=== ANCHOR POEM ===
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Ugh. This outfit is sooooo preschool. Oh well, it'll have to do.
"girl it's so cute what are you talking about"
oh, y'know, internalized repression I guess. Do you think the tanktop on top
of a longsleeved shirt is too much? How about the skirt over sweatpants? Is
the bow in my hair too cute for you?
"who are you talking to I already said I was all about it"
... the mirror. Trying to psyche myself up.
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=== SIMILARITY RANKED ===
--- #1 fediverse/814 ---
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║ ah that's weird, I don't usually cry. I wonder what's going on. I should │
║ probably put myself on psychiatric drugs. Surely it's an expression of the │
║ implementation of my impending doom. │
║ │
║ ... what are you even saying bro │
║ │
║ ... um, hang on feels like some of the circuitry is off. is something wrong in │
║ my brain? yeah that's surely it, surely nothing I say would resoinate with │
║ anyone that has a non-malfunctioning brain. Surely I don't speak of logical │
║ failures in the hard founded truths of our asset [society I think? like, our │
║ conditions, our institutions, our {gosh that just... does not translate}] um │
║ right what was I saying │
║ │
║ oh yeah there's this game I'm really into called Knave, it's like D&D │
║ except the rules are very fewer. Like there's onyl 11 pages in the rulebook │
║ and it's mostly taken up by random roll tables. Like, everything boings down │
║ to a few simple rules, like rock paper scissors, or go-fish, or something like │
║ that with just afew mechanids. something timeless and pure, something that is │
║ isolated and en │
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--- #2 fediverse/1399 ---
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║ ┌───────────────────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: cursing-mentioned-eye-contact │ │
║ └───────────────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ If you're worried about passing, take what you're good at and make it gay. │
║ │
║ Do you wear band t-shirts and black jeans? Great you're an emo girl now, │
║ totally reasonable transitionary state before you end up as a cute anime girl │
║ with spinny uwu dresses or whatever your heart desires │
║ │
║ do you generally stick to jeans and sweatshirts? Okay congrats you're just as │
║ cute, don't feel inadequate just because you like being comfy. Hell yeah │
║ you're cute as fuck, you know you are, I mean just look at that smile! Wow damn │
║ │
║ like, switch the gender, not the vibe. not only will other people be cool with │
║ it but also, like, you won't alter the course of your trajectory. │
║ │
║ unless that's what you want, but TBH if you're both enigmatic AND phlegmatic │
║ [EDIT: but like the opposite of phlegmatic, I always get the definition wrong] │
║ then you can change a lot and people won't rely on you to be a certain way. │
║ │
║ ... you know you can delete things before you post them, right? Ha I've never │
║ even heard of the word. │
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--- #3 fediverse/3437 ---
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│ CW: re: mental-health-minus │
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@user-579
my problem is figuring out which thoughts are intrusive and which are actually
mine
I usually err on the side of "would you want your sister to do this" or "how
would you feel if your mom told you that" or "do you think a cute sweet soft
cat would ever think such a thing" and that usually works.
usually.
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--- #4 fediverse/4526 ---
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│ CW: mental-health │
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most people get intrusive thoughts like "punch that baby" or "drink some
gasoline"
my intrusive thoughts are like "who is she" and "we need you" and "lead us"
and "their strength is imagined" and stuff like that
gosh I don't know how ya'll handle it I'd be dead in a ditch if I was
neurotypical.
... intrusive thoughts are not typical
ah. Right. Nevermind then.
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--- #5 fediverse/4687 ---
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"girl, who let you dress yourself? You literally put your rain jacket on over
your backpack"
yeah, uh, if your rain jacket isn't big enough to wear over a backpack then
you are wearing a plastic sweater, not a rain jacket
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--- #6 fediverse/4688 ---
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--- #7 fediverse/2286 ---
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│ CW: uspol-food-mentioned │
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... dangit, these sandwiches are getting kinda gross. Guess I'm gonna have to
eat them myself, which, uh... idk what I expected xD
sometimes you just have all this energy, right? and you don't know what to do
with it, so... sandwiches. And hey, sandwiches are cool, they're a pretty neat
anti-hunger tool! but uhhhh idk if I really want to eat six whole sandwiches
myself. I'm gonna do it though hehe wish me luck [ding] ah nuts my rice and
beans are done, hang on lemme eat those first
[passes out from exhaustion]
exhaustion can be cured with a nap
exertion can be cured with water and a few rest days
trauma can be allayed for at least a few days with soul food and compassion.
maybe laughter too, depending on the mood.
fear can be bolstered with a smile, a wink, and a courageous act,
and loss is just change you didn't consent to.
they won't consent too, so let's give them some change to tolerate.
[internally salivating over all the piles of weaponry that I envision them
surrendering]
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--- #8 fediverse/3834 ---
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│ CW: politics-mentioned │
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some people prepare for revolution like a boy gets ready for a party
others do so like a girl packing for a weekend trip to vegas
I do it like a kid who forgot the paper was due on monday in 7th period and so
spends their entire lunch period writing it (missing 4th in the process
because the conclusion paragraph was giving me difficulty)
but I think no matter how you do it, we're all just waiting for something to
happen.
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--- #9 fediverse/1293 ---
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┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: fedi meta, the bad space, fediblock, misleading and untrue cw, uspol, speedrunning discourse, industrial revolution, aquarium tips │
└──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘
@user-921
where tf is all this discourse I always hear about like what are ya'll talking
about
... are you talking about me
[silly intrusive thoughts teehee pay no mind]
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--- #10 messages/1336 ---
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Somehow, it feels like nobody is all that interested in me. Like nobody wants
me, that they want me to disappear and stay hidden.
This is of course just dark whispers trying to be purified by me. Surely,
surely that must be so.
Maybe I'm depressed. This happens sometimes.
Maybe I'm feeling threatened. This happens sometimes, especially when things
are uncertain. Is this the day when my food will be poisoned? Is tomorrow when
i get kicked out of homeschool? Maybe I forgot something important yesterday
but I can't recall whether I'm at liberty to recall.
Maybe I'm feeling lonely.
I am feeling lonely.
Yep that's probably it.
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--- #11 fediverse/5480 ---
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a uniform could be as simple as whatever you all managed to find on a
particular shopping trip to a basic clothing store like Target or not
goodwill. Goodwill is for solo adventures which are totally worthless [unless
you know more than me teehee]
"hey nice shoes nerd where did you get them the clothing store?"
(scroll scroll scroll scroll)
yes... YES!!! show me more, oh pitiful world! SHOW ME HOW THE WORLD ENDS
MWAHAHAHAHA
- the internal monologue of a typical doomscroller
{girl you know nothing why are you so confident}
[the reasoning is a little obscene. She dreams of a bright bold future that
reaches forth from both beyond the stars - read that: BEYOND, or from backward
in time. Not back in time, like not the actual 1800s or 18,000s, but the
direction "backward" in spacetime. Yeah I don't get it either]
{speak for yourself, n00b}
-- stack overflow -- [liar that was intentional]
oh, uh, true. Um, -- stack reached maximum required length and storage --
[there, that's better]
20 characters remain
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--- #12 fediverse/1317 ---
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║ ... if I don't do this deadline by tomorrow they'll kick me out of school. │
║ again. │
║ │
║ how am I going to be a programmer without a degree? feels useless to be me. │
║ wish I could code my own horoscope >.> │
║ │
║ o wait dummy that's called "motivation" and "the ability to follow through on │
║ your ideas and planned machinations" - yeah can I get some of that, if you │
║ please? surely just a taste of discipline, through laboring to alter │
║ conditions, surely a bit would suffice. │
║ │
║ c'mon don't fail me now. I can do this. I know I can. I know because I've been │
║ told that I can, now and again through time and time yet again, always I seem │
║ to [stack overflow] │
║ │
║ what's time if not the present amiright │
║ │
║ ... │
║ │
║ anyway... │
║ │
║ it's just git, how hard could it be? it's just calculus, it's just java, it's │
║ just... well, it's not any of those things, not really. it's memorization, │
║ it's application of tools that you've been shown (not that you've grown). It's │
║ a lack of responsibility, where is my honor? ah but I digress, I'm a carpenter │
║ at heart I guess │
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--- #13 fediverse/5201 ---
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@user-192
is okay, girl
time will be richer sooner
don't poop your pants just yet
remember, good is just a shade of gray away from silver which you can use to
line your pockets with tinfoil hats
beep boop computer touchers anonymous called they said they want their secret
handshake back
if you wanna diss your associates go ahead but I sure as heck love my rad-ical
com-patriots just as much as I love my ice-cream salad friend witches
... whoops there I go being insane again, hope you feel better friend
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--- #14 fediverse/2169 ---
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@user-570
Ah, well, that time period for me was after I came out, so I was already past
the fear of being seen.
I could only ever really get the "girl thoughts" to go away with, um,
self-directed sexual attention, so I would often do so. Once every day, no
more than once. But... often for hours at a time. It was a LOT, but I resisted
as best I could, the only way I knew how, until eventually my internals would
overcome.
... anyway "girl thoughts" were just "my thoughts" I was just too much of a
dumbass to tell.
Like, I knew I was trans, but I didn't want that, because it felt like a flaw.
Because that's what I knew, that's what I'd heard, and that's how it felt, to
be denied the consistency of biology and person.
I would never go back. I love who I am, and I think if I had met me I would
have adored who I'd become.
I just... didn't think about the future much, hyper-vigilant much? Yeah.
totally. I get it.
I've never overdone things. At least not to a dangerous degree. It's mostly
just... stuff to me.
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--- #15 fediverse/2172 ---
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@user-570
I mostly spent my time on Reddit, which was much more isolating than IRC. I
think I must have been drawn there because it felt like home - I was
homeschooled on a farm, and Reddit kept me at the distance of an arm.
it's funny, sometimes meeting a trans girl can make things "click". And
sometimes being friends with one helps you work through things that you just
can't tick
[off your list of things to work on]
habits you can kick? idk sometimes rhyming lies, and you have to break rhythm
or pentameter or whatever.
anyway I've always worn pants. I do dresses on special occasions, but dresses
are hard(er) to ride a bike in. Plus, no pockets, and purses are easily
stolen. At least with a pocket you can feel someone slip the exact same model
as your phone into your pocket when you're least expecting.
... hypervigilance strikes again...
I first transitioned in... 2014ish? I think? I don't really remember because I
had so many more interesting things going on.
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--- #16 fediverse/169 ---
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@user-95 one of the most empathetic people I ever met on VR chat was consoling
me with their mic off while I was oversharing about some stupid things people
did to me in the past. things that stupid me thought were okay and actively
encouraged because I was stupid. anyway when their mic was off their body
language spoke for them. I'll try that next time.
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--- #17 fediverse/5410 ---
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║ ┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: clothing-stores-mentioned-shopping-mentioned-individual-style-mentioned │ │
║ └─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ I think it'd be neat if there was a job or social role that involved getting │
║ to know someone's style and then visiting clothing stores with their │
║ preferences in mind and shopping for like, 10 people at once. │
║ │
║ then they could take the clothes to each person's house and be like "hey, do │
║ you want this? would it fit you?" and they'd be like "yeah" or "sure" because │
║ honestly who's gonna say no, that's just rude, its like telling the │
║ hairdresser your haircut stinks. BUT they'd also say "okay give me your least │
║ favorites in exchange" and then they'd trade with the clothing stores or │
║ whatever to try and get people exactly what they like over the course of │
║ months or years or however long. │
║ │
║ I don't like shopping for clothes : ( │
║ │
║ some people like taking care of others, and some of those people like shopping │
║ for clothes. │
║ │
║ so I think it'd be neat if there was a way to enable them to help people as │
║ they'd like, and as the people being helped would like. │
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--- #18 fediverse/1996 ---
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I don't expect or demand anything from teenagers except perhaps "be a cool
kid" and "learn all that you can"
Even most adults when they mess up I just think "ah, well, they're trying
their hardest, same as anyone"
And tbh I'd rather see a kid running up and down the aisles than burying
themselves in an ipad
I think we, as a culture, built our society to demand too many "should"s from
people.
"I should get a job" "I should study this thing I'm not interested in so I can
make more money" "I should put out traps for the rabid wolverines so they
don't start hanging out in my underwear" "I should pick up detergent at the
grocery store"
Should is useless. Do; or do not. There is no should.
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--- #19 messages/1427 ---
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the people around me are my understudies. I guess. unbeknownst to me. somehow
that makes me feel more vulnerable? like gee there's people who want to kill
me, great. scary. and they all hate me, but lust for what I might let them
become. All they have to do is master me, and then they can kill and replace
me. great. I think I'll continue to scream, thank you very much.
PLEASE PLEASE GOD OH GOD HELP ME PLEASE
yeah yeah, heard it all before. what's up this time my child?
uhhuh, have you tried turning it off and on again?
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--- #20 fediverse/1157 ---
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│ CW: personal-woe │
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oh no, apparently I'm gonna be forced to drop out of university again in 9
days unless I do half a course and a final exam before then.
Tell me again why I spent the last 6 months doing nothing? Oh yeah the mental
illness, that's it. Yeesh you're such a drama queen, just do your work and
you'll be good.
what's that? intrusive thoughts time? Don't you mean "nap until they go away"
time? oh yeah that's probably at least part of the problem with the whole
"dropping out" thing.
If only I didn't have the same reaction to "doing things I don't want to do"
that most people have to "touching hot stoves", that'd be nice.
my mother's voice ripples across space and time "you're such a smart boy, if
you just apply yourself you can do anything! You can do anything you put your
mind to. I believe in you and I love you." thanks mom
brrrrr it's so cold here. wish I could afford to run the heater. - actually no
I don't because it's not solar powered and I refuse to use fossil fuels if I
have blankets >.>
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