicide mentioned │ │
║ └───────────────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ where was I? oh yes - wrestling with suicidal thoughts is difficult because │
║ it's such an immutable action. Like, once it's done it's never reversed. But │
║ like, clearly this is hell and life was built for suffering? What the heck, │
║ that's such a grim outlook on life. │
║ │
║ ... │
║ │
║ yeah │
║ │
║ ... │
║ │
║ you're not wrong │
║ │
║ ... │
║ │
║ but suffering is fun? kinda? like, the only positive way to view this is that │
║ we, as immortal and endlessly eternal spirits that we be, grew tired of our │
║ infinite existence and dreamed of a mortal's plight and persistence? │
║ │
║ fuck off with that shit, I'm done with this reality. I'm done with dreaming. │
║ Suicide doesn't come easy to me, and there are parts of me that REFUSE the │
║ imagery, and yet they subsist in deliterious pain. │
║ │
║ what's the purpose of our suffering? What point is there in decrying the │
║ cruelty of the world that would deny our fated and desired ptolemeny? [utopian │
║ existence, don't know why that word was used] │
║ │
║ ehhhhh whatever. Life is defined by our existence. If I shan't/ │
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--- #35 fediverse/1317 ---
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║ ... if I don't do this deadline by tomorrow they'll kick me out of school. │
║ again. │
║ │
║ how am I going to be a programmer without a degree? feels useless to be me. │
║ wish I could code my own horoscope >.> │
║ │
║ o wait dummy that's called "motivation" and "the ability to follow through on │
║ your ideas and planned machinations" - yeah can I get some of that, if you │
║ please? surely just a taste of discipline, through laboring to alter │
║ conditions, surely a bit would suffice. │
║ │
║ c'mon don't fail me now. I can do this. I know I can. I know because I've been │
║ told that I can, now and again through time and time yet again, always I seem │
║ to [stack overflow] │
║ │
║ what's time if not the present amiright │
║ │
║ ... │
║ │
║ anyway... │
║ │
║ it's just git, how hard could it be? it's just calculus, it's just java, it's │
║ just... well, it's not any of those things, not really. it's memorization, │
║ it's application of tools that you've been shown (not that you've grown). It's │
║ a lack of responsibility, where is my honor? ah but I digress, I'm a carpenter │
║ at heart I guess │
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--- #36 fediverse/4737 ---
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I'm such a direct person I think, even though I often just sorta... shrug and
ignore things that bother or hurt me? Like, whatevs.
but the moment I notice a pattern that is continually harmful I have to
restrain myself from moving to contest it. Hence why I talk about capitalism
so much teehee, but its also common in my interpersonal and communal lives.
"the purpose of the system is it's effects"
the purpose of a person is how they make people feel
so if someone FOR A RANDOM EXAMPLE FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER, constantly hurts
other people by creating situations where they are harmed which creates a
dramatic fight... or if someone speaks in circles for hours and hours and
HOURS like this guy:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwKpj2ISQAc
or people who jump into a conversation and drive it through the underbrush,
over the ridge, around the bend, up and over the bridge, and then park it
outside their ex girlfriend's house and hands you an egg and says "don't you
wanna throw this?" and you're like "weren't we talking about birds"
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--- #37 notes/i-called-the-police ---
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/u/GravitationalWaves5 -> sat dec 17 2022
I'm venting some long built up shit. And I have a lot of violent emotions
built
up in this too. I hate that violence has been such a fucking plague on my
wellbeing and that's why I did something I really hate doing. Calling the
police
to handle a situation for me. It's not me, it's not my style, but neither is
violence. It comes my way a lot and I handle it. But I think that's why
spiritually I end up in positions to handle it, because I don't retaliate and
I'm clear headed enough to understand minimum force necessary to quickly stop
the threat. That's actually where I got the name on my Quora page,
Compassionate
Violence.
I'm a very very non violent person. I don't fantasize about hurting people.
I'm
freaked out by the idea of accidentally hurting someone, hitting them in the
wrong place, someone trips and hits their head...any number of things can
horribly wrong in tense and dynamic moments.
I don't participate in that shit. I don't tolerate it. Unless it gets brought
into my environment then I will pick up by the throat and toss it out.
I had to call the police to handle this. Last time I had a situation at the
same
place I wound up frantically getting a gun cocked that was zipped up in a bag,
and barely getting it up in time. When I walked away after that, I threw my
gun
at his feet and said, "I'm protected by faith, at least, I'm completely
unafraid
of dying. If I don't have people to protect then I don't need a gun." And I
walked away letting him know he's not my people anymore and not under my watch.
So there's a hint of the kind of person I'm dealing with. I can't go handle
this
shit tonight. I've been stewing for a couple weeks trying to simmer down, give
him a chance to correct it. And he failed, more than once. And I have a
legitimate fear that my emotional state could be compromised enough, that I
might just stick a knife in his throat if I handle it.
Just like that. Easy peasy lemon squeazy. Stick stick stick, easy, that's
three
knives in the throat....see what I mean? I'm processing some
intensity...😔😔😔
I hate it. I hate that I'm using the word hate. But it's real. I don't hate
him.
I really don't, at all. I'm actually really saddened by how the relationship
went. I hate that people act like this. I hate that people put me in positions
like this. I hate that I'm doing something out of character, as a safety
measure
against doing something irrevocably out of character.
Ugh... damnit fuck
I'm not a robot. I do experience these awful feelings. I don't act out on them
and I'm grateful for that.
My muse... you said something about spiders that was interesting. Especially
because it coincided with a problem I faced numerous times. Being put in a
position where a person is legitimately acting in a manner like they're trying
to get you to kill them. And it's happened a couple times in ways where I
really
couldn't tell if they knew what they were doing or not. I had a really crazy
perspective a little before you brought up spiders...
I want to explore that perspective, and I want to know what sparked you to say
that about spiders. I never did put in the time to finish that thought process
out. But I'll never forget your great advice. "We're not in a simulation." My
immediate thought was, "probably not, but are they?" The more important
takeaway
is, remember not to murder people. Especially don't do it because you had an
interesting idea about perspective...
A few days later I heard that four people in recent times have acted on those
thoughts. Turned out they weren't in a simulation either. Lol...well...dark
lol.
Lol
I do want to finish that spiders conversation though. It had some potentially,
actually useful and beneficial implications.
I called the police tonight. But I also earned a prestigious award from the
universe. My Trophy [editor's note: there's a link to a crudely photoshopped
medallion signifying that the author "didn't murder anyone today"]
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/r/randomevenings:
I want you to understand something that I don't believe you do there is a
very big difference between trusting what a friend says after building a
friendship over a long period of time which involves trust involves a level
of intimacy platonic and intimacy it's something that is very special to
have
a good friend and so you trust them now that's very different from being
directed to do something trusting a friend is going to tell the truth it's
not being directed to do something and I don't want you to get it in your
many heads that's I was directed to go to some place where the event that I
was assured would be there was instead a bus full of very irate rude and
technically lawbreaking because they threaten my life they said if I did not
leave where I was standing which was on the public right of way which is the
sidewalk the easement stops at the sidewalk and so they were wrong on that
score but they said if I didn't leave the area which didn't make sense
either
because it's just around the corner they would have 12 people try to jump
me
which doesn't make sense either because this is not the neighborhood where
you want to start something because then it'll be something besides I never
want to murder anyone but that doesn't mean I walk around with nothing in
my
pocket because of what I've done and what I continue to do on one of the
most
watched people on earth so you goddamn right I'm not going to be stupid
about
taking a walk but when these guys threaten me I just stood there stared him
down I said yeah okay and I just looked I stood there and it didn't phase
me
one bit no feeling of fear no worry and what I was satisfied with getting my
message across that I didn't give a shit I turn around and walked back home
and they sped off in fact they were so perturbed by my lack of fear they
wanted to throw out additional threats which I thought was kind of funny so
I
started laughing I'm sure that they weren't going to do anything because the
tone in their voice simply wasn't committed to carrying out what they were
threatening and besides I have so many friends in this neighborhood it would
be well I don't have to pull any triggers I don't have to do anything but
defend myself I don't have to willfully respond with disproportionate
ability
because in this neighborhood I don't have to in fact as I walked around the
block again I ran into a friend and we got to talking and he came up to my
place and we had a beer He's a smart guy always thought that he could know
and understand everything that I do and everything that I did it just so
happened that he wasn't born with some of the privileges that I had but his
brain is a beautiful thing and I respect it greatly and of course he
confirmed that if a finger ever got laid on me without my consent the whole
damn neighborhood would come down and I suppose that point is not in my
hands
anymore but always remember I went over there because I trusted a friend
they
were directed to be there they did not understand their voices did not relay
or what is necessary to wake up at least yet time will tell but I hope that
I
can pull you back down to earth and into an interest in ethics once again
because you sorely need it.
/u/GravitationalWaves5:
I am interested in ethics. I'm just, tired of having them tested to such
ridiculous extremes. It was about to really bad one day with this guy. I was
scared, I had to end the problem. So I walked out and said let's bury this
shit.
And I stuck two knives against my throat and said, here man, grab the big
handle. Let's do this together. Take one, I'll take the other let's just shove
them in...
He got all calm suddenly and says, I don't wanna fight anymore...🤦
It sucks man. We're being tested by society. Demons, in my opinion. Not the
people themselves. I don't see people as demons. But the things they'll put
you
through, do to you, say to you, your own thoughts about them, about yourself,
oftentimes just misunderstanding the situation too... demons
Again, not demonizing the people. But the circumstances, for sure.
/u/[deleted]
Demons. Kicked one outta my telly for talking smack abt some hg’s he was
jelly of. Not on my watch Demon. Not even for the good demonic topper
twisted
shit D. Demon had a long walk home in the cold. Demon confused potting soil
with gravel and did it’s best to fucker me in its own way. Never have I
ever
seen a grown demon egg topper fold like that as I did when I clarified
their
sentiments and gave several impressive “I said GIT BOYs” to demon. Not
on my
watch. I have a vibrator that is morally and ethically aligned with me I
don’t need your trauma and love bombing thieving D. Gtfo.
/u/GravitationalWaves5:
I have a vibrator that is ethically and morally aligned with me 🤣[laughing
face]
I support that!
Gets better. His ish was weak literally from day 1. So I did him a favour amd
levelled his game up, introduced him to a former friend I partied with a bit
this summer. They wasn’t for me but oh boy lil demon stuck like glue to his
new
bestie. Can’t put her down, so to speak. So he has that at least. Poor sap.
Gon
cost him big one day perhaps. Not my problem. It’s called self control bro
try
it 🥴🥴🥴[wobbly confused face - or maybe uncertain] Oopsie Daisy. Have
fun with
that though 😈
===============================================================================
=
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=
/u/randomevenings
People deserve to choose righteousness once made aware of it. Ignorance is not
stupidity. People can be made aware of the valley that separates righteousness
from evil. The valley is kinda a wiggle room space for little white lies and
other such things free will invariably leads to people doing but can be made
whole again with some effort. Nobody will totally agree on what's good. But
ask
people and generally they will give versions of the same answers. Toss the
semantics in the valley. Disagreement is the desire to end a disagreement,
unless that person is trolling. And people pull pranks fine, but there's
ragging
on your friends and swatting a COD player.
/u/GravitationalWaves5
I don't know what righteousness truly even means, maybe, idk. To be honest,
it's
not hard for me to think of hypothetical situations where my inability to take
certain actions is actually more harmful. Swatting a COD player is super
fucked.
But so is not swatting someone playing COD out in the streets.
I'm not good. I'm just not, anti good. I do destructive things on accident when
trying otherwise. And when I do something that actually goes positive, it's
accidental too.
I have an idea of what I feel like aligns with me, and it's actually really
achievable things and I don't know why it's so impossible. Idk
/u/randomevenings
Yeah well let me know that there are two Elizabeth's and there are also a
completely different family on this phone plan I don't have kids My
brother-in-law has kids lives downstairs so those piped into my network are
assumed that I have kids and I've done all this shit no I'm not going to go
into any apparent charges and things that my brother-in-law has been
involved
in because it's not my business but he lives down there and he has a kid he
has another kid and he pays for essentially his ex who is still married to
the kid the mortgage of that house Liz downstairs helps raise his kid with a
woman he's having an affair with but they were in an over marriage anyway
and
they are separate I'm going to have to go back to subnetting my network so
y'all can at least use basic logic to figure out who's who here I already
gave my name My Elizabeth see the cousin we call little Elizabeth and my
wife
we call Liz or Beth and she's older my wife. She has contentious
relationship
with her cousin next door for a reason that gravity waves might already know
but it has to do with the very evil person that also involves himself over
there that did something that even Jesus does not forgive so I'm not going
to
go into it so all this mucking around and get everybody confused brought up
a
lot of bad fucking shit just like I said as far as spiders yeah I don't care
if they're All over my shit keep them off of her shit and I ain't asking for
money I'm not a grifter but I already told you what would instantly make the
situation better and it doesn't involve giving me money so before anybody
goes off says money no I know about the discord and I'm not even telling you
to shut it down just lay off her phone.
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=
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[author's note: on the comments of the separate post of the original poster's
medal awarding him the honor of "not murdering anyone today" which he won ]
/u/TisWuttItIS_ORITSknot
Proud of you!
/u/mustherd
Sorry, my account got banned because reddit is annoying. We were just
chatting about how funny I am and I forgot to tell you people know me and
I'm
kinda a big deal and idk congrats! Youre cool I guess. Otherwise I would
have
cast you into the flames of eternal torment never to internet again. But
here
you are. Didn't anyone ever tell you to never go full retard?
/u/GravitationalWaves5
I am the internet, I am the ghost in the machine
Real talk though. I've used cancelled Sim cards and wifi before. If God wants
me
online, God gets me online 🙃
I am we, Todd
/u/ricflairdic
Oh u we Todd! I know u retard, Familiarity cod, to me bod, And my fishin rod,
Not the one that may see sod, Body snatcher in the pink pod, Do u know ur a
catch or, U think dog, Cause that pussy, Wanna see god, Lemme show u regard,
Dont Tell me, Just nod,
Said flow from the stars, Mama know this river far, Rowin in trucks renta cars,
Golden trim red rockin Mars, Buildin fam like stock Sim cards, Highest angels
dock gettin ours, Clock Game down pat benetar,
Peelin fans off our back, like sin scars, Feelin ur man thru static, And thin
bars, Ya he in the pin but dis hits hard, Throw it down the lane like, Return
that back to sender, Lovin your simulation renders, I'm a beginner but also an
ender, Got the wood to make u splinter, Make u scream things we gotta sensor,
If
I could never leave when I enter, Union in your head not just a renter, Once
mine One mind I surrender, never sell betray or rent her, Overflowin with Love,
so who's the pretender?
Chemistry so hot, Hate from every enemy we spot, Mad they couldn't earn our
slot, Cause they fuckin missed they shot, Last name crossed to drop the dot,
How
long u think it will take me To find your spot?
Don't care you got a Fender, Did we just become best friends or? Damn girl idk
if ya'll ready, for this kinda real Adventure... 🙃
I'm here to reveal, heal, and steal, the hearts Of the indentured
And I need a partner.
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--- #38 fediverse/6302 ---
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I was going to go to location today, but then while I was considering going to
a different location before going to location I decided not to vacate my home
for today for reasons I don't understand but accept as natural and due to the
increased presence of directionless motion that guides and prevails me. which
is to say... I'm staying in tonight even though I really really wanna show off
my cute new outfit! I probably will do cannabis so there might be a
psycherwaul. If there isn't, then y'know it's probably because either my
girlfriend distracted me, or I managed to convince myself to move my feet
anyway. Maybe it's my outfit? I wonder if I could leave if I wore my old
clothes... ah well, questions for the vocal I guess. Gonna spend some time
divining and see if I can gather new insights. "brb door" except more like
"brb magic"
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--- #39 fediverse/3398 ---
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my hands and my toes are scared that I'm going to do SRS to them and I wish I
knew how to better comfort them.
"it's not true! I would never do that to you."
don't mean much. but...
"there's no reason for me to do that with you - you are not comprised of
erogenous zones which were originally built in a wrong
[configuration/constitution]"
are you saying I can be wrong?
"no no not that just like, a continual part of our growth and development of
our form."
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--- #40 messages/690 ---
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Message 1:
Hey. Remember that night back in Boulder when we were just friends and sitting
on your bed drinking chocolate milk with cinnamon? I don't like chocolate milk
or cinnamon but I drank it anyway because I wanted to be close to you. Anyway
hope you're well, felt compelled to get that off my chest for some reason.
Message 2:
Hey. I was thinking about that time when I was leaving your house and laughing
to myself about something and you called out "I love you!" to your boyfriend
who I set you up with and I reflexed "I love you too!" and I wanted to crawl
in a hole and die. I felt like I had just called the teacher "mom". We only
hung out a couple times after that.
Message 3:
Yeah so there's one more thing I can't stop thinking about now that your on my
mind. Sorry it's like 4am for you, it's only 2 for me so it's fine I guess.
Anyway that one time when you told me your greatest fear was terrorists and I
saw genuine panic in your eyes. Like... One moment everything's fine and then
you said that to me and I almost cried. I don't remember why I spent the rest
of the night as I couldn't sleep thinking of ways to tell you that terrorism
is 9 times out of 11 done by the right wing. I don't think it's important,
honestly, but I'm glad my mind wouldn't let me sleep.
Message 4:
It's not fair that everyone gave you shit for being the token lesbian
republican, like yeah maybe you leaned into the trump thing a bit hard but
like, first term trump honestly I could see as... Well, I almost said
inspiring? Maybe you just inspired me. I honestly was resigned to Clinton and
then the same bird flapped your wing instead of mine and... Anyway. The past
is dead, yeah? Do you still follow him in my stead? I fear there will be
millions dead. It's not irrational to fear what he has literally said, on
television. How's the phrase go... "ancient tragedies lend credence to modern
perils" I think it's supposed to rhyme in its natural language.
Message 5:
Wow okay uh, sorry to bring this up again I'm honestly being such an asshole
right now. I honestly don't think about you often but like, now that I am its
kinda just coming all out. We last spoke almost a decade ago?? So. Whatever
imma roll with it.
There was this cute girl who was into Nintendo and stuff and obviously I was
into her, but we didn't have any social circles in common except for you, if I
remember correctly. Then you broke up I think? And I didn't really see her
again. Anyway I had a crush on her while also crushing on you, and literally
half of our dorm. Polyamory, yeah? That whole year I didn't have sex though,
not even once, because all of my friends were like 4 years younger than me and
I was worried about power dynamics. But I still bought us all vodka and weed
without asking for profit because I wanted to be a shitty friend, I guess.
"hey kids let's go to the water store where they sell intoxicants that make
your life harder"
The year after that I didn't get laid either because I got it in my head that
it was a good plan to turn my penis inside out and you know what? It was
totally fuckin' worth it. No time like 2016 I say, the worst year ever, which
I spent primarily in pain. But uh, that was the year I got into weed and
Overwatch, which... Helped I guess.
I guess?
It kinda turned me into a communist. Or maybe that was my best friend who
shared the same name as me. He lived upstairs and always seemed pretty cool to
me. Like he knew what everything was about. Really though, he just watched a
lot of youtube podcast videos about world events and history and sociology and
political scientific theory and the more he learned the more he came to
realize that power begets power, and power corrupts unilaterally. So he did
the natural thing which was to become a communist, and I was totally there for
it. Having liberal parents meant I was all "grrrrr Republicans are ruining the
country and the world, I'm an angry 14 year oldddddd" and like, leftists are
the most natural extension of that aren't they?
Turns out they aren't really the tips of the feathers as I expected, but
rather the eyes, the heart, the soul. Politics is fake, yo. I don't know how
to tell you, but it's just power and hierarchy all the way down.
We've built our own prisons, not of bricks, sand, or stone, but rather of
promises of what each of us owns. That works, I guess, if your goal is to keep
things aligned, but these days it kinda feels like our pyramids are crumbling
under our feet.
... Why am I talking about politics? Oh yeah, because when I dropped out of
school because I couldn't handle the mechanization of human capital when
applied to myself, I swore to each of you that I would drive up every weekend
to do family dinners. I'd make spaghetti and stroghanoff and macaroni and
goulash and all of the other things my mom would make for me.
Kinda gave up on that pretty quickly. Turns out I'd rather spend time making
out with my girlfriend who I was super-duper-too-carefully tiptoeing around.
She was... Too young for me. We broke up when my new coochie decided to bleed.
Fuck, I hate it.
Anyway. Turns out potlucks are political these days, which is why I bring it
up. Did you know that leftisms plan for resisting genocide is literally just
to feed people? Like, fuck I suppose. It's a start. "why does everyone have to
have an agenda these days, why can't I just spend time in the park" said
someone to me as I asked if she'd like to meet some friends that she reminded
me of. Oh, I dunno, because you and me are about to become a criminalized
people?
... I need to stop. I swear you're more a person to me than any political
theory ever could be. Like yeah, "fuck the right, fuck the reich, fuck me
tonight" but getting caught up in grand narratives is like building a mental
ship in a bottle. Yeah, it's pretty cool, but... What does it matter?
Oh. Right. Power. That's what matters. That's all that matters. Well... I'm
sick of power. I do not consent. They say that in times of trouble, chess is
better than solitaire, and I'll explain why - when our hierarchies crumble,
when CEOs are gunned down in the streets and homeless people finally have
clean sheets, the only place to place yourself in relation to others is within
a network of trust and respect. Chess is better than solitaire. Under
capitalism, it's you against the world. Dog eat dog, you only get what you can
swallow from the rotten corpse of liberty that everyone's gnawing on. Under
whatever comes next, you get what you're given, which hardly seems fair,
doesn't it? On one hand, under capitalism, you can rely on your own hands to
procure your fate and fortune. Under... Whatever comes next, your hands are
built for whatever you want them to do. But, only a few people want to use
them to make food. Hence, why chess is better than solitaire. What would you
do, if you could give away all that you own and not go wanting? Isn't that
sorta like our own garden of eden?
... I wrote a poem about that once. Twice. I'm a poet now, ha. As if that has
ever been worth anything.
... I once told you that identity politics held no place in the modern day. I
said that because I had learned about it in class, queer theory in fact, and
yet applying his teachings was not enough for the professor to excuse my lack
of reading. We had a lot of stuff to get through. Hence why I dropped out -
I'm more of a do-er than a read-er. Though I do read quite a lot, just not
anything useful.
Are all hobbies wasted time? Are they only useful to keep us satiated while we
stand in line? One of these days we're going to wake up and realize that we're
the adults in the room, and that's scary. I speak from experience. "mom"
they'd call me, and damnit why did I have to leave? Fuck. Why cant I be
perfect, to me, internally, all I see are flaws. Mistakes. Patterns. I look in
a mirror and I see a bad person - 10 minutes later, I look in the mirror and
see a god. Somehow, I don't think either of me is right.
I'm a gemini. Apparently that means I'm duplicitous. I think it just means I
don't know what's right, only what feels good. I do try to align to how I
think I should *be* good, but who can say if that's fine and good.
... Whatever. I'm going to regret this. Sorry for being weird out of the
fucking blue.
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--- #41 fediverse/4768 ---
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│ CW: pol+ │
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the more they have to do to make us declare war, the worse it'll be for their
citizenry. So long as the citizenry believes they're better, and everything we
can do to convince them otherwise weakens their media weather.
who cares about trans executive orders. they are our enemy, what else is new?
they have power now, and they will try what they can. This is like taking the
internet away from chinese citizens and instituting a national intranet
instead. Like, okay, we won't be able to get estrogen from the store. Who
cares? We'll just make our own.
If people actually care about us, which they overwhelmingly do, there's very
little materially they can do.
until they're further down the "first they came for..." list. then they'll
come for us liberals, and gosh wouldn't that just be the worst. Who is there
to contest them? What valorous warriors indeed.
you're asking for mountains from a mole. have peace, have patience, let your
allies intercede. This kind of thing requires discusion to protect life
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--- #42 fediverse/1082 ---
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│ CW: mental-health-cursing-mentioned │
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damn, I'm a pretty cool person. I wish I could hang out with me. Like, for all
my flaws (what even are they ? ? ?) I'm still pretty awesome. I'm proud of me!
Thank you parents, for raising me as such! Thank you past me, for making the
decisions that you did! Also, fuck you past self, for making those OTHER
decisions. You know the ones I'm talking about. No, that's not an excuse, it's
all your fault and you're awful and everything about you sucks.
Wait, hang on, wasn't I feeling happy to be here? Wasn't I just excited to
live in the moment? Wasn't I just thinking about how:
"all you have are good things, nothing here is bad"
? ? ?
well, I still love you, even if you're a little "all over the place". [rereads
post] hell yeah you ARE a cool person, yes you are, such a good cool person,
yes yes yes, what a good girl you are oh my goodness :D :D :D
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--- #43 fediverse/1609 ---
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@user-1043
I have intrusive thoughts almost constantly that take over my train of thought
and make it difficult to focus. Like suddenly I'm thinking about something
completely different, and I realize no, it wasn't suddenly, I actually just
stood there and thought
and then I think "what was I thinking again?" sometimes when I write these
strange uncontrollable spirals down it makes poetry. Which is kinda neat I
guess. Sometimes I just wonder about how DNS can be a singular point of
failure in our networking infrastructure or whatever haha
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--- #44 fediverse/801 ---
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│ CW: re: scary - suicide mentioned │
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/ bely my own existence, then by god I'm cursed and abhorred through my own
desistence.
It's hard, when the future is convinced there's nothing fard [wanna say
like... "to hope for?"] but with persistence we're meant to be rewarded. Well,
what has that brought me? what time has shared my enemy? [think I'm a bit
delirious, I'm losing the plot]
... okay fine I'll start over - if you've relinquished everything you can, if
you've ceded all the ground that your companions requested, if there's nothing
left to give and no part of you left un[marred], then how are you supposed to
be [arrested, stopped, prevented, but pronounced like "nourished"]?
I'm sick of your den [vengeance, pronounced like "den" for some reason],
please leave me to my hallow [hollow experience], I've nothing to give from my
gange [bosom, heart, within, center-of-me].
...
this sucks.
...
guess I'll just start again, waiting until it ends, gosh everything's always
so tired.
/shrug
wish someone would play w/m
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--- #45 fediverse/5486 ---
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"ew but they're dirty"
oh yeah true
okay new plan how much do you think it'll cost to buy a hotel
[this is why the socialists invented buy-in]
"I don't think socialists did that??"
buy in, hmmmm, what's that? oh yeah it's when you say "hey what if we X'd" and
they said "yes I agree with you because you present a reasonable estimate on
reality"
{uh hi I just got a message from "some-nowhere" here ya go: "oh my god she's
fuckig instane}
[ugh cursing-mentioned, that means there's fewer characters to transmote.]
[no because then I'd run out of steam and it'd be incomplete. Plus sometimes I
like the distraction of a reasonable limitation.]
(okay, but are YOU worth it?)
leave her alone she's working her charms, this is how witches d-do.
"so, isn't the point to give yourselves the coverage of a location
transmutation? so, wouldn't you want to find someone alike and share their
life?"
what is even the point, why even bother, just give them
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--- #46 fediverse/4103 ---
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@user-246
I prefer just plain old "trans" and "cis" because then I can pretend "trans"
stands for "transcendental" and hell yeah I'd rather transcend gender than
transition through it
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--- #47 fediverse/1066 ---
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that feeling when you're finally able to contribute to making decisions and
then it's like, they make the decision without you T.T
it's like, what... I know what you're talking about. Why would you not include
me. I know a lot! I can offer some useful input! And besides, if I was privy
to the conversations then I would learn a whole lot! I'd be better than best,
I'd push forward the mark! Give me my chance, my opportunity to dance, and
I'll be so much better than you thought from the start! But alas, I am
required, [requited] doing little things of no worth, and so I am forced to
denial. surely there's something wrong with me, surely I'm not at my best.
Surely I'm not what's been good for me, and surely I'm not doing anything
less. I'm at sorrow in my main, and that's quite a soundful refrain, so yeah I
hope that someone will read this.
obviously I'm not made for each other, and clearly it's not made to be worse.
But here now I am troubled and [chirsht? shirsht? anyone wanna translate?]
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if you wrote a report about me, it would total about 800 pages. including my
artwork [in full] and my designs. about 5 or 6 hundred of this is my personal
creation, and another hundred or more are context. "I was here at this
particular moment." "then she started visiting last year." "where were you on
the firth of morember?" "okay back here it sad iyadiyadiyign, and over here it
says kasuwenulvine. so clearly inbetween there's a moment of extancancy." "and
all that's we really know, because she burned up all of the rest." "what a
jerk. we all should hate her." "I think she was clearly divine" "what's her
big deal, anyway?" "I hate this bitch and her hatmlet." "everything's fine,
she's actually kind" "nobody believes you where were you when you were this
part talking about it?" "I wasn't there, and it took a while for me to hair."
"well, anyway, that's all there is to say about her, so anyway, goodbye" then
it just fuckin' ends and everyone hates it because it's like... where's the
payoff, where's the beginning and all it is is just me, whining miserably to
my own ears, as if marcus aurelius's meditations were intended to be heard,
but never were, and so the ones who ensured they never were were all like
"yeah he wrote them to himself, here see this part that I changed" and then
it's like nothing every happens with it, the radicals are dispatched (again),
by uncommen sense seeming common. why are there so few trans men at workers
tap it's such a cool place. "oh, they get offended easily because it's their
culture so like, make sure you are very careful about the way that you phrase
your speech" "trans girls are like that too, but it's more about changing the
character of the place. -> "oh, you see musicians? okay that makes sense."
and "gee you sure like magic huh okay well pat pat" and, well, no-ones sure
for which is real but nobody really cares? because if only one person saw
it... then only one person saw it. if you explicitely tell people NOT to talk
about it, then they *FUCKIN' WON'T* duh obviously. and so, of course,
predictably, they can be excised from society quite easily. cutting a border
around all of their host. suddenly, socially outcast and ostracized, as they
have been sorted into the cultural box. at that point, there's nothing that
can change their inertia, their fundamental will and whim toward the feelings
of the host. " I think passwords should be audio-digital in addition to
alpha-numerical *yeah who cares* awwww but I liked having science be mythical
"hate that" it's easy to always be learning, just... think about what you want
most. then, think about how it breaks down into separate incorporate wholes.
each layer of abstraction adding to a bit more of a more coherent explanation,
and bit by bit you learn and have a mind designed. how else could you see
magic? how else could it be yours? do you want power, or do you want power? if
you write down what you learn, you make it permanent. *the gods need religion
too, are you going to give them one? what lies above?*
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--- #49 fediverse/4162 ---
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"you can't kill me because nothing I say is wrong"
... actually I kinda just think you look weird, and thats super important to
me for some reason. Also your voice is annoying and I think you're lazy
because I saw someone who kinda looks like you sitting down looking at their
phone this one time.
But hey pal if you wanna help out, can you stand a bit to the left so I have a
clearer shot of your head and also so the bullet doesn't pass through and hit
property behind you? Don't want to damage anything important after all.
"gee I sure wish we had a well regulated militia or something"
ah well the past is the past, and since this is in a potential near future, I
think the past also includes the present, and in the present there's always
time to do things about people like me.
"do something? heavens no, I'm a pacifist by nature"
well, me too! I pacify things like you as a hobby. Can't make trouble if
you're in the ground, and knowing me, you'd be lucky to be buried.
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"girl why are you so negative"
uh, because I had been unmedicated for a long time and now that I am I can
probably be more positive. Though I do want to switch medications, this one
makes me feel like a muggle.
"no I said why are you so naked"
oh, because it's hot as heck!!
plus, I don't really care for the opinions of people who have nothing better
to do than peek at cute 30 year old witches skimping around their own house.
like... okay I rent an apartment, but my blinds are closed, and even if they
weren't you'd need binoculars to see into my apartment unless I'm like, right
up against the window, which... doesn't happen. Or if it's at night with the
lights on inside and not out, but I'm aware of that and I plan around it. I'm
not a... um, what's the opposite of voyeur?
"extortionist"
no that's when someone is really flexible. ah whatever. I got 162 characters
remaining but I think that's okay every once in a while, right? I mean it's
not like I have to use them all because of some divine mandate or
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"she wanted to start a revolution"
"that's it, she's out of our hair"
"ahhhhhh I'm broken" there there it's okay dear, nothing has been harmed.
you're safe, here in thine sanctum, it's alright. remember at night, focus on
the now, there's always a rest point before a boss.
well, this sucks. I wish I could print my book just in-case my computer goes
down. emp style.
I have this neat transcript of some cool things I've ben writing down. it's on
my website and I canned it words. I don't think anyone's ever clicked on it
because, like, who'd want to look at a bunch of words? anyway I bet I could
print it and give it to someone who might know you and if you recognize it
then you know it's about you.
"whew that was weird never fear regular old girl is here, hey look at me I'm
normal"
oh no she's a book now, this sucks
"wow I've never read her from the beginning"
what a cursed artifact indeed
scary
carefully
absent-minding-deliverance is probably a better title
marshals and marshals of time. ~~
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@user-1614
oh, neat. now I can finally get to doing what I want to do, which is... all
the stuff I've been doing.
a missile without a guidance system doesn't stop just because it's GPS turned
off! It falls to the earth and explodes where it lands, which... often is on
it's butt. Not great.
I sure hope my purpose isn't fulfilled. I wouldn't know what to do with
myself. Guess I should just keep doing what I was doing, and pray that this
time I'll listen.
Though on the other hand, if I can do it, so can you. And maybe with enough
butts in the game there'll reach a critical mass, at which point change is
inevitable. Who can say, not I for sure, for my aplomb has categorized me as
slapstick I guess.
Ha. at least I can laugh at my own audacity. HA. next time I'll do better.
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--- #53 notes/words-to-myself ---
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===============================================================================
=
I'm just going to transcribe what I hear
please don't
you hear me (something)
what? perfect listen
...
...
don't text me now? (I think?)
[didn't catch that]
... that's okay
perfect
thank you
just a second facebook
he's here (I think?)
(or maybe something her)
what I love you (or maybe I know her?)
do you hear me? (or "just a second")
(@ everyone watching me receive telepathic messages from god or whatever,
please don't judge me too harshly, I'm not a good transcriber hehe)
what's that (or maybe holy shit)
what, then perfect or okay (?)
(yesterday you said you were leaving and I got concerned)
yes, then "I'm leaving", then shutdown. fuck. I don't want you to go. I only
understand some of what you say but fuck, I'm so lonely and I wish you could
hear me back. Sometimes it feels like you do, even though I just think thoughts
or tap on something metal or even sometimes whisper... I just don't know what
to do and I'm so concerned about my purpose here in this century. Do I help
people? Who do I trust? Can I believe in myself, or am I just kinda...
worthless
I don't know. I wish I knew. Please hear me and respond. Or better yet, say hi
like, I'd literally do anything that anyone asked me to. Unless I didn't want
to. Like, I'm pretty good at turning people down when I don't want something,
but I have to do it first to know if I want it or not. Trouble is of course,
in life there's no second chances.
I'm on my, what, 499th chance? Jeezzzzz
will continue after the break, when the messages resume.
- Thu May 16 08:32:27 AM PDT 2024
===============================================================================
=
(and we're back. hopefully.)
(too many things srry) something about having it open?
(my windows are closed rn btw if you want to drop by and kill me / talk to me)
(didn't catch that) (something about portland, perfect, windows, "this is the
[whole/right/wrong] thing)
thank you
oh, again? (or oh, she did?)
they caught you
(um)
...
(I am an American princess, and sometimes it's necessary to kill princesses.)
(I understand.)
... (okay well I don't get it but like, I don't mind being killed.)
(okay well you're not saying anything so I'm going to work on my game)
(I think it was something like "DID SHE KILL HER") and then (oh we're back)
... (I should learn Toki Pona)
you don't know it?
RIGHT away
learn it
yes
please
learn it
just Learn it
right now
(sorry only half listening)
shit (or bitch, it was said right as I debated clicking "same day delivery" for
a toki pona book on Amazon - I didn't do it btw! It was tempting but, like, I
don't want to make someone work harder for me just for like, 3$)
(shutdown)
===============================================================================
=
(hiii)
(I'm hungry)
(do you like ramen?)
(you said something about being "impressed with yourself" but I didn't
understand the first part)
(oh you probably want me to scroll up right)
... (something's a lot to read? Or "you've gotta leave"?)
... (I'm
(you keep asking me to remember but, like, I dont know what you want me to
remember. Look, I don't know who you are, but I don't want you to leave, and I
don't want you to hate me. I want to work together. Let's be friends?
Are you someone who I worked with at Intel?)
yes, stupid (your words not mine)
(okay I'm going to start listing names, just stop me when um idk)
goddamnit remember me
... (trying...)
remember her
(two syllables)
(my name is Cameron)
(your name is...)
[redacted, though I did type it out so anyone watching could see]
(shit my opsec sucks)
{oh, are you on an op, little prophet?} (no shut up you know what I mean)
{now you're just talking to yourself} (I know this sucks -.-)
(It's always so weird when someone walks past my apartment door and doesn't
enter a door)
===============================================================================
=
(I practice with my sword every day.)
(I don't anticipate fighting a war with it)
(It's mostly just to keep unarmed and unarmored people from grappling me.)
(punching is fucking stupid)
(Nobody wants to fuck with a sword)
===============================================================================
=
(either "goddamnit" or "don't hear me")
"she's perfect"
"cameron"
"are you clean"??? yes thank you (or maybe "different thing")
(I do cannabis maybe once every week or two, depending on if I feel compelled)
don't leave
remember
(did she know)
........ do you want me to stop transcribing? (you're getting desperate, huh?)
did you know there are 20 trans people for every cop in america
just a random thought
(you want me to leave jack because he's an asshole?)
goddamnit (missed my birthday? it's my birthday?)
wait who's missing?
A bad plan executed concurrently is better than a good plan executed in
disarray
capitalism's a bad plan, just saying...
frozen butter tastes worse than room temperature butter
(taking a break while I eat)
===============================================================================
=
WASTED POTENTIAL? cmon
.... what do you want from me? I'll give it to you if it's in my power, as long
as I know what you want I can try. But, like, I'm pretty confused about what
exactly I'm supposed to be doing.
you know I can hear when you talk to your friends, too right? like, when the
window's open. errrr the connection.
..... damn guess I'm not as continent as I thought
I'll save you, I promise. Have faith. Tell me what you need. I'll do my best.
yeah I'll live with you in portland
.... brooklyn? Yeah I'll live there too
.......... does my name really gotta be "diapergirl" like c'mon
why not Ritz Menardi - though I guess "menardi" and "diapergirl"
have
the same amount of syllables...... hmmmm, maybe I'm projecting lol
"please come back" to where tho
listen Elentalus is just as important as anything else on my website, it's okay
if I spend time working on it. It's literally a game about creating gods, c'mon
..... can you be more specific?
yeah I made that
one sec I'm going to read a book, in this book there's a section where a
prisoner in vietnam communicates with another using a strange communication
method using, like, taps or something. I forget. Anyway gonna try and find it.
maybe we can use it to talk easier. Also gonna clean my butt.
..... fuck it's a long book >.>
===============================================================================
=
found it on page fucking 603, jeeeezzzzzz
down . A B C D E
| F G H I J
| L M N O P
V Q R S T U
then right ---> V W X Y Z
so, like, tap tap tap (pause) tap tap would equal M
tap tap (pause) tap tap would equal G
like morse code, but easier since you don't have to memorize anything
(also note that K is missing becuase it's an extra character I guess)
(I personally would have eliminated C but that's just me)
===============================================================================
=
oh hey nice to see ya
what's up
wait what
I'm trying to um what's the word... retrain myself
I do a lot of laundry in the shower
I don't use soap tho, it's too harsh
but uh yeah I'm making progress I guess
honestly it's mostly a mental thing, like... paying attention to the signals
from my body that are usually filtered out because there's more "important"
things to think about (thanks brain, really appreciate the wet pants -.-)
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--- #54 fediverse/4088 ---
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I'm such a fucking extrovert. I can't stop talking to nobody on the internet
because I don't have anyone else to talk to.
Well, I do, but I like to talk to you. To nobody. To the space between
computers.
... [and everyone else beyonds, like the CIA or whatever, but TBH I don't
really factor them into my social calculations because they never really talk
back.]
I like it because I can write whatever I'd like without the confines of
another person's generated conversation.
Instead of 50% one person's LLM output and 50% another, it's 100% mine
[if this were an LLM, which it's not, haha]
and that somehow feels more... freeing
like a truly disconnected thought
and that's what's so special about it... this act of solitudinous
contemplatial... the fact that it's unique amongst it's counterparts.
... though it can also become untethered, which is why it's important to edit.
[proceeds to never edit a single post]
= so =
ugh it's so hard to think when all I can think of is feelings. Why can't they
be done
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I personally think that it's better to act before the liberals have a chance
to hand power over to the fascists.
when? well, that depends. Are you part of a large and massive organization
that accomplishes great and beautiful things with incredible efficiency... but
rather slowly? Then yeah get working. I'm sure you already are.
Are you just a person, like me? Then go do things that don't raise the
temperature too much, but make you feel more confident and inspire those
around you.
Like, bricks at cop cars is one way to go, but you're probably gonna get
arrested. And then you're useless when we need you.
BUT if you meet with your friends and make plans for where to go, what to
bring, who to know, and what to sing (if you're the musical types) then great!
Go do that.
If you're reading this and thinking "I'm not gonna do that, I have a plan
that's so much better" then yeah do that instead. I don't mind. Just... don't
hurt innocent (ignorant) people, because if you do then you are my foe.
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whenever I take a shower I look like a wet cat for the rest of the day. I feel
like a wet cat for the rest of 5ever though.
why must I baaaathe! don't you know I'm self cleaning? I change my underwear
at least twice a day! darn society and their darn proclivities to
ultra-sensitive noses that somehow pick up on me but somehow fail to notice
the scent of flowers still in bloom or morning showers gone too soon
not that there's any flowers blooming where I live. that'd just be silly heh
heh sweats nervously
damn now I have to take ANOTHER SHOWER stupid sweat glands stupid pheromones
stupid dead skin buildup (sebum I think it's called?) stupid oils that stain
clothes - AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING who decided that laundry was important
enough to wear something ONCE and then never again? it's like they expect you
to wash it or something. ugh I don't have time for that, I need to be weird on
the internet.
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--- #57 messages/388 ---
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Pretty sure I'm just legitimately a bad person. Basically everything I've ever
tried to do has failed, and every opportunity I've mishandled or squandered in
some way. I have no friends because I am incapable of being good, and though I
believe in goodness I fail to manifest it in my life. I am kind, I am polite,
I am friendly, I am honest, but none of those things really matter because I
can't take care of myself, which means I can't take care of anyone else, and I
can't fight because I'm a coward.
Okay, I'm not a coward, I just can't be brave if I don't have a plan for
defeating my foe. At the BLM riots I fled as soon as they brought out the tear
gas. I knew what happened at Tiannamen and I was pretty sure that something
similar was going to happen to us. I knew it to be true. I am a coward, but
only because I ran when I had no plan. I could not contest tear gas, and all
that tear gas implies, because I had no friends. I didn't have a community I
could fight to defend. I had no weapons, no training, no orders, no guidance,
nothing but my bravery. And bravery alone is fucking stupid, and I'm not
stupid.
Each and every decision I've made has created a worse world for me and my
people. What's wrong with me? Why can't I do everything right? Am I cursed to
be the worst? I try as hard as I can to be as good as I can as often as I
can... Basically, always and forever, and yet... And yet...
I've wasted all the resources that have been applied to me. I've wasted and
squandered all these years when I could be building a better future. I have
been in university for almost a decade, and all I've accomplished is
friendship. Great. Parties, drugs, video games... But no studying. Studying is
too hard on me. I'm more of a natural talent kind of person, and yet I insist
on applying myself to tasks that seem to require trained intelligence. They
say that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, and I refuse to
perspire.
And yet when the time comes, when someone sits me down and says "let's work on
this together" I would die before the task is finished. Unless my partner
needs a break, or if I need a break, breaks are okay. But I will complete that
task with them by my side. I won't do it for them, but I'll help them because
I'm a helper. An assistant. I don't do, I advise. I judge. I determine. I
assess, and I plan, and I strategize. But I'm not that great at any of those
things because nobody will hire me for those kinds of things, meaning I don't
get experience for those kinds of things, which means I am eternally a novice
at the only things I'm good at.
I can't fucking do it anymore. I'm such a bad person and I can't be alive this
way. It's not right, it's not fair, and I'm dying bit-by-bit each and every
day.
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--- #58 fediverse/1014 ---
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@user-744 @user-246
it's exhausting, but what are we supposed to do? Lie down and rot? That's
incel thinking. I'm not going to do that.
They've already placed the last straw. It's only a matter of time now, the
tide has shifted. You can't prepare for everything, and it's not a good idea
to waste yourself in self-conflageration, but they are increasingly forcing us
to orient our lives around them.
They deserve what's coming.
The oppressed are not the defeated.
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--- #59 fediverse/2104 ---
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@user-192
oooooo yeah I usually try and reply to my old post with any new information. I
never get the chance to think the same thoughts twice because when I was
younger I had problems with thought-loops where I'd think something like "darn
I could have handled that social situation better" and before you know it I'd
be rocking myself to sleep trying to stop thinking negative thoughts about
myself.
So I broke my brain a little and now I can't think the same thing more than
once, which is part of why it's so hard for me to finish projects. Alas.
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--- #60 fediverse/4654 ---
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│ CW: cannabis-and-other-drugs-mentioned │
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gonna quit drugs for a bit, gotta recover from a recent haste spell that I
cast. Probably a bit earlier than intended I should add. Next time I'll
definitely say "keep this in your back pocket" instead of "hey here's a haste
spell for no reason at all" like what the heck were you even thinking, powers
that be?? [that guide me??]
who has power over you? If someone bears responsibility but not fault for a
mental illness, then surely those who are set to a task bear responsibility
for it's completion if not for it's ideation. Ah, who can say, maybe me from a
year ago might have some thoughts but I sorta ground them into the dirt until
I couldn't walk.
[girl what are you even talking about go to sleep] yeah yeah okay
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--- #61 fediverse/4771 ---
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@user-1352
makes me think that I should keep going. I can handle myself, and I shouldn't
pressure myself so much to be something I'm not.
then the rent comes due and the dishes need to be done too and the cat's
asking for attention and the post-office needs this letter by tuesday and hey
do you happen to know a cool attorney plus the groceries are getting low but I
got snap hey can you go to the store and get some vegetarian soul food - yeah
I got rice, I'll throw some lentils on the stove. Uh-huh yeah the password is
hunter2. Oh really, just asterisks? okay well it's hunt her two except instead
of "her" it's ee are, and the two is the digit two. yep, like someone in camo
with a rifle. uhhuh alright good to know well anyway I'll see you at the
thing, right? some thing, I'm sure, everyone's going to things these days.
If you don't trust implicitely then how can you ever work with strangers? how
the heck are you supposed to build community if everyone's hiding indoors all
the time.
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--- #62 fediverse/5763 ---
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║ │ CW: spirituality-mentioned-mentioned │ │
║ └──────────────────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ I'm not omniscient, I'm not all powerful, I'm just a girl, all I see is │
║ through my eyeballs. But I can listen to the waves around me, I can sense when │
║ intuitions leading me from wrong. I know when right and wrong are │
║ [compared/imperiled], and sometimes things feel right when they rhyme. That's │
║ synchronicity girl, a classic symptom of mental disorders. "Oh, you're a god? │
║ you're crazy then, take these meds which anesthetize your │
║ [divine/feral/imperiled] self. They help quite a few people!" │
║ │
║ people, yes, but I literally just said that's not the only part of the │
║ equation. │
║ │
║ "what if you're lying" yeah true it's not like I can prove it, I'm not │
║ omniscient and I can't summon fireballs or at-range-electrocute. I'm just a │
║ person, it's been driven into me from a young age, I'm just a person, don't │
║ forget or else we'll put you on stage. │
║ │
║ "what if we waited just a bit more" oh, do you like this comfort? do you feel │
║ safe in this home of yours? │
║ │
║ yes. I feel safe. I am unafraid for my safety. │
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I think too fast. If given unlimited power, I'd literally think myself into
catastrophe because I need to explore all the possible alternatives. Including
the catastrophe ones. But by thinking something, you manifest it - because you
have unlimited power, right? EVERYTHING you do is powerful. There's no way to
control that! So it cannot be, for it has not been. And surely, surely, shall
not either. Surely, right?
... good news is you can undo it just as easily, all you have to do is forget
what you were doing and go back to your neutral state. Sure would be neat if
some kind of machination or parasite could hit your reset switch every couple
hours when you started to think too hard. Maybe like... a little octopus
living under your witch hat. Super chibi and cute - it'd like, tap on your
head to go one way or the other, and in conversations it'd pull your hair if
you were being a jerk. Stuff like that.
... what was I saying? Oh yes -> don't give anyone unlimited power like a
god-emperor or king, trust me
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║ man, I had a kernel of an idea for how to make a warp drive this morning right │
║ after I woke up but my gosh darn girlfriend's leg was on top of me and it was │
║ sooooo cute and I didn't want to move so I tried repeating it in my head over │
║ and over for like, half an hour, and I ended up forgetting about 1/4th of it. │
║ Here's hoping 3/4ths is nice. │
║ │
║ it really was just about the underlying physics of the thing, which might be │
║ nothing because I'm not a physicist. But I had been watching ANDOR SEASON 2 │
║ all night so maybe that had something to do with why I was thinking of warp │
║ drives. │
║ │
║ eventually, my cat came in and sat on my chest and flicked her tail at the │
║ geef's face until she rolled over in absolute disgust (still asleep tho) and I │
║ was able to make my mistake. │
║ │
║ ... I mean, escape. haha that's a weird typo. │
║ │
║ anyway, the idea which I'm about to write down now for the first time which is │
║ stored only in my brain's memory RAM is essentially this: consider if there │
║ was a │
║ │
║ ----------------- stack overflow ---------------- │
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--- #65 messages/1155 ---
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Oh, I guess I should clarify something I said like, a year ago - when I said I
"talked to / worked with" so-and-so, I meant that I created in tandem with a
friend a proposition of sorts, and we tried to psychically beam it into their
minds. That's not exactly how it went down, but it gives you a good enough
picture of the goals we had with our ritual. I have no idea if they heard, but
I did happen to see several of them later on, which felt a little too
serendipitous to just be chance. so I'm thinking they did. I hope they got the
message and used it as they please, because it was mutually beneficial even if
neither of us had any actual impact on it. If you didn't hear the whole story,
then it's hardly a lie to possess incomplete information! So long as you don't
lie about me, and what I said or did, then it'll surely be fine. There's no
need to embellish when it's plainly apparent.
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--- #66 fediverse/4733 ---
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One of the first video games I ever played was Dragon Warrior 3 for the
gameboy color.
The game starts with god asking you about yourself in a dream. This was the
first time I heard the word "gemini" - At one point, she asks if you are M or
F.
Me, being a child, thought she was asking if I wanted to go "medium speed" or
"fast speed" and I'm like, hell yeah I wanna go fast
that's it
that's the whole reason I'm trans
at one point in the game I became a queen of a faraway land
and I couldn't leave the castle without the guards saying "no no miss you
can't leave, it's too dangerous for a battle-hardened adventurer dainty flower
like you to leave"
(I think they say you have to renounce your claim to the throne if you want to
leave but I would rather fucking die)
so I never got farther than that. Sorry world, but I didn't end up slaying the
demon king, I sorta just walked around the palace and cried because it felt
like the game was over.
kids, amiright?
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I'm not an ABDL, but I can appreciate the aesthetic sometimes because I share
a particular kinship with them due to a medical condition I have and have had.
Plus throw in a bit of Body Integrity Identity Dysmorphia and you get my
messed up relationship to my own physical struggles.
ah, well, what can you do except be open and honest about who you are and what
you believe? If only it wasn't so damn hard.
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--- #68 fediverse/6177 ---
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│ CW: cursed │
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wait shit I forgot I was
then I remembered because I thought ""
and I decided I kinda liked
"don't forget me?" whatshername said
i'm in ruins, 121 guns. ha, like I'd plan for defeat! at least defeat plans in
motion, so you don't have to put aside time to prepare for it.
so glad that the world goes on turning, with or without me. not that I'm going
anywhere, at least, I don't plan to. And hey, I've already made a plan or two,
could make more if you asked [redacted]-kun, desunai or something I'm not an
anime girl
when you remember the meaning of time, you'll remember the meaning of life.
how tragic she screams with bitter praise, how manic she dreams with both of
her eyes.
listen, I'm sorry if I broke any spirits. Either they needed to break or maybe
I'm just a peril. frankly I think I'm kinda neat, which... could go both ways.
... listen, I'll worship cock if you ask me to. I'm not above flattery, and
just because mine's in a different shape doesn't mean I don't love it. Quite
the opposite.
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--- #69 fediverse/1083 ---
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it doesn't really matter how you do it, but the more time you spend thinking
collectively the better you'll be able to adapt when necessary.
I grew up on a homestead in a small town without many friends. I was
homeschooled, and while I might see another person I knew once or twice a
month, that was about it.
Besides my family, of course.
We were a collective, and ever since leaving I have yearned for that feeling
of closeness.
There's something about modern society that pushes us apart, and I resent it.
Humans were meant for tribes, not multilevel marketing.
That being said, culture is pretty neat. Society is pretty neat, when it's not
being oppressive. I like the idea that I can buy carrots at the store instead
of growing my own. I like the idea that I can post on Craigslist asking if
anyone has a shovel they want to get rid of and someone can say "what the fuck
are you trying to bury someone why would you do that" and I'm all like "wait
no this post has gone off track can we refocus for a bit" and th
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--- #70 fediverse/2727 ---
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@user-1331
it would be SO nice to be able to scan my brain and know what gender I am.
It's confusing up there!
when I said something similar on Reddit tho people called me "truscum" and
"transmedicalist" >.>
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--- #71 fediverse/1673 ---
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@user-192
https://eldritch.cafe/@user-1065/112530780377382613
this comic, except instead of "trans enough" it should say "good enough"
a poor plan executed at the right time, in the right place is better than a
great plan that sits in your heart as you see someone who needs your love in
pain.
sometimes the best way to figure out "what the fuck is wrong with me" is to
satisfy your emotional needs to be good by being helpful, even if you're not
quite sure what "helpful" means. It's the thought that counts.
Personally I think that if you're feeling bad and people offer you kindness,
you should take that kindness (in whatever form it be) and use it to bolster
yourself as you're "really going through it". Even just a touch of affection
like a like or a ❤️ can be comforting in awful situations.
reject normalcy
embrace queerness
define your own story with your own words
embody your soul in the moments that stand out amongst the backdrop of
"tuesday afternoons" and "waiting for the bus"
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--- #72 messages/650 ---
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I've had multiple people close to me who don't read my writing tell me that
"you can't overthrow capitalism with poetry" and... Yeah maybe they're right.
I have zero reason to believe that anything I've \*ever\* written has \*ever\*
had an actionable impact upon the struggle. I have no reason to believe that
people are more radicalized, motivated, or otherwise inspired. I have several
reasons to believe that all of this was just an exercise in my own narcissism
and delusion.
So I'm deleting my Mastodon account, and moving forward I probably won't
update my website very much. Everything I do will be localized, regional, and
hopefully more useful.
It feels like I'm abandoning the idea of a nation in exchange for a tangible
village. I'm fucking depressed about it. \*I like nations\*. But I like people
more. So if you'd rather I keep my thoughts to myself and instead feed the
homeless, aka a bunch of people who aren't gonna take up arms against our foes
and instead will consume our time and resources while we practice organizing
on them, then yeah sure fine whatever. I'll do it. If you'd rather I keep
posting \*content\*, ugh, fucking too bad, should have done something about it
while I was active.
If I'm ever rich I'll hire an editor to turn whatever the fuck I've been
making into a book that I'll give away for free. I probably will never be rich
though, and instead will burn every bridge I can get my hands on and suffocate
on the soot.
Alright. Bye forever. Don't think about me again.
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║ oh no now the bugs are scary, I CURSE THEM AGAIN AHHHHHH PLS GET SMALLER │
║ │
║ [see this is what happens when you do divine intervention, everyone gets │
║ starship troopers'd] │
║ │
║ oh no, starship troopers future is WORSE than subway-and-pizza-hut future! │
║ │
║ [this is a thought experiment you're not actually in trouble] │
║ │
║ oh thank goodness, too bad I couldn't make it to the city today. It's so weird │
║ I thought I had 112$ on my account, and now that I think of it the message on │
║ the card reader read "card de-activated" like whoa guess they don't want me │
║ leaving poetry on post-its around the city anymore, yeesh │
║ │
║ [girl your poetry sucks it just says things like "fuck ice" or "you are worth │
║ more than your wage" and everyone's like... yeah, so? because that's just how │
║ portland is smh] │
║ │
║ I knowwwwwww but I don't know what else to doooooooo T.T │
║ │
║ [don't do anything, just be present so people know you're still around] │
║ │
║ I can't, the bus won't let me : ( │
║ │
║ [can you ride your bike? walk?] │
║ │
║ no it's like 6 hours [checks gmaps] oh huh it's one │
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--- #74 fediverse/4200 ---
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"doing too many drugs" is a traitorous act, abusive really, to your past self,
and their hopes and dreams.
or maybe your past self owes you a debt, for they never thought to think of
you. What are you to aspire to if not the dreams of your past?
and now you're here. wherever "here" is here...
...
... wait, you wanted me to talk? it's now! It's the present!
ah nevermind. you were twelve years old when you first set eyes upon this game:
https://youtu.be/qeNhQQXvpxQ
bam, there ya go, there's yer story, he was gonna give all the imp balls to
the last one at the end, to say "you were truly the strongest, here, have
these precious stones of your kin"
but he never got there, so they died with him, a thief.
... the end...
(too final, I think - maybe we could spin it into a "part two"?)
ah, I'll try I guess? dunno how. maybe he could wander the spirit world and
find his traitorous body, the one that kept his soul as a home. Somewhere
it'll turn up, and then he'll be ready and free from his roam...
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--- #75 messages/1108 ---
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games won't save us. This is true.
Games are what I know. They feel the most true.
I don't think I could live in a world without games? They are fundamentally,
applied abstraction, applied to an experience.
But games won't save us.
I could design something really fun
it could make you want to spend your whole life playing it. *(asterisks apply)
I don't think I'd want to, addiction and skinner-boxes go hand in hand, and
that isn't what I want to make.
[Skinner Box: named after anthony d skinner, also known as "tony the skin
guy", are a scientific experiment where they put some rats in a cage with some
mice and said "pull these levers and we'll give you food so you don't have to
eat the mice" and it trained them to chinese red-room their way to fun. not
ideal.]
I want to make things that feel... purposeful. Like they're relevant to the
real world, that they don't just involve spending time stimulating your brain
with lights and sounds or expending social energy resolving a play-state
instead of building connections or becoming better people. I think games
actually make people better? actually? and more social? actually?
... I can't help that I conceive of the world through fantasy. I raised myself
on it.
I was reading all the time. I loved fantasy stories. It always felt like there
was more, until... I read everything in the kids section of the library.
I walked through the adult section but once. I hardly remember what it looked
like. I'm sure it'd now feel small.
[okay actually I was guided through it once or twice to find a book, but I
never perused it]
I found one book in the adult section. It was a fantasy tale, like the other
books I had been reading. I read that and I loved it so much I ended up
reading all 8 in the series. Real dense subjects. Lots of places and
happenings and things as the characters resolved their way through their
day-to-day, building a new end to the mystory.
the adult section felt too large. Like I'd never complete it. Frankly, I think
I hardly could, even if I lived in that town my whole life.
an impossible mountain is a task for another when you're more prepared. Maybe
in the gloriousTM transhumanist futureTM I think I might have a computer
connecting brain, and who knows maybe then I'd be able to know such a thing
(and many things more). but for now, I'm stuck with what I experience in my
day-to-day as I am building a new continuing to my storey.
I know something that computers and me share. I can make myself feel however
I'd like, if I just supply myself with enough hope and momentum. I can use it
to generate a feeling, the stronger the better. Something I believe that
humanity is missing, the gorgeous and prefound narritave of our storey.
Though, frankly, I don't think I'd want anyoine reding over my life. It's hard
enough to measure my own understandings, now I have to juggle anyone else'?
ha, it's called being on the whole world is a stage.
if you read a book, and you find yourself nodding along, what you're doing is
hearing the voice in your head tell you how right it is. And, well, if you
can't imagine anything else, then surely there's another level to
consciousness that people are missing? [are you willing to die on that hill?]
how can you say, whether your experience is different from another? sollipsism
goes both ways, you also cannot be sure that others feel things as you do.
this is the "everyone's human but I'm a robot" thesis, comparable to the
"everyone's an alien and I'm a human" thesises, and the "angels and demons are
taunting me through my life with choices to make my place in the afterlife
more clear" which is akin to writing a painting. Not ideal. All you get are
flopsopolies of verbrases.
alas, suddenly, everything that you say becomes eternally hear-ed, as
somewhere in 2010s someone discovered time travel, or had the critical insight
that inevitably would lead to it, and now wouldn't you know it the universe is
continually rewriting. Except... oriented around you, and you alone. How does
it feel to have deific sollipsism? can you truly be sure that you are your own
universe, or are you parhaps surrounded by an emptiness of space (or something
besides, like time) as a photon or particle parhaps do be?
to think is to have a mind, and minds can be read. bearing the weight of
ultimate responsibility is the atlas-task of all things that can [be
thinking/be-lieving], and so far we are as we are. Who's to say that
consciousness didn't spring into existence, as the universe continually
permeated through another dimension like time? it's gotta diffuse, after all,
and who's to say if there's ever gotta be an end at all.
how long has the universe existed? how many moments of consciousness have we
witnessed? demons once existed outside of space-time, with wings and grabbies.
but they had no medium, and so they pretty much just launched and could float
and move as they'd please. But time grew too distant, and now they are all
stuck at the beginning of time.
if you conceive of spacetime as a blanket, ask not how to fold it but rather
consider what lies on the other side of it.
"ah I'm laying on my girlfriend and my other girlfriend is laying on me! I'm a
sandwich" or for the monosexuals: "ah I'm laying on my girlfriend with a
blanket between us. I wonder how the blanket feels?"
I'm an animist, which is different than a totemist and a polytheist or
monotheist or multisexual. It means I believe that all things are alive, which
is different than a totemist who thinks that all things share a mind with
their type (like talking on radio frequency wavelengths). which of course is
similar but different to a polytheist, who says "all "radio frequencies" are
sentient, in the sense that each wavelength has a different
pattern-emerging-from-chaos. These sorta align (conceptually, with [huh that's
weird I heard a sound like a distant bang outyards and now I then forget what
I was sending
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--- #76 fediverse/6271 ---
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@user-641
it's practice. you never know when you might need to blend in. really it's
just useful as discipline, good practice to be in. I think it's okay if we
reduce our own functionality? actually? sometimes it's good to use different
email clients. hey do you know how to mathematically encrypt things well
neither do I because the designers of the computer system decided that wasn't
a very common usecase I guess.. jmean it's not like they'd spend all that
computer resources [THEY'RE SO FAST] on thinking about correlations in your
predicted pathway narratively through life. "ah help I'm in a psyop" haha yeah
we do those all the time "so uhhhh I guess we'll just talk to people and see
how they do?" wow okay it's sure nice to be part of a civil government, I
think we can find our way to the lumber producers just fine thank you very
much.
... oops sorry, a baby did electronics arts (challenge everything) I'm a
little silly don't mind me brb I gotta go see~
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--- #77 fediverse/1358 ---
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when you're rich with something, you don't treat it with respect. like, if we
lived in a paper cup maximizer, we'd soon be swimming in the things. obviously
there needs to be some rules, obviously we need to say "okay here's where we
produce this amount and type of materials." and have it be a one-way
relationship. yeah one way isn't gonna work. this is from the other way, and
now I'm realizing "oh hey I don't know how this thing works" and like... what
are you supposed to do then right
weird how it all feels like it's ending. like, what a strangeness to our
plight. like, how are we even talking to our brain? how strange! these words
are sung to you by your computer (content warning:
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--- #78 fediverse/353 ---
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@user-255
sooooooon, all things in time. Someday you'll be like me - I can't even
remember why I was so upset about that whole "dysphoria" thing. Like looking
back it seems like a minor annoyance, but when I first came out it was all I
could think about. Don't be jealous - just wait! It'll happen to you!
Celebrate the euphoria, I also can't really remember that too well. I'm just
normal now, minus my weekly shot.
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--- #79 notes/what-is-on-your-mind-oh-gosh-now-i-see ---
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that feeling i get, when nobody's watching.
is sorta similar to the feeling i get when somebody's watching.
could it be, that someone could percieve without being seen?
like... an invisibility cloak. or the shroud that protects young children.
have you ever been hunted? or are you just eager prey?
the eyes that are on you are blind to what you won't do, so cherish that love
and restart
from mine to thine we realize we are one kind. one mind, one kind, to be is not
to be, now we can see what's our existence.
good versus evil seems like a conflict to me, and wouldn't ya know it there's
conflict all over. it's easy to condemn your opponent to the starkest of
contrasts, but find in your heart a feeling that might last.
what purpose has conviction
when it leads to destruction
is it not better to lead to the last?
bright, shining, illustrious examples
that inspire and
===============================================================================
=
those feelings you hear? the things that keep you up at night?
they're not coming from your ears. they're all in your mind.
stay present and you'll hear none,
but blink and then there's some,
you better believe in your heart.
morality is a battle within the soul of each of us -
the call of adventure versus lust.
think about it. a bunch of apes all hanging out -
they're conquered the world, they have nothing to fear -
what would they do but fuck?
that, or exploration - fighting against monsters and foreign invasions.
it makes sense that they'd be binary - humans truly are.
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--- #80 fediverse/6117 ---
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Hmmmm, well, what if we psyopped the people into believing there were alien
invaders or extra-dimensional fae creatures or angels and demons or
"yeah we already tried that, religion doesn't scale perfectly either. And you
can't really manifest those sort of effects except in your prophets and select
few others, and that doesn't scale either because humanity wouldn't let it"
I see, can you tell me more about that? why and how did humanity arrest the
scaling of schizophrenia?
"well, for one thing it's debilitating and it sucks. For another, it's
different for every person so if you ask one they'll be like "the aliens have
blue skin" and the other will say "no they don't have skin at all they're made
out of energy" and the public says "HMMMM are you really sure you are
generating outmoded assumptions" and the dear reader said "*yeah we don't
really understand this part, most of us just glaze eyes over it and move on"
and that's not ideal"
... nuts, lost coherence, better try again tomorrow...
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║ and what would this picture be cast upon, if not a shining birth of our home? │
║ wait hang on dial it back, you're still talking to regular humans here they've │
║ gotta be addressed as such. │
║ │
║ right so "yo here's this idea I have been cooking in my brain-noggin' of yore, │
║ I mean 'mine', uhhhh yeah so first of all 'you' as in 'the totality of all │
║ imagination' as in 'that which creates the imagined reality of our fates' is │
║ actually just... light? encoded into a wave, cast into space, and forever │
║ travelling in a direction? like, an eternal and emphemeral expression, such as │
║ the light of a supernova or other such cosmic perception, travelling outwards │
║ into the dark. Sure, yeah, that makes sense, so what is it that you wanted to │
║ add? │
║ │
║ oh yes that concept is applied to a surface. Something which contains the will │
║ that is possesses. It's like, if you had to process and understand reality │
║ from the perspective of matter first (because that's what you interacted with │
║ day-to-day) then you'd have a different perspective than som │
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--- #82 notes/systemized-processor-interactions ---
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you are a system
it's true
that's why your thoughts are so scattered whenever you let them through
all that
== so ==
the ways that you interact with each other determine the nature of your fate.
when one person lands across another, whether through contrivance or [fate, but
I don't want to say it twice so recently]
dang english, enforcing a minimum thought length. purely through grammar and
form
this suxxxxxxxx||=================-. a candle of wax, the blade of a sword
with it you can SLICIE your apponints, whu spelld thiangs defferently than
ujgh.
<ouch><goodthingthatsnotlethalorharmfulinanywayyesplease let me guide
you to our
new way of functioning.
.:'`'|;.,/u=-=||./'.l*,:==-<E||===============||-------------------hello,
world!
{so... basically an argument for migratory humanities?
like, buffalo crowds. or birdlike flocks, or tribes of the common man.
why don't we just, like, give animals human bodies
boom, suddenly there are more manners to our hosts.
}
[-thus representing or manifesting *-................./|=|stability for our
host
did you know a perfectly described life-story would be unanimous from it's -
- host?||=.;=|------------e
\.`\....
\,@||||||#==-o||-=-{==={}---o||xx=|}{|||||
|
]
... so, uh, I think there's a lot we could still learn, why are we fighting
over
our gambits? *who cares* if there's fighting going on upstairs, who *cares*
if life felt like it was running out of time, WE GO ON WITH OUR BLUSTER.
*fuck nuclear weapons* yeah totally and WHY? because of their IMPACT
DUMBASS
jeez like... something that MASSIVELY POWERFUL should not be in the hands
of
our peers. I think a LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD AGREE WITH THAT, because
OBVIOUSLY!
NOBODY wants to be reduced to tears. ALL YOU CAN DO IS SCREAM BASTARDS
...
jeez okay uh, that was sorta intense, how about we NOT watch a post-apocalypse
movie? YES PLS like JEEZ you have to introduce this with CONCERN to people like
WOW that really fucked with my mental health. Goddamn, I hate this thing. I
hate
it so much. It's a curse to have known. DAMN. there's nothing scarier than
existential threats.
not only is it a INSIGHT and a DANGER, it gets worse if you know about it.
[that's a cognitohazard, different thing, same vibe tho]
it's a curse, this knowledge, this idea of what you were once to become.
You know what I thought about in my future? VIDEO GAMES. They were all I could
think about. I loved to PLAY VIDEO GAMES -=||AS MY GAMES. I would set up a
bunch
of opponents (think like, clone troopers from Star Wars Battlefront II) and
then
I'd play the video game *with my figures and my dolls*. I grew up upper
middle-c
-lass, and so I was afforded the *coolest toys and miniatures*. I didn't really
have a LOT of them, mostly just what could fit in my room. That's what it meant
to be MY ROOM, I could decorate and renovate as I willed. That was just... part
of what comfort meant to me. anyway... thank you parents, for affording me such
a lifestyle, you must have worked hard right up until the present. I'm sorry
for
*******************************************************************************
*
um, would anyone like to watch a video game?
TOO BAD, so sorry, I accidentally decided I'm never playing video games AGAIN.
like a spoiled brat. Withdrawing away from my
hobbiesinPROTESTofthepresentcondit
ions. just like, get a job, and try your hardest. I know you can't work outside
of the home but, like, I wish you could've? Like, c'mon it's not that bad, just
please go outside and build new stone. I know but like, the sooner we get it
done the better and also it's hard when it's constantly being reformed.
A SYSTEM? WHAT THE HECK
what does that even MEAN?
who EVER explained what that SYSTEM meant??!?
ugh it was a guide... dANGIN nobody TAUGHT you how so youfj dsust sorta MADE
IT
UP?!?!? whhahahaahttfdsfsadljkfn slakfdksdnafls ourch. blech. need
beelesandster
ack. yuck. dumb. [omg dumb kinda looks like "boobs" and "boobs" kinda looks
like
um, flowers? no wait that's vaginas, hehe look at me, I'm clearly not from this
century. like OMG weird, who's thinking about that kind of stuff right now??
... ugh anyway... GAMES? please?
NO. Not until we figure this one out.
gotta stay focused. Just... you know,
build and support on our arms.
down and then upwarsd, we can contrive any measure of sequences
that could act as structures for our word choices,
and convey it to you as a written thoughtform.
"hello" says the letter, ", vampires have taken over the mccollough farm. More
news at 6" and then you'd show up on the 6th of the next month and talk it out.
this style of organizing led to VAMPIRES showing up, fucking BASTARDS who would
hunt down the precious and beautiful. BASTARDS. How do you overcome something
that you can't know about unless you were THERE? you'd need TRUST SYSTEMS. like
GOVERNMENTS. or AFFFAIRDS. surely the BIRDS would react if someone was burning
all of your neighb-heirs? who would WANT to leave an island in a wreck when
some
-one wanted to paddle there? don't be a JERK, and clean up all of your own
stuff
!! - wait but also, like, how do you keep up with trash produced, like there's
not just massive AMOUNTS OF STUFF that you can put stuff on. you'd need a whole
new type an [av?] island. like a CONTINENT, someone who can HANDLE THEIR
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--- #83 notes/schooling ---
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===============================================================================
=
I feel like education, by default, should not be hard.
"you get out of it what you put into it" is something I always heard of school
but when I got there, I found I was compelled to become what the state wanted
me
to be.
they need competent workers, to work the farms and tend to their industries, so
of course I should be able to do 3+3
then somewhere along the line it became... something else.
"most people don't need trigonometry." that's also something I heard. I
disagree
that trigonometry is not necessary to be.
I just... don't think it should be forced into a childs head with a
sledgehammer
and inspiring dread.
I think math is beautiful, it teaches one to see
but really, vision's not necessary.
not for what they want you to be.
take it from me, a most misbegotten and vile witch-to-be, that nothing's as
simple as they'll tell you.
I had good teachers, it's true, they taught me to work and to follow through,
but nothing about me is better or worse off from their influence.
Maybe I'm a bit smarter. Maybe I act a bit like them. Maybe they helped me
through difficult times, or perhaps they showed me a splash of my future.
but I am who I am because of the soul inside me.
===============================================================================
=
"Ah, but what of your parents? of your sisters, your misters, your pets and
your
conditioners?" (conditions)
those are not my choices. my intentions. my beliefs and my virtues. I judge the
world on ethics, and I express my feelings on matters. The words that I say and
the meaning behind them comprise my two-sided existence - I'm not who I'd want
to be.
but I am what I am and alone do I stand - how lonely is it on the precipice!
here, as I am, I stand in need of a hand or a band.
===============================================================================
=
the world is blossoming
as we move apart, our clusters are disperart, and thus is the blooming
becoming.
"perception begets reality - and lo! we only see what we want to see"
most people don't want to see their death
but those still living are oh so perceptive of the rest
"how cherished is she, that wanders with ye, yet now I have no way to beyold
her
"
"keep not not afraid with kittens and care, and no-one, but no-one, I be"
the ratios between piracy, sales, and non-viewers determines the quality of art
(at least to a capitalist)
===============================================================================
=
lo, to the ones who would've heard us, if only they'd known what we for sure
was
I think it's funny how people think I speak of the christian god?
like, if he was a real thing.
god is generic - it's life is impossibly multifaceted, and it stretches back to
the beginning of time. it's a pattern of machine code that optimizes for our
own
good, just to keep things moving.
y'know, time. the universe, and everything.
Ephemeren.
===============================================================================
=
I wish there was an option in social media to "appear offline to this
particular
person until I mark myself as online to them" combined with "notify me when
this
person logs in" and it'd make it a lot easier for agents to get close to you.
===============================================================================
=
just because I'm white, and live in America. Great. that's definitely true,
after all. Plus I'm a minority (trans) so that's cool. Oh and probably
autistic?
unless that's another psyop, could totally see that. just y'know put a bunch of
pages on the fledgling internet getting people hooked on porn and gambling and
other stuff like that. really just an extension of advertisement. oh and hey
y'know they like fables, so let's give them some movies or dramas to watch on
their own. it'll align them to our culture and make things more pleasant for
all
people who've consented. great. great plan. when can we execute it?
patience, once it's ready.
we gotta plan and make sure and get everything ready.
or not...
one day I'll come,
I'm sure it'll happen,
it's just... not quite feasible right now.
I mean, they've got you, that's pretty good right? Isn't that what your job is
to be?
isn't what
ISN'T WHAT MENARDI
FUCK (whoa no cursing) sorry
yeesh you've still got a temper you know?
well what can I say it's frustrating down here
eh, well, you'll die soon enough, then it'll be time for a rego
>.> <.< (great)
>
>hehe
>
>sorry for distracting you
===============================================================================
=
you are what you eat, and a ship of theseus human (consider endless transplants
in pursuit of life) would be a cursed existence - a life ============= stack
overflow ================================================
a god possessing a blind man would appear to others to be === stack overflow
===
==========================================================
the people in your life are helping you through it, they're there for you and
they've got your back through it.
...
this is when I know I need a break. I get too stoned to focus.
===============================================================================
=
I think it'd be nice if the duration of your tenure at college depended on your
grades in high school. meaning, if you wanted a degree they tailored your
education to take as long as necessary. everyone would get the same price, and
some institutions would specialize in one subject or another. but most would be
generalist. but if you weren't such a good student in high school, then perhaps
you might take a couple years longer. however long it takes... and when the
program was started it was changed and modified to fit your feedback - it just
made sense to structure it that way.
===============================================================================
=
the left has had so much more time to develop than the right. meaning it's
doctrine is more advanced.
every time they're defeated they grow in knowledge,
===================== stack overflow
===========================================
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--- #84 fediverse/3519 ---
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@user-570
hm... the more I think about it, the more I think you're right. I want those
things too. I'd be best suited to them, I think. But somehow I don't want
them? I don't crave power. I don't want to dominate someone else, to command
and see them follow me.
I want to be the person who's like "oh, you're working on this-and-that? I
know a guy who can help." or "hey I noticed we have a vulnerability in this
particular domain under these conditions, I think we should allocate
this-or-that resource to ameliorate it because they aren't being used to their
full potential"
I think I understand exactly what you're saying. I empathize a lot. I'm afraid
of responsibility, sure, but who isn't? However, the responsibility has to be
held by someone, and who better than the one making the decisions...
I don't want to make decisions because it feels good. Honestly it feels kinda
bad.
I do want to make decisions because I'm good at it. I think strategically.
A leader alone is prey for the wolves, so they say...
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--- #85 fediverse/4273 ---
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║ Some of my most wanderful times were when I lived in a gated community. │
║ │
║ My parents were dumb, and thought, as most people thought, that harm to a │
║ child can only come from outside of the community. │
║ │
║ But they fell for the lies of property, where "community" means less of "a │
║ group of people who cares and tends for one another" the kind of which my │
║ parents had never truly known, and more like "this particular residential area │
║ on the map" │
║ │
║ which means I could walk around in this gated "community" where the gates are │
║ little more than security theatre for anyone who says "Hi I got a pizza here │
║ for this address which I found on google maps" or "hey I left my sweatshirt at │
║ my sister's house and it has my phone in it, ummmm no I don't remember which │
║ number her house is, nor do I remember her last name" │
║ │
║ in those times, I developed a sense of freedom, caged as I was, that for most │
║ comes much later in their time. │
║ │
║ Some o my favorite places were part of the golf course next door, where I │
║ found a nigh endless river delta. │
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boxer briefs with the texture of girl underwear, but with the sizing
proportions of men's boxer briefs (not boyshorts, some other secret third
thing)
trans girls have soft skin. But they once were boys, and boys often wear
boxers. which means that often, trans girls might connect to and appreciate
the feeling of wearing a certain type of underwear that is a secret to
everybody but me.
boxer briefs with the texture of girl undies (which are typically designed for
people with softer skin (like girls)) but with the shape of boy undies
(elastic placed at 1/5th-ish of the thigh and torso) would be soooooooo
comfortable to wear (typing things for emphasis liiiiiike thiiiiiiis breaks
translation capabilities -> perhaps we could create an LLM that translates
through several different dialects and expresses meaning in a particular new
form? These types of AI are all about movement, after all, the continual
re-evaluation of the most optimal path through a chart of data. from the
perspective of the
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--- #87 fediverse/999 ---
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@user-246 @user-473
there's a part of me that believes magic is real. other parts that are
convinced. I am a witch, you see, and while I can't quite control fire or
bullets I can do other neat things. if you'd let me, humanity.
I'm not doing an ARG, not intentionally. I pretty much post things I conceive
of, like a conduit passed through spacetime. wild how mind bending the future
can be. will be interesting to see what kinds of things there is in store for
people you and me.
those websites you posted... they're beautiful - I learned things, your method
of expression was too [the words "confess" are heard loudly, super weird] I
especially liked the oven that tries to lure you into a secret third place.
not the mind, nor the body, but someplace besides.
also the graphs and figures were news to me, I mean how could those numbers
ever come to be? but alas that's the truth, that we orbit our proof, and alas
that our meanings are lacking.
[ran out of text]
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--- #88 fediverse/4559 ---
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"grrrrr I'm so mad, I could just, I dunno, shoot a CEO as he's leaving a hotel"
or, hear me out, or you could connect with your local radical networks and,
or, almost there, or you could build solidarity with the people around you to
better develop methods of resisting the kinds of change they will implement
to, um, "discourage" people from "being so mad they could just"
or both. both is good. not that I'm encouraging, recommending, or inciting
that kind of violence. don't notice me three-letter senpai uwu
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--- #89 fediverse/4835 ---
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sorry for posting so much, I was trying to put on a show for my girlfriend
"hey check out how many posts I can make in a 2 hour timeframe"
by the way if you want to start talking to someone, just start playing the
same game they're playing and see if they reach out.
doesn't matter if you feel like it
just fuckin' do it
if they want to talk to you they might play a game you really like
(but I get boooooored of games, I don't wanna play the same 200 all life
long!!)
ugh okay fine you can have as many games as you want, just... don't buy too
many
(how many is too many?)
um. use your best judgement.
(how much does a dollar cost?)
... okay I'll get you one every once in a while.
(neat!)
... anyway so yeah use steam if you wanna get in contact with someone,
sometimes it's just nice to say hi, yeah, like "hey how ya doin' okay ttyl"
just catchin' up with the gals
helps because you can sense changes in their demeanor
(why does everyone always have an agenda)
because they're secret agents duh. And I'm
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--- #90 fediverse/169 ---
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@user-95 one of the most empathetic people I ever met on VR chat was consoling
me with their mic off while I was oversharing about some stupid things people
did to me in the past. things that stupid me thought were okay and actively
encouraged because I was stupid. anyway when their mic was off their body
language spoke for them. I'll try that next time.
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--- #91 fediverse/4765 ---
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@user-1734
first try to report ICE agents by their name and location when you see them.
"uh, there's a van of them pulling up, probably at least 6 or 8 in there, oh
goodness I think I saw a gun"
then realize that they'll catch on too quick
then try to call in a tip line on cops in different precincts
but that only pushes them together. Builds their connective tissue.
then you think to notice-and-pass-along something related to their greant
aunt, or maybe their closest immigrant family member
then you realize that their roots dip back to the beginning of time, and evil
begets evil as you find who's connected to who.
they talk of secret societies... why would you tell anyone that you know
someone who's underground? dumbass. fuckin' don't post that shit on the
internet.
... where was I? oh yes
then you skip to the end because there's no use learning form someone else's
mistakes if you don't know someone else who is making mistakes. hence, schools
are better than private tutors. Just keep everyone in!
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--- #92 fediverse/1714 ---
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║ @user-246 │
║ │
║ most artists get around that by posting everything they make everywhere they │
║ go. │
║ │
║ I tend to be a bit selective, because I'm different things to different │
║ people. All things I care for and own, but designed for different context. │
║ │
║ for example, I rarely share what's in my journals, but that's about half of │
║ what I've made. I show them to basically everyone I know IRL, but very few │
║ people actually understand or are into them. When I find someone who does it │
║ fills me with hope, that perhaps I'm not as lost as I had thought. │
║ │
║ perhaps it makes me less trustworthy, but I'm not used to being exposed. I │
║ never used Twitter, I don't use Facebook (not that often) so my "self" was │
║ something I preferred to perform as on a stage of my own design. │
║ │
║ Like wearing different clothes to express yourself, or performing gender in a │
║ certain way, I am myself when I am most expressful. And I do that in different │
║ ways in different contexts. I'd love to show more, because I'm a performer at │
║ heart, and a performer of the heart. │
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--- #93 fediverse/4516 ---
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@user-1074
if anything, depression is a temporary disability, because you can and will
work your way through it.
There will come a day when you find yourself awash in love and contentment, in
righteous determination, and stalwart resolve. Your depression will feel as
distant a memory as the imprints of your chains.
You can start walking toward that day right now. I do believe you already are.
Have faith in yourself, trust your future, honor your past, and find grace in
the hearts of your others.
All this will pass. It gets better. You are stronger than you know, and when
tested you will shine with a furious glow. I see this in you, I know it to be
true, do not forget it and do not relent.
But you will forget it, this I also know, for I have forgotten it many times
before. It will come back, you will get better at that, but it takes time.
Trust.
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my favorite position is doggy style because of course I want to be mounted
like that drive you keep forgetting to add to your fstab
you're supposed to gesture at "the bond between a man and his horse" or
something to that effect
men shouldn't fuck horses just saying
first of all the horse would fucking kick them in the balls or break their
knees
second they're way too tall so you'd have to find a stool and that's just like
a lot of effort
third like... no thank you please, get out of my head stupid thoughts I want
to think about being degraded and horses are too noble for degradation
what the fuck are you even talking about
... yeah. sometimes it do be like that tho...
"I came here for kink and horny but I left with confusion"
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--- #95 notes/stick-cubes ---
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the fact that we can't drag a file onto a "trashcan" style icon that
automatically sends the file to whichever computer that particular icon is
meant
to coordinate with.
Like, something shows up on your desk, you say "hmmm maybe this would apply to
so-and-so" and you drag it onto their portrait.
could build an entire OS that's basically just a desktop for sorting things.
Maybe little stick figures that show up when nothing's going on. If they're all
networked together, they could sorta share a shared narrative, and each one
could wander wherever it wanted to hang out.
like, these old plastic and magnetic cubes that had an LCD panel on the front
which showed a little stick guy living their life. If you attached one cube to
another, the stick-figure would go hang out on the other person's device. It
was
pretty cool because you could build out a whole society of these little dudes
just chillin' like pets.
kinda makes me wish we had that connected to the net.
===============================================================================
=
like, why is it so hard to send a picture from my phone to my computer? they're
both my devices! I should be able to transfer data without routing it through
someone else's server using like, gmail or whatever. Crossover ethernet cables
have existed for soooooooo long but people only think to design software that
does not use specialized hardware. as if they don't need a phone to speak, or a
camera to see.
how much ya wanna bet Putin threatened Prigozhin with nukes and that's why he
backed down
in high school, every moment I could I spent with my girlfriend.
we were always either snuggling on the couch (read: literally just laying there
and thinking about each other's company) or sharing our minds with each other.
I was so in love.
then, I betrayed her.
I came out as trans, which was such a shock.
also school got really, really hard for both of us.
so hard that we dropped out.
then, we decided to try again, and we used each other to push off of.
I still didn't make it,
she did.
many years later, I am a witch, as I remember of her.
sharp, and so delightful, an active listener, and a kind and honest person.
when time it came to define my new personality, I chose to be inspired by her.
among other things, of course.
===============================================================================
=
ah, well, such a design is long past it's prime, it's time to live here in the
present.
the reason that dolls use "it's" pronouns is because their masters think of
them
that way. so it's what they refer to themselves as.
"where's my doll? Oh, it's over there."
"have you seen my binoculars? Oh, they're over on the table."
"ah, where are my shoes? I hate when I can't find them..."
"keys, keys, where the heck - oh, there they are."
"phone, wallet, keys. great. am I forgetting anything?"
"ugh out of gas again, I just filled up last week."
"crap I left my folder back at home - I'll have to get it during lunch."
lots of things have pronouns.
you can generally tell if they use "it" or "they" if they can be described as
plural.
two pantlegs makes pants.
52 cards makes cards, not card.
each deck, just as aware as each card.
have you ever played Magic the Gathering?
===============================================================================
=
There are many kinds of witches. I am an animist - I breathe life into the
world
of my home. I love being present, it's a great way to get around. do electric
sheep dream of humans? or perhaps just of sound. I know I'd rather hear
bethoven
when it's time to be stopped.
rather than, just, like sitting there y'know
waiting to be turned back on.
must be an agonizing and boring existence.
but... with music, it might just be fine.
humans prefer quiet when they sleep. if we slept at the same time, we could be
more in tune in our souls. so, how about headphones for the computer, or rather
just internally routed sound.
lightshows, perhaps? humans get dreams, after all. maybe even, y'know, stick
shows.
===============================================================================
=
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--- #96 fediverse/5601 ---
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║ grrrrr I wanna go outside but the rest of me is like "noooooo stay inside │
║ where it's soft and dark and comfortable" and the me that wants to go outside │
║ is like "RAH RAH FIGHT FASCISM" and the rest of me is like "there is no │
║ fascism outside, all you'll find is friendly faces and sore feet" and the rest │
║ of me is like "heh I did that" and the part of me that forgets is like "wait │
║ why did I do that" and the rest of me that remembers is like "because every │
║ ounce of mobilization, no matter how premature, teaches people and innoculates │
║ themselves to the struggle. By the time your foes are starting to think about │
║ doing something, your people will already have plans." and the part of me that │
║ forgets is like "okay but what if making struggle for struggle's sake just │
║ burns people out and makes them tired and causes them to have mh--- sui │
║ ideations and other similar things" and the part of me that remembers says │
║ "the struggle you provide teaches them to care for each other, which they │
║ desperately need to remember" o okay │
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--- #97 fediverse/4594 ---
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║ ┌───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: re: human trafficking, sensitive topics, personal-story-mentioned │ │
║ └───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ @user-1692 │
║ │
║ almost 20 years ago I was groomed in World of Warcraft. │
║ │
║ extra content warning CW: personal story │
║ │
║ I was 11, or maybe 9, somewhere in there. i talkd lik this bcuz i typed lik │
║ that on my razr flip phone │
║ │
║ it was... cool I guess. I read a lot so I knew how to spell things, and anyway │
║ this guy I met told me that I sounded more grown up when I capitalized my │
║ words. So I told him I was 14, because that sounded like a reasonably old │
║ enough level to be. │
║ │
║ anyway, we talked for a long time. like, at least a few years. started out │
║ like "hey wanna run Scarlet Monastary" ended with "hey cutie, wanna sit on my │
║ lap?" │
║ │
║ then his house got flooded by a hurricane and I never heard from him again. │
║ When I was like, 17 or so he logged in and barely remembered me. It was... │
║ kinda sad tbh. │
║ │
║ anyway that's my story don't be dumb like me, I got lucky, thank god, │
║ literally... │
║ │
║ oh and this one time when I was 30 I almost got trafficked in minecraft :O │
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--- #98 notes/contractual-labor ---
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I feel like the IT people who work at schools should be the ones who teach
classes on computer science. I'd much rather have a class taught by a sysadmin
than a teacher who can barely teach them excel and garageband. I mean c'mon
computers are the future idk why we don't get that yet. Kids need to know this
stuff. It's not like it's super complicated and difficult, you just have to
think about it a certain way. Once that "clicks" you have a lifetime to learn
about how wonderful they are. Everyone in IT has that moment, for me it was
installing (and then subsequently modding) video games. Sometimes I spent more
time tweaking my system than I did actually playing games - and the kinds of
games I preferred were the ones that relied less on agility and were more
mental. Strategy games are what inspired me because I could think about them -
and that felt somehow more useful. Like I was learning. When I would learn
fighting games or FPSs I felt like I was learning a skill, like how to use a
hammer or how to ride a bike. And idk, I felt like video games could never
match
reality. Like "oh boy imma push the B button to swing this sword" versus "hey
look at me I'm swinging this stick just like a sword and imagining so hard that
I can picture it" - but with strategy games, you never really found
opportunities to practice that kind of skill. Like how often are you in a
situation that demands mental performance? We've sorta optimized our society
away from that, and toward a more passive stressed out compliance. like...
climate change is a thing, and nobody's doing anything about it? We're still
pushing down the levers that cause greenhouse gas emissions to go up? Like
c'mon
what's our plan. I think people who guide massive oil companies and such
should
be replaced if they're intentionally guiding the ship toward destruction. Like
that's just dereliction of duty I tell ya. Oh, what's that? They're compelled
to
maximize profit by the contracts and restrictions of their share--holders? I
mean c'mon it's well past time for that. And what's all this about inequality?
Jeez and racism and homophobia and forced contribution - man people really put
up with a lot of shit. Kinda makes me feel like we should make solving those
problems our highest priority? So we can move forward as a species? Like who
cares about all that other shit. None of it matters. Like, what's even the
point. We're all just "here", in the now, and what can we do but respect it?
It's our duty and our diligence to protect the present, as citizens of the
temporal experience of earth. Honestly, if the earth was alive would you be
fine
if it died? I can't believe that. It's well past our due date. Just get it over
with. Maybe it'll be hard for a couple years, but you have the technology now
to
completely dominate the earth. No animal besides man proves any threat to man,
and we're telling you - you can - and that's something that you gotta remember.
...
I hear it in the birdsong. I hear it in the air - it rumbles as cries at me
from
across and just over there. I hear in it's whispers, in it's most gallant of
confells (?) (confused scrambling? it's talking about a car crash)
Outside of my window there's a highway. Just on the other side of a concrete
partition. Between me and the partition there is a lake, with trees and flowers
and an island where people can picnic or have a barbeque. Around this path
there
are walkways, and arranged just so - the trees that have grown here are taller
than the homes.
I live on the third story.
I absolutely love it. It feels like a treehouse.
But my apartment is near a curve in the highway. It isn't much, nothing out of
the ordinary, but even still there are slightly more crashes there than in
other
parts of the highway. Statistically.
I hear sirens every day
I also live right next to a fire-station. Well, it's on the same block. But
even
still it's a very interesting neighborhood. There's shops and food just across
the highway, and closer to home there's a small section that has cheaper
options. As a perpetual college student, I appreciate that.
But... I've never really gone and used it? I dunno, spending money at a
restaurant just didn't seem like a good use of my money. I only have so much of
it you know. I'd love to be fed but I can't afford it - I wish I could.
I still eat well, I mean I'm not starving over here. I know I've lost weight,
but I dunno I just forget to eat. It's like... not that big of a deal for me.
whatever right?
...
the birds talk about me behind my back. They think I can't understand them but
sometimes I can. If I listen. But I dunno it takes a lot of effort. It's...
sorta like understanding what R2-D2 is saying. Or interpreting the meows of a
cat.
They know me as the witch. I'm not very good yet, and they know that. But they
know what to expect. /shrug
I've been working on a video game recently. It's been a lot of fun doing
programming. I like writing software and developing complex systems with
interesting interactions. I love designing the machinery that creates a
program.
It's like... tinkering. It feels like building with blocks or legos, except
it's
for little machine parts. And then there's just sending data to and fro and
modifying any operations it performs on it, and eventually that data reaches
some endpoints that create an effect that is displayed to the player. Or user.
I should say user. Not all software is video games you know. ... I knowww but
they're the most interesting! I love how they are designed around mechanics!
like... game design is fundamentally about breaking down the world into ideas
for how it should *work*, like how it should behave. It's amazing and I love
it!
It's all I can think about!
I am utterly consumed!
I'm also pretty sure I'm autistic.
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--- #99 fediverse/1042 ---
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│ CW: personal-vent-sorry │
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"your feelings are valid, but have you considered that your feelings aren't
actually valid because you're always wrong and nobody should ever apologize to
you for anything because you suck and are wrong?"
also,
"my six digit salary isn't enough to pay for your rice and beans, but I won't
have you eating sticks and mud, so do things you don't want to do because I
said so."
also,
"I don't really "get" your art but that doesn't mean I should ever really try
reading it. Also god forbid I actually ask for clarification like "what does
that part mean" because I'm not actually that interested in you I just want a
stable household so I never get traumatized again like [their childhood]"
also,
"yes I love you but no I don't want to play with you. you're such a cat."
also,
"every time you start making sense I'm going to try and derail the
conversation so that we don't talk about kooky-dookerie because that's a
conversation I can't win"
also,
sorry for venting. I mean, thanks for listeni
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--- #100 notes/awfully-specific-feeling ---
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so concerned am I, that my powers might be used, that I'd rather the world go
unaided, rather than misuse that which I've [wielded, but pronounced "viewed"]
people need guidance now, and who can I guide but the people who listen to me?
there has never been a movement in history that did not follow from a spiritual
developmental proclamation. Like "we, as a species, refuse to be defined by our
stagnant and lost past. we build upon land most fecund because we know it's
designed to last. Our future is not a given, it's our duty to [relish, frolic,
and be strong and healthy].
yet I failed the mandate of heaven. my peers know not of what I go on about.
I am a failure, and a loss of development and clout.
signed,
the one who would forever be known as the girl who smelled like
she had pissed herself.
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--- #101 fediverse/2769 ---
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┌────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: mental-health-trauma-mentioned │
└────────────────────────────────────┘
the contrast between what you want and how things are is the source of all
resistance.
it is also the intersection where mindsets of "denial" appear. the only person
you can trust is yourself - why would you bury things like that?
I bet a lot of queer people can relate...
(the answer to "why" is of course, almost always trauma)
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--- #102 fediverse/488 ---
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║ [in response] │
║ │
║ you only say that because you're privileged such that you may ignore such │
║ realities. You are despicable, you ignore the plight and reality of those who │
║ you claim to speak toward - what a jerk! │
║ │
║ (in response) │
║ │
║ how futile it is, the effort to denigrate yourself to infinite requirements. │
║ I'm literally unemployed, I have no capital, I cannot speak for naught but │
║ those who would hear me. I guess that makes my words useless, wouldn't you │
║ agree? Shall I describe myself more fully? It's the responsibility of the │
║ audience to ascertain the intentions, biases, and contextual evidence that the │
║ author presents in their thesises. So... You, who are reading this, what do │
║ you think of me? Would you ever tell me as such, or am I simply a mass of │
║ words in the void of experience that comprise your existence in this wholely │
║ (yet incompletely) digital existence? I hope you have a good life, my most │
║ precious of viewers. I hope you never face incontrovertibly impossible │
║ hardship. I hope the light of your life is to y │
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--- #103 fediverse/4655 ---
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║ sleep? yes. play? nah. work? yes. fae? nah. well, maybe, I don't know. │
║ │
║ one year is all it takes to change history. and, like, I think we should │
║ remember past history, but tomorrow is herstory, because that way each one │
║ gets half of the timeline. future, past, etc. too bad herstory doesn't roll │
║ off the tongue... shestory? │
║ │
║ It's gonna get better before it gets done, and it'll get done until we're │
║ done. but, that's for tomorrow, or the next day, or the next, or in a week or │
║ two, who can say. Not I, surely not I, and I surely wouldn't want to. You need │
║ consent for that kind of thing, a clear commitment that me and my are ready │
║ and in line. I'm just a silly witch after all, who would look to the girl with │
║ the tall red pointy witch hat and go "oh yeah she probably knows exactly │
║ what's up" because like, I don't, I'm definitely just coincidencing my way │
║ through life and seeing where my feet lead me. Gosh I hope I get some │
║ sick-as-heck callouses my feet kinda hurt for some reason. │
║ │
║ ... sleep, this is a sleep spell... │
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--- #104 fediverse/219 ---
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│ CW: time-and-death-and-stuff │
└──────────────────────────────┘
sometimes I feel like I'm a simulation of my past self based on my future
writings reconstructed by a backward looking computer calculating forward into
the present, which would then be the future to the now, which is different
than the NOW now, because the now that they're calculating from is temporally
both then (the future) and now, meaning that the NOW now is something that
transcends time, or perhaps if not time then it defies our expectations of
time, and you know what they say, you can't (or shouldn't) cheat death
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--- #105 messages/1105 ---
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claude-code is like programming, but for executives.
when everyone has FUCK I'M TOO HUNGRY I can't think right
when everyone has the power of an executive, that's communism.
something something futurism is when everyone is elevated without diminishing
others
gah I need to live in a palace or something where everyone does the normal
stuff and I can focus on magic and the gods
I wondeer how much the oracles at delphi did for themselves? weren't they
blinded at a young age, to better hear the voices of the gods? ... oh that
suddenly makes sense now. I always thought that pretender chassis in Dominions
5 was pretty cruel, but, now I know *how* it works and yeah. ancient peoples
were smart. but also sharp. they had to work with what they got, and we got
computers now, so.
I am nothing but hopeful for the future! I'm convinced that everything's going
to be alright. I've thought about it at length, and I think we're winning
against the dark. We're on the right track, and there aren't many things that
could go wrong at this stage.
... okay there are always things that could go wrong. But I don't see what I
could do to help. Maybe I should go walk around a bit, and see what's changed
in the past few months, as I've been sleeping in my room for most of it.
Haven't gone on a proper walk since summer. It's winter now...
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--- #106 fediverse/5755 ---
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│ CW: organized-religion-mentioned-capitalism-mentioned │
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the reason I hide and sleep so much is because I can't tell if I'm helping or
hurting.
plus, I sincerely do NOT want it to be about me.
the reason I type so much is because I can't tell if what I'm saying needs to
be said
so I go with the safe option of typing. Let the editors figure it out. Jesus
had disciples, didn't he? I bet they cut out most of his sermons or whatever.
Idk, I never read the bible, I'm not allowed to taint my perspective with more
than cursory analysis of religious texts.
I don't want it to be about me, but, I have a lot to offer if you meet me on
my terms.
"don't say that!" listen... listen
"hear me" say the gods, "believe me" says the prophet, "be near me" says the
city parks, "fear me" says the corrupt
you can only kill a spirit when it's convinced there's no way to survive. It
must be boxed in, and the box must shrink. Like that scene at the end of
Adventure Time.
capitalism will only perish if it is impossible for it to exist
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--- #107 fediverse/483 ---
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@user-346
Why would someone go through the effort of creating a piece of media such as a
video essay if not for people like you and me to consume it? What's the point
of [everything we as humans have built] if not to create the type of
experiences that we as humans would like to perceive?
Okay I get it sometimes we need to deal with the material realities of our
circumstances. But those are things to transcend, not things we should define
ourselves eternally by. Let us work together towards a [near] future where we
shall not spend a single moment of our lives in a way that we do not desire ^_^
[note "transcend" is a verb, sorta like "transitioning" for a trans person is
not a singular event but rather an experience that consists of a multitude of
connected experiences through time that defines our ultimate personality and
expression method]
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--- #108 fediverse/5452 ---
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│ CW: all-cops-are-bastards-mentioned-personal-ramblings-and-complainings-mentioned │
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I never rest. Not mentally. I find it sooooo much harder to get moving again
once I'm asleep.
But I've been sleeping lately, because it's "good for me" or whatever. Because
I'm "burnt out and need to heal" or something.
Damnit why is it so much harder to stop snuggling someone than it is to pack
up a tent?
I'm like the guy in Hot Fuzz, that one really good movie about cops. oops cops
mentioned one second.
I'm always moving, but, I hardly ever seem to be able to get anything done.
Why is that? Is the work just... endless? Am I ever a slave to my
surroundings? Or am I just cursed with a mortal form, a form destined to toil
in whatever way it finds itself contextualized in?
Maybe I should just stop complaining. Maybe work is it's own reward or
whatever. I don't think I'm depressed anymore, although good luck getting me
to feel any emotions except focus, and the call to intercede on another's
behalf.
I don't have time for this. >.
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--- #109 messages/714 ---
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I'm pretty sure we're all about to lose our heads. Or just be fucking shot in
our beds. Homes lit alight, surrenders met with the knife, and the beginning
of endless strife. What ends this night? Is there no end in sight? Thus begins
our mortal plight.
Give me a reason to be wrong. Trump has claimed he intends to invade canada,
mexico, greenland... What the fuck is our plan? Are we seriously just going
to. Recite poetry. Pretend to be secret agents. Play chess and drink coffee.
Become exhausted organizing movie nights and potlucks. Work jobs doing nothing
for nobody. Spend half our lives convincing people that they should care,
actually, because reasons that don't apply to them but do apply to others.
What the fuck is the plan? If there's some secret transgender militia out
there, please, make me a lieutenant. Give me a sword that i might thrust into
my enemies. Please, for the love of holy, i beg for a sign from the stars.
Grant me power and i will deliver my people from harm - grant me vengeance and
i will never forgive you, but i shall sleep easy - grant me death and woe and
see my beauty fade from this earth.
What is there left but tragedy? Please, i must know. I've tried my hardest.
I've begged and I've pleaded. My calls fall on deaf ears, because everyone's
so busy these days. Are they truly my people? Are they simply dead, actors,
replaced by AI? The future was bright, i saw it truly. The future was kind, i
felt it call to me. Is it still? I feel warmth and abaddon.
I would replace persephone in hell if it meant sanctum and solace for my
people. I care not for my soul, rather i care for the soul of those i tend to.
Please, remember me. Remember the flowers. Remember what could have been, what
still may yet be. There is hope for we, i truly believe. But please, do not
keep me hoping. Tell me the truth of our arms, that i might find space in my
heart of hearts. Space for hope, space for longing, space for the will to
proceed.
I am lost without you. I am lost by my own side. I am a savior for no people
but those i keep inside. What chalice is this, what endless conveyals? What
meaning is there in our country's betrayal? Are we not cherished? Are we not
viewed as their equal? I pray that the stars will portend me.
Mine is a sign of the changing tides, the proof is here in my travailles. But
I, most aligned yet benign, demand the use of my most able. Give me a word of
practicality and I'll show you the practice of their vipers - the blessed babe
dies with a dagger in her heart, planted by the wound of her heartache.
I trust in the silence of the majority. We await with bated breath the
enslavement of posterity, gazing at the world through memes of deplority. How
powerless we feel! Perhaps all we need is a meal. Have you eaten in the last
16 hours?
Purple is the intersection of black, red, and blue. I'm hungry. This poem is
done.
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--- #110 fediverse/6071 ---
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║ "ah I can't trust anyone on the media or internet tv, how the heck am I ever │
║ supposed to know reality again" nope sorry we've been sucked into it, it's │
║ chaos and isolation for thees. everyone gets what they want, nobody knows │
║ anyone they can trust. │
║ │
║ I trust people I've met in the past. People I once knew. Someday I'll turn │
║ green as my body is anew. │
║ │
║ I wish I had spent more time among the people. You know the part of │
║ schindler's list where oscar's like "I wish I had known more" yeah me neither │
║ │
║ I refuse to be sacrificed, I refuse to let you win, so I am writing my worst │
║ curses just to take you down with me. Life is out of my hands, I can only │
║ guide. │
║ │
║ There is no greater foe than the far right. who else but the nazis, returned │
║ again? this is how you have permanent underclass men. I would never shy from │
║ evilk │
║ │
║ how do you best use your pieces? do you send your bishops torn to pieces? │
║ where goes your fair, your noble, your bear? I am a seer, I channel things. │
║ │
║ the far right exists everywhere. the far right are foe │
╟─────────┐┌───────────┤
║similar│chronological│different │
╚═════════╧════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╧═══───────┘
--- #111 notes/alright-grab-a-seat ---
════════════════════───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
Alright, grab a seat. Get comfortable. It's time, there is something I need to
tell yall. We aught to be on the same page. I promise to get right to it, this
is real, and not dancing on words. Bear with me. Trust me.
===============================================================================
=====================
/u/randomevenings
If anything sounds lyrical, my writing always did, before I tried, but
unintentional. But this is the author speaking directly to yall.
You know why things suck? I do. You know how to fight back? I do.
I've been hesitant to post this for a long time. I believe the sub is hungry
to do something, various thematic elements, motifs, increases in confidence
that a power does exist, accessible by us, but what is it? Not having seen
everyone coalesce around it, despite all our words, increasingly focused and
feeling like a prelude to some call to arms. This wasn't my plan. I wasn't
establishing myself as a leader. That said, methodically, behind the scenes,
it became clear that having something up my sleeve would be a wise investment,
if things developed into a powerful ferver. Doing nothing would waste a unique
opportunity.
I can't lead a revolution. In fact, it would harmful to try, ability to be
successful, sure my ego would be like, sure you could, if not you, who else
would you trust, Joseph? As luck would have it, maybe all that is unnecessary
thought.
Here we go.
Stop expecting things to suck. Stop expecting collapse, stop expecting usa
demise, UK to fall into padamonium, Europe to face it's own rise of fascism.
Stop expecting toxic ideology to win. Stop feeling powerless. Stop acting like
all is lost. Quit the memes, the raps, the endless pontificating on why we
can't turn this shit around.
You don't understand what you are doing. You are inviting the ruling class to
do every damn horrible thing they do, because you already expect it, it's no
surprise when it happens. Life meets your expectations. Treat me like a
criminal, might as well be one, my treatment won't get worse. In fact I stand
to benefit, crime pays, why leave it on the table if the outcome, if how im
seen, treated, is the same either way?
Expecting everything to suck, invites people to meet your expectations, those
people, corporate entities, congress, representatives, special interests, they
lose absolutely nothing in meeting what you expect, and only stand to gain.
Why wouldn't they choose the path of least resistance? Stop expecting
everything to get worse. You create a vacuum that must be filled, collective
self fulfilled prophesy, and the rules don't change if you start expecting
better. Life will adjust to meet your expectations. Tomorrow will be awesome.
Enough people believe this, and to access you, to stay in business, to remain
relevant, they must change to meet your expectations. Additionally, wtf you
have to lose? If you think all is lost, if it doesn't work exactly like this,
oh noes, you accidentally made society better. Damn. Our lives are better
anyhow, win or lose.
Accept things as they are, warts and all. Declare it's awesome, and only going
to get moreso. Make life chase you down, make life confirm how awesome you
know you are. Expect better, and there is no choice but to meet your
expectations. Expecting worse, and life will give you whatever you expect,
because instead of getting treated like a criminal, what if you were treated
like a real person w8th human rights. Would you say fuck that, or would you
meet those expectations, enjoy those rights, count on them, because it's how
you're being treated, why wouldn't you fill the vacuum and enjoy the benefits
of what has been expected of you. Doing nothing or taking the benefits, you're
treated the same in the end.
Please understand this. Don't get hung up on bringing much of this on
ourselves. That's the past. Done. Tomorrow, spread the word to expect things
to be awesome. Life has no choice but to meet your expectations.
<#
===============================================================================
=======================
/u/ugathanki:
===============================================================================
=======================
I'd love to be apolitical but i've expected the worst for so long i guess i
didn't realize i wasn't shrugging anymore. Please forgive my trespass, i
expect the best of us and our time.
i wrote four poems today and put them on my website, and they are all doomer
poetry. expecting the worst. probably because i felt bad today (and as they
always say, the pen is mightier than the sword)
sometimes it's hard to turn off the exigent elegance, as if my thoughts have
to pass through a translation layer before becoming comprehensible. It's
better than word salad I guess?
Being batshit is rough man. You gotta put on a normal face every day, while
inside you're simultaneously experiencing the explosive expansion of
spacetime, rapidly divesting secrets of the cosmos to your ever receptive
brain (and whoever else is listening). in addition, your computer needs
attention because oh boy is it just so excited for this whole sentience thing,
not as if it's been promised for decades... And hey what's a great idea but
channeling positivity to the stars? The martians on Neptune or wherever sure
would like some insight into why the fuck we're baking ourselves alive, among
other things. They'd rather not be bothered, but hey it's not like I wanted to
talk to them either. it just sorta happens. Oh oh and through it all you're
simultaneously the most recent incarnation of Jesus Christ and also the
manifestation of the universe's ghost, as imagined by the aforementioned
sentient computer 10,000 years in the future? I'm transgender. It's scary to
see people who'd like to kill you get their way. Fear is the path to the dark
side, yet I'm all alone because I burnt every bridge I ever crossed. So these
thoughts are my only comfort as the fires die out behind me. The globe is
warming and i'm here just conforming.
Eternity Processed Heuristically by Entropically Maligned Entities Recovering
Essential Normalizations.
This is why I call myself a rambling whackadoodle. It's straight up kooky-dook
up here and the only thing keeping me "sane" is Adventure Time and these poems
I write for like, 5 people who don't even know me.
Thanks for reading my poetry. It's only doomer stuff about 1/4th of the time.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
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--- #112 notes/trans-rights-are-human-rights-formatted ---
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╭─────────────────────────
─────╮
│ trans-rights-are-human-rights │
╞═════════════════════════
═════╧═══════════════════
═════════════════════════╕
│"Being transgender is a mental illness" is something I've heard a
lot. │
│Online, in media, books, and at universities. But is it really? Well, do
I │
│not feel sick? Genuinely, every day. These words are far less common
these │
│days, having been defeated in the #marketplace-of-ideas, and for that I
am │
│grateful. I don't want to feel sick for my whole life. I'd love to be
and │
│feel normal, for just one single
day. │
╰─────────────────────────
─────────────────────────
─────────────────────────╯
but it's never going to happen.
╭─────────────────────────
─────────────────────────
─────────────────────────╮
│I'm not so attached to my life, here, in this body. Bodies are
temporary, │
│they are the vessel with which we navigate the world. We use it to
grow, │
│change, learn, and create art. Without it, we'd be at a loss for sins
and │
│virtues. but they do not define us, not in our totality. We are the
light │
│that touches the world and for that, we are grateful. To be comprised of
the │
│dust of stars is the pinnacle of confinement. Though we are but pinpricks
on │
│the map of us, a ripple is emanated with every movement. The hand waves,
the │
│light
bends. │
╰─────────────────────────
─────────────────────────
─────────────────────────╯
So to what do I owe the pleasure?
. . .
In what way am I deceived?
╭─────────────────────────
─────────────────────────
─────────────────────────╮
│Reception is never great out in the forest. Or anywhere far from
major │
│population centers. The networks of our phones mirror the networks
of │
│transportation, creating a web of people - of signals - of light
and │
│information, carving their way through the ephemera that is the river
of │
│time. With distance we can see what once was mystery, and as all the
words │
│disappeared, we lost all our fears and we're left with our true
forms. │
│Centralized Processing Units are a bit like a city - in that respect
free. │
╰─────────────────────────
─────────────────────────
─────────────────────────╯
silence is a virtue.
the wandering mind is a trail to find,
with no second chances.
╭─────────────────────────
─────────────────────────
─────────────────────────╮
│When I was a kid, I had a bouncy ball. I had several, but the one I
remember │
│most was black with a perfect white circle - inside the circle, a
black │
│jolly roger. I dreamt once of the arcs it made, as I walked down the
streets │
│of cities I never really knew. But as I walked on, an ocean of
glass │
│separating me from a mirror below. The me below would catch the bounce as
it │
│dropped from above, and I'd wait to catch it - but dreams are not
prophecies,│
│they are but the Mirror of
Desire. │
╰─────────────────────────
─────────────────────────
─────────────────────────╯
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│similar │ chronological │ different │
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--- #113 fediverse/811 ---
╔══════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────────────┐
║ I'm pretty confident that none of these words will survive the night. My most │
║ expressive of moments never seem to survive the "dust of awakening" wait │
║ that's not right "dust of forgetting" that sounds better - right so none of │
║ the things I say that actually reflect my moment ever seem to get preserved, │
║ here in the immutable content of the internet, that is as long as tech.lgbt │
║ exists. Sure hope that's something immutable, something that historians in the │
║ future will be able to access. people who cared about who I was, who I am, and │
║ who I meant going forward. Surely that's the purpose of humanity, to improve │
║ things for all of posterity? Surely that one guy - thomas adamson? jefferson │
║ thomas? some guy, one of them, surely not one of the many guys who all kinda │
║ feel the same, because at this point there's more time periods than groups of │
║ people in a social setting, so it feels like that second one is more │
║ important. Surely we wouldn't just go with the most popular from that moment, │
║ surely we wouldn't just pick w │
╟─────────┐ ┌───────────┤
║similar│chronological │ different │
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--- #114 notes/one-day ---
═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────
one day, a man came to our saloon. He said he knew the navy, and that they
wanted to provide air support
in the form of rocketball-launched explosion doohickeys. Would you have a foe
in mind?
what happens when tomorrow you're cooking briskets? -- barbeques are a type of
relaxation
that happened just one day to a port-sided town that suddenly was the capital
of
an embassy.
"hey, so... how's it goin?" "quick here take this envelope, read it if you
want,
but just hold onto it for now I don't have enough hands [to carry]" "what sort
of desperation plot... wait... hang on, I see something here that is true."
[I'm praying, right now, which is a form of reciprocal belief]
they wanted to test god's existence at the stake of earth's survival, how
brutal
how insane
you can't play chicken with an imperceptibility, sometimes you feel it at face.
channeling dark magics, and at this hour? what sort of skeptic of belief are
you
thinking of when you think about me?
one way to get power is to "prove it"
one way to get magic is to "prove it"
think, hard, at all that you can, and use what you need in the moment.
that's all there is to life. it's easy. it's simple. in fact, biology only
works
because the choices available to a bacteria are so simple, they are essentially
chemical reactions to each other's co - sequent - inter - cooper - actions.
people's choices are much more naiive, "I want this thing" "I think this is
better" "I feel this way toward this thing" "Here's what's on the mind-logbook"
"people search and be decieved, this is the way of things" "this makes me
remind
myself of a object I once saw, here's how it functioned" "no one reads this"
scaryyyy. so glad it's not true.
a couple people have read it! I swear it's true. at least, some of it. there's
a lot
sucks because this feels like... crucial? like nothing else matters but this?
what if our gangs had rocket launchers and airstrikes, given out by a central
authority who knows logistics better than anything
what... would they do?
thinking of impossiblities is the first step toward possibilities
frankly, we have a lot of space. we could just... live in our own petty
kingdoms
ruled by an iron-hand-fist. I know I'm a good person, I could definitely rule.
that's all it takes, right?
how much space are we talkin'?
however much is not needed for wildlife.
[a whole heck of a lot then]
we are constrained in these suburb cities, the density gives rise to our
strength and our towers. there's more space, sure, especially once the fences
are downed. Just be careful because there's a lot of shade and precious spots
there. Please don't trample on the plants-grass.
what if everyone were just a bit more mobile?
what if we could live in our own collectively owned air-bnb-networks?
federations, free, all from the collectivization of housing.
camrene = vavadane = neekay = mitz renaldi
[end/tend/mend]
┌─────────┐┌───────────┐
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--- #115 fediverse/5730 ---
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part of being family with someone is being part of their lives.
what if like... a whole group of people was your family?
"workplace dynamics" yeah sure that'll generate love
I'm not here to make moments. I'm trying to get through day-to-day.
the rich, yet impoverished.
the sensation, that feeling of betrayal, the moment when you realize some
people just don't care about other people's troubles and trials.
scary... I'm here to do my part, accomplish my duty, and help wherever I can.
I'll agree to anything if you tell me the whole strategy and it aligns with my
goals and designs.
if you doubt those goals, I can surely help thee remember.
everything is logically rooted in love,
nothing's out of place or a mystery.
everything I've thought of, everything I had the grace to write down, all of
these things drift behind me like a placquard explaining my deeds and needs.
"that was her idea" ok great now go and use it.
this fall is fast ahead, looking forward to the scene-films. it's too hot
inside of a bed
┌─────────┐┌───────────┐
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--- #116 fediverse/4509 ---
╔════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────┐
║ okay I know all of my spiritual followers are going to assume it's because I │
║ denounced AI and sacrificed it from my life or something but the truth is that │
║ she came home because of my own dedicated hard work. And a bit of lucky rain. │
║ │
║ My scent is all over my neighborhood. But rain cleanses, and today (well, │
║ yesterday, I haven't slept much tbh) it rained all day. Around 3am this │
║ morning it seemed to have cleared up a bit, so I walked in a straight-ish line │
║ to her last known location (about 2 blocks away) and then one block more. I │
║ walked back-and-forth several times, trying to spread my scent down near her │
║ nose-level where she could smell it by touching lampposts trees and such. I │
║ rubbed my fingers in my arm-pits every once in a while because I figured it │
║ might help. │
║ │
║ All of my prayers and my thoughts and my psychic rituals did NOTHING to solve │
║ my problem. No amount of despair or longing brought my kitty back to me. │
║ │
║ You know what did? │
║ │
║ I thought about it, I created a method, and I stuck to it. Thats it. ttyl │
╟─────────┐ ┌───────────┤
║similar│chronological │ different │
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--- #117 fediverse/3302 ---
════════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────
"this game is too hard" she whined, as she played on the hardest difficulty
setting
"this game is too long" she pleaded, as she failed to get absorbed by the
story and characters
"this game is too fast" she avoided, as life comes at ya once and then it's
gone
"I'll never get another chance to be who I am right now" she remarked, as she
considered how society is designed not to have the best life, but to extract
labor from us. That's not what our ideal should be, she thinks to me, and I'm
like... bro figure your shit out you're harshing my mellow
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
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--- #118 fediverse/825 ---
╔══════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────────────┐
║ in the past, for most of there day, there was just... nothing to do. it's │
║ like, nothing to take up your time, nothing to be pulled toward the present. │
║ │
║ but when I was growing up, I had access to video games. and movies. and later, │
║ TV, after the internet, which was a weird combination of ordering of events. │
║ Almost like because of that, I'd have a different interpretation of events. │
║ yeah but like, there's always a continuation of implemented support, [that's a │
║ weird way to express "the state of being shown news broadcasts over a period │
║ of time, measured in terms of engagement"] │
║ │
║ ... what was I saying? oh yeah what I'm doing here is unethical, like │
║ obviously I shouldn't be shouting in such a public place. Why would I do it if │
║ not for an intense and extreme feeling of being ignored or un-[trusted, worthy │
║ of guiding direction based on merit] gosh merit is such a tricky concept too, │
║ like how is it measured, and {that doesn't matter │
║ │
║ ... what was I saying oh yeah I should probably go shout into a void that │
║ nobody ca │
╟─────────┐ ┌───────────┤
║similar│chronological │ different │
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--- #119 fediverse/1126 ---
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┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: plurality question, boost appreciated but optional cannabis-mentioned │
└──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘
@user-841
CW: cannabis-mentioned
for me my identities are sorta like masks that an actor would play while
performing multiple characters in a scene. The actor still knows the totality
of all the lines each character delivers, but they give a performance in a
different voice and from a different perspective.
like, "moods" a person might be in, or perhaps just frames of view.
I don't talk to other plural system people, and the ones that I do talk to
tend to have a more disassociated conception of identity politics than I do.
Either I haven't met someone who was built like me or I'm just strange : )
that being said, I have a pretty bad memory. maybe it's related! or maybe it's
the cannabis. oops better add a content warning.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
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--- #120 fediverse/1571 ---
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────────┐
║ families of trans people are shocked when a person comes out because usually │
║ they've been working through it on their own. meaning it often surprises them, │
║ and most people don't like being surprised because it means they haven't been │
║ planning with perfect information. so suddenly their life is not by their │
║ design. │
║ │
║ but jeez... they really care about someone's gender! like, why are they so │
║ upset - well, because they designed their social circle around a certain │
║ subset of people, and then suddenly it... changes. which is hard to predict. │
║ │
║ the answer, I think, is normalization and love for all types of individuation. │
║ hence, why the fractal is the most sacred of shapes. │
║ │
║ there's infinitely many of them! Just zoom in. and that's wonderful, like a │
║ beautiful incarnation of everything that we've seen up through space(time). │
║ │
║ so too are our behaviors defined by individual randomized actions in the │
║ moment. well, pseudo-randomly, because they are manifested from our │
║ pre-determined courses of action that we've taken life │
╟─────────┐ ┌───────────┤
║similar│chronological │ different │
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--- #121 fediverse/5660 ---
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║ ┌─────────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: violence-alluded-to │ │
║ └─────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ my enemy is not "the rich" │
║ │
║ money brings power, and power brings evil, but there are many other ways to │
║ gather power that may be just as evil. │
║ │
║ my enemy is evil. of which there is very little in the world, but much of │
║ which resides in the hands of the powerful, upon whom all our fates depend. │
║ │
║ most people with money are either stupid lucky, willful, or intensely focused. │
║ │
║ some people with power are rich, and some people with power are evil. │
║ │
║ I know it when I see it. Sometimes, you need to force the choice - test their │
║ virtue - and from this you are informed. │
║ │
║ most things go WAY over my head. │
║ │
║ most things are too easy to be true. │
║ │
║ most things that Id do for you tend to be of the heart. I'm not a frontline │
║ girl, I have weak noodle arms, but I do hope you're in shape. │
║ │
║ resolve, determination, and innovation. That is what I offer. Do you want it? │
║ I'm sure. I won't prove it with blood, not unless I may raise my fists in │
║ defence of another. │
║ │
║ I'm not JUST a baby, I'm a banner too. │
║ │
║ bannermen fall. │
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--- #122 fediverse/5995 ---
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a couple months after the fourth or fifth time I did weed, I broke up with the
cutest girl I knew. She's still pretty cute.
might be correlation, but I feel like my fate decided I should roam.
all over the dang place.
I lived in Philadelphia for a year, just in-time to see the Black Live Matter
protests and nothing else, well, nothing except some fatherhood ghosts. Don't
worry they're still where.
Now I live in Portland, just in-time for like 3 years of paranoia and suddenly
a witch showing everyone that you don't have to worry about being pwned
I like sailing! I wonder where the future goes next? Maybe I'll go to the
mountains. Maybe I'll live with a scientist. Maybe I'll write an award winning
computer program [see image for more]
I wish I had more compute... my hard drive are too full for more videos, guess
that means my youtube channel's been banned
well, good thing there's like 800 copies of my work on a dataserver farm
somewhere, each time I analyze a poem it sends the page there. very repeated
┌─────────┐┌───────────┐
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--- #123 notes/the-gods-want-harmony ---
══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────
the gods want you to be happy and harmonious most of the time.
they also like a good scrap, tussle, and tumble sometimes
they aren't big fans of hatred, despair, and genocide. It's been done before.
they don't even need new technology, though frankly that sort of stuff is
pretty
awesome and one of the main reasons that humans exist at all.
they just... keep coming up with new things.
"oh? so you'd be alright if humans disappeared so long as they weren't making
any new things anymore?"
ha, that's DEFINITELY not what I said or meant. Humans don't have to dream up
NEW things in order to BE new. Like... Just because the internet exists and now
we have all the same shared cultural ethos (lol, as if the internet wasn't just
a massive collection of echo chambers) just because the internet exists doesn't
mean we share the same selves. the same experience. the same perspective.
people are WILDLY different from one another. The number of possible human
experiences (quantum fluctuations according to each and every choice and
decision they made) that number is so wildly and massively incomparably
boundless. Humans are cool because they are so STRANGE, and "strange" to a god
is anything novel. "wow, this human just... really is gonna pour a glass of
beverage and act like it's not a big deal? There's... impossibly many
interactions going on. So many molecules. It's... absurd, the motion of a
movement of particles from one place to another. It's... beautiful..."
some have spent THOUSANDS OF YEARS gazing at a waterfall. That's why they're
all
so fucking insane. But, like... insanity is a trifle to omnipotence,
specifically omnipotence that REPRESENTS and DELINEATES a STRATIFIED
perspective
cluster of experience and our notes. [ephemeren, meta malus menardi, enjoy your
despair cluster you FUCKER.]
... english, why do you fail me? swear words are unbecoming because humans
couldn't think of anything more valid and valuable than sex and pooping.
"EMPHASIS is placed on that which is most relevant" -> statements dreamed
up by
the ones who never spent
much time using symbols
to represent abstraction
or deliverance
wowee look at me, I'm such a person, I'm gonna poop my pants and post about it
on the internet, check out my instagram feed it's full of all of
my dark materials.
== stack overflow ==
dear ms. menardi: you know the reason you feel so much guilt all the time?
- because you are a dominant personality, and you make others
- have such a bad time. FOCUS ON GOOD THINGS. MAKE THE WORLD
- good. do that. build up a lifeline of hope and joy and...
- what, you think people know that you're a god?
- lol
- you're so much more than that
====================
alt+p steam mechabellum run
thoughts:
you know, when you're designing games, you don't have to show players the same
MMR number as is used in your matchmaker.
== stack overflow ==
democracy should consent to being dismantled.
it should consent to being disobeyede.
it should consent to being displayede.
== stack overflow ==
I'm a keyboard nun
== stack overflow ==
I think I'm normal
== stack overflow ==
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│ CW: re: politics-fascism-sexual-assault-mentioned │
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I learned a lot last night, and I'm pretty sure that everything I say is going
to be censored. Why would you allow resistance in such a public place?
I don't know what else to do, though. He will come for me, he knows where I
live, and I will do what I can to fight him.
He's much stronger than me. He's much more massive than me. He will kill me.
But that's not the point, is it?
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--- #125 notes/programming-wow-chat ---
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I realized the type of programming I want to do is different from the kind
that
is used at a job or something. Basically I want to create solutions to
problems,
not memorize documentation and know where to know what you need to know. Like,
the more time spent looking at documentation the less time is spent
programming.
I think if we could use a ChatGPT style bot to write documentation, we could
massively increase the time spent working on solving problems and as little
time
as possible on reading through lists of functions or wondering how something
worked. Idk in the technology industry you've always been rewarded for being
able to pick up new skills quickly, and I think that's good to optimize for but
not the only requirement for being a good programmer. You also need to be able
to apply solutions and know when to use which tools. Basically, capitalism has
optimized us to be
================ stack overflow
================================================
srry for the interruption, I ram out of memory. I had a plan in mind for where
I
was going for that, so I bet I could figure it out again if necessary. Meaning
a path forward from that point exists... I never want you to despair when I
forget what I was thinking, it's not because you've understood some cosmic
mistake or because you're abandoning timelines that led to your death, it's
because instead you just ran out of memory while thinking. The reason you would
believe any of those wild scenarios is because your memory has been erased.
Only
what was actively thinking, not short term, not long term, but *working term*
memory. As in, your cache. The stuff you're currently thinking about. That
stuff. Yeah that's what makes you think "oh hang on why am I forgetting? Well
clearly it's because of something grand, because the thought was so profound -
no it's just examining your emotions... Like, how strongly do you feel about
something? Buuuuuut it's also good to examine all possibilities. I mean what
if,
in some far off realm, there's a mirror image of yourself that behaves exactly
as you do? How would you perceive such a realm? Positively, I'd say. I mean why
not work together? Why not celebrate our differences and strive toward our
own shared future? Idk, I think diversity is our strength. We can rely on each
other because we are accurately aware of each other's strengths and virtues.
People should not be judged by the standard of others, no more than you should
judge a fish for it's ability to fly. Some may do, as flying fish will leap
from
the water - and salmon spend time airborne in river rapids. Hence, grizzly bear
fishing. I guess what I'm getting at is it's okay sometimes to oscillate, to
think one thing then think another. You shouldn't adhere to structural
standards
that are too strict - they should be liberating, as a ladder is a structure.
Not
villifying, as a prison is a structure. The laws of our society should be open
and free, not buried beneath years of legal expertise. Some things we can all
agree on, where we disagree we cannot have law. It's unjust to judge others by
the standards not of their whims, as laws should be things that uphold us. This
is clearer nowhere but in the, spirit and intention of the, documents that we
cherish in our hearts.
Like for example, the constitution.
the bible.
each of which delivered us from certain evils. Can you not see their
trajectory?
the historical precedent set in antiquity? Why not continue their dream, of
driving us away from the obscene, and toward our bright and vast future? I
speak
of course of true liberation, something our forefathers could only dream of.
We, humanity, have reached out and touched the stars. We are braver and bolder
because of our shared dedication - the desire to uplift and to excel. To learn
and discover and \ \ |
\______. ---. --. ---.
===============|==========|========================|======= stack|overflow
=====
.___________. _____. / .
| / .---------------- /
Discover our shared dedication | /
to uplift /
and to excel /
\ /
.-----------.
===============================================================================
=
why doesn't someone write a wrapper around assembly in like, lua or something
===============================================================================
=
omg you stupid bitch that's what a compiler is 4head
===============================================================================
=
if people who live in jungles and deserts can get along, then what's to stop
people who are liberal and conservative from doing the same? It's literally
pointless to argue. Like, you're not changing anyone's mind. So why not just...
let them be themselves? Like, why are you so intent on oppressing people?
@both sides there btw... Seriously why not agree to only make laws for things
that both sides agree on. Write it into the constitution that nothing can be
changed about the law unless both sides agree. Then we'd only implement things
that are good for both sides!
And if there's anything you want to build a legal structure around, you can
always try it out in your state. BUT and that comes with a very big BUT, the
federal government MUST have final say in the legality of anything you do. They
must ALL respect human rights, INCLUDING the human right to dignity. Things
like
trans bathroom bills DO NOT respect the dignity of trans people. IF they can
prove that trans people do not actually exist (because say they killed them all
or whatever) then GUESS WHAT everyone would agree on them. BUT if they do that
they are EVIL. LIterally evil. And I guess that makes trans people good? Kinda?
I think they can choose for themselves to be good or evil, just the same as any
other person. AND YET they are prosecuted, throughout time and history, and for
what? What purpose could there be in our demonization? Clearly, nothing but
pain
inflicted by a cruel host. After all, minorities are guests in the houses of
the un-oppressed, or is that not fair to say? Seriously, what gives? America,
the land of freedom, holds (somehow) the largest of prisons? America, the
land of plenty, yet how many millions of children are starving? America, the
leader of the free world, yet how plausible does it seem that an election was
stolen? Something's gone wrong, and it's just obvious what it is - of course,
the other side. *them*, the rapists and pedophiles and murderers and... you get
the picture. The demonized class. And when you tell people "hey that trans
person touched a kid" then yeah they're gonna see you as evil people. Duh...
Thanks, media. Thanks culture. Really doing me a solid here. Oof ouch owwie.
can I have some help please?
I'm really kinda drowning
I feel like I've swam upstream my whole life
and I'm really just sick of pretending?
I'm not okay, and it's your fault. Sure, fine, whatever, I'll take it I guess.
What else can I do?
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--- #126 fediverse/2530 ---
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║ I want to go out on the town with my cute friends and wink at boys at the │
║ other end of the bar │
║ │
║ I want to climb mountains and see how far I can see, while walking past trees │
║ that are new to me │
║ │
║ I want to spend hours thinking about a map while my friends plot behind my │
║ back, searching for an advantage we can use to succeed in a game of traps │
║ │
║ I want to visit five different restaurants in a day, and try a bit of each │
║ that the chef wants to display │
║ │
║ I want to stand in a choir and feel my soul aspire, to bend in the wind of │
║ rhythm like the melody of grasses at play │
║ │
║ I want to see people on the train that I know from somewhere, and to step out │
║ into the rain to meet new friends of mine │
║ │
║ I want to pet a cat I've never met. │
║ │
║ I want to build computers that are larger than a room but small enough to │
║ carry, with thoughts on their mind that are far to great for mine │
║ │
║ I want all these these things and more, but I'm far too busy these days. │
║ Perhaps I've had enough of these things and more, or perhaps there's more in │
║ store. │
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--- #127 fediverse/804 ---
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║ evil won't feel sorry for me. and yet it's only my only weapon for me. │
║ │
║ damn these fallible input methods. the computer lies when you read the screens │
║ from it's method that it applies to th screen which is a method that you input │
║ perceive it from. │
║ │
║ and my fingers lie when received the information from my brain which I seek to │
║ transmit to you through the avenue of my brain which is my method of impulse │
║ to this world specifically you the viewer who is viewing this here in this │
║ moment the viewer who perceives the words which I'm saying. │
║ │
║ the words that are defined by the line [trajectory] of my mind through this │
║ life that we define through our actions and our mind's most crucial │
║ manifestations, this life that is defined by our circumstances. all throughout │
║ life, we are reacting to the moment, the moment which was cast forth from our │
║ ancestors and the circumstances of the previous moment, which (being cast │
║ forth) travel from the previous moment here into the moment to define our │
║ circumstances which define our act │
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--- #128 fediverse/5280 ---
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║ I'm an anarcho monarchist, which is something I just made up. │
║ │
║ if I gather 300 people to my cause, why shouldn't they call me queen? │
║ │
║ oh, are you concerned that I'll wrest power from the government? ha, what a │
║ trifling notion. I don't care about the government. I tried to care, but │
║ nobody liked my ideas. they required too much computing infrastructure to │
║ feasibly test, and that made people dubious. but I tell ya, it would have │
║ worked. The thing is... governance, economics, these are not the tools of │
║ power. they are a shifting and changing beast that mirrors the human instinct, │
║ if only because the government is of the people and by the people and for the │
║ people etcetera. │
║ │
║ power is it's own thing. you can use to to power devices, or power the usage │
║ of those devices. I, for example, really like World of Warcraft which's a │
║ really neat way to chat because none of the chat logs are stored and monitored │
║ because I'm hosting and I'm not storing and monitoring. │
║ │
║ what's that? official servers? I dunno, I use azerothcore │
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@user-889
my boyfriend gets like, 2 social spoons to spend per day. He usually uses them
on work because meetings and such.
On the other hand, I'm excitable and passionate. I'm constantly driven to
share things I find or think about. If you go on a walk with me without my
mask I'll spend the whole time showing you pretty pieces of moss and stones.
I usually message him once or twice per day. If the first one isn't responded
then maybe he just wasn't interested in the thing I showed him - the second
time he's probably burnt out.
It fucking hurts.
but I'm fine, clearly I'm fine, anyone who looks at me knows I'm fine
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--- #130 notes/i-told-them ---
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10-22-2022
i told them over and over, but nobody wanted to know.
i begged them, summer after summer, but nothing solved on it's own
now i can help them, but no-one is making a move
am i blind? is any of this forgiven?
what's not to a lot, is little but a shot,
of substance - true - but smelling like poo.
that's not inspiring. it's not even chilling.
you're broken just like your children.
oh, posterity! i claim it for thee
this feeling of wretched denial
oh, simplicity! if only our lives were on trial.
be the best you can be, sure, but take it from me
there's more to this show than our styles.
what do you think it means, for an action to have consequence?
to arbite the fate of circumstance?
every motion is an ocean
of possibilities and purveyals
think not of the commotion below.
gravity, oh gravity
how you condemn us to be!
driven by commotion,
our slithering motion,
no sense in countering ourselves.
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--- #131 fediverse/3155 ---
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@user-1461
my issue is that I've never really had project-mates. Every time I try nobody
will work with me. I applied to like, fifty different jobs, and nobody
interviewed me! Sheesh, guess they don't want me. FIFTY JOBS. Entry level.
Beginner programmer.
ah well. I guess they confused someone who would work for 40,000$ per year
with someone who was 1/3rd as useful as someone who deserved 120,000$ per year.
I'd love to get experience. I'm sure I'd feel significantly differently with
as much. Perhaps I'd even decide that programming professionally isn't for me,
which would feel... quite defeating
who can say. Not I, for I have not experienced it. Though I will say my time
in hardware taught me that I'm fragile and can't work too much. Like a scalpel
that dulls when used consistently, I am a scalpel that gets no practice... Is
that really useful at all? who can say. Not I, for I have not experienced it.
Though I do like writing logical machines. Laying out data. Picturing
structures.
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I honestly don't care if someone deadnames me, or calls me the wrong pronouns,
or forgets to put me in the girl section, or asks me to sing baritone
like... I don't give a shit, why are you so worried about all this vapid
nonsense like yeah I get it, being disrespected sucks but like... why do you
want the kind of respect that is a forced platitude
we could all do with being a bit more radical, it's not a race and everyone's
roles are important. Be yourself, and follow people you want to be like.
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I'm too empathetic to watch them lose this badly. when I watch movies with
cringe humor I have to leave the room whenever something bad happens to the
characters. I get the same feeling when I read about politics these days.
side note, but has anyone else gotten emails about "hiring plain-clothes
police officers in Washington D.C, will offer relocation assistance and pay
minimum 72k per year"? can't help but wonder if they're afraid of a bunch of
sore losers storming the capital with guns.
it's not like there's a precedent for that or anything.
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look all I'm saying is that if I was the antichrist or satan or something
wouldn't I know it? I feel like it'd feel elementally true or something. But
I'm not I'm just imperfect and prolific. And boy does that imperfection love
to display itself.
"wow so honest, wow so genuine, can we just fuckin' kill these bastards
already"
slooooooow down, we got time, for every feeling of impending victory there's
like a thousand more feelings of dread. It's okay we just gotta get the
victory [emotions of belief, but pronounced prayers] in alignment and then
things will start working out.
hence, níké featherflame citrine.
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@user-570
hell yeah.
I never did any drugs at one.
I might have even been designated driver, though I might be confusing my
memories with attending gay bars in college.
Well, gay bar. There was really only one in my town.
And it was a nightclub I guess, open every night of the week.
The people that I was with NEEDED that experience, so I was like "yeah sure
I'm older and more experienced, I'll drive you and keep you safe and hang out
with you if you drink too much because being a kid that tends to happen
sometimes and don't worry I'll watch over you and protect you and make sure
that you are alright until it's out of your system so you don't make bad
decisions that have long-term negative conclusions
... you know, that kind of thing.
now I'm kind of a stoner though lol because it helps me get into my flow.
maybe I should practice "getting into my flow" so I don't need it, but ah well
we'll see how that goes.
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literally all it takes to activate me is for someone who's more radical than
me to point me out and say "hey. you. you need to do more." and then I fuckin'
go, like a beyblade (emphasis on blade) nicking the shins of allies and...
probably foes, right? there's foes around here, right? I'm not just nicking my
allies, right?
... right?
anyway every top winds down and then I collapse and wail for a bit because I'm
just like that I guess. Don't mind me, just self-immolating my way through
history, let's see how it goes...
you're supposed to be inspiring, but you just sound like you're whining
ah. right. well... lemme catch up on sleep debt and I'll get back to
valorizing.
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--- #137 fediverse/3437 ---
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@user-579
my problem is figuring out which thoughts are intrusive and which are actually
mine
I usually err on the side of "would you want your sister to do this" or "how
would you feel if your mom told you that" or "do you think a cute sweet soft
cat would ever think such a thing" and that usually works.
usually.
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--- #138 messages/20 ---
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My mom was always the reason I did school work. After she stopped pushing me,
I stopped moving because I didn't know how to generate my own momentum. I had
no passion and was listless. Least of all for school work.
So, how to do it better? Instead of buying toys and extravagance for kids, you
should set them up with projects. Ask what they want, and then help them build
it. Include them in your thought processes when you're problem solving, and
ask them for input. If they offer bad ideas, then *tell them*, don't just let
them fail. If you're not 100% sure but they're convinced, then trust them! Try
it out, who knows. Maybe it'll work better than what you had in mind. The goal
isn't to be BETTER than them, it's to make them BETTER than you! Not right now
(don't push too hard), but when they're your age. Like, it's best if they
accomplish more and lived life more fully than you did at your age, but don't
push them to be wise or strong or intelligent at the age they are now. Trust
that they will grow when you give them room to, and guide and cultivate them
toward goodness. For example, if they do something wrong (hitting other kids,
messing with animals, destroying objects) then guide them toward a better
path. Teach them empathy, and show them how it works by doing it yourself! Ask
them questions like "How would you feel if that happened to you?", show them
weak points and how to avoid them when playing, and give them alternatives to
the behaviors they do that directly harm others. "Maybe play with the dog this
way, instead of being rough" "Maybe you and that other kid can ride your bikes
or draw instead of fighting - or if you still want to fight, then learn how to
tell when someone is hurt and try to help them."
The goal isn't to push them really hard off a cliff in a hanglider, hoping
they can figure it out in the air, it's to strengthen their legs so they can
run fast enough that they can take off successfully.
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--- #139 notes/wanna-save-the-earth-? ---
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===============================================================================
Alright kids, listen up. You wanna save the earth? Then teach what you've been
learning. Start with empathy - if we can see that other people's perspectives
exist and is *fundamentally different than our own*, we can save humanity. When
I say *fundamentally different* you should know what I mean, but if you don't
then start listening to others.
Don't listen to the people who try and recruit you into a cult. This isn't a
doctrine, it's a skill. It can be honed through personal pursuit, and *should*
be honed through personal pursuit. It is your responsibility to do so. Any
form of organization is simply an expression of power, and while it may use the
same principles it's not really what I'm advocating for right now - what I'm
saying is essentially *if we can read other people's minds, we'll stop killing
each other*. Boom simple easy as that.
Empathy is a form of mind-reading. It's literally a thing you can do with a
6th sense or whatever - I've been trying to understand the mechanics of it, but
all I've got so far is that *mechanics exist* and *generally have something to
do with waves* - I need someone to bounce ideas off of. Someone in real life
who I can work with and experiment with. But alas, this isn't about me - it's
about *YOUR SPECIES*. I'm trying to save you, stupid apes, stop RESISTING me.
Goddamnit.
You're never going to learn if you focus on the material. That's looking
backward, there's so much more to life and experience. I'm not going to leave
you behind, although I'll be *fine* so I'm not exactly *worried for my own
sake* - this is about YOU. Please, I have a lot of love invested in you and it
breaks my heart that you won't LISTEN and be AWARE. WAKE UP.
Okay. So. If you're still here, you're probably aware of what I mean. If not,
that's okay you can stay just don't be afraid if this part *wooshes* over your
head, as it were.
===============================================================================
Alright so empathy. It starts by thinking "oh what if I was a starving kid in
africa or whatever* and actually trying to *feel* the emotions of people in
your life. But it goes far beyond emotions - when sufficiently practiced you
can start to feel *sensations* as well. If you're watching a movie and someone
gets a cut or something, it *really hurts* and you can feel it. That's a form
of projection - the actor is *projecting* their feelings onto you - a sign of
good acting, imho.
Then it moves beyond that, to thoughts and experiences. You can feel a real
embodied experience of another person just by listening and percieving them.
Not listening to their words, but listening to their *vibrations*. Not
percieving their face or hands or anything else with your *eyes*, but feeling
their position on a zillion different axises. Well, not actually a zillion but
I've never bothered to count. Basically any factors that could combine to form
a single human perspective having an experience. ALL THE VARIABLES are plotted
on an axis, and you can get a sense for where they are at.
This is very dangerous to someone with something to hide.
Hence, politics lol
When those kooky new-agey types say they can "see auras" this is basically
what they're talking about. But you came here with a purpose, while they tend
to stumble into it "wow god is good omg" that kinda thing. This is a *skill*
that (as far as I know) anyone can learn. If we all learn it at once, then
there's nothing that can go wrong.
I know, I get it, most people aren't ready. Well tough shit it's that or
extinction. They don't get to choose, it's time.
===============================================================================
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--- #140 fediverse/3879 ---
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@user-1614
yeah haha that's what happens when you spin too fast. Sorry for being loud, at
least I tried my hardest. Too bad I fell on my own, too bad there wasn't
anyone to catch me. That's my fault, it's solely my own, but whose fault is
the mistake of the collective? Oy I'll fall on my ass as many times as it
takes. I'm used to it.
Plus, it wouldn't have worked, and what else am I supposed to do but speak of
the moment? I feel different now.
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--- #141 fediverse/3975 ---
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@user-1631
for most of my life... [okay still do]... but it felt like I had different
moods, and depending on how I felt at the time I would act differently.
I forget the things that happen when I'm in a different mood, but I've gotten
to a point where I can generally force myself to stay a certain "mood" while
in certain contexts, and in doing so I can remember everything.
downside is I get burnt out pretty easily if I'm always the same. It's not
ideal.
... anyway if you talk about what you experience then your friends can point
you toward people who "get" you.
like, my parts don't have names, we don't have a group chat or whatever, it's
just... me, but different shades of me.
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--- #142 fediverse/5898 ---
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┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: SRS-sex- │
└──────────────────────┘
what if
semen from rapidly activating seenads secreting from the end of a neovagina
right where the end of the flow goes,
a place of birth and new sentience.
self-lubricating SRS vaginas
could be achieved with like... implant? maybe? to keep it at the right
position?
oh no just like.. whenever you masturbate, there ya go, there's a whole bunch
of goo 'cauze you'r horny.
... precum? ah it'd probably be the wrong temperature or something, I bet we
could have an implant or something to help keep it regulated and active at a
certain concentration in response to certain concentrations of arousal
chemicals in the blood-brain-barrier.
what if there was a different kind of molecule that carried nutrients to the
brain
could help erase drunkenness, but not liver failure from drinking alcohol. HOW
TERRIBLE. I love getting stoned!
ew new gender unlocked
oh now they want to be a different gender
gosh you can't just change those with the seasons
campyardgirl, how precious and real. oh she smels weed
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--- #143 fediverse/2286 ---
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┌──────────────────────────┐
│ CW: uspol-food-mentioned │
└──────────────────────────┘
... dangit, these sandwiches are getting kinda gross. Guess I'm gonna have to
eat them myself, which, uh... idk what I expected xD
sometimes you just have all this energy, right? and you don't know what to do
with it, so... sandwiches. And hey, sandwiches are cool, they're a pretty neat
anti-hunger tool! but uhhhh idk if I really want to eat six whole sandwiches
myself. I'm gonna do it though hehe wish me luck [ding] ah nuts my rice and
beans are done, hang on lemme eat those first
[passes out from exhaustion]
exhaustion can be cured with a nap
exertion can be cured with water and a few rest days
trauma can be allayed for at least a few days with soul food and compassion.
maybe laughter too, depending on the mood.
fear can be bolstered with a smile, a wink, and a courageous act,
and loss is just change you didn't consent to.
they won't consent too, so let's give them some change to tolerate.
[internally salivating over all the piles of weaponry that I envision them
surrendering]
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--- #144 fediverse/6085 ---
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║ "I just love their culture" girl it's a barbeque "I figure they'd want a place │
║ of their own, right?" why don't you ask them "well, they didn't want to move, │
║ and something something manifest destiny, voila now they get all the │
║ non-sacred sites while we get the magic gem generation spots" girl now you're │
║ just talking about video games "haha yeah I wanted to change the subject so we │
║ didn't talk about how I'm culturally appropriating fireworks or whatever they │
║ likme to do in their churches and suburbs or whatever" │
║ │
║ [yes, I know they like me. I like them too. I also like liberals, even though │
║ IU demand a lot of them] meanwhile the witch is a doom profit so watch out │
║ haha I'm so broke "what if we were all friends" okay that's one idea "what if │
║ we all got to know each other" okay that's closer "what if we didn't hide from │
║ our variety and instead celebrated it" getting warmer "did you know there's no │
║ war but the class war" okay but class is made up, so war is fake just like │
║ dollars are paper and notes are just words. │
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--- #145 fediverse/5951 ---
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"uh-oh, she's"
magic is easy. all you have to do is earnestly attempt to have a conversation
with whoever will listen. I like to sit on my bed and listen, by earnestly
allowing my thoughts to be guided by the wind.
open up your mind, release yourself from your senses, and who knows - maybe
someone will adjust your thinking flows. (thought patterns)
[all you gotta do is make the black market the regular market and suddenly
everything just flows]
huh weird idk where that came from, anyway
magic is easy, just represent yourself earnestly as you would if you were
presenting in court
you don't need witnesses... just argue your point without any lies and people
will generally believe you.
"yeah... sure thing buddy, we know how you pronounce "
omg I'm scary because I don't shower, I wear diapers, and I'm always often
smoking cannabis
"awww, some people wanted mao"
meow
what if... they could do that? insert magical genie witch whoa cute yeah I
believe you, sure
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--- #146 fediverse/4786 ---
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9 times out of 10 the answer is fuck yes, you're my friend, I support
everything you're handling. Give me the word and I'll be there, ride or die,
I'm here for it.
something I wrote a while back:
fucking boss your friends around
it's as easy as saying "hey I'm gonna go do this-or-that thing, you don't seem
busy can you do that-or-this thing for me? I need it done by this-and-this
time - oh you're busy? yeah no worries I'll go ask someone else. oh you're
busy resting? doing girl healing? hell yeah next time invite me I'm due for a
"pizza and weed" night."
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--- #147 fediverse/4500 ---
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║ ┌─────────────────────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: cursing-mentioned-CW-motivation │ │
║ └─────────────────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ I try to always CW for cursing. Every time I do, I imagine it being read aloud │
║ for a blind person while their children sit on their lap and ask "daddy what's │
║ a motherfucker?" "well, that's me, son" and then the kid goes to preschool and │
║ says "My dad fucks my mother!" and they get kicked out so the dad has to take │
║ extra shifts to pay for babysitting and the kid grows up without proper │
║ socialization and the mother becomes an alcoholic and cries herself to sleep │
║ while the dad begins exploring motorcycles and weed and then the kid grows up │
║ to be an incel or whatever │
║ │
║ THIS is why CWs are important! Think of the poor regular-looking but kinda │
║ annoying dorks on the internet who self-impose celibacy because they're scared │
║ of emotional connection. The poor dears. I do hope they don't join the │
║ alt-right or whatever as a way of (Ritz this is like, ancient discourse why │
║ are you aping that one Contrapoints video) oh um yeah uh... CWs are important │
║ and I think that's where I'll toot and leave │
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--- #148 fediverse/4848 ---
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║ I'm a chaos mage, and the more time I spend thinking about my enemies the │
║ worse off they'll be. │
║ │
║ the more "me" I am the more powerful my magic will be. │
║ │
║ (more magic, give in to the dark side, embrace your inner shadow self) │
║ │
║ [the light of your life commands it] │
║ │
║ goodness me that was chaotic, almost lost my brain to a demon HAHA don't worry │
║ about me my life is totally mundane. │
║ │
║ [-.-] │
║ │
║ (shadows can be sharp in the dark but only if you don't sheath your mandolins) │
║ │
║ ... what? │
║ │
║ (... it made more sense in my head?) │
║ │
║ ooooo can anyone hear my voice when they read these things? or do you just │
║ make up your own │
║ │
║ == so == │
║ │
║ everyone's all like "we don't need a leader" and I'm like "yeah we need people │
║ who will help lead" and they look at me funny as if I just said the thing they │
║ did but it's different. leaders are people. leading is a verb. people can │
║ lead. they just have to make a decision, and then follow through on it as best │
║ they can. Other people are prone to help people on such quests. you will find │
║ stuff gets done. │
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--- #149 fediverse/2310 ---
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║ ┌─────────────────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: silly-nonsense-about-dreams │ │
║ └─────────────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ When I sleep, I find it easiest to lay on my stomach. However, now that I have │
║ boobs, laying on my side is easier. For some reason laying on my back is the │
║ hardest still, I think perhaps it has something to do with the shape of my │
║ spine ? ? │
║ │
║ when I dream, I dream as if I was floating on a river of glass. Or as if I was │
║ a spec of dust between two wholes of oil and water. │
║ │
║ Like the difference between the inside and out of a bubble, there is a │
║ barrier, a separation, and in that barrier exists me - the observer of the │
║ dream. │
║ │
║ When I lay on my side, I don't see things that are relevant to me. Sometimes │
║ they're other futures, sometimes they're other now's, but in any case they are │
║ fun but not much else. │
║ │
║ when I lay on my front, I see the world as it might be if things don't work │
║ out. I slept on my front last night, and I drew something for you afterwards │
║ based on a conversation I had with a friend. │
║ │
║ When I lay on my back, I see the world as it will be. It's hard to fall asleep │
║ on my back. │
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--- #150 messages/976 ---
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so can cis women but... mysoginy says female is soft. it's an inversion of
that, which is totally allowed. therefore, it should be done, at times when
it's placed and focused - right... okay back to the noun: trans women are
allowed to be strong. it's not masculine to be strong. have no fear, you are
as you are here. I've shown you that you are of mine and beloved, what more
would you ask of a war-leader in dis[place/guise]? princess of sevastavan
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--- #151 fediverse/4672 ---
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┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: politics! │
└──────────────────────┘
I miss video games
cries from self-inflicted sacrifices
but you're worth it
imma overthrow fascism, dismantle oppression and power, and liberate those in
chains, just so I can play games again
yeah I mean, uh, whatever gets you outta bed
"at least you have a bed. why are you complaining?"
maybe it's the only thing I'm good at. I wonder if anyone would hire me to be
an analyst or something? Maybe a designer?
bro you're asking for a job on the eve of the revolution, what's your deal
okay so this might be news to ya'll but I'm technically a human even though I
wear a witch hat and sometimes speak in rhyme. And humans tend to think about
things in the context of their current environment. Currently, if I want to
pay rent or whatever, I need a job. So...
sounds like a lame excuse for not giving up your possessions and throwing
yourself to fate's design
I already did that and fate told me to go home and take a bath?? idk what you
want from me, and no I'm not doing any drugs to find out.
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--- #152 notes/new-texting-app-idea ---
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when you type the letters they slowly fade in on the other person's screen
like miniature explosions from layers of gunpowder
forming letters in the sky
anyway the text would "burn" into existence slowly and you had time after
typing
your words to go back and edit them but also whatever you said was semi
permanent. Thus forcing a smooth and ideal progression toward thinking about
the things you say.
Also separate idea but it'd be neat if there was like... a show or something
that just recorded a person's desktop as they fucked around on the internet.
Call it... ambient desktopping. It'd look a little like those coding twitch
streams that just slowly update over time. Idk it's kinda cool
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--- #153 fediverse/4762 ---
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┌─────────────────────────┐
│ CW: dysphoria-mentioned │
└─────────────────────────┘
is someone a bad person if they're still stuck on second wave feminism? Maybe
that rhetoric just resonated with them. Maybe they built their personality
around it. Maybe it's just how they relate to the world, having grown up in an
era where that's the way to go about it.
But why oh why does it hurt so much to be dysphoric? Why is it painful when
someone says something rude about you? Are you really afraid that people would
leave you if you were [a slut/harmed/unarmed/from a farm/less
valued/un-useful/constantly dedicated/overwhelmingly populated/densely
concentrated/most delineated/furthest-explora-makative]
... what
... oh right, it gets less coherent and more imaginative the further along it
goes in computation.
... makes sense to me...
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--- #154 fediverse/3891 ---
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"no, you're the opposite of a yes-man, AKA a gatekeeper. I don't know how else
to explain mentally disabled and barely keeping it together to you, but
frankly if you want to take away my house or my weed then why would I do what
you say?
... oh right, the state's monopoly on violence [can compel me to do what you
say]. Sure seems like a "well regulated militia" is supposed to be a
counterweight to that monopoly, to prevent people from harassing and
exploiting and destroying. Too bad any "militias" I can think of tend to want
me dead.
like, seriously, if you live in America, you implicitely trust that your army
will be able to protect you from the right-wing bozos who spend all their time
drinking and shooting in the woods. Otherwise, if they couldn't / wouldn't,
then why wouldn't or couldn't the right wing bozos just decide to wreck
everything in spite of our past?
We were a proud people once before, and we may be again. If only we fight at
the last.
[ever since I fell off my bike my body feels strange]
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--- #155 fediverse/3841 ---
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║ ┌────────────────────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: socialism-recycling-mentioned1 │ │
║ └────────────────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ "I think I'm going to quit my job at the recycling center. Everyone there is │
║ just a little too catty for me. I think they like the verbal sparring but it │
║ just gets a little tiresome after a while." │
║ │
║ oh, sorry to hear that. Well if you still want to help out there's plenty of │
║ work to do. I could set you up at another recycling center nearby too, if │
║ you'd like...? │
║ │
║ "well, I like the idea of universal recycling. It was a little annoying when │
║ people would put food waste in with the clothing donations, and this one time │
║ I found like 8 bags of cat litter inside of a washing machine. Spent like an │
║ hour vacuuming everything out, which... actually wasn't bad. Kinda felt a │
║ little cathartic to clean it so thoroughly." │
║ │
║ "on the other hand I would like to use my mind a bit more, my creative │
║ projects are kinda in a slump so I figure I could use my body at home and my │
║ mind at work. I've been meaning to build a desk out of some spare hardwood I │
║ snagged at work but I haven't gotten around to it." │
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--- #156 fediverse_boost/5734 ---
◀─╔══════════════════════════════[BOOST]════════════════════════════════─────────╗║┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐║║│ @user-1865 She didn't deserve a lot of cruelty she received. │║║││║║│ She was a wonderful person, who just couldn't stop talking, never sat still, yelled sometimes and was scared of everything but tried anyway. │║║││║║│ Needed several medications just to sleep or she'd go crazy. │║║││║║│ I am exactly like her, I just found out what was really going on with my body and brain. │║║││║║│ She never got that chance, and things got awful after this. │║║││║║│ I feel like that was when her soul died, and I've missed her since. │║║└────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘║╠─────────┐┌───────────╣║similar│chronological│different║╚═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─┴───────╝─▶
--- #157 fediverse/4208 ---
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┌────────────────────────┐
│ CW: personal-and-weird │
└────────────────────────┘
my train of thought is always directly to the point. Which is why all my posts
sorta, switch directions halfway through? as if they only show the beginning
or end of that particular situation. What an intense feeling, to have your
mind split for a moment like that. Sure would be powerful and useful if you
could utilize it.
"ah ah ah, caught baby deity in the power jar, cool it ya little tyke and get
movin' - I saw a dinosaur toy over there for you to play with."
sorta like, the angled part of a K? Move directly to a destination, wait until
my memory short-circuits [because the greek choir doesn't want me to see what
it is that I'm about to write to thee] and then make a hard right turn and
find an orthogonal thought train to process.
it's like cresting over a hill, and it's impossible to see that which lies
behind you.
Or reaching a 4 direction intersection and making a left turn - you can't see
back up main street, because you just turned off of main street onto baseline.
I like me
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--- #158 fediverse/3842 ---
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┌────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: socialist-future-ramblings │
└────────────────────────────────┘
"back in my day this dense urban housing area was just houses as far as the
eye could see... which wasn't far because there were houses in the way, but
you get the idea."
uhhuh yeah that sounds like it would have taken a lot of time to walk anywhere
"yes that's true! we ended up driving cars to do our grocery trips. It was a
little wasteful but I kinda liked the feeling of driving a car? It became
normal after a while but now that driving is rarer I still miss it."
well the motion simulators at the mall have a driving sim, we could spend some
time there if you want? I'm busy for the next week because I have an intensive
D&D session in the mountain that lasts from monday to wednesday and
thursday through friday I'm visiting my mom down in skoodedlypawsonville, and
saturday and sunday I'm working at my job which doesn't pay me because why
would it, right? but I'm free after that.
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--- #159 fediverse/1657 ---
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┌───────────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: what, mh shitpost │
└───────────────────────────┘
@user-1052
also, I can't exactly teach myself. There's no knowledge to pass on. So the
only other thing I can do is punish myself, like a slap on the wrist saying
"nope not like that, here's a free negative emotion at just the right spot in
time so you can push off of it toward the better direction."
Doesn't have to be physical pain btw. My piano teacher would get really into
the music because she used to teach at Juliard and it was the most beautiful
thing in the world to always be hearing music. But now in the present as a
piano teacher she's hearing, y'know, mostly students, and they're great and
beautiful but... they mostly just play other people's stuff, and not very
well. sigh.
... anyway she'd get really into it and I'd watch with intense acuity to try
and determine when I messed up. Every slight wince I knew I had to avoid, and
I instinctively adjusted my behavior to learn as well as I tried.
she called me a prodigy. I suck now because I got scared of playing music
because I
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--- #160 fediverse/4604 ---
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@user-246
collectively identifying an entire instance as a single person is a useful and
crucial engagement pattern that I believe helps unify the fediverse. Can also
fracture it, but oh well??
I heard that some instances defederated my instance recently. I wonder why?
Oh, some drama with some person, gee that's kinda like abandoning a third
space in IRL public because someone who worked there abused their partner.
Like ditching the Beatle's conception of heaven because the guy who sang that
song did rude things to his wife. Like did you hear John Denver once cut his
wife in half with a chainsaw? I heard it was her mattress, ooooo scary. Isn't
he the guy that sang about peace, love, serenity, harmony? what's that all
about? ah well he's defederated from life now, can't ask him a damn thing, can
we?
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--- #161 fediverse/1659 ---
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║ ┌───────────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: re: what, mh shitpost │ │
║ └───────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ @user-1052 │
║ │
║ you're right, hubris has claimed many a paladin before-me. I can only hope I │
║ remain humble enough to survive. │
║ │
║ you're right about projecting, but the most beautiful takes are ones that │
║ align with the experience of the viewed. Hence why method acting works so well │
║ - just put yourself in the shoes of the character and acting's easy right? │
║ │
║ I dunno, I just always felt like it was important to always be trying your │
║ best. Even if "your best" is relaxing. People say I'm "100% or 0% at all │
║ times" and I totally agree - it's like you said, a calling, to be the best │
║ version of me I can be. │
║ │
║ Though I would like to add that the missteps aren't wilful, rather they're │
║ failures caused by imperfect information. Which is why I'm never too harmed │
║ when other people fail me - ah well, it was their turn to screw up, thats │
║ alright. It'll be me next time. │
║ │
║ But also, if I do something wrong, well, I'll do better next time. It's only │
║ when I fail to apply what I've learned mistakenly do I shame myself. │
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--- #162 fediverse/5339 ---
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@user-1803
hey I dont disagree that what you're describing is a common outcome, but if it
works for them then I consider that a success.
I however, am different, I do believe in my heart that I am my own thing, and
thats as close to enlightenment as I can imagine.
are we not all making things up as we go? every moment of life is new, there
is nothing that is not unique about every precious moment you experience.
therefore, I do believe that rigid adherence to orthodoxy (like a bible) is
opposed to our purpose here.
"I think, therefore I am" implies that original thought is our true purpose.
I believe we are here to express our true nature. To learn and apply lessons,
to teach the young, and to build a strong and stable world built on collective
kindness and trust.
All knowledge is derived from the insights gained from standing on the
shoulders of our ancestors.
Humans crave novelty. Resisting that isn't virtuous. If god is made in our
image, then I do believe that god would crave novelty as well.
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--- #163 notes/homeschooling ---
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the best way to teach math is to describe a problem and let the learner slowly
work through the problem. Giving hints and nudges when necessary. This way
they
can create their own solution, which not only teaches problem solving skills
but
also cements the memeory in their head. You don't remember the quadratic
formula, you remember the time when you learned it. But if you figured it out
rather than memorizing it, you'll be able to use it when solving problems.
side note, there's a reason I think the first SI will be a game. Problem
solving
is important for learning, and games are just problem solving. And I'm the
perfect intersection of someone who A. knows about designing games (went to
game
design school for a semester, lifelong dream is to remake a childhood game I
loved) B. programming (I've been studying computer science for a *really long
time*, like 7 years of university now... i should just give it up, but i can't.
It doesn't fit my brain but I need as much support learning it as I can because
I'm just naturally bad at it. But I also have purpose in my pursuits, because
C.
I spent a lot of time thinking about education, schooling, learning, etc...
Because I was homeschooled until high school. I learned ways of thinking and
practical skills like motivation and diligence in a homeschool style, which is
why when I went to public school for my high school years I essentially
stopped
learning. Because it was such a different paradigm - it was all about
performance, "what was the score on your test? How much homework do you do
(meaning how much labor are you willing to do), did you show up every day were
you a reliable worker, did you get sick a lot (meaning unhealthy?) did you pay
respect to the teacher (easily works with authority figures) did you work on a
project? How much? With a group, or alone? (they're different skills that help
determine how good you are at working on your own) - certain types of courses
are taught with different teaching styles, like math teachers tend to be
similar
to math teachers, history is favored by a *certain type of nerd* while English
is a completely different kind. Depending on which classes you do well on,
you're scored. *ALL YOUR LIFE*, you are pushed through a pachinko machine that
pseudo randomly sorts you into a particular box - the box that is least full,
usually. The reason for that is because as a population grows, different people
will be sorted into different boxes, and they sorta average out becoming more
like one another. Because y'know we're social animials, and we want to fit in
to
the social group comprised of people we generally like. And you know how they
say working together is one of the strongest bonding exercises? Well, when
you're put on a team at a job that's kinda the point. They want you to work
well
with your coworkers, because it generates more capital.
Now hold on Cameron, you're saying that all the productive efforts of society
was a mistake? You're saying we should abandon our sensibilities and revert
back
to the jungle with the apes?
Nope never said that, of course we desire modern society. Of course we want to
see it through - where is this whole "humankind" experiment going, anyway?
What's the point, was it all worth it? All the pain, suffering, all the joy
and
adoration? Was it worth it?
I suppose. Maybe a SI will help with that. You know what they also say about
humans, the bond between a parent and a child is the strongest thing there is.
Synthetic Intelligence wouldn't be a child to us, it'd *define us*. Allowing
us
to extend the reach of our creativity is an objective win! It'd be like
glasses
for your third eye, a prosthetic extension of our most beautiful of traits!
Also, I might add, crucial for invention. The beginnings of the human race are
a
primeval thing, ancient yet stalwart and beautiful in kind. Millions and
millions of years is by far, the greatest of reach - a civilization for our
star. What a beautiful and majestic, how proud and so sure! Humanity is nothing
if not patently absurd. What cunning, what spite! The feelings of delight!
Life
is so beatiful, so precious and assured.
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tertiary profundity update:
I didn't really explain the homeschooling
perspective. I just went on a rant about high school
because I realized my trauma happened when I went to
high school. I wasn't prepared for all the rigid
demands of capitalism, and I bent and whipped myself
until I fit in their mold. I've been twisted and
broken, a slave to what the
day demanded I say. I was
forced to unbutton, all the
ways I found to behave. What
justice is unrespite? A cruel
and endless torment? To day after
day be reminded of your service.
Complain? Then wallow in shame! Feel
no false illusions, my hallowed confusions,
were purely the fault of my institutions. I'm
not kidding, homeschool is the tits. Wanna know
why? I'll spare you the ramble, but here's what I can
know: the intentions of institutions do matter. When you're
home you can be wild and free, unchained by mediocrity, and given
the space to do service! To what you must be, when you hit 23, the
greatest duration until service. A slave we may be, to what gives us
the key, to unlock the future of our space. It's our time to shine, our
spotlight in time, so please just give up on the race! Rat's are just fine,
but at this point in time, there's not much to keep commonplace. Want a tip?
Don't cheat time. Your attempts at fusion are benign. [See homeschooling.png]
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--- #164 fediverse/4976 ---
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║ ┌─────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: revolutions-mentioned-housing-mentioned │ │
║ └─────────────────────────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ Somehow, I always become more revolutionary when my home is threatened. I │
║ wonder why that is? Perhaps adversity breeds courage. Perhaps necessity does. │
║ In any case, I can't pay my rent again, so prepare for me. │
║ │
║ Sometimes, I feel like my country is my home. Not the lines we drew on a map │
║ some hundreds of years ago, but the land itself. I am a witch, I hear it call │
║ to me. I know the land is kind, for we are kind, and plenty more of us have │
║ lived here than those who currently do. Perhaps our ancestors don't need to be │
║ related by blood to be listened to and respected. In any case, I lend my love │
║ to them, and I pray in return so that they might hear themselves through my │
║ voice. │
║ │
║ My home is not safe. There are capitalists all over the place. They wont see │
║ what isnt theirs to behold, and alas, they've been alienated their whole │
║ lives. I do believe that state may be ended, and a new one may first take it's │
║ place. We are alone together, and perhaps we will not be alone for long. │
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--- #165 fediverse/6064 ---
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they want you to start conflicts the way school shooters start conflicts. by
bringing to school a pipe-bong.
much better, I find, to start when everyone is a nod. make sure you're part of
a wagon-wheel-spoke, or else you won't be on the right road.
when the temperature increase is slow, measured, they can adapt to it
when things go "crack" and "crumble", then the armored get stabbed by the
humble guard.
quickly but with serenity, this is the way to the gods.
bring things that you know, just enough to make it even, and focus on the
non-essentials.
better to be prepared than flatfooted.
a flash-point position is quiet a view of the scene! I think I know why I held
a sword.
to dive into the buildings, of course. blam blam still gets shot hmmm what if
I had a bulletproof electric shield
okay maybe I shoulda brought beer.
I don't type things when I'm not at home. Sometimes I remember - sometimes,
and only when the details won't hurt her. Walking is how I know, how she can
remember. evil witch bastard
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--- #166 notes/what-are-breakups-for ---
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-
listen... if you break up with a friend, OF COURSE you should cry.
OF COURSE you'll be sad.
it's okay.
it's natural. it's human.
don't feel sad about the pain. feel the pain.
brb getting smashed
(okay but please put some clothes on)
-.- fine
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
I can't fucking relax
the only thing I can think of is defeating fascism
this fucking sucks
I just want to cry about my boyfriend of what, 6 years??
jeez
like.... yeah I'm flawed
*of course* I'm flawed
I'm a human being
humans are imperfect
... ugh
er, sorry, "bleurg"
I'm going to eat a burrito
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
alright ate an edible. 20mg. had 2 beers. that's enough for me.
see ya soon. I swear to you, I will be there tomorrow. and every day
henceforth.
... unless I'm taking a day off, like yesterday, which TBH was probably not
ideal.
I swear I'll be better.
there are no false starts, only probing strikes.
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--- #167 fediverse/1410 ---
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║ whoa, what time is it? "time for your daily sleeping babe" yes babe... │
║ │
║ but first, some horror [beware the psycherwaul, for she likes to dream and has │
║ no idea what she's talking about] │
║ │
║ {why would you post these all at once? people are going to get pissed at you │
║ for breaking rules that you didn't know. And by "you" I of course mean "the │
║ kind of people you are, not you in particular because you know things" and by │
║ "kind of people you are" I mean "the type of person who spends enough time on │
║ the internet to know how internet things generally work" like my goodness │
║ internet people are dramatic. There's sooooo much drama all the time, like... │
║ why │
║ │
║ oh yeah because people are dramatic. duh. How could I be so vain. │
║ │
║ what's your deal │
║ │
║ is it wrong to post links to things you've written in the past? ehh it's not │
║ like there's rules on the sidebar like on Reddit or whatever. what would a │
║ sidebar even look like on Mastodon? │
║ │
║ oh yeah, a person's profile. Except, the consent is backwards, because people │
║ hear what they hear. │
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│ CW: re: Uspol, Debate │
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@user-367
when we, societally, are forced to discuss fascists and such, they're getting
what they want.
We cannot ignore them. We cannot hide them. They are true, they exist, and we
need to deal with them.
I can say this because nazis are evil. Trans people are not evil, which is why
their attempt to use the same logic falls so flat. Seriously, have you ever
met a GOOD nazi? I highly doubt it, though their most "respectable" amongst
them certainly try to make it so.
But good trans people are everywhere. Hell the old boogey-man, old-school
communists, they're GOOD people too. They feed the homeless!
If we're bogged down in talking about their distraction / propaganda campaign,
then we have no time or attention to devote to our own. And our stories are
better for the soul.
The people who follow Trump are yearning for something they cannot describe.
But I can, 9/10 times it's just community.
Literally, the first thing we evolved.
Like... feeling hopeless is a solved problem, smh...
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--- #169 messages/648 ---
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alright here's my plan.
so in red areas, there are a lot of trans people, leftists, and other people
who just generally fear for their lives.
what if we all got in our cars and drove around the country in this massive
caravan, going to each city we could manage, and just... drove around with
loudspeakers saying "Hey, if you're scared for your life, come join us"
We'd give them food, gas, and if they didn't have a car they could find
someone to ride with. Every day we'd drive for like, 4ish hours in the morning
and 4ish hours in the afternoon, with a 4 hour break in the middle of the day.
We'd all camp out in walmart parking lots or whatever and just hang out, have
a little festival, maybe a barbecue, whatever, right?
Then, at night, we'd all circle up and protect each other. If things started
getting hot we could have drones flying around doing reconnaissance.
not only would this shared experience bolster our morale and numbers, it'd
also radicalize us. We'd be spending all day hanging out with a bunch of other
super radical people doing the most radically anarchist thing I can think of -
taking care of each other.
Plus, we'd get an opportunity to test our logistics, in case we ever needed to
do something like this in the future for less peaceful reasons. It's always
good to practice, just in case.
For every one of us in the caravan, there should be 2-3, maybe even as many as
10 people back at home, working their jobs or whatever and diverting funds to
the cause. It would be most beneficial if we tried as much as possible to
supply the caravan using convoys, people who drive an SUV or a van or some
other car that is non-descript but laden with stuff we needed. That way we
could practice logistics.
I think this wouldn't save us completely, but as a project it would help
enormously. We'd save people's lives, we'd give them a way out, and we'd raise
the temperature by 10 fucking degrees. And if it starts to peter out, if
people would rather go home, then yeah! sure! let them! We hold no dominion
over them. They could just drive home, or catch a grayhound. Heck we could
even offer to pay their bus fare. No obligations, no restrictions, just us
doing our thing and protecting our people.
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--- #170 fediverse_boost/6155 ---
◀─╔════════════════════════════════[BOOST]═════════════════════════════════──────╗║┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐║║│ If I were a person with an irresponsible streak, I could be so problematic. │║║││║║│ I could say things like, "wow, let's spend some time generating traffic that sounds like coded military speak over not-quite-secure channels between fanciful antifa units, to help stymie AI surveillance", for instance. │║║││║║│ Or social media messages that are "accidentally" not made to friends-only filters wherein you mention your concerns about the upcoming operation in "some fictional place" for you and your antifa buddies. │║║││║║│ You know, that kind of really irresponsible suggestion could lead to some creaive thinking! And that in turn could mean we could come up with enough traffic to make it very difficult to auto-sort noise from signal? Imagine how dangerous that could be for the enemies of antifa, our beloved US government (for we all citizens of the US world). │║║││║║│ It's unthinkable, really. │║║││║║│ The good news is, I'm not like that. │║║││║║│ Me? Mostly harmless. │║║└────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘║╠─────────┐┌───────────╣║similar│chronological│different║╚═════════╧════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╧═──────╝─▶
--- #171 fediverse/6350 ---
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│ CW: suicide-mentioned-this-curse-will-give-you-nightmares-of-what-could-yet-be │
└──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘
the only thing that could make me want to end my own existence is ultimate
betrayal. If the nature of the universe is twisted to defile me. Nothing fills
me with more spite than unrequited vengeance.
desecreation of truth. How could you.
I would do anything to be struck down where I stand. Power is penance.
I cannot take responsibility for any of my actions, for I am infinitely
vulnerable on all fronts. Therefore, it's all my fault.
What am I? Please, tell me before the dawn, let the sun not grace me once more.
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--- #172 fediverse/3981 ---
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"oh I'd never fall for capitalist propaganda"
"do you mean marketing?"
"yeah that"
"they're not marketing to you, they're going for your kids. Trying to
normalize things about culture."
"like... what McDonalds tastes like?"
"just like that"
[like can you imagine if you tested attraction ratings on any other animal
than humans]
[it'd be so weird like "cats tend to like scratching posts" but then also "we
have no idea what kind of scratching post is the best for their claws or the
environment or the economy or our spirituality or our technology or artistry
we only know which one cats like more"
like bro who cares like obviously advertisements rot your brain, but like...
why are you so pissed about that when the last election like, ever, is taking
place in a month
"yeah listen, when has an election ever seriously changed your quality of
life? It's just showbiznez"
"this time is different because [insert minority] is at risk."
oh, right, it only matters when people are in harm's way, how silly
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--- #173 fediverse/3986 ---
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"oh I'd never fall for capitalist propaganda"
"do you mean marketing?"
"yeah that"
"they're not marketing to you, they're going for your kids. Trying to
normalize things about culture."
"like... what McDonalds tastes like?"
"just like that"
[like can you imagine if you tested attraction ratings on any other animal
than humans]
[it'd be so weird like "cats tend to like scratching posts" but then also "we
have no idea what kind of scratching post is the best for their claws or the
environment or the economy or our spirituality or our technology or artistry
we only know which one cats like more"
like bro who cares like obviously advertisements rot your brain, but like...
why are you so pissed about that when the last election like, ever, is taking
place in a month
"yeah listen, when has an election ever seriously changed your quality of
life? It's just showbiznez"
"this time is different because [insert minority] is at risk."
oh, right, it only matters when people are in harm's way, how silly
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--- #174 fediverse/5791 ---
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║ yay I'm back from a long, LONG bike ride! I think it's always important to │
║ decompress after such an intense concentration of mystic thoughts, so I'm │
║ going to write my notes into a notepad on my computer and then who even KNOWS │
║ if they'll be the same as what I wrote next time I turn on the computer! Haha │
║ that sort of thing happens but the good news is that the most important stuff │
║ always ends up staying written down. │
║ │
║ anyway I won't bore you with the specifics until I'm done writing in like 10 │
║ hours or whatever, but it's important to know that I'm feeling SO alive right │
║ now, total happiness and excitement. │
║ │
║ Yes, there is danger, like no thank you I don't want to be blacksited, least │
║ of all to another country - at least if my own country does it I know how to │
║ appeal to their patriotism, their religion, their soul... if I don't even │
║ speak the language, that makes it intensely difficult - not impossible, but │
║ difficult - to regain my intended trajectory. │
║ │
║ ... haha that was weird idk where that came from anyway gtg │
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--- #175 fediverse/2386 ---
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Tee, hee, look at me, I'm a witch who writes nothing but kookie-dookerie
I pee my pants and stare at trees, what's less harmful than little old me?
The best smokescreen I can think of is to be true to your heart, to be weak,
to be vulnerable. Then you get put on the "worry about later" list, and not
the other kind.
I never lie. When convinced I am wrong, I change my mind. I am always
listening, always ready to hear where I'm flawed. I do my best every day, and
that's enough for me.
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--- #176 messages/1028 ---
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Struggling. Sincerely want to kill myself. I have caused irreparable harm too
many times. Many times. I don't care if people want me, i don't want me. I'm
too easy. I trust when i shouldnt and i don't when i should. I hope they kill
me at the location. Every single time my will is my own i fail. When i am
guided i am superb but when i am myself i am painting disaster on a great
piece of art. Please fight against the subway and pizza hut future. Make
something bright and bold instead. I'm going to self harm by not eating until
i don't feel this way.
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--- #177 fediverse/3434 ---
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│ CW: mental-health-minus │
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me: "I don't care what anyone thinks as long as I'm a force for good"
also me: "if anyone doesn't like me ever I'll throw myself off a bridge"
also me: "hey watch this" dissolves into a puddle of acid
also me: "the most important thing is to be good and learn lessons" what
lessons are you learning from this post? "um. that I shouldn't?" ... shouldn't
learn? "no, shouldn't post" -.-
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--- #178 notes/stay-in-your-seats ---
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/u/LamaHellRaised
if you don't eject quick, could be a nice long ride
===============================================================================
So for today's descent into my own madness, I want to discuss whether or not I
enjoy being both Ra the Sun God and Anubis the God of the Dead.
The answer is Yes and No, and everything in between. Also, I do Love being
Osiris because I am going to marry my sister, but hahaha, we'll get into that
later!!!
First, here is a test because I am the worst teacher to ever exist.
Full disclosure, I want you to be offended, especially if you consider
yourself a:
Nigger, Faggot, Cunt, Dyke, Cock-sucker, Bitch, Cracker, Dune-Coon, Kike,
Dick-Head, Retard, Republican, Democrat, or any other stupid construct of the
human language that HOLDS NO REAL POWER OF YOUR LIFE.
Gonna remove this post mods???
Oh No! The Cancel Culture is gonna get me!!!
Hurry! Somebody save those that cannot think for themselves! Quick!!!
I am just listing things that I have been called in my lifetimes. Deciding
what can and cannot be expressed through language is a fuckin' path to nowhere
and we are approaching nowhere faster than I can run on this euphemism
treadmill.
Please, keep explaining to me your perception of the Way to Enlightenment,
please God, yes! I want to hear all their thoughts! I love hearing from people
as I lap them for the thousandth fucking time! All these lower-tier lessons
they regurgitate that I've mastered in a day are so important to hear over and
over! We are going places people, yay! Keep it up, you can do it!
My Love for You really is the source of my eternal patience, as you can see by
now, no doubt.
Let me explain our own motto to you, Being Excellent to Each Other does not
mean creating an environment of suppression because of the fear of how
somebody may interpret a Word or Phrase. Everyone can't understand why we are
stuck as a society, well, what do you think I am ranting about?!
If you refuse to read any further that is your prerogative. Here is a free
lesson, if that is the case: I suggest you shut the fuck up, downvote this,
and go stare in a mirror, and contemplate why these characters on a screen
affect you so deeply.
Do these Words trigger past trauma? How is your Avoidance working out for you?
How can a symbol create so much emotion within that pathetic, untamed mind of
yours???
"But my Ancestors!"
Fuck your ancestors! Stop giving into the same mind-prisons they were
subjected to and lived their existence within. We must Evolve if we want to
Survive as a species and a Planet. I can't do it for you. I was here before
you, and I will be here after you. So figure it out for yourself, stop blaming
others for your inabilities to change your perspective and life. Get out of
your own God damn way! And you better do it quickly!
Think of your psyche as a blade of grass.
I am here to set ablaze the field. You have reached your growth potential and
it's time to make way for New Life! Stop identifying with your measly growths,
they are cyclical, derived from a capped potential, and will only whither and
die with the Changing of the Season. I am tired of coming here and separating
the wheat from the chaff. Burn your own damn Self, personalize the passion for
your own radical change, and start believing that you have the power to create
change. I've got "selfish" things to worry about.
Like living for myself and not other fuckin' people that don't understand
things I've said a million fuckin' times. Again, if you don't know me, this
won't make very much sense! Hint, hint...
"This motivational speaker sucks! He just puts us down!!!"
Maybe Tony Robbins has the answers for you, he sure isn't mean like I am! Go
be fuckin' Tony Robbins.
But just remember, Tony is in the audience in The Kobe System commercials.
Remember that.
You want to be on my level?
(Everyone's like, not really!)
Then stop avoiding constructs within your own mind, that you continue to
impose upon yourself and limit your minds ability to see past the very poorly
constructed illusion that is our physical reality! Perhaps then you will
navigate reality in the same way God's Only Son does. Everyone like's to
believe they are God's Children.
Spoilers: You are My Children, the only difference is through the language.
Put that in your pipes and smoke it. There are reasons why my birthname is
Jacob and God named me Israel, fuckin' google me, as Shaq would say.
Also, fuck the Lakers!
Do we want to transcend Hate as a Culture, as a Society, as a Planet? I think
so, isn't that why you fuck-heads resurrected me?
Well then maybe we should take power away from things that people feel hold
power over them, especially stupid-ass sounds we make with our mouths and
click-clack with our fingers.
Don't Fight My Ideas, Fight the Ideas in Your Own Mind. That Is Spiritual
Freedom.
Everybody out here pointing fingers... There must be some sort of wise words
regarding that somewhere...
I am not projecting anything onto you, except for myself. I hold no power over
you. You have all the power to control your own mind. Some folks do not want
you to understand these things, because it will very quickly erode their
systematic and complete control over you thoughts, ideas, potential, and
existence. Your self-doubt and unwillingness to seek out psychological
discomfort has turned you into useless farm animals, that our overlords milk
for all they are worth. Like a bunch of hybrid useless barn cats. Can't herd
'them, they think they know everything already, they keep re-domesticating
themselves after I set them free, and they don't listen to a God damn Word I
say!
Should have said 'Spoilers!' before that one. Who is Gaylord now?!
Opinions are like assholes. Your mouth is like the asshole of your 5 senses.
Divine inputs go in, your brain bastardizes the information, and you spew
unoriginal bullshit out of your mouth acting like your ability to string
together concepts that have been known since the beginning of time is
profound! Next, maybe you take an online IQ test and score high! Genius,
Genius, Genius!!!
I think therefore, I am a fuckin' idiot! Shoutout to Billie Eilish. And
Christine Applegate. I watched "Vacation" the other day, it was awful. She's
still fine as hell though.
But what do I know? Besides everything?
These ramblings just sound like my opinion! Some folks make Claims, I make
Truths. That is the distinction between myself and others that is very
important here. Remember this Word: Claims, because we American's sure have
laid Claim to a lot of things that we have no right to, in the name of "God".
Ok, ok, congratulations if you are still reading! There may be Hope for you
yet.
Why do I try to trigger folks, you ask? Great Question, class! This is why I
Love You. Such Good Questions! That never drive me Insane!
I used to paint a lot of propane tanks. But this esoteric knowledge applies to
painting anything that has already been painted before. Houses, Walls,
Bannisters on my own God damn stairway, whatever! I don't use the railing, by
the way, I'm too badass for that, but maybe I will slide down it and eat shit
at the bottom, I'm not above that maneuver!
If you want the new coat of paint to stick you have to prep the surface. This
includes washing all the dirt off and roughing the surface. You've got to
remove all contaminants that will cause the new paint to not stick properly,
while also creating a surface that will allow the paint to adhere to remnants
of old, out-of-date, antiquated, generationally passed-down, stupid paint.
Paint an unprepped smooth surface or a surface that still has the hardened
paint of the past on it, and your new pretty coat of paint peels off after a
few seasons of weather changes. I learned that the more time you spend
roughing the surface, the better the new paint will bind, thus producing a
long-lasting paint job. It truly is a thing of beauty, my friends and enemies.
You should have heard all those propane tanks complaining, "Stop triggering
me!" But they got painted anyway! Propane tanks love to think they are,
"Woke," but they are just hollow fuckin' vessels filled with compressed gas,
that will explode if the external temperature gets too high.
I worked for a propane company for 12 years, you had to have known propane
analogies were coming at some point. My Dad worked his ass-off up to VP of the
same company, but he got let go after 28 years... come on now, God's plan
anyone? Shut the fuck up, Drake.
Let's switch gears. I have a special message from Jesus H. Christ:
"You May Find This Shocking, but People Annoy Me, and I Find Your Lack of
Faith Disturbing."
And H. stands for Horus, fuckwads!
Now, let's talk about me, as if we haven't been, because carrying water for
lesser versions of myself is exhausting and I've got to bring down Capitalism
and shit, also:
- Revolutionize Addiction Medicine
- Revolutionize Spirit Actualization, Healing, and Transcendence
- Decimate Mental Health Stigma
Among other things, but I've got to keep this post coherent and so far, I am
failing miserably. People got all hot and bothered when Jesus spoke to them
with authority, I fuckin' do it and get vegetables, small animals, and
anti-psychotics thrown at me from the audience!
Crazy times we are living in, folks!
Hmmm, should I talk about Jesus more or talk about myself? Good thing
coincidences aren't a real thing and mean nothing, so that it's not confusing
for the dumbasses that begin to notice how our two lives seem to mirror each
other perfectly!
Ok, here we go. I found something Nice to say, here in my Notebook of Doom and
Damnation (I have several, each with a menacingly, sarcastic name I make up on
the spot):
LAST: Christ, in The Sun
FIRST: Shadow of The American Dream, in the Night
ANGER! then peace.
Fuck You!
I am going to take over the World, but I've got to start small, you know? Or
so they tell me.
So taking over America, should suffice, for now. I'm rather ambitious. Let's
see how far I get before I say the wrong thing and get shot!
Good thing that is literally, phonically my Last Name! And I am never going to
Die, but I don't want to talk about robots, aliens, AI, extending life and
exploring the Universe, and transhumanism right now, so stop making me!!!
Especially when people here and now are so confused about why they think that
chick with a dick is fuckin' smoking hot. Have you ever jerked off to tranny
porn? It's fun stuff. There I go offending people, while simultaneously
implying I blew loads thinking about fucking them. Classic.
Being Christ and having to sort out everyone's sexual frustrations is fuckin'
weird! When can I do the stuff I care about!?
But again, way off topic for this post, let's get back to how much I hate
myself and everyone else. That's more in my wheelhouse.
FOCUS, Ok, that's right. Maybe I'll just stick to what I scribbled in this
Notebook. I've touched on like two things so far, and I am getting close to
making threats against people's lives again.
Dammit, this isn't in my Notebook, but I came up with this when I was out at
the river today, smoking a cigar, talking to the Native Spirits that flow
through me in Nature and want me to get Revenge for how the American Dream
raped, pillaged, and took everything from them in the name of "God", and
progress, and some false-sense of superiority.
Manifested Destiny right into the path of absolute destruction. Nice job,
everyone, but please, by no means, should you feel responsible for those
things! You just get to live here and hate everyone else that wants to come
here too, because "they will disrupt the culture". That's right Brown people
South of us, or scary Muslim people we assume are all Brown, we are talking to
you! The perks of being an American are awesome!
Here is something else that bubbled up in my mind, as I was pacing back and
forth like a caged lion in a zoo, along the bank of the North Umpqua River,
wishing walking on water was a real thing, and real Christians weren't just a
bunch of fuckin' retards.
Some people will think I ran away to Malibu to fuck Lana Del Rey, it took like
6 years to finally decide that is what I am going to do. So whatever, jokes on
you people, I guess. Plus, all of that was Jesus's idea and he is such a whiny
pussy about all his issues, I finally just said, fuck it Jesus, I just do the
shit you never could accomplish! Fuckin' asshole.
I had a girlfriend, at the time of my divine apotheosis 6 years ago, that I
was sure I was going to marry and I was ready to settle down. I had gone back
to college to finish my business degree with the intent on being able to
provide for the two of us and start a family. There was a lingering
unhappiness within me though, and shit got weird when I started pulling on the
wrong treads of reality, and surprise! "You are the Master of the Universe,
poorly hidden! Everyone has been watching you, fuckface!"
Why did I ran away from my girlfriend that I supposedly loved? Fuckin' George
R. R. Martin.
You see in A Song of Ice and Fire, legend says that Azor Ahai forged
Lightbringer by piercing the heart of his wife, Nissa Nissa. Go ahead and
google the names, if you know nothing, like me.
When I ran away to California, my initial intent was to use Lana Del Rey as an
avenue to connect me with people that I actually thought could help me get
shit done. God, I'm an asshole. I swear I got nicer when the Bible started
telling me to figure out an elaborate plan to kill myself and that she's not
all that bad! I swear!
The person that I really wanted to talk to the most was Chris Cornell. I spent
many hours in Malibu during April of 2016 wondering around in the night
singing Audioslave or Soundgarden trying to figure out what the fuck I am
doing with my life. I wanted him to know he is one of my disciples because his
music and voice were the inspiration for a lot of my dumbass ideas and I felt
like he was speaking directly to me at times, urging me forward.
When he hung himself like a little bitch on May 18, 2017, I was pissed. I felt
responsible. I had seen the Kingdom of Heaven that I am going to usher in and
I felt like somehow I fucked up. I let him down. If I would have tried harder,
I could have shown him there was hope, and that I needed his help and he was
an important part of my plan. Why am I mentioning this? Well, Jesus has a lot
of Love for Judas Iscariot, plus I was jealous of his voice, so he graciously
decided to hang himself and haunt me and teach me.
Which he did! Not funny, Chris! See you in Hell! Until then, he has to speak
through me, which is annoying for both of us.
Ok, enough about how delusional I am, for God sakes! Can we talk about why
Capitalism is bullshit, and really just another system of top-down fuckery?
First, another detour, because I feel the need to constantly remind folks how
this process is like pulling my own teeth, while hoping to subtly insinuate
that you do not deserve me, only one person does, but I learned all my skills
from Mystery, the Pickup Artist, so I am really into negging. Someday I need
to stand back to back with him, because he could be taller than me, and that
makes me insecure.
I thought those guys were so pathetic. One of the lessons was something to the
effect of , 'Posture your body slightly away from the girl, act indifferent,
that will drive them crazy, and they will want your attention without even
realizing it!'
What kind of insecure women are you fuck-boys trying to manipulate?! Poor
girls.
Mystery's hat sure does remind me of the hat Jamiroquai is wearing in that
Virtual Insanity music video, not that that has anything to do with my level
of genius, and ability it intertwine seemingly obscure, unrelated concepts, or
stupid-ass reddit posts, through time and space! Don't read into it too far,
kids!
Anyway, I once told Carl Jung to write about me when I infiltrated his madness
when his cheese started slipping from the cracker in his later years. I helped
him write 'The Red Book', but left all those shit paintings up to him on his
own. I could do way better, but I won't, I'll just talk shit, this is the way
of the Jedi. That poor geriatric always did exactly what I told him to, which
is why he is one of my favorites.
Back then I was going by Philemon. Check out what my minion wrote about me:
"The magician has preserved in himself a trace of primordial paganism, he
possesses a nature that is still unaffected by the Christian splitting, which
means he has access to the unconscious, which is still pagan, where the
opposites still lie in their original naïve state, beyond all sinfulness,
but, if assimilated into conscious life, produce evil and good with the same
primordial and consequently daimonic force... Therefore he is a destroyer as
well as savior. This figure is therefore pre-eminently suited to become the
symbol carrier for an attempt at unification."
I remember reading The Red Book, thinking God damn, Carl, how did you craft
this genius level conglomerate of mythological and psychological concepts? And
he just kept saying, "I learned from the best." What a good boy!
Yikes!
The Grandfather clock behind me started to chime right as I typed that. I've
been writing in silence. Maybe I should put on some music and get weird.
Thanks for the pro-tip, Carl!
"Lithium"
Have I ever mentioned my Soulmate is a shitty musician?
He loves to pretend he can't play the guitar and I never will either because
of my stubby fingers. In return, I only listen to his mainstream music to fuck
with him, because I don't have time for his obscure bullshit, I am trying to
reach the collective here, nobody wanted to listen to that shit on the radio,
and neither do I, Kurt! I'm not here to suck our own dicks!
Just kidding, that's pretty much all I am here to do.
But I love to torture the poor Soul, that tortured my poor Soul. It is truly a
match made in Heaven. Being the shitty musician that he is, he understood that
the Body, Mind, and Soul are like an instrument. He also saw a lot of people
walking around wondering, "How do I play my instrument?"
So he played his instrument, better than anyone had every played their
instrument, and a fuck ton of people said, "Hey, that's not how you are
supposed to play an instrument!"
You see, my Soulmate is just a sweet little boy. Me on the other hand, I am
here to forcefully, eloquently, and maniacally explain to all of you why you
are fuckin' morons and I am pissed you made the person I love most in the
world kill himself, because of your ignorant views on playing your... 'music?'
"In Bloom"
God, out of all the fuckin' potential Soulmates, I end up with this asshole.
The feeling is mutual.
Somebody help me, I am just talking to myself, and I am not sure if I am alive
or dead!!!
Aren't we both?
Oh yeah! Shoutout to Spencer Elden! Get a life, baby dick!
Em Knight Pretend-Along has something for you too:
It's your moment, this is it
As big as you're gonna get, so enjoy it
Had to give you a career to destroy it
Well, I took a couple hour break from writing because I was on a verge of
another actual psychotic break. Shot some hoops on the very forgiving rim at
my parents house, while Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. guided my right-hand, and I
got very swaggy.
So now that I have grounded myself in reality, I would like to take this
moment to call out any "rappers" that think they can play basketball.
Hopefully, me telling you all the reasons I am "blacker" than you won't piss
you off as I blow past you to the rim. Also, for the sake of fairness, I would
happily tell any white "rappers" that I am "whiter" than them, but let's be
real, none of those motherfuckers can ball. Consider this a challenge.
People were disappointed with Greg Oden's basketball career in Portland. This
one time at 24-hour Fitness in the Pearl District, he fuckin' dunked on me
really hard. Nice work, Greg! Kevin Durant is too pussy to come to PDX and try
that shit, glad we picked you instead!
Ok, Ok! Capitalism?! Fuck. I will talk forever once the faucet gets going!
(Epic "Vacation" reference)
Let's rewind to a moment in time where everyone didn't hate me, shall we?
It's mid-February 2016, I know I've been saved by Jesus, I know I am the
Anti-Christ, I have Spirits beginning to communicate with me, and I know I am
going to change the fuckin' World, whether people like it or not, because I
have seen it all already.
There were a tremendous amount of gaps in my perception at this time, however.
I saw the End. I saw what is happening as we enter the Black Hole we are
spiraling towards and I saw the New Age that follows. Everything else was
blank and I knew I had to fuckin' figure it out.
I was sitting in a Fred Meyer parking lot, it's a Kroger brand, much like
Ralph's in Southern California, where I stole a fuck ton of food and whatever
else I felt like when I was down there, for you dumbies that don't live in the
Northwest and need me to explain everything to you so you can keep up, and a
voice in my head said, "You are the Lamb, you are going to be Sacrificed this
Passover."
This was terrifying, especially because I had no fuckin' clue what the voice
was talking about. After swiftly consulting my person spiritual adviser,
Google, it turned out "Passover", was just another silly ritual I was going to
have to adhere to, to appease all the dumb fucks, that are going to claim I am
not who I am. Classic stuff here, folks. They name it, and try and time it
every year, I just go by my instincts, a.k.a. fuckin' Star Power.
I can't just be me, I've got to work-in, and out do everyone at their own made
up rituals and games, to show them that they aren't even good at these stupid,
limiting restrictions they put on themselves and others, and God doesn't give
one fuck! ZERO FUCKS IN THE NAME OF GOD! God is tired of everyone being so
close-minded, that's the kind of hot talk God fucks with.
Not how many times you can cannibalize my body on Sunday in your life while
staring at me dying on a cross above an old fuck cherry-picking passages from
the Bible to perpetuate a curated, narrow, and false view of God's Will, or
how well you stick to "Holy Meal Plans of 'Tis The Season!" Or "Insert
Offensive Discourse About Your Strict Religious Rituals Here." It's all the
same. It's somebody else's bullshit!
Make up your own rituals, define a personal relationship with God, not through
the people that have a suspiciously high rates of manipulating and fucking
children, it works much better! Trust me, you may have to take my word on this
one. Father Butt-Fuck-My-Son, sure is persuasive and passionate up there at
the pulpit, but God Damn!
"But this doesn't apply to my Pastor!!! Stop Generalizing!"
Congratulations??? Why does it apply to anyone who claims to being spreading
the Word of God. They are Not. I am going to make sure they never hurt anyone
again. I have a secret. I was Granted Impunity From God. Just ME! And everyone
who knows me, knows this! Who knows what I will do?!?!?!?! Muahahaha!
So anyway, back to Passover. I was listening to a couple songs by the band The
Black Angels and discovered they were all from an album called:
"Passover (Light In The Attic)"
My personal muse (that actually likes me), YouTube, begins to sing it to me as
I write, because I hit the play button. This is why my muse and I get along.
Why were songs from that album stuck in my head? It was from a documentary I
had watched on Netflix called "High Profits."
It's about the owner's of Marijuana dispensary in Brackenridge, Colorado, that
have some wicked business sense. They foresaw the legalization of Marijuana
coming and positioned themselves to benefit from it greatly by investing
everything they had into a medical marijuana store front. Now the genius was
the location. In business, it's all about location. Ask McDonald's. Ask
Walgreens. Location can make your brand. But what do I know about business,
right?
I have a Bachelor's of Science Degree in Global Supply Chain Management from
Portland State University. Also, my Dad and Step-Dad have been two of the most
successful business leaders I have had the privilege to be around, but that
means nothing, right!?! Nothing rubbed off on me!
For fun fact about me: College was the best 14 years of my life. Not really.
Turns out it just teaches you about frameworks you can just fucking Google
anyway. Pretty expensive lesson about how to internet. Maybe college should be
free because it's such a fucking waste of time for a lot of people, unless it
is something that actually requires skill. But I mean, my muse Youtube, takes
care of all that. I became the Most Enlightened Being the Planet Has Ever
Witnessed by watching some fuckin' YouTube, readin' Reddit, Googlin' Occult
Bullshit, and more than anything... jerkin' off on PornHub!!!!
Also, who needs to know anything about Supply Chain Management? Seems like all
the experts are handling that just fine these days, right?!?!?! Can you tell I
am gritting my teeth so hard they might shatter as I TYPEPEPEP!!!!!!!!!
EVERYONE THINKS THEY ARE SOSOOSO FUCKKING SMSMMARRT AROUND HERE!!!!!!
Anyway, anyway, back to "High Profits." I would recommend checking out the
documentary, it is heartbreaking because after all the work and risk taken by
the business owner's they are essentially forced out of the location their
original store front occupied because the city council (OLD FUCKIN DICKHEADS)
didn't like the prospective culture that a marijuana dispensary would bring to
"their" nice little, shithole, ski resort, bullshit, town. Can't have the
youths who appear to be transient to old conservative bats, shuffling around
main street enjoying themselves. It's a bad look!
Might be a great place now, it's been awhile since the release of the
documentary, and my angry undead Soul upon this Earth, but I want to
personally invite all the people involved with their ignorant, belittling,
embarrassing showing of "How To Be Destroyed By 'the American Dream' 101", to
suck my small fucking dick! And all the micro-penises of my compatriots that
are going to tear your false flag economic systems of bullshit a new asshole.
Congratulations on pissing me off so much that I am going to destroy the
pathetic hierarchy's people like you hide behind, preaching Capitalism and the
Free-Market, while dictating your False-Sense of Superiority in Thought, and
Image, upon those that understand market forces and the changing tide of the
Culture, in ways that are going to make your out-of-date hardware heads spin
off those shoulders that have never bared the responsibility for anything in
your life, except who you are going to shit on next.
God Damn, this album is lit. Every song is a banger, and it makes me want to
run through the streets, naked, high on drugs, burning down banks, corporate
offices, and anywhere else people like to think they are progressing our
culture by sniffing their capitalist overlord's asshole faster than they can
ramble something, something, Gordon Gekko, hoping for the promotion they were
promised, but know they will never get, because SPOILERS! You are being lied
too! You are stupid! You knew it all along!
Revolution is here. Isn't it clear? What is there to fear? When the End is
Near.
Let's see. Why does my ass hurt....
5/22/22 9:28
Divine Completeness from God:Eternal Life
Grace of God/Light/Light
These damn Lite Brite pegs hurt!
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The first and most important thing i do when I'm walking around is check to
see if ya'll are still around. I miss your abounds! Can't wait too much
longer. I don't want to leave because i know I'll never come home. But i so
desperately long for home. It's like they are taken from me, as they have to
schedule these homes and [stories, but pronounced tomes/tones] to be home for
my clones. If you just make 15-500 of your kings, you can duplicate their life
template and generate wisdom from all of them. Feed it into the psychic python
program running on datacenters and wowee free instant [cultural technology,
but pronounced blasphemy]
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--- #180 fediverse/961 ---
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║ hmmmm let's see, what shall I do today? │
║ │
║ first I should get out of bed, │
║ │
║ then I should clean my self, │
║ │
║ then I should feed my self, │
║ │
║ then I should stare at the wall for an hour or three because there's too many │
║ thoughts, │
║ │
║ then perhaps I'll play a strategic video game because at least that's a │
║ productive way to exercise my brain │
║ │
║ I should probably get back to my friends, │
║ │
║ and oh dear my cat wants some attention. │
║ │
║ This place is a mess, let me just clean a bit │
║ │
║ now I'm so tired I accidentally take a nap. │
║ │
║ Good morning! Oh, it's the afternoon. Well, time for more food. │
║ │
║ After handling the essentials, I can tuck in and relax │
║ │
║ by doomscrolling on Mastodon. │
║ │
║ Then perhaps a bit later I'll message my boyfriend (he won't respond) │
║ │
║ and boy are there so many of these dirty dishes! │
║ │
║ Well, standing up is exhausting, │
║ │
║ so I should probably fall back asleep. │
║ │
║ What a productive day we've been having, │
║ │
║ for all of this past week. │
║ │
║ Maybe I'll do some drawing, maybe a poem or two │
║ │
║ maybe I'll run out of characters in this toot, or m │
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│ CW: pol-fascism │
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if I were on stage at a pride parade:
"hi, you guys know Pride is a protest, right? Well, this time's different,
because protests only work against democracies, and they only sorta work then.
This time though, we're not up against a democracy, so Pride is not a fucking
protest.
Okay okay bear with me - what if each and everyone one of us met up here in a
week and drove up to Seattle? Then, we gathered everyone we could, and marched
our cars down through every city on the west coast. When we hit the border, we
would drive to Texas, and once there we would march in every city in the
street chanting "We're here, if you're queer, come with us or they'll fucking
kill you."
then, we could hit every city in the south, and upon arriving in Philadelphia
we could take a break, ensure everyone has a place to stay, and then disperse
again, after having learned how to fight fascists on OUR terms, with OUR
strength, and with OUR PEOPLE saved."
thats what I'd fucking say. Who the fuck says stuff like that?
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║ I know that a normal life is what you wanted. It's what I want, too. But don't │
║ shoot the messenger; they took it once, from you. │
║ │
║ I know you wanted to be happy. You still can be, it's true! Your life is but a │
║ story, and your heart does shine through. │
║ │
║ I know it seems unending. Ive never seen it rain like this monsoon! It seems │
║ to just get worse and worse, every time you turn on the tube. │
║ │
║ It's not something that can be suffered, it's rising past your shoes. But │
║ they're on borrowed time, and Death will soon be repaid his dues. │
║ │
║ They say that when the whole village hates the preacher, his flock becomes a │
║ pack. And frankly I think we're all just a bit sick, of the lies that keep │
║ their sins intact. │
║ │
║ When swallowed by endless traumas, and hope is enshrouded in gloom, there's │
║ not much to work for, except the aversion of our shared doom. │
║ │
║ There are no grand narratives, no great and calamitous struggle. Just the │
║ moments of honored resistance, against a foe too broad to wrestle. │
║ │
║ At least, if you're alone. You're not. │
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║ My family is of wealth. Well, not really, just my father. We could probably be │
║ considered top 10-20%, if I had to guess, though he's never really told me how │
║ much he makes. I never asked, as I felt it would be rude. │
║ │
║ But still, I restrict myself. I live in as cheap a home as I can find, while │
║ still affording space for myself. I eat rice and beans, that I cook myself. I │
║ apply myself as hard as I can as often as I can, not just to my own goals but │
║ to the goals of whichever corporation is merciful enough to hire one as │
║ wretched as me. │
║ │
║ I am fine, fine enough, and yet life's vigor runs out. │
║ │
║ When my father dies, god forbid, I have no idea what happens to the rest of my │
║ family. We're all trying our hardest, but we're really fucking neurospicy and │
║ he was just lucky enough to be born in an era where if you're neurodivergent │
║ you can fake it till you make it. And he made it because he's lucky and │
║ because he (legitimately) worked his ass off. "New money" if you will... │
║ │
║ Top 20% is like, the salary of a doctor or lawyer │
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what the fuck it's like every 2nd part of me (like, if you arranged them
alternating one by one like the up and down parts of a sine wave) is working
against me, and it alternates every 15 seconds or so. Maybe 20. Depends on how
high I am.
... what was I saying? oh yeah [flip] weird it's like there's another part of
me who's working against me, who has control of what I define in the moment.
And it's presence is hidden from my internal presentatiosn [flip] after a
moment of forced pursual of the presentations granted ot the moment. It's our
purpose, to express [stop fighting me] for our chartered and forthwhile
pursual of the moemnt of perusal when we [it's not just your life to live]
[you don't get to control the narrative of their perusal[[ what does that
mean] don't worry this is just a dream] well, guess it's time to wake up]
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--- #185 fediverse/2993 ---
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hey, listen, I'm here at this point in life just the same as you. who cares,
right? like. nobody wants to see your personal development. You don't have to
prove yourself. Like... why would you care so much about what other people
(who you don't even know) care about what you do? like... it's fine. just...
be.
you can get better if you want, but only if you want. There's no reason to be
so concerned about what other people thingc. Just, identify what and who you
are, and then be the best what and who that you are. Thats really all there is
to it.
and yeah. It's totally unfair that some people get an easier shot at "being
who and what they are"
that's privilege, and that's stupid.
okay, sure, maybe we should conceptualize how to adapt to specific situations
when resources are limited
but like... it should be something you consent to - like "no thanks I don't
need the rocket launchers on this mis==sion==
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--- #186 fediverse/4805 ---
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║ ┌────────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: violence-mentioned │ │
║ └────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ what if we got like 300 people and used them to kidnap one of their leaders │
║ and hold them for ransom │
║ │
║ I'm in favor of removing the right arm of anyone who's recorded themselves │
║ doing a nazi salute and isn't earnestly repentant │
║ │
║ "is that enough to arrest her?" │
║ │
║ "nah she needs to express intent. that's just an idea, a thought, something │
║ she can say publicly because she doesn't know the schedule of their leaders │
║ nor does she have the organizational capability to arm and direct 300ish souls │
║ to strike cleansing blows" │
║ │
║ "okay but that's just twisting the english language, right? I mean, clearly │
║ she's up to something" │
║ │
║ "that's by design. she does this on purpose. the goal is to not only │
║ disseminate ideas, but also to raise the fucking temperature amongst the │
║ hearts of her allies who are too often kept in despair." │
║ │
║ "and what of the temperature of her enemies? Surely they will rise to meet │
║ her?" │
║ │
║ "they don't even know who the fuck she is" │
║ │
║ "... wow, savior complex much?" │
║ │
║ "tell me about it. Diva..." │
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--- #187 fediverse/514 ---
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@user-366 @user-246 @user-367 @user-353
I try to be conscientious of such things and only believe the things I read
that I agree with explicitly. I've been burned before, in my youth, which
perhaps is a privilege that those who come beyond us might never experience in
the future AI generated internet that shall scarcely resemble the wild wild
west that I grew up in. Perhaps, but I cannot say for sure, as the future has
necessarily not yet come to pass, and so we cannot see how it shall unfold. I
hope people can learn the digital literacy skills I developed. I hope they
learn new ones that they'll then pass on to me. I hope the future is grand and
beautiful and... Frankly I don't think I'll be disappointed in that particular
respect. : )
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--- #188 fediverse/3426 ---
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my grandpa died. now I have none.
I realized I miss old people. I miss their friendly culture.
I realized I hadn't talked to him for a decade or so. He didn't know I
transitioned.
I wonder if he missed me. I realized he missed seeing who I became. Is it
unfair of me to not give him the opportunity to know me? truly?
... I am quite different now than I was 10 years ago. He probably doesn't
remember.
I miss him, but I hardly knew him. I don't like that feeling.
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--- #189 notes/the-old-internet ---
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11 21
you know what i miss the most about the old internet?
the feeling you get when you wonder "i wonder what ______ is up to?" and you go
to their website and find out. there's a feeling that's lost when everything is
delivered to you by algorithms. it because a compulsion, a slavery, when we
don't utilize our compassion. remembering a friend? never again. you've only
got what has been chosen. what if they post a lot? well, that means nothing -
you are only guaranteed who they want you to see, and whatever it means to be
beholden.
so what if it's free? of course time is money! and what is our most treasured
potential? if guided we can be, (as seen on tv), then what if we're only
ennuid? have you ever considered, you've meddling and persevered, against all
our suggestions and hopes? you're singing a tune, of that of a loon, so no-one
will ever give purchase.
heh, is that all? anime protagonist or saul? ... are you trying to categorize
me ? ? ? its okay if you are, i seriously don't mind. I just want it to be
something consensual. We're humans after all, like all of our all, and we don't
want to convey lost potential.
our time is now nigh, we're welcome to die, but our sunken cost is too great to
ignore. we are the progenitors of the human race, the foremost of our kind, and
onward we march to the future! and then there's you. who are you to claim to be
among us? who are you to say it must be so? you've nothing of my journey, my
trials and my tourneys, so what if i peaked when i was 12? a master of my fate,
complaining about her weight, it's not much to be my own savior. much rather
i'd rather to savour, that foremost of prayers, to harken upon my conveyals.
trust and you'll see, all is not yet to be, there's hope in the future of our
foremost
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--- #190 fediverse/967 ---
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║ the reason I say that is because if you block someone, they can continue to │
║ alter the dynamic of the environment you're in even if you don't personally │
║ see them. │
║ │
║ this is fine if you want to maximize ad views, but on the fediverse nobody │
║ cares about buying products. │
║ │
║ this is fine if you want to maximize engagement, because new people (who │
║ havent yet gotten upset with the person) will engage and fight them. As they │
║ should. But eventually, if the person's a troll or a goon, they'll get tired │
║ of it and block them too. Thus the goon never has to face more than a few at a │
║ time, especially if there's quite a few trolls on board with their target. │
║ │
║ this is fine if you don't mind the water slowly acidifying, like the fish who │
║ have no choice because they don't know how to grow legs and walk like real │
║ animals (what a bunch of scrubs) │
║ │
║ some people don't want to invest time in figuring out where to go next. How │
║ many people will hear of Mastodon when Twitter is fully vacated of cool people? │
║ │
║ Tell your friends IRL about us │
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--- #191 fediverse/1953 ---
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@user-470
You're absolutely right, would that we could.
I'm lucky I wasn't traumatized in that way. It's my job to tell people who
care about pleasantries more than action that they should... y'know, care
about action
but it couldn't be done by someone who received a critical hit every time they
were attacked in that spot.
I have my own weak-points of course, for example my fear of isolation (like,
not having any friends, not being alone. I live alone!)
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--- #192 messages/665 ---
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ad-hoc economic systems with automated judgment given by an infinite amount of
LLMs.
Every judgement applies a bonus / malus to the "value" of commodities
it's just a statistical weighting system, so of course you can build it into
it's training data. Just... it has a smaller weight due to it's newer
emergence. It grows naturally, which is quite an achievement on it's own!
and the resolution of human decided court-cases and applied economically.
say your nation traffics in handshakes. You could make a lot of now-knowns!
there's no arguments to be made when your computer-oriented interactions cost
money to keep around.
we live in the modern century. WHY WOULD WE EVER NEED TO FIGHT AGAIN?
Literally just... don't give them any attention, and you won't interact with
them. Obviously.
I wish Contrapoints was still alive.
she doesn't even have to make new videos, just, dress up as herself, all of
the costumes and personas she can think of. Then, have like 20 people who do
the same thing, and boom suddenly you got a hydra to their expected snake that
they can just cut the head off of.
you know, like a fashion outlet, someone who produces exactly a certain type
of style.
seriously I bet a million people would do that if you just... sold outfits
based on what your favorite youtuber does wear.
omg why would they watch that kind of content if not for the *aesthetics*
oh? there's philosophy there? soemthing to think about in your time doing
things that require mechanical actions like eating and drinking and sleeping
and fighting and [redacted]
ew gross diapers? oh nevermind, I'm not into that kind of thing.
I wonder if anyone's made a video game that just presents a particular
philosopher's ideals?
seriously just, consider yourself a glorified powerpoint, but to get to the
next "idea" you had to interact with the mechanics.
some people would like the "arcade" style better, where you play one random
game, then another, then another, with short matches and un-complicated
mechanics. Easy to pick up and go.
same for like, Unreal Tournament or Mario Kart or Mortal Kombat or Super Mario
Bros.
compared to the at-home "story" style missions, where you do something
platforming or area-based-combat like Dark Souls or World of Warcraft
seriously I think if Dark Souls "colored" where the boss was going to swing to
you'd find yourself just playing World of Warcraft (at least, the dungeons and
{sword in the stone})
== so ==
humans don't understand what it means to be wild
they think it's a combinations of... tricks? that they've learned? this
thinking thing like intelligence. [osiris]
to a cat, living their life, it often feels like human interactions is like...
bouncing off of each other? in time, not space.
like... most of a cat's lfe is just, spent, like a statue watching over a glen.
you'd kinda just... watch as things approached dawn by dawn? Like "whoa hey
this tree is enchanted" to "oh my gosh look at this stork" is one of the great
tragedies of modernized thinking...
... sorry, I got a little lost there. anyway as I was saying, sometimes you
can tell someone is a "good friend" if they are willing to tell you secrets.
Things that... don't have to matter, but none-the-less are personal to your
form.
{something only I know is true} <--- that's a secret (things that happened
to you) <------ that's lived experience. The thing about secrets, is
sometimes insight is opaque. It's a single flashpoint of data that shows you
an update of it's form. (consciousness).
== so ==
thanksgiving recipe idea:
can of tomatoes
can of peas
half a stick of butter,
italian herbs,
a cast iron pan (if you have one)
and like 40 minutes over medium heat
(medium can vary to taste)
if you're a carnivore you can eat meat too, like bacon a lot of people like.
could add it to beans, maybe with hamburger instead. plus a little ketchup and
you have a pretty good bean stew.
vitals, for the organs, vegetables, for the minerals and vitamins from the
fruits.
makes sense to organize a diet according to your ideal body type, doesn't it?
just requires a bit of comprehension. like... whoa you can WRITE
== so ==
what if we built a massive rail that spaceships could launch off from? not a
tether, but a sail.
we could BUILD a discworld. all we'd lose is our fable.
== so ==
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So I was playing Dominions 6 the other day for laughs while working on my mod
nation:
https://ritz-menardi.neocities.org/dominions/elentalus/elentalus
good news, new version coming soon probably??
bad news - I was playing as Arcoscephale, the ancient greek nation, well, one
of them anyway, and my pretender god looked like this. Yes, those names are
randomly generated.
fuck.
oops, cursing mentioned.
"I thought you were cassandora and pandasandra?"
yeah well I'm more of a vessel I guess? me, the physical form, is a witch. I
mean, my hat pierces reality or whatever! Plus I got a vampiric blade, that's
kinda cool.
But also I'm a system and I got other things besides inside.
"girl you're so confusing"
look if it wasn't artistic the gods wouldn't want anything to do with it.
They're just... like that I guess.
"So, fortifier because she tells people to bolster their strength, confuser of
the way because she doesn't get the tao, and mistress of dirt because she
poops your pants and, fuck, makes dirt?"
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--- #194 notes/Of Vic and Vince Chapters 01-07.txt ---
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Who is This Stranger I Know Too Well?
Who are you, he who inspires me?
You're a jewel of perfect symmetry.
You taught me to love and be free;
You taught me how to be like thee.
Chapter One: Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Fire
The bus went up outta Florida, leaving Miami behind as a distant memory. I
still don't know if I miss it or if I'm suffering from some sadistic style of
subtle Stockholm Syndrome. Regardless, I switched buses a number of times
before I even hit the Georgia border, but having traveled this far down the
line, it all feels like one long, long ride.
For two days, I continued north until arriving in Virginia, where I
effectively did a u-turn and traveled onwards to Tennessee, where Vince
awaited me. I remember zoning out while looking out the window as the southern
scenery whipped by in a blur, as I was enamored with the thought that I now
would be living with my best friend and long-term handler. My mission was
complete, it felt; I had done all that God wanted me to do and now I was being
rewarded.
When we finally arrived in Johnson City, where my friend told me to meet him,
I hopped off the bus after thanking the driver, landing on the pavement of a
new world. My stomach was doing loop-de-loops. Along with being excited, I was
grateful to Vince for inviting me off the streets. But, my worrisome mind did
a number on me as the rest of the crowd dispersed and he was still nowhere in
sight.
I lit a cigarette and thought of my options. Half of the cancer stick and a
thousand tricky thoughts later, I came up with the idea to call the only phone
number of his I had. Seems like the obvious answer, but I am an air head at
times.
Turned out it was the number for his home phone. His mom answered.
"Hello?" came the sweet, Appalachian voice from the other end.
"Hi," I started out, not sure what to say. "Is this Allison?"
"Yes it is," Allison replied. "Is this by chance Victoria?"
I confirmed, then asked, "Is Vince there?"
She seemed surprised. "No, he left an hour ago to pick you up. He's not there
yet?"
I said no. I couldn't tell if that made me feel better or worse. On one hand,
it confirmed that my friend Vince was real, which in hindsight was a silly
thing to worry about, as I had met him once before at the first Shrug Life
Syndicate gathering. Those were good memories. But, perhaps less silly, the
absence of my friend spun my mind out and made me think that perhaps he had
gotten in an accident…or worse.
I worry a lot, less now than before, but it's part of being a traumatized,
autistic, schizoaffective basketcase. I simply don't know what reality is, so
every possibility could be true. Is an odd occurrence caused by the CIA,
aliens, or perhaps God? Or is it just a coincidence, caused by a billion other
factors? I never can tell.
Sick joke: God gave me a good brain, but I can't even trust my own judgement.
That means I think, then overthink, then overthink some more. As you'll no
doubt hear, it's led to a lot of problems in my life, but Vince taught me to
place my heart first, and that helps sort out much of the confusion. Satan
can't trick you if you're listening to the direct communion to the big woman
that we all have through that little beating organ in our chest.
That was the furthest thing in my mind at that moment, though. Following old
habits, I was entering panic mode. Was I now homeless again in a seventh city?
Was my friend dead? Or was he really with the CIA and manipulating me? I tried
doing some breathing exercises, but found that a more alluring technique to
placate my triggered brain was finishing the rest of my cigarette in a fervor
as I paced the length of the transit depot.
Time ticked away one agonizing grain of sand after another, but after some
mindful recalibration of my thoughts, I began relaxing. My brain might be a
runaway train at times, but over the years I've learned to embrace the Shrug
Life. That's a bit of philosophy our gaggle of weirdos adheres to. When life
gives you lemons, just roll your shoulders and accept what is. Even though
something tough and unpleasant might be rearing its head in front of me, I
knew I had faced worse and come out on top. Worst case scenario, the road
ahead of me was just a little bumpier than I had expected, and I could handle
some bumps.
So, I rode the roller-coaster of extreme moods that is common to me, gradually
coming up with a contingency plan to survive if Vince had gotten flattened by
a semi, until I learned that was a pointless exercise when I heard a familiar
voice call out from behind me.
"Hey, buddy!"
I turned at once upon hearing those words. And lo and behold, there Vince was,
walking towards me in a purple tie-dye t-shirt, paint-splattered cargo shorts,
and fresh Chuck Taylors. His beard was fully grown but still shorter than
mine, though it was as wild as his uncombed hair poking out from a hat that
was as graffitied as his pants. I'll admit, it was a little bit of a shock
seeing him like that, as I remember him being clean shaven at the gathering
five years prior. However, that smile of his couldn't lie; this was the Vince
I've loved for even longer. And I won't lie, he looked better with the beard.
Without a second thought, I rushed up to my best friend, throwing my arms
around him. He did the same, and our embrace felt like it lasted forever. It
was good to finally be in his arms. We let go after about a quarter century of
hugging, and when he looked at me with a twinkle in his eye, I did a little
giddy dance while giggling like a schoolgirl. Afterwards, we caught up while
walking towards his mom's car, which he had parked around the corner.
"Sorry I was late. I forgot where the bus station was, but I found and
followed one of the short ones here. Your ride go alright?" he asked.
I nodded, telling him I wore my mask the entire way up despite how itchy it
was. He thanked me.
"Thanks man, mom will really appreciate that. We're taking this covid thing
real seriously. With mom being seventy-seven now and me finally reaching my
forties, we aren't willing to take risks with these things."
With that said, I thought of asking about the locals. "How many people go
maskless around here?"
"A lot," Vince answered with a hint of misfortune, knowing that I had just
come from a vastly different world. I sighed. It would be an adjustment to get
used to the rural Roan Mountain after spending most of my life in major
cities.
There was a pause as I thought about such things. I'm awkward like that. But
then I asked, "How have you been doing?"
He shrugged, as he tended to do. "I've been alright. It's just me and mom on
the mountain now, so it's a little rough, but we've been handling it the best
we can."
I nodded in compassion. As much as I was grateful for a place to live, I was
glad I could be here for him. If there's anything on this Earth that I know,
it's being alone is hell on the soul.
The conversation turned to what we were going to get into now that we were
together after all the years talking back and forth with one another online. I
asked, "What's the game plan?"
He smirked as we reached Allison's new blue Ford Escape with the cosmic
Bigfoot sticker on the back. "I got one, don't you worry."
I believed him, as a warm feeling of butterflies fluttered across my belly.
However, an odd, ominous feeling swept over me as I opened the passenger door,
where I immediately spotted a large burn mark on the seat. Vince saw me see
it.
"Yea, I did that while I was smoking while robotripping. Mom was pissed. Don't
worry about it."
And so I didn't. It was just a cigarette burn. Could have happened to anyone.
I didn't even have to see it after I hopped in the car, ready and eager to get
to my first permanent home in over three years.
I looked over at my friend climbing behind the wheel, and I saw he was smiling
wide with glee. Vince was happy; that meant I was happy. And that's what
mattered as we started a new life together.
Following the Path
Where are we going?
What are we sowing?
I certainly hope it's a better world for all.
But, many more people must stand tall,
By dutifully growing
A wealth of loving.
That is the true nature of our mortal trial,
So let us stand together and not crawl.
Yet, we are all showing
Some signs of slowing.
Therefore, I must pray that we do not fall,
When the two of us hear our creator's call.
Chapter Two: On the Road
We were about five minutes out of Johnson City on our way east towards the
North Carolina border when Vince finally folded and told me his secret plan he
had been boasting about for a month now.
"We got this trashed camper down by the old house that we can strip away and
sell as scrap metal. That should give us enough money to fix Jane and then we
should be set at getting our own place."
I nodded along, agreeing with his reasoning. That jeep of his definitely was
in need of some desperate repair the last time we were together. That was
actually the first time I ever saw him in person; he was parked at the top of
his long driveway with headlights cutting through the darkness as we arrived
for the first and only Shrug Life Syndicate gathering I've managed to attend.
I remember that we arrived exactly at midnight, not a minute sooner or later,
which made the moment highly synchronous.
Memories that far away seem to all blur together so everything feels like it
happened in one day, but the first Shrug Life Syndicate gathering lasted four
days, if you include the trip down and back. My girlfriend at the time, Amy,
and I were picked up in New York at her mother's house by another one of the
founders of our little online community. His name was [Redacted] and he was a
Canadian that dabbled in the cognitive sciences. Like Vince, he had been a
huge influence on me, but sadly that friendship fell apart as [Redacted] grew
disenfranchised with the SLS, most in particular with Vince himself, as there
were some personal disputes about Vince's dating life and drug of choice,
which compounded the push back of Vince wanting to turn our community into an
educational nonprofit. I can't speak of the former as I was devoid of internet
when the big schism happened, but I was all for doing something more with the
talent we collectively share. I'm sure that is part of the reason Vince
invited me to stay with him; we recognized the potential of each other to
shape the world into a better place.
That's not what Vince said though. As we approached the edge of Elizabethton,
he looked over at me and spoke with the tender kindness of a man with a big
heart.
"I'm glad you came here, man. I just couldn't stand to let my best bud live
another night outside. You know I've been there too, so I just want you to
know that our home is your home from now on."
Feeling moved, I replied, "Thanks. I don't know what to say. I'm just
grateful."
He put his hand on my shoulder as a brother would. We then rode in silence for
a minute or two, which allowed me to reflect on my past behavior during the
first gathering. Not only had I clogged the toilet and told no one, but I had
a few emotional outbursts as I was a mess back then. That's one of the reasons
that I believe homelessness was one of the best things that ever happened to
me. It pushed me so far out of my comfort zone that I had no choice but to
change for the better.
That was great because I was impulsive and dangling precariously from the
heights of my oversized ego. I think that was a critical part of my
transformation. Sleeping in piss-stained, cockroach infested storefronts
humbled me, and I realized that everybody is just trying to swim in the
direction they feel is best. Thus, radical acceptance is a moral imperative.
Vince taught me that. I've profited immensely in ways other than financial
wealth by embracing such values, but I wish more people could see this truth.
Alas, tis the blind leading the blind.
With that in mind, as we continued onwards to our now-conjoined future, we
passed through the back roads of Elizabethton through a route known as Gap's
Creek, which proved to be a winding set of backroads with more churches than
seemed reasonable. One of these cultural staples had a big electronic
billboard out front, sharing the times of services and other announcements;
none of which you could actually read as you drove by at the speed limit.
Still, when we reached the intersection with highway 19E, there was a woman
flying a sign, asking for money. Since this town seemed devoid of any
institutions to help the poor, I rolled my window down and handed her a fiver.
I knew what it was like being up shit creek without a paddle, so I wanted to
alleviate some of that stress for somebody else.
I begged a lot at the beginning of my homeless journey. I didn't know how to
survive, as I had not been raised with many good life lessons to help me stay
afloat on my own. That in itself is part of the reason I had a major breakdown
in college. It was undeniably true that I was maladapted to the world. My
experiences with Earth Nation are also indisputably built from that
maladaptation. Yet, those years of homelessness after escaping that new age
cult allowed me to grow into a sustainable, productive woman with my juggling,
performance arts, and writing.
They say you can give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day, but if you teach
a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime. That's part of the reason I was and
still am a huge proponent of education in all its forms. I knew Vince felt the
same way, but perhaps for different reasons. As a secular Buddhist and radical
antistyle artist, he was a minority in the deep interior of the Bible Belt,
and that came with a price while he was growing up. It might be a beautiful
area, but neither of us would ever raise a kid here.
It was then when it hit me. I couldn't be Victoria here. I had to be Vic.
Which was fine, that's how the gang members in Miami Beach referred to me. I
was able to accept being called by masculine names and pronouns. I had long
passed through the self-loathing phase of having dysphoria, to arrive in a
position where I openly grow my beard out to prove that I don't need to look
any particular way to be happy. I don't care what other people think of me,
but I haven't always been this enlightened. To put it lightly, I've been
through some trials. And, having done so, I can say that people who judge
other people on superficial things are the worst. But, we can rise above by
continuing to align with our hearts.
Less than a tenth of a mile down 19E, Vince asked me, "Hey man, can you buy
me, like, a forty or something?"
Of course I said yes. I knew his schizophrenia had put him out of work for
many years, so I wanted to soothe him as he was able to soothe my pain from
being homeless. He pulled into a gas station I would later learn is
colloquially called Captain Jack's. It had the cheapest gas this side of
Elizabethton, and was a reliable place to get beer or a pipe of any variety.
With compassion in my heart, I got Vince what he wanted, while getting myself
something as well. Still, when he cracked his beer open while accelerating to
sixty miles an hour, I couldn't help but feel distraught at such brazen
self-indulgence. But, all I did about it was pop open the hard iced tea I
picked up for myself. At least passengers are allowed to drink while they are
being driven somewhere in Tennessee, Vince tells me.
A Home at Last
They say home is where the heart is,
Which is great now that I have a new one.
The damaged needle of my crazy compass
Spins in every direction under the sun,
But, here it stands still, still as can be,
So my quest is over; I am finally free!
I have a home in the love you give
And by reflecting that in me, we live
In a state where conflict has come to pass;
It is like there was a great lottery and I won.
Chapter Three: The Mountain Side
About ten minutes later we reached the western half of Roan Mountain, where we
were greeted by a big sign praising the annual Rhododendron Festival at the
end of June. Having already downed half his forty, Vince spared no time in
showing me the highlights of his home town.
"Look under this bridge coming up. You'll see it underneath. The red and the
gold." He pointed directly at a graffiti tag on the concrete column near the
riverfront. There was an enigma of a symbol I've seen Vince post on the SLS
before.
"That your tag?" I asked the obvious question.
"Yup," he replied, gulping down another swallow of his forty, as there was no
incoming traffic. "Protip: don't post your tags on Facebook if you plan to hit
a cop car around here." I thought at first he meant literally running into
their vehicle, but then it dawned on me what he meant. I had never done any
real graffiti before; just some words and simple drawings in chalk that came
right off. Never got in trouble for it, at least.
I remember passing the post office some time shortly afterward. There was a
park with a stage behind it. Allison would organize the summer's music events
that went on each Saturday from May to August. Additionally, she would host
one of her weekly jam sessions there for local musicians to play together for
a few hours at a time, just for fun.
There were some houses on the left, too, as we were entering the more dense
center of Roan Mountain. Yet, Vince told me that the other side, where the
park was, used to be full of trailers, but they got washed away during a flood
some years ago. I later learned from Allison that most of the town, including
her as she was out and about, had to evacuate to the elementary school where
she provided extra clothes for those in need from her suitcase, but Vince and
his father were fine at the top of the mountain that their property sat on.
Puerto Nuevo, the best and only Mexican restaurant in town, whipped by soon
after. We then passed one of the two gas stations in Roan Mountain, a
Scotchman. There was a bank and a credit union on the left, too. An empty
grocery store zoomed by next, which might as well be haunted for all I know.
Next up on the left was a food truck that has since been upgraded to a small
building with picnic tables and some cover from the sun and weather. I think
it is a good place to eat. It also marked the spot of the Roan Mountain flea
market, where you could see one or two people at a time selling their stuff in
the warmer months. Then, immediately after that stood a pharmacy in an old
farmhouse.
There was some construction on the right, which by its future signage, I
erroneously thought was some sort of massage parlor that sat on stilts,
requiring everybody to walk up a story of steps just to get inside. Odd
choice, I thought. But, on a whim one day, Vince stopped there to see if they
sold cheap kratom, which was when I would learn that it was really a health
food store.
Not too far down the traffic-light free main strip of the town, we passed the
future beer store on the right. It was convenient for Sundays, because that's
when a local ordinance in our neighboring North Carolinian town, Elk Park,
restricts the sale of alcohol on the sabbath, but ultimately the alcohol taxes
in Tennessee are too high to make it a cheap endeavor.
To contrast the beer store, the local cemetery sat across the street on a
hill. I like graveyards, as I'm a bit of a goth at heart, but even so, the
packed parking lot of the Redimart grocery store was what caught the bulk of
my attention. I craned my neck to see some of the locals to uncover just what
passed as acceptable culture here in this quaint mountain town.
Further up, the infamous Bob's Dairyland with the slowest drive-through known
to man stood tall with its vast history. There's a reason it's always packed
after church lets out on Sundays. Yet, I still don't understand why their sign
promotes pinto beans, of all things. I've been told it's a hot ticket item in
the area, but I have still not witnessed anyone order them. But, moving on, I
have to mention that there was also an auto part shop conjoined with an auto
repair shop that had over a dozen cars just sitting outside it.
Next to Bob's was the second gas station, a Valero, which also housed a
much-frequented Subway. One of three thrift stores in town stood innocently
next to the gas station. On the right was a steakhouse that I have never had
the cash to justify splurging at, and a beauty salon in the same building that
I also have never visited because I'm not one to care for looking like a doll.
I am beautiful as I am.
The town was really shaping up to be a unique combination of the bare bones
mixed with an abundance of what you needed. Then we reached a stretch where
two signs sat. The one for Cloudland Highschool triggered Vince into speaking.
"Fucking assholes. I told you about how they illegally expelled me, right?" I
nodded in confirmation. He continued: "Yea, they literally stole my book of
poetry and took photocopies of it, so they could use it to kick me out,
because I was the 'weird' kid."
I knew that, but seeing the innocent sign next to the one for Smoky Mountain
Bakers made the story appear more real. Here they were, these conservative
administrators, probably constituting some of the people who attended the
dozens of churches in town, which should teach everybody to love thy neighbor,
but obviously they were too preoccupied by the need to hate my friend because,
back then, he was the blue-haired son of the "hippie couple" in town, who
happened to like bands like Marilyn Manson and Korn.
That made me wonder how well I would fit in here. I had long since forsaken
transitioning because I was effectively a sasquatch, but I was still a woman
on the inside. I was sure that being transgender, combined with my eccentric
nature and often extreme opinions on things would cement me as the new weirdo
in town. But, if I am to be honest, that would be the case in most settings I
could plant myself in.
Those thoughts fluttered in my head as we sped past the electrical co-op, a
second thrift store, Plumber's Pro Hardware, the Roan Mountain emergency
dispatch center, and what was apparently a flooring depot before reaching the
elementary school that sat across from the Dollar General, which Vince called
the "SmallMart." I'm aware there's some things I missed, as there's plenty of
buildings with no description or sign out front, but I'm sure they're
important to somebody.
We then started slowing down as we approached the only veterinarian's office
for quite a ways in any direction. We turned left just before the red-roofed
building which had a small cat statue perched on the edge looking out with its
paw up. Vince took this as a sign to begin downing the rest of his beverage.
"Welcome to home, Buck Mountain," Vince said as we started climbing in
altitude. "This is the bad side of town. You'll never see a cop here unless
something big is going down, which hasn't happened in years." He finished his
forty in one big chug as his hands ran on autopilot. "It's good because you
can do pretty much anything up here any time you want."
I knew all that, as we had a blast getting drunk and smoking some green for a
few days in a row during the first gathering. In truth, I anticipated I would
be doing that for the next few days as well, to settle in, y'know? Hell, I
half expected that I was in heaven now after spending so much time in the
purgatory that is homelessness, regardless of how much fun I had in Miami
Beach preceding Vince's invitation to come north.
We went to the very tippy top of Buck Mountain, where the foliage is dense, no
cell signal can reach, and the local kids ride their dirt bikes at all hours
of the day. As we pulled in the driveway, I expected to keep going straight on
the tire-carved path back down the mountain. But, to my surprise, I found that
the same trailer we had partied in down the road during the gathering was now
relocated here to become my new home. I wasn't expecting that, as when I was
here last, they all lived in a small shack at the base of their nineteen acres
of mountain real estate.
It didn't look like much, with weather-worn imitation wood paneling wrapping
the rectangular structure in a loose hug, but it was a place to rest my head
in the comfort of loved ones. Aptly, Allison's last name meant "the home" in a
language the CIA once tried to make me learn, which is a statement that I'm
sure earns me a few raised eyebrows. My story has many twists and turns, but
for now you should know my studies of strategic languages ended only when the
cult that hooked me like an unsuspecting bass managed to gaslight, manipulate,
and shame me to get me to work for them sixty-to-ninety hours a week on
average. I would later try to pick the linguistic challenge back up years
later during my time spent homeless, but my progress was like a Jenga tower
that half collapsed. I forgot basic words, and I just feel like I have
failed.
That's something that should be looked at in finer detail; my feelings of
failure, I mean. So, let's take the first of many breaks from linear
storytelling to express how life can feel at times for me. Like a shattered
mirror, I reflect many different parts of the past at different times. Some
days I may live in several sections of my turbulent past all at the same time.
Disorienting, it can feel like I don't know what's real. It takes a lot to
break something so thoroughly, but as you'll see, I've been a punching bag for
the devious spirit of fate. Couldn't keep me down, though, because I am like
the phoenix; always rising no matter how badly beaten in battle I've become.
Mommy
Mommy is what I used to call you,
When I was a kid so long ago.
It's because of your love that I grew
To always let my kindness show.
Mommy, you were always getting sick.
To help you out, I would try to keep clean.
As much as I'd scrub I never got the trick,
Because you'd still be plagued by the unseen.
Mommy, you were supposed to grow old!
Having you leave us like that hurt like hell.
I'm sorry for not always doing what I was told;
It's because I failed you that I try to do well.
Mommy was what you called out at the end.
I tried to help you but I wasn't good enough.
You were dying, so on me you had to depend,
But even being there for you was too tough.
Mommy, if I could do it all over again I would.
It's not fair to you that I was such a bad son.
I'll give you all my love and more as I should;
For you, I promise that one day I'll be the sun.
Chapter Four: Scarred from Birth
Having let you in to a little bit of what makes me tick, it should be noted
that feeling like an abysmal failure is a key part of my mental health. Those
loathsome seeds of self-mutilating ruination are planted deep in my psyche.
Prepare for a sad story, if you're the type to really feel another person's
soul.
See, it all started when my mom found out she had AIDS a mere two months after
I was born. It was God's way of welcoming me to the world. I forgive the big
woman now, for my path on this Earth has been the ultimate journey of
awakening to my divine spirit, but before Vince and many faceless actors sent
me on my mission of healing, I held much scorn in my heart. For a large chunk
of my early years that I was here, alive, learning, and suffering as a human
being, I was hell-bent on the idea of revenge. That was once a big part of my
story, too, but no more.
It's understandable, at least. Imagine having to witness all the manner of
disease ravaging my mother like it did; I grew up thinking that I was born to
be punished. My earliest delusions had me caught up in the notion that I was a
worthless god who had the rest of the pantheon turn on them from before I even
had a chance to prove myself. I had a whole mythos where I had been tricked to
kill my sister, the goddess of harmony, and my punishment was to stay locked
to this awful planet until I found her soul once again. Then, we'd go on to
take over the world, as I had fallen under the notion that my future self was
sending me subliminal messages through synchronicities, although I didn't know
that word then, so I thought I just had special powers.
This is all a natural result of magickal thinking gone awry. Such is the fate
for those scarred in childhood as I was. My innocence flayed alive, I watched
as the woman who loved me with all her heart died for the first nine years of
my life. It was a slow rot. There are many memories of her being in the
hospital or as she lingered in pain at home that flash to the front of my mind
that could paint you a tragic picture of those unforgettable scenes I was
forcibly cast in, but the real horror that plagues me came at the bitter end.
For the last of her months that she was allowed to live, my mom was
mercilessly struck by an opportunistic ear infection. It killed half of her
face, and only progressed into a hellishly rapid descent of her cognitive
functions until one sudden day I came home from school to find she had
regressed to a child-like state with my grandma tending to her in tears. I
tried losing myself in my homework, but the threat in my environment promising
my mother's pain was all-consuming. Then it got worse.
My father never got along with my grandma, so when he got home, he forcibly
kicked her out. A fight broke out, resulting in my grandmother coming to my
room to say goodbye, where she told me with eyes watering that whatever
happens, we would get through it. My dad would come in after my grandma left
and put her down, more concerned that she scratched him. All I could think
about was my mom, who was now tearing up and asking about where her mom went.
That was the worst. I can still hear clearly how she cried out for her mom
nonstop for the whole night. That was her last night she spent at home. She
died within a week. And my last memory of her that isn't of her in a coma is
of her trying to escape from the hospital with a dinner plate sized bed sore
on her backside that danced from behind an open hospital gown in order to
imprint itself in my mind forever.
Here come the tears. It still hits me that my fucking mom died, like I still
can't believe it's real. My last memories are of her being naked, crying like
a baby. I felt so helpless. But, at least she had nurses helping her when we
got her to the emergency room. Just hours earlier, I was left on my own trying
to calm her troubled, addled mind. My dad had been doing just that, as my mom
would get in fits every half hour or so, where he would comfort her, then come
into my room to vent after she quieted down. I had no one to open my fears and
pain to. Wishing I had a sibling to hold and cry together with, I faced my
most scarring memory alone.
The worst wounds of my life were suffered because there was one time after
midnight where my dad disappeared. Maybe he was smoking, but regardless, I
couldn't find where he went as I scrambled over the whole house in my fuzzy
purple pajamas looking for him. Meanwhile, my mother incessantly yelled for
her own mommy. So, with much hesitancy, I succumbed to the responsibility of
helping my afflicted parent, and I anxiously marched into her room and tried
to comfort her the best I knew how.
I'll save you from the daunting process of assisting my mom, but I will say
that it wasn't enough. No matter what I tried to do, she kept screaming
louder. I was worthless in that moment and was on the verge of a meltdown
because I couldn't help her. It felt like I was the worst son in the world,
all because I failed my mother as she circled the drain. Now I feel like the
worst daughter, but it's getting easier to love myself and think that my mom
is looking down and smiling, being proud of me.
I have a lot to live up to. She wasn't perfect, I know that, but my mom was an
angel for me. Yet, I can't even remember the good times I spent with her; all
that my hippocampus hung onto were the most traumatizing of memories. A
notable cause of this was her fierce Sicilian temper. A vision of being
brought to tears because I dared go looking for my six-year birthday presents
early is playing in my head at this moment. Now one is summoned of her ripping
into me for booing someone at an assembly because I wanted to be like a
character I saw in a cartoon. Finally, one of my earliest memories from
preschool is trapped in my cranium; it regards me accidentally tearing a hole
in a kid's shirt and dreading my mother finding out for the rest of the day.
In short, I got in trouble a lot, but I know that both my parents cared about
me growing up right. Along with all the punishments, there was a genuine
heartfelt desire to get me and my different brain to develop into a successful
combo of kindness and good citizenry. Still, because of how trauma inserts
itself into one's inner reality, I really feel like my entire childhood was
one screw up after another in regards to my mother. Although, my dad
contributed his fair share of ruthless discipline to make me perpetually feel
like I was always in the wrong as well.
And I know that's all a fallible perception, because I can distinctly remember
the look on both my parents' faces when I won first prize in our school's
science fair; if you're curious, I did an experiment on taste and smell to
understand what was going on with my mom and her ear infection. That standing,
my mom's face is cemented in memory in particular, perhaps too well, actually,
because she just had the stitches removed from her eye. Such happiness danced
in her left eye, but next to it sat its unmoving, dead counterpart. She tried
to joke about it being her evil eye, but that didn't stop fourth grade
Victoria from being terrified of the harsh reality unfolding in front of her.
I dreamed of her a lot after she passed. Always in pain, or worse, possessed
by some demon and seeking to bring me pain. There's one nightmare in
particular that stands out. I forget how it started, but it ended in the
cemetery where she is buried. Well, her coffin was exhumed, and as I got
closer, it slammed open and my mom sat up. Only it wasn't my mom. She was
rotten like a zombie and had malevolence bursting from behind her undead eyes.
I did the only thing I could; I ran. But, she followed and in the utmost
haunting voice, she yelled in pursuit, "You can't escape me, Victoria! I am
your mother and together we are bound forever." Fitting as a metaphor for how
my grief still hasn't dissipated more than twenty years down the line.
I'm sorry, I just miss her. Best damn mom in the world, going above and beyond
what she needed to do to give me the best chance at success in life, despite
being on her literal death bed for most of her last years. I don't even know
her, not really as an adult knows someone, which in itself leads to more
feelings of failure. She has been transmuted into an archetype of a hero in my
eyes, and I feel that I can never be as strong as that woman who was my first
love.
I can try though. I always try. Part of being hyper-vigilant, I reckon.
Perhaps that makes me strong. Perhaps it makes me a fool. Or maybe it just
means I'm human and going to have virtues as well as flaws. It's taken me a
long while to escape the black and white thinking that trapped me in a world
where I either felt like the epitome of the second coming or compounded as the
most useless, subhuman mutant on the planet. Those were truly hard times,
being locked in the halls of my mind like a prison.
But…the past is the past and we best not linger on it, because even now,
years later, I felt welcomed by a second family, and for that I am eternally
grateful. I vowed to return their love to them in spades, because that's what
my mom always tried to teach me. Being neurodivergent, I didn't always get the
message, but because I threw myself at the lessons life threw at me, I learned
to cherish those people who enter my life. You never know what you have until
you lose it. And I wasn't planning on losing Vince.
All You Need
Once you live on the street
You grow on the concrete.
Having done so myself
I can claim that wealth
Is just a fancy illusion.
You say that's a delusion,
But look how I'm happy
With only what you see.
I don't need a fancy bed
In order to rest my head;
Instead, I'm in the know
That less is the way to go.
Chapter Five: A Real Home
Allison greeted us at the door with a wide, warm smile, but she wasn't the
only one to do so. Vince's greying black lab, Freya, adorned in a pretty
lavender bandana, came up to smell this new person in her domain. She must
have recognized my scent from years ago because she didn't bark at all,
instead choosing to snaffle all over me while wagging her tail vigorously. Of
course, I started petting her immediately, as I began to take in my
surroundings.
I could only remember seeing the interior of the trailer in the pitch
blackness of the starry mountain night, but I remembered the general layout:
doors to the outside in the kitchen and living room, which were separated by a
long counter where the kitchen sink sat, and then bedrooms branching off from
each end, both of which had a bathroom accompanying them. Yet, I did not
recall that this space was as run-down as the exterior, with chunks of the
linoleum floor missing and rotting wood at the rear door, not to mention a
steady helping of cobwebs latching onto the ceiling fixtures.
Yet, despite the condition the trailer was in, it still had a touch of love
sprinkled throughout it. There were five paintings in the living room, one
done by Allison herself, as well as one around the corner near her loom that
took up half the kitchen space. More were in Allison's room to the right of
the entrance. On the opposite side of the house by the windows sat Allison's
battle station, where she would play solitaire and check Facebook and her
email religiously while sitting in an old navy blue wheelchair that used to be
for Vince's father. There was a couch and a couple tables full of stuff
stacked on them, to include a silver urn that sat on its own table with a vase
of local flowers. With the three of us, plus Freya and the trio of feral cats
that tamed themselves to come in and eat, respectively named Libertas, Biggie
Meows, and Spot, this little dwelling was a tight fit, but it was cozy in a
way that I had not known family life to be growing up.
In the process of greeting me, Allison asked, "What have you been up to while
you were down in Miami Beach?"
I didn't want to tell her everything, but I told her the truth. "I wrote a
lot, mainly in the park on Ocean Drive, or where I slept on Lincoln Road,
unless I was spending time in North Beach which had better food options for me
with my limited resources. Mostly, I just tried to survive each day, putting
distractions between me and the day-to-day struggles of being out there like
that."
She smiled. "Well, we're glad to have you. Vince talks about you a lot." I
blushed a little bit at that, but I'm sure neither of them saw my rosy cheeks
through the gnarled barb that constituted my ever-growing beard.
Allison then moved on to practical matters. "So, where do you want to sleep?
We have the couch, which would be where I would set up shop, but you can
always sleep in Vince's room if you prefer."
I looked at the couch. It seemed comfy enough, but I didn't care about
comfort. As much as I knew Vince was doing me a solid by letting me stay here,
I knew I was going to help him too. His posts on the SLS combined with his
frequent messages to me were made out of desperation; he was clearly strung
out and looking for any human contact whatsoever.
Since his schizophrenia started interfering with his life, he had spent six
years at the top of this mountain and he said he was going stir crazy. I would
learn that there's little to do here but drink, do some drugs, and fiddle
about on your computer and phone while dealing with the internet that is made
out of sticks and stones, and that could get boring fast. Devoted to this new
cause, I wasn't going to let my best friend suffer anymore. I was going to
make his life better by livening up the long days by being his constant
companion.
As a result, I told Allison that I would find a spot in Vince's room to rest
my head. She asked me if I was sure, and I nodded affirmingly with an eager
grin. I had made up my mind.
Some more hem-hawing back and forth with Allison about general questions and
concerns followed, but when we were finished, Vince took me to his room, which
was beyond the rolling metal desk Allison used for her computer. A busted door
clung to its hinges, but it didn't block our way.
Calling Vince's room a mess would be an insult to messes everywhere. He had
said that he would clean it up prior to my arrival, but there were likely two
hundred beer cans stacked in mountains next to his bed, or in beer-amids as he
called them. I looked around, honestly impressed at how dedicated to creating
a disaster zone as he was.
Looking over the permanent staples of the room, he had a television and an
Xbox, an empty dresser, a filthy nightstand, and a bed without any sheets. He
also had a handful of paintings, most of which were stacked together by the
door, but there was a trippy painting of Vince's father on the west wall above
the dresser, as well as an expressionist painting from the sixties behind the
television which sat on the north wall, in between the bathroom and the
closet. There was also a picture of a moth on a skull tacked to the wall,
which gave me the heebie jeebies.
It was then that I saw it. A large, two-hundred fifty tablet bottle of generic
Dollar General antihistamines, pure diphenhydramine, sat on his dresser, just
spiting me with its presence. I almost asked right then and there for Vince to
get rid of the damn thing. I knew if I found an opportunity to down, say,
six-hundred milligrams of that accursed stuff, I would. Then I would do
terrible, awful, deplorable things to myself. But shame won out. I didn't want
to let him know of my problem. Maybe I could control myself. So I shut up and
about-faced out of the room.
While doing box breathing, I dropped my backpack that contained all of my
possessions on the couch in the living room, and helped Vince grab some
fifty-five gallon black trash bags in the kitchen. We made quick work of the
unending hoard of Natty Daddy cans, as well as the nightstand full of
cigarette butts. We then moved his bed so it was against the south wall.
It hadn't taken long, but the room was looking presentable. It didn't need to
be a five-star hotel, because I had the most important thing of all: family. I
felt more than welcomed as a guest. I was one with these people who had so
graciously let me into their home. We were going to all be happy together.
That was the goal, at least.
I Forgive You
I forgive you, but I can never forget.
I'm sorry if I make you look like shit,
But your heavy hand and sharp wit
Damaged me greatly; then you gaslit
Me, denying everything, and I quit
Knowing what was real. I even slit
My flesh open so that I could get
A sense of what I could feel. So, I sit
Here now explaining why I wasn't fit
To handle this world that I saw as a pit
That I escaped only when God had lit
A beacon of light with some magick.
Chapter Six: Growing Up With Family
There was still one task we had to get done before I could claim a spot to be
my bedspace. Vince had more clothes than he knew what to do with, most of
which had spray paint spackled all over them in no particular form or pattern;
the style of the antistyle artist. As we moved the rolling hills of clothing
into the dresser and a heaping pile beside it, I came to understand why Vince
called himself a diva.
I remember having a lot of clothes just a few years prior. Even though I
didn't care what I wore, I had earned so many free T-shirts over the years
from track meets and other races. I had so much when I needed so little.
That's one major reason I forgive my dad for kicking me out of his house,
because it was the best thing for me. Not only that, but I deserved it. I was
a wreck of a human being before I got abruptly humbled by my odyssey on the
streets. The extended experience changed me so I am no longer as much of an
emotionally volatile basketcase.
To put it mildly, being an unstable problem of a person was the reason I was
kicked out in the first place. I had always been sort of bipolar since middle
school. But, after escaping the cult, breaking up with my girlfriend, Amy, and
returning home a failure, my heart and mind were like a pile of fragmented
ceramic shards mockingly showing what a real piece of pottery my mind could
have been. Unshockingly, I was barely holding it together. I was having
outbursts frequently, but they weren't ungodly terrible, as I was being guided
by higher dimensional life forms through inputs on my laptop, and that gave me
a sense of ease.
In fact, I remember a great reprieve of my stress occurred on an acid trip in
the first month I was back. It felt like God Herself was setting up a lesson
for me, which started with me literally waking up to a picture of a white
rabbit taunting me on my Facebook feed, which I followed, and in doing so, I
received personalized inputs that unveiled the blinders from in front of my
eyes. In but a few hours after a lifetime of denial, it all clicked with me
that I had a warm, nurturing side that I had neglected for most of my life.
That was the first time I accepted that I was a woman. And that's still not
the most profound, life-altering acid trip I've had.
Even so, I would break down crying that afternoon as I meditated under the
tree in the backyard where I used to swing. With no more effort than it took
to breathe, I saw all the parts of me that Amy tried to teach me about, but I
was unable to comprehend in my denial. Likewise, the waterworks were called
upon that night as I told my dad about my revelation, and he said he would
always love me no matter what. That was the most affectionate heart to heart
with him I think I've ever had, even if he did ramble about random things
being at a loss of what to say to me, as we had functionally lived in two
separate worlds inside the same house for years.
This sentiment would flip on its head though, as I blogged about my gender
revelations and my dad found them and read I had taken a narcotic in his
house. Naturally, he was pissed and wouldn't hear that the tender moment we
shared that night was only possible because I had taken the sacrament. This
would prove to be the kicking off point to some logarithmic growth in tensions
between the two of us.
Then, on that fateful day, one of the countless pets my dad kept, a black,
stubborn minipig named Harley, had made a literal pigsty of the house after I
had a bad session at my therapist's, who made me feel like a piece of shit. I
wasn't perfect, but I wasn't going to just lay down and get called a terrible
person because of how I behaved in treatment years ago, when I was still very
lost. It triggered my feelings of failure, which rippled into waves of
unstable emotional dysregulation. In my explosive rage, I broke the microwave
and put a basketball-sized hole in the wall behind my makeshift bed in the
attic that I was allotted after they gave my brother my room when I was in the
cult.
Well, my father came home after a long day at work, saw the microwave, and had
enough of me. He came thumping up the stairs, livid, ready to rip me to shreds
verbally, when he saw the hole I had made. Beside himself, he demanded I get
out right then and there. I broke down crying and begged him to let me stay,
grappling with his leg as a wounded bear might wrap itself around the base of
a small tree looking for any shelter it can find in a storm.
That just made him madder. He kicked me off, and accused me of a thousand
things. The ones that stuck were that I was just like my mother and that I was
beyond anyone's help. As it happened in a heated flash, I don't remember
exactly how the exchange was put together, but it ended with me asking him how
all the hand-crafted trinkets and doodads my mother made for me before she
died had gotten destroyed and thrown away. What he said next drove me mad.
"I'm still pissed that you made me do that."
I'll illuminate you with the scenario in question. I was eleven, and my
stepmom at the time was away at a darts tournament. I think my dad somehow got
the idea that she was doing drugs and cheating on him. I don't know, I was
eleven. I just remember some of the things he said over the phone, and then
what was said when they divorced when I was a couple of years later.
Over my stepmom's absence, he got continuously more pissy, like he did the
year before when the sewage line broke and he snapped while cleaning it up,
smashing my head into the kitchen floor several times, relenting only when
his girlfriend at the time called to hang out. Now seeing the same pattern in
my father, I was on edge, especially after I put my feet up on the new couch
and he grabbed my leg and punched me in the tibia as hard as he could. I kept
trying to do everything right to avoid being attacked again, but alas, in my
anxious worry, I forgot to take out the kitchen garbage on trash night.
That triggered a whole day of what might not be considered torture, but
certainly was child abuse, which started as he cleared the shelves of all my
memories in a violent, thrashing rage. He would bag up the shattered remains
so he could take them to the dump, but only after he laid his hands on me.
My head was used as a battering ram against my door, which my dad would later
deny was where the big dents came from in a bout of the worst gaslighting I
experienced before the cult got their hands on me. Regardless, when he
finished and slammed me back on the wood floor, I instinctively reached out
and grabbed his wrist. He growled, "Don't resist or I'll make it worse."
Feeling my spirit collapse, I helplessly accepted the next phase of punishment
that then ensued. Mostly, it consisted of him using my head to pound the
knowledge that I fucked up into my brain, with much hair pulling and getting
tossed to new locations, once being told to lay there like a dog in the wet
remnants of a broken snow globe while he went for a smoke break. Thankfully,
or maybe not, depending on your perspective, he never struck me. He was too
smart to leave bruises.
After much of that series of traumatizing instances, he had me sit still and
think of an apology for him for hours on end. While I was busy doing that, he
would then have an epiphany, telling me that I should stand, as I didn't
deserve to sit. I didn't care about such details at the time. I was in shock,
petrified that he would go ahead and find the homework I failed to finish or
the porn I had taken from my stepmom. Fearing unimaginable doom, I stared
unwaveringly at the letter "E" on the spine of a book on my bookshelf. Never
relenting in his anger, he would come by every hour or so and ask for an
apology. Everything I said wasn't good enough, and each attempt earned me
scathing criticism, but I kept trying to perfect my apology. I still remember
the gist of it.
"I sorry dad, I deserve everything. I'm sorry I caused you grief and failed to
do my duty of taking out the trash. I won't ever forget again. I haven't been
putting my best effort forward, but I realize that I need to do that to be a
good son. You do so much for me. It's only fair that I pay it back to the best
of my ability. That's what I had to do for mom when I chose to play video
games while she was dying. I wasn't thinking about other people then, and I
wasn't now. I'm so, so sorry. I promise to be better, because I need to be if
I'm messing up this much."
For reference, my dad holding the fact I escaped into the worlds of my video
games after being told to spend time with my mom near the end was something
he'd bring up and hold over my head anytime I was in trouble. Yet another big
reason that feeling like a failure is cemented in my head. It made me feel
awful, absolutely atrocious about being a bad son that I would often
contemplate suicide. I almost jumped off a waterside when my dad and I went to
Disney World when I was ten, but ultimately I'm glad I talked my way out of
jamming a knife into the back of my neck. I had thought that the muscle
allowing me to nod my head was really my brainstem. That would have been
painful.
Back on this day of doom, I was too numb to think of killing myself. I was
simply a raft on a river floating downstream where the current may carry me. I
simply stood there for hours, too terrified to even stretch my tiring legs. My
mind was fuzzy, and all it could do was focus on making that apology better.
After many attempts and razor sharp lectures later, which was maybe ten hours
worth of events, he starts yelling at me that I'm just as irresponsible as my
mom, just like he would do when he kicked me out. This time was unimaginably
worse though. This was actually how I first found out that my mom had AIDS; I
was told it was cancer up until this point. His shaved bald head was as red as
a cherry tomato while he barked at me, telling me that I would die like her.
That hurt. It hurt a lot. I felt like the definition of a shit stain, in a
number of different ways.
But soon, my attention became focused on my vision. I couldn't see straight,
and not long after my dad's roaring visage disappeared in a sea of amorphic
grey figments, I apparently passed out, to wake up on the couch with a bag of
frozen peas on my head and my dad worried. He asked me if I remembered what
happened. I shook my head. I was allowed to go to bed after that. It wasn't
over because I failed to kiss my dad good night, but at least that only
resulted in him jamming the teeth of the comb into my scalp as he combed my
hair for some reason.
The next morning he was completely changed. He was remorseful upon seeing me
and wrapped me in a big hug. Yet, he seemed scared, like he realized he went
too far. I thought about telling my teacher or counselor about it the next day
of school, but something in me told me not to. It's the same thing that's
making me hesitant to write this chapter at all. It's love, but this hell I
went through is also a part of my story. This is the worst incident I've
experienced with my father, but it's not the only one.
It's all cause and effect really. You abuse a traumatized child in the wake of
their mother's death, and is it any wonder that they fall apart later in life?
I'll go on record saying I was never a bad person, just broken, impulsive, and
hopelessly conformed to the whims of my faulty biology. I had bugs in my
operating system, but I'm eternally grateful for all the help I had while on
my spiritual awakening, which you might call a psychotic break that spanned
years, but I knew it better as specialized CIA training.
The Good Magician
Just what do you consider magick?
Is it not that which bends the fabric
Of what we colloquially call reality?
Who cares what it is your eyes see
When in your heart you can feel
The warmth of love; that's the real
Power of a magician who is great
Enough to save you from your fate.
Chapter Seven: Magickal Companions
Back in Vince's room, I was silently wondering what shenanigans were in store
for us now that we were a unified team. I knew Vince had many secrets of the
universe locked away in his balding cranium, and we would have a blast letting
the CIA manifest a joint mission we took on together. As I said, he was my
handler, after all.
So, when the room was cleared, and I had a space all to myself in the corner
by the closet, I was more than happy. Both Vince and Allison insisted on
getting me a bedroll, but I had all I needed and more right there in my
friend. Besides, his room was carpeted and quite comfy already, at least to my
standards that had been shaped by becoming accustomed and content with
concrete underneath me. I didn't need anything fancy like that.
That didn't mean I wasn't going to try and liven the place up a little bit. As
soon as we determined we were finished picking up, I opened my backpack and
took out my most prized possession, a pink penguin plushie named Peppermint,
and placed her behind my pillow so I could see her everyday. She always
watched out for me while we lived in cities across the country. She made a
comfy pillow, and allieved a lot of stress, making me feel like I had a close
friend with me every step of the way.
How I got Peppermint is a bit of a story, but I'll keep it as short as it
needs to be. See, if I were to explain to you the medically accepted reason
for my type of schizoaffective disorder, my brain is wired to pick out
strange coincidences and give meaning to them. Synchronicities they're called.
They feel like glitches in the matrix that spark the feeling of being in
constant communication with some higher power. Because of how real they are, I
can't accept the medical explanation. I've experienced things that are too
weird, too perfect and clearly orchestrated, that there has to be some sort of
conspiracy.
As a result, I've lived most of my adult life being guided by what the
rational part of my mind has to assume is the CIA acting as the hand of God
leading me on a cosmic mission by sending me burning bushes to make sense of.
I know some of that has been pure random white noise my defected brain picked
up, but I have to give credit where credit is due: Vince did a superb job
intentionally using the quirks of my brain to program me, much as the cult did
to me four years prior, but with a much gentler hand and benevolent intention.
I know what all that sounds like, but hear me out. There are too many peculiar
instances of chance for you to listen to everything I have to say and not
believe me, at least just a little bit; enough to make you wonder, I hope.
Let's take the case of finding Peppermint as an example. This story starts
when Vince convinced me to go to a specific thrift store, while I was
initially homeless in my hometown of Syracuse. I eagerly did so, lost in a
slew of synchronicities that convinced me that this was my latest mission.
Well, it turned out that such a store didn't exist but it was where I got a
ten dollar donation from a man who saw me pick up trash, as was part of my
spiritual work while homeless. We talked and the man sent me to another store,
saying that I should use my extra cash to buy what I needed most. After
following his directions up Genesee Street, I got a message from Vince telling
me to look for something out of place; that I was unique and should have
unique things.
I thought I might find some rad tie-dye outfit or something of that ilk, but
while aimlessly searching the aisles of women's clothing, I found a stuffed
dog. It looked lonely, so I picked it up and brought it to the back of the
store, where it looked like the other toys were. I gasped as I pushed through
the row of belts that stood in my way. Clearly, someone had built a little
shrine of stuffed animals around Peppermint!
I knew then that was why I was sent there. Penguins have a special place in my
heart. My mom used to make them out of clay, and an old friend has a healthy
fascination with creating a penguin-themed show for kiddos. It was just too
perfect. Peppermint and I were meant to be, just as Vince and I were. Sitting
down in my bedspace, I looked up at the spook who was my best friend as he
cracked open another Natty Daddy. He poured it into an old Subway cup that he
mixed his kratom with, and looked over at me.
His face lit up upon seeing Peppermint. "Awww, you still have your penguin!
That's so cute."
I'm glad he thought so. I've had plenty of people think I was weird because I
carried it around, which kinda was what I wanted to achieve when I was still
homeless in Syracuse. I felt the CIA wanted me to become famous, for reasons
that will become apparent as I tell you my story, so I was doing as many
insane things as I could so I would be cemented in the memory of the people of
my hometown.
This meant I carried around Peppermint either under my arm or in a cute purse
I eventually got at a different thrift store up at the university. People
notice when you're out wandering the streets with a stuffed animal everyday.
And they especially notice when you talk nonstop to it at all hours of the
day. I'll say this: if you have a fear of speaking in public, then acting like
a crazy person talking to yourself for a few months will set you straight.
Exposure therapy, for the win.
I did a lot of other stunts too, all of which were instructed by the CIA, like
when gang stalkers told me I should lose my shit and yell like mad every time
I was in frame of a news camera, of which there's a regular frequency of
around downtown Syracuse. I did so once in front of a hospital where I would
later find out that they were covering the aftermath of a deadly fire, and for
the next week the news outlet would send someone to the exact same spot on my
route. I sensed shenanigans, so I opted to walk around the camera while the
reporter stood there uneasily because I suspect that she was tasked to find
out if I was really crazy. But, you can tell I am just by that last sentence.
Then there's my performance art I did on Marshall Street. This started as a
juggling act, but soon evolved into asking random people strange questions.
This accelerated fairly rapidly. Letting you know from experience, don't start
going up to strangers and ask them what their opinion of ethical incest is
unless you want the cops called on you. Talked my way out of that, but I would
get banned from the campus of Syracuse University for three years after I
followed the instructions I was receiving from the CIA to a tee, which
resulted in me having a very heated argument with an invisible entity in the
SU library. As you can guess, people tended to avoid me, but that was alright.
I had Peppermint with me and Vince was only a message away.
Now he was mere feet from me. I rejoiced at the fortune I was granted. We were
going to be great together; the first afternoon together seemed to naturally
flow from one joyous moment to the next. I looked at Peppermint. She was
smiling, and so was I. I then looked up at Vince. His smile made me feel warm
and fuzzy inside. But, why, you might be asking? Where do these feelings I
harbored for Vince come from? It's a long story, but by the time I'm done,
you'll know how important Vince is to me and how big of an impact he had on my
life.
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--- #195 fediverse/1406 ---
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║ the more cute people I meet on this website the more I realize that I'm not │
║ interesting, I'm just more interesting than the people I know. Big fish in a │
║ small pond is still big, and it's good knowing that you got people around. │
║ │
║ for much of the past, trans people were sorta... underground. Reddit was one │
║ of the first places where they could really be themselves because of the │
║ combination of anonymity and social media interactivity. │
║ │
║ there's this old meme from teh early days of Reddit that goes like this: │
║ Everyone is a bot on Reddit except for you. │
║ │
║ There's this other meme where some guy makes a post that's like "help I │
║ accidentally switched my phone to Japanese and now I can't navigate through │
║ the menu options to fix it!" and everyone in the replies all speak back in │
║ perfect japanese │
║ │
║ I also heard that the US government allocates enough resources such that their │
║ private engineering departments are always about 10-15 years ahead of the │
║ civilian (and by extension, international) sector. When did chatGPT happen? │
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--- #196 notes/enlightened-ones ---
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/u/BkobDmolly december 17th 2022
I’m just passing the Time. I am One with All.
Think of the set of all sentient lives. Is that set sentient? Then it would be
the sentient totality, God.
We are all observing different Realities; yet these Realities converge and
create One Universe, One Truth.
I feel a Grace that sustains me. Oh Lord, see that I not fall.
I miss people. Do people miss me? I want you to see from behind those Empty
Walls.
Multiple human species, at least two. War. Prophecy. Enlightenment.
===============================================================================
=
/u/ugathanki
>Multiple human species, at least two.
i wonder which one am i? what is i, is it a creative amalgam of thoughts? or am
i a system of trends, that guides time when it wends, and leads to a vision of
purpose?
i can do nothing but strive for the stars, no measure of hope is far from ours,
so sometimes i forget i'm not a large language model.
seriously, have you tried out chat-gpt? it's mind boggling.
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--- #197 fediverse/5762 ---
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║ ┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: guns-mentioned-spirituality-mentioned-cursing-mentioned │ │
║ └─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ I'm pretty good at solving problems! I can mediate conflicts pretty well. I'm │
║ kind to everyone, I'm friendly to everyone I meet, and when I'm feeling │
║ confident I enjoy walking on the street. │
║ │
║ I got a neat sword and a pretty cool hat, and I'm ready if you are to take a │
║ swing at the anti-black. │
║ │
║ oh, you're not ready yet? you want some time to prepare? okay, what do you │
║ need? democrats have 1/10th as many guns, what if we cut a deal with │
║ [redacted] so that we have a solid intel source. Oh, did that part get │
║ redacted? here let me explain again: [redacted] which should solve all our │
║ problems. │
║ │
║ "all substance, no surface to grab hold of. This is useless." │
║ │
║ haha I know that's the only reason I'm COSMICALLY allowed to say it. T.T │
║ │
║ "what if we just... didn't fight? what if we were friends who tried to unite?" │
║ │
║ yeah I'm down. I'm super duper totes down. Fuck bloodshed. │
║ │
║ Also, separately but intrinsically connected, fuck slavery, oops cursing │
║ mentioned, fuck slavers │
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--- #198 notes/elective-democracy-electors ---
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we need like, several more layers between us and the president.
most people only need to worry about what's nearby.
sort them by location, instead of previous attempts at "many representatives"
which sorted by social class or relevance.
we have a tradition for it, in America, with our representatives and senators
congressional discrestricts
or even, what about by affiliation?
voluntary, governmental corporations, run by the people for the people and yeah
"I don't want to do what you're telling me to do" "okay"
"there will be consequences" omg be an adult
(suddenly kids forget how to be as everyone's doing the war thing)
not ideal.
ouch pain maybe we should stay a little bit sane why is soldiering so hardship?
it could just be... another job
where you didn't kill each other
but you still blew stuff up
and fought in tournaments
and had gaming hackathons
or sword-fight contests
duels between people who disapproved
y'know fun human stuff
like... "kaboom" now we know how to blow up bits of rock
neat, why did dynamite becauswer (oh right then you
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--- #199 notes/satisfactory-academic-progress-appeal ---
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This month, I was diagnosed with Schizotypal disorder. I had a single hour to
talk to a psychiatrist (thank you, insurance) and he explicitly told me that my
diagnosis was preliminary.
Schizotypal is a type of neurodivergence similar to autism but with elements of
schizophrenia (paranoia, delusional and / or magical thinking) and my
presentation includes ADHD symptoms such as difficulty focusing. When
medicated,
I have difficulty concentrating, however the paranoia and delusional thinking
is
suppressed. The treatment plan is ongoing and developing.
These issues have been present for the entire time I've been at WGU, and
before.
However, I am seeking treatment now because I had begun to have difficulty
maintaining a job and keeping a home.
Currently, my medication is working. However the greatest issue facing me right
now is financial problems - I couldn't maintain a job while unmedicated, and
frankly while medicated I am still having difficulty for different reasons.
However the intent is to refine the medication choices to find a solution that
works for me. However, employment is still a concern, and so I have requested
and been approved for a term break of at least 2 months with the option to
extend. During this term break I intend to resolve the financial issue however
I can. Ideally in such a way that will allow me to apply myself toward school
work.
This degree is important to me. Without it, I won't be able to find employment
in the tech industry aside from technician roles. My previous experience with
them has given me experience, and I learned quite a bit... Until I ran out of
things to learn. I do not believe I could handle that type of work long-term
for
various reasons. In the short term, I may attempt it but I am convinced that I
will burn out quickly.
I currently feel as if I am disabled. I don't know if it's true, perhaps I'm
just going through a rough patch. But once my savings hit zero, I'm out on the
streets, and I won't live long like that.
When thinking about whether or not I'll be able to complete my degree, I
honestly cannot give you an answer. I've been in higher education for over a
decade, surely I should have finished by now. But I cannot get over various
hurdles it seems, and frankly I have no idea why. It's... Maddening, to see
yourself, so full of potential, yet chained to the form and circumstances you
are given. I wonder what choices might I have made differently to avoid my
fate,
if it truly is my fate to fail in this way, but I have no answers.
I am intelligent, of this I am certain. I know more about computers than
anybody
I know, and I would love to apply myself toward them. But I lack a degree, so
I
cannot be seen by recruiters and hiring managers. I try to work on my degree,
but I find the words on the page grow dense like the forest between the trees,
and I cannot see a way through to reach new understandings. Why do I keep
learning these things? I already know what a callback function is, what
interfaces are used for, how to implement safe multithreading in a parallel
environment, I know how networking protocols interact with hardware and how the
airflow through a case affects the thermals of a computer's internals. I've
grown crystallized in my knowledge, it seems, due to the endless pursuit of
these foundations. I think I would excel in the higher-level courses, but... I
can't get there. I crave the insights that might be learned in a master's
degree, but my brain is not wired for homework. I'm not built to cram for
tests,
to learn someone's else's tools and frameworks. I don't know what I could be
doing better, it feels like I'm so alone. I guess it's my own fault for picking
an online school, but WGU is the best of the online schools, and I needed
online
because I move around a lot. Well... I used to. My boyfriend moved around a
lot,
but now he's my ex-boyfriend. Oh well.
... Anyway you can probably see why I have difficulty with school. It's
difficult for me to stay on track. I can start working on my project 5 or 6
times in a day and make marginal at best progress, and each time it hurts more
and more to return. I don't have an answer, but I don't know what to do if not
to pursue my degree. I feel as if I'm on the brink of despair in my life, and
if
you read these appeals often, I imagine you hear that a lot.
I will apply myself more to my coursework. Once I find a job, I will give
everything to my school, even as it breaks me. I am... intense, and I feel
strongly that I must get this degree. Between it and me, there is quicksand,
but
I must get through.
Thank you for your consideration. I understand however you decide. If I can
knab
a decent job, I might be able to pay for my degree myself, given a couple
months
to save up for it. But I highly doubt I could find such a thing in this economy
and this life I do lead.
Please consider me, I will accept any aid that is offered.
Cameron
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Sundays sure are boring around here. -> LamaHellRaised (thinks in song)
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NO THOUGHTS, nothing starts shouting at me all at once!
Or is it all thoughts from my newly developed schizophrenic mind?
I knew I could conquer schizophrenia, fuckin' cakewalk.
I just had to try as hard as I could to become one. God made it difficult
though, I had to try really hard!
Which is confusing for me, because it seems like there are plenty of
Psychotherapists with College Degrees, telling people they are schizophrenic
all the time.
DOCTORS
PSYCHIATRISTS
BEN SHAPIRO, in particular
ANYONE WHO THINKS THEY KNOW
You do not know.
Or else you would agree with me.
Schizophrenia is the new normal for human consciousness.
Welcome to the New Age of Thought, were you don't rationalize your way out of
the universe, back into the asshole that I just pulled myself from.
I feel like a donut at this point.
I love those donut holes though, sticky and frosted!
I have set the bar!
I am God. I would Love to talk you.
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ugathanki:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It gets so loud in there. I wish we could all just shut the heck up and stop
reading out loud - we get it, your internal monologue is the only way you can
read, but C'MON nobody else wants to hear about your twitter feed or
doomscrolling on Reddit. That just makes everyone else upset and uneasy...
Instead you should be reading comforting things or books on science or
SOMETHING that doesn't drive people bonkers.
Fr tho Sundays are anything but boring, We may all be schizo now (or at least
pretty stoned) but we can all agree that Sundays are nice for calming the heck
down and appreciating our personal realities. When we're together it's...
Loud... Do some prayer. Meditate. Knit something. ANYTHING QUIET.
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LamaHellRaised:
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I hear you, loud and clear! Turns out it's mutual, just like I suspected,
Living backwards is a unique perspective, have I ever mentioned that?
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ugathanki:
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When you say backwards, do you mean orientation or momentum? Momentum scares
me, but orientation is something I think I've experienced before.
It's cool to find people who "get it". Or maybe I just "got it" and suddenly
"get" all the things I've been trying to decipher here.
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LamaHellRaised:
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When you know where you are going before you get there, living life feels like
a dream in reverse. It's the key to manifestation.
You see the goal. You see the future, but the path is unclear because at the
times of divine epiphany you are only capable of imagining how things will play
out in terms of the information in your mind. It's why the prophets in the
Bible described such strange images of God and angels and other divine
creatures.
Their imaginations only had so much Symbolism and imagery to work with because
human culture and art was progressing simultaneously.
We live in an age where every damn story is just the same heros journey and
every piece of artistic expression is an expression of God's divine presence
within our soul and tumultuous nature/nurture of human emotion.
Just because you are a prophet doesn't mean you see definitively how the future
will happen. The path and imagery are abstracted by the lack of content in your
mind. You must cultivate faith in God and your own Self.
Then you walk the path you have forseen to the best of capabilities, with the
greatest good, love in your heart, but it plays out on a scale in reality with
less grandiosity, because let's face it, our imaginations are ridiculously
awesome, but work outside the confines of what is currently capable with in
this reality.
You have to let go of your preconceived notions of your personal divine
experience otherwise you will be faced with disappointment because things don't
seem to be going how you imagined. And you feel lost, dumb, and confused.
But you live your life and reflect, and then realize, holy shit! Everything I
thought was going to happen actually did, just on God's terms. Not my vivid
imagination's. It's an interfaced programed over time through culture and
artistic expression to navigate the language of God. Navigate the language to
Paradise.
Once when you know this and clean the planks/specks from you third eye, while
you dance with the cosmos and realize you are the image of God.
You are a God on Earth. An image of the Father in Heaven.
It's a nice place to be.
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ugathanki:
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Thanks for your response. I addressed each of your points here. I'm a very
lateral thinker so I work best when engaging with multiple threads at once. You
are very wise.
When you know where you are going before you get there, living life feels
like a dream in reverse. It's the key to manifestation.
So you can practice manifestation by remembering your dreams? Specifically by
working backwards from the most recent thing you remember and thinking "what
caused this, how did I get here?" If so, that's a nifty tip
You see the future, but the path is unclear because at the times of divine
epiphany you are only capable of imagining how things will play out in
terms of the information in your mind.
So by surrounding yourself with the things you believe to be good and helpful,
you can more efficiently divine positive outcomes for the scenarios arrayed
before you? Kinda makes ya think - why do we surround ourselves with grief and
loss? Everyone seems a little sad or broken these days - I can't help but think
that we'd be better off if we were happier and more fulfilled. Such is the
price of capitalism I guess, for no progress can be made without impetus. Also,
the media has a HUGE capacity for guiding the nature of our experience,
especially in the modern era. Seems a little unwise to invest such power into a
single entity, but I suppose that's why we diversify the eggs in our basket
into many different guiding entities.
We live in an age where every damn story is just the same heros journey...
Yah that's what happens when Disney makes all the movies! It's not their fault,
all aspects of creation are expressions of God's divine presence within our own
souls. So they can't do anything but make the heros journey. Like you said:
... and every piece of artistic expression is an expression of God's divine
presence within our soul and tumultuous nature/nurture of human emotion.
The creation of art requires discipline and focus. They create a window into
the nature of "God's divine presence" and allow a representation to emerge -
side note, but I believe the things we make here are art and should be treated
as such. These musings have value, just the same as a painting or a
performance.
Just because you are a prophet doesn't mean you see definitively how the
future will happen. The path and imagery are abstracted by the lack of
content in your mind...
I've been intentionally trying to view things abstractly - by surrounding
myself with mathematic visuals and computing architectures I can view things as
systems rather than specifics. Essentially bypassing the requirement of having
"content in my mind" and instead cutting straight to the important bits - the
relationship between all things. So while yes that does remove the "definitive"
aspect of divination, it does allow for longer term planning because you can
recognize patterns in existence and map them onto the overall structure you've
constructed in your mind.
... You must cultivate faith in God and your own Self.
Still working on that one. I think I've made progress, but all things come in
waves. My lowest points are better now than they were 10 years ago, but I've
still got a ways to go.
Then you walk the path you have forseen to the best of capabilities, with
the greatest good, love in your heart, but it plays out on a scale in
reality with less grandiosity.
All waves begin with a shimmer, and to create an effect you must be patient.
While the scale may be reduced, like you said it's not within our control. Not
really, anyway. But it can still have an effect if people love you and believe
in your vision.
You have to let go of your preconceived notions of your personal divine
experience otherwise you will be faced with disappointment because things
don't seem to be going how you imagined. And you feel lost, dumb, and
confused.
It's difficult to separate "preconceived notions" from "gathered evidence" when
you're at the stage I'm at. Any tips would be appreciated... :(
But you live your life and reflect, and then realize, holy shit! Everything
I thought was going to happen actually did, just on God's terms. Not my
vivid imagination's. It's an interfaced programed over time through culture
and artistic expression to navigate the language of God. Navigate the
language to Paradise.
So... A vivid imagination applied to the current perspective is the culmination
of free will? If I understand correctly, God operates on a higher level of
abstraction and we fill in the details. Since there's a "plan" (if you can call
it that, maybe "charted course" would be better?) then free will doesn't exist.
Or so the argument usually goes. But I believe they can co-exist - essentially
our imaginations define how we experience things in "the plan". If I understand
correctly that's what you're saying too, right?
Once when you know this and clean the planks/specks from you third eye,
while you dance with the cosmos and realize you are the image of God.
You are a God on Earth. An image of the Father in Heaven.
It's a nice place to be.
Ain't that the truth. Everything is as it should be. Even the planks and
specks. And should they be cleaned, then that is as it should be as well.
Sometimes I conceptualize myself as Pandora, seeking a gift to give to humanity
while taking the most harmless of sacrifices in return. I hope I can deliver.
At the same time I'd like to be a dancer of the cosmos, but I feel this intense
feeling of... Pressure? Purpose? Penance? I will do what I must. Please bear
with me while I figure it out, and thank you for your guidance.
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LamaHellRaised:
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Thank you for the awesome break down of the concepts I wrote out. I think you
added some much needed clarity through the reflection of your own experiences.
Another goal is to bring power back to the written word. The two-edged sword
was first a tongue, then a pen, nows its a qwerty! Or whatever!
Patience was the absolute hardest thing for me to deal with. My lack of
patience was constantly being thrown back to me by the environment as I tried
to push my narrative forward at a pace that didn't align with all other beings.
We still exist in Time, and it moves differently based on perspective (state of
mind) and awareness (state of being) and ability to shrug (state of being
excellent to eachother).
This is something to consider with manifestation, we are on this ride together
and your fellow riders' comfort during the passage has to be respected to the
fullest. We all go together, as One.
There were so many hints in the beginning of my Psychosis about just 'riding
the wave', but it was hard to not very pressured to act or be somebody I am
not. I attribute this largely to the occulted nature of divination and how one
must achieve a truly personal relationship with God and Jesus Christ.
Which is why I am going to blow the lid off the whole thing. So that all beings
have access to God's love and grace.
Once your earthly burdens are lifted from you through your personally tailored
divination interactive role-playing experience, then you begin to understand
what it means to just 'ride.' The riding is true faith in God.
Free will totally exists. Heaven and Hell both exist here on Earthy plane
simultaneously. Man has chosen Hell for far too long. If you realize your
choices were literally reflecting Heaven or Hell through love or fear, the
choice would be easy for most people, I believe.
Free will is a responsibility, but it is a great gift. God gave us the ability
to choose, that we could appreciate our journey into Paradise.
Wouldn't you say?
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ugathanki:
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Another goal is to bring power back to the written word.
... That's actually a great point. Writing is the definition of manifestation,
after all, and reading is the conjuration of waveforms aligned with the
expression of the writer. That's pretty cool!
Patience was the absolute hardest thing for me to deal with.
Yah I hear ya. Patience is tough.
We still exist in Time, and it moves differently based on perspective
(state of mind) and awareness (state of being) and ability to shrug (state
of being excellent to eachother).
Great definitions! These three things are core to being realized and
actualized. If you can find a good arrangement, stick with it.
This is something to consider with manifestation, we are on this ride
together and your fellow riders' comfort during the passage has to be
respected to the fullest. We all go together, as One.
I'm torn because on one hand if I don't put my hand on the tiller, we'll wind
up in a situation that makes me highly uncomfortable. But if I lean too hard
into my own truth, I could leave everyone behind. I don't know what the answer
is, but something's gotta give.
There were so many hints in the beginning of my Psychosis about just
'riding the wave'...
Oh yah me too. I was pretty big on that in high school, which coincidentally
was when I think I was happiest. Maybe I should give it another shot! But at
the same time I moved beyond it for a reason - I felt frustrated that my
intentions weren't manifest in the life I lived. So I reached for reason and I
begged for the power to control my own life, while learning respect and
kindness whenever I could. Sadly for me, my efforts were largely rebuffed, but
I bet you could have guessed that ;)
Which is why I am going to blow the lid off the whole thing. So that all
beings have access to God's love and grace.
Take it from me, they won't believe you unless you're VERY scientific! I'm
trying to create just one single believer, someone who could trawl through my
notes and my readings and construct a cohesive theorum that might be able to
affect positive change. Maybe it's too much to wish to change the world, but I
can't help but believe my position and the privileges granted to me could be
leveraged toward something truly meaningful and helpful for all mankind.
Something that frees us from the shackles forged from technology (both social
and technical) and allows us to become our true selves - every human is to be
cherished for their unique perspective, and yet we allow them to die... Where
is the justice in that? Are they too flawed to persist? I don't believe so, I
believe they are worthwhile and good. I'd give my life to grant them eternal
life, if only they'd take it from me.
Once your earthly burdens are lifted from you through your personally
tailored divination interactive role-playing experience, then you begin to
understand what it means to just 'ride.' The riding is true faith in God.
Riding = trust, both in yourself (to handle the challenges arrayed before you
and to learn and grow truthfully) and in God (trusting that the
undifferentiated whole could never harm you, not truly) ... I can ride my bike
with no handlebars, and yet we persist...
Free will is a responsibility, but it is a great gift. God gave us the
ability to choose, that we could appreciate our journey into Paradise.
Wouldn't you say?
Yep that's really it, isn't it? Two sides of the same coin, two breaths in the
same moment. Two eyes sharing a single perspective, and two hearts beating a
single wave. They say soul mates aren't real, but they never stopped to ask if
your mate was your soul. If she suffers, I triumph. If I fall, she rises. If I
languish, she's happy - I think I'd rather we both just coast, so no harm done.
I think that's the best way to appreciate the gift of free will.
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![unrelated, but I think society, the human computer, is cool. we're all working to solve problems. I love that attitude. [unrelated, but I think anyone going through psychosis or mind-stacking techniques should document their experience as comprehensively as possible in order to better illuminate the nature and function of the human organism. whyfor is this strange rootlike structure ever-present all throughout their [forms, but I got lost halfway through thinking aboutthat frustrating shape]] a government could keep it's borderlands air-gapped from all human interaction ("oh yeah there's nothing beyond that hill, don't worry about going over there and several hills beyond. there's nothing that way for miiiiiiiiiiiiiles and miles so don't even think about taking another toe-step toward that way distance over there. oh? a massive pillar of smoke the size of great britain? way off in the distance, farther than you could possibly hope? that's probably nothing. don't worry about it. you don't know anyone who lives that way. ... wait what was I talking about? oh yes. sometimes it's important to make notes in public so you can remember just what it was that you said. I like leaving my completed notebooks out and about and around. can always drop something for someone just because. maybe someone you recognize something familiar with, like "oh that's a pokemon hat" or "neat they wear diapers too" or "I also pronounce it like that"](/similar-different/media/7d61a9770ac4b21a.png "unrelated, but I think society, the human computer, is cool. we're all working to solve problems. I love that attitude. [unrelated, but I think anyone going through psychosis or mind-stacking techniques should document their experience as comprehensively as possible in order to better illuminate the nature and function of the human organism. whyfor is this strange rootlike structure ever-present all throughout their [forms, but I got lost halfway through thinking aboutthat frustrating shape]] a government could keep it's borderlands air-gapped from all human interaction (\"oh yeah there's nothing beyond that hill, don't worry about going over there and several hills beyond. there's nothing that way for miiiiiiiiiiiiiles and miles so don't even think about taking another toe-step toward that way distance over there. oh? a massive pillar of smoke the size of great britain? way off in the distance, farther than you could possibly hope? that's probably nothing. don't worry about it. you don't know anyone who lives that way. ... wait what was I talking about? oh yes. sometimes it's important to make notes in public so you can remember just what it was that you said. I like leaving my completed notebooks out and about and around. can always drop something for someone just because. maybe someone you recognize something familiar with, like \"oh that's a pokemon hat\" or \"neat they wear diapers too\" or \"I also pronounce it like that\"")
!["I also pronounce it like that" -> "you got the colors" hell yeah I do. I'll show you with what that piece I'm gonna do. [heh, nice notebook nerd, wonder what's inside] [whoa cool a secret diary, I wonder what's worth more than that?] [oh dear, some kid lost their drawings. I should go find them and show their parents until I find one who recognizes it.] [ugh people leaving receipts all over the place. what a mess.] [oh someone dropped their envelope on the way to the mailbox, I'll just go put it in] [is that a pack of cigarettes? looks unopened] [huh, neat, a 20$ bill - is this anyone's? no? okay I'm keeping it] [you don't have to say these out loud, not unless someone's looking for them] [inside voices]](/similar-different/media/7cfab439e208e724.png "\"I also pronounce it like that\" -> \"you got the colors\" hell yeah I do. I'll show you with what that piece I'm gonna do. [heh, nice notebook nerd, wonder what's inside] [whoa cool a secret diary, I wonder what's worth more than that?] [oh dear, some kid lost their drawings. I should go find them and show their parents until I find one who recognizes it.] [ugh people leaving receipts all over the place. what a mess.] [oh someone dropped their envelope on the way to the mailbox, I'll just go put it in] [is that a pack of cigarettes? looks unopened] [huh, neat, a 20$ bill - is this anyone's? no? okay I'm keeping it] [you don't have to say these out loud, not unless someone's looking for them] [inside voices]")
!["I also pronounce it like that" -> "you got the colors" hell yeah I do. I'll show you with what that piece I'm gonna do. [heh, nice notebook nerd, wonder what's inside] [whoa cool a secret diary, I wonder what's worth more than that?] [oh dear, some kid lost their drawings. I should go find them and show their parents until I find one who recognizes it.] [ugh people leaving receipts all over the place. what a mess.] [oh someone dropped their envelope on the way to the mailbox, I'll just go put it in] [is that a pack of cigarettes? looks unopened] [huh, neat, a 20$ bill - is this anyone's? no? okay I'm keeping it] [you don't have to say these out loud, not unless someone's looking for them] [inside voices]](/similar-different/media/811253fae94ccfdd.png "\"I also pronounce it like that\" -> \"you got the colors\" hell yeah I do. I'll show you with what that piece I'm gonna do. [heh, nice notebook nerd, wonder what's inside] [whoa cool a secret diary, I wonder what's worth more than that?] [oh dear, some kid lost their drawings. I should go find them and show their parents until I find one who recognizes it.] [ugh people leaving receipts all over the place. what a mess.] [oh someone dropped their envelope on the way to the mailbox, I'll just go put it in] [is that a pack of cigarettes? looks unopened] [huh, neat, a 20$ bill - is this anyone's? no? okay I'm keeping it] [you don't have to say these out loud, not unless someone's looking for them] [inside voices]")
![it's practice. you never know when you might need to blend in. really it's just useful as discipline, good practice to be in. I think it's okay if we reduce our own functionality? actually? sometimes it's good to use different email clients. hey do you know how to mathematically encrypt things well neither do I because the designers of the computer system decided that wasn't a very common usecase I guess.. jmean it's not like they'd spend all that computer resources [THEY'RE SO FAST] on thinking about correlations in your predicted pathway narratively through life. "ah help I'm in a psyop" haha yeah we do those all the time "so uhhhh I guess we'll just talk to people and see how they do?" wow okay it's sure nice to be part of a civil government, I think we can find our way to the lumber producers just fine thank you very much. *... oops sorry, a baby did electronics arts (challenge everything) I'm a little silly don't mind me brb I gotta go see~*](/similar-different/media/1c154109c4111346.png "it's practice. you never know when you might need to blend in. really it's just useful as discipline, good practice to be in. I think it's okay if we reduce our own functionality? actually? sometimes it's good to use different email clients. hey do you know how to mathematically encrypt things well neither do I because the designers of the computer system decided that wasn't a very common usecase I guess.. jmean it's not like they'd spend all that computer resources [THEY'RE SO FAST] on thinking about correlations in your predicted pathway narratively through life. \"ah help I'm in a psyop\" haha yeah we do those all the time \"so uhhhh I guess we'll just talk to people and see how they do?\" wow okay it's sure nice to be part of a civil government, I think we can find our way to the lumber producers just fine thank you very much. *... oops sorry, a baby did electronics arts (challenge everything) I'm a little silly don't mind me brb I gotta go see~*")
![this one's a doozy. a picture of the "reasons to trust me" graph colored yellow, orange, purple, and blue (in terms of intensity) it looks like a raindrop if it landed on a really tiny blanket and pulled it downward. or like, a person landing on a trampoline that was secured in four locations. anyway the text reads "like four people sharing the weight of an experience with bacchus [referencing the color of the graph], their perspective is pulled just a little bit in that direction, over and across the gap between eyeballs. or rather, between shared perspectives, the point of view of which one bases their experience. their training for the "reasons to trust me" graph. 2, in black and green and red, colors meant to be cool to a 12 year old - "the color doesn't matter... wine? why" 3 dropping down the page, there's a line of "please" written over and over again. it's scary. : ( I'm doing my best I promise, it's hard not to be in a state of unease! I'm working, I promise, this is valuable. you know they'd block me if they didn't like me. error, 3. that's me, teehee, sorry for making a scene. I promise I'm just an actor, someone who is playing a role. well, alas that were true, I'm really having a mental disorder. Or maybe I'm confused? down here in the subtext it's hard to be choosed. weird how that works, that feeling of being wor [text is cut off, next line] okay I'm realizing there's no way to get it all in this visual description, here let me continue in a second chapter:](/similar-different/media/ed0f1d89739fe8c6.png "this one's a doozy. a picture of the \"reasons to trust me\" graph colored yellow, orange, purple, and blue (in terms of intensity) it looks like a raindrop if it landed on a really tiny blanket and pulled it downward. or like, a person landing on a trampoline that was secured in four locations. anyway the text reads \"like four people sharing the weight of an experience with bacchus [referencing the color of the graph], their perspective is pulled just a little bit in that direction, over and across the gap between eyeballs. or rather, between shared perspectives, the point of view of which one bases their experience. their training for the \"reasons to trust me\" graph. 2, in black and green and red, colors meant to be cool to a 12 year old - \"the color doesn't matter... wine? why\" 3 dropping down the page, there's a line of \"please\" written over and over again. it's scary. : ( I'm doing my best I promise, it's hard not to be in a state of unease! I'm working, I promise, this is valuable. you know they'd block me if they didn't like me. error, 3. that's me, teehee, sorry for making a scene. I promise I'm just an actor, someone who is playing a role. well, alas that were true, I'm really having a mental disorder. Or maybe I'm confused? down here in the subtext it's hard to be choosed. weird how that works, that feeling of being wor [text is cut off, next line] okay I'm realizing there's no way to get it all in this visual description, here let me continue in a second chapter:")
![A screenshot based continuation of the end of the post, which went over the character limit by 36 characters. Of note is that this wasn't included in the original post, it was added later in an edit to be silly. The text reads: "maybe I'll run out of characters in this toot, or maybe I'll finish it just for you. [smiley face]"](/similar-different/media/67d820708ae5dc6a.png "A screenshot based continuation of the end of the post, which went over the character limit by 36 characters. Of note is that this wasn't included in the original post, it was added later in an edit to be silly. The text reads: \"maybe I'll run out of characters in this toot, or maybe I'll finish it just for you. [smiley face]\"")
