=== ANCHOR POEM ===
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I ran myself ragged. Why? Just to get used to the feeling I guess. Probably
should have started that kind of training a lifetime ago, but I've learned a
lot in the past 5 days. Here's hoping the next 3 or 4 will go the same.
I can't wait to be outside again.
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=== SIMILARITY RANKED ===
--- #1 messages/1023 ---
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I have stalled with such urgency that now i scarcely know how to act. Or
rather, how to know when to act. Everything's just... Waiting, butting in and
asking "hey how's the readiness?" and then slinking off to yonder and afore.
It's troubling to know how little i know. It troubles me still more to know
that others expect me to both act, and wait, and i am considering how to move
forward.
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--- #2 fediverse/1263 ---
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@user-883
My friends and I decided to hang out for two days in a row, I guess they
aren't tired of me yet hehe - I might be around tonight but I'll let you know!
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--- #3 fediverse/5982 ---
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when I stretch, it feels like I'm finally getting blood flow to my farthest
parts.
when I work out, it's like I'm pumping health through my body. but only when
I'm in a rhythm. when I'm going for very long, I get hallucinations like I'm
stoned. I once walked for 3 days straight with 2 hours of rest, plus standing
every time I crossed the street waiting for cars. never sitting though. and a
lean was only for laughs.
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--- #4 fediverse/2215 ---
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I'm kind of a hermit, but it's sunday and I have nothing to do, so I'm going
to get lost on my bike today in a city I've lived near for almost 5 years and
really should know better by now.
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--- #5 fediverse/3058 ---
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@user-1441 @user-670 @user-113
currently toe-ing the boundary between "too neurodivergent to function" and
"can juuuuust barely take care of themselves" and they ask me to get a job...
no thanks, guess I'll die
(in 3-4 months when my savings run out)
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--- #6 fediverse/2350 ---
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I spent about two hours today (and a good chunk of tomorrow's stamina) chasing
a rabbit through a field. Can't help but wonder if that particular lead wasn't
as important as leading from the front. Ah, well, we'll see.
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--- #7 fediverse/5460 ---
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if you sit down to write and nothing comes to mind, then either nothing needs
to be said or maybe you should spend time reading instead.
... okey dokey, time to read I guess.
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--- #8 fediverse/5793 ---
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I posted my words text file all over the c it y today. not sure why. maybe I'm
tired of this course and I don't want to let anyone down? Maybe I don't know
what to do yet. Maybe nobody works with me because everyone's keeping it on
the DL or whateverr?
... anyway enough typing, I'm going to go play a video game. like god intended.
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--- #9 fediverse/1722 ---
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│ CW: food-mentioned │
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harsh lessons of adulthood - sometimes food is not eaten for the taste, but
rather for how it will make you feel slightly better in the next few days.
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--- #10 fediverse/4085 ---
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I can always tell when people who believe in me start thinking of me because I
start feeling the urge to do pushups
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--- #11 fediverse/4744 ---
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│ CW: cat-mentioned │
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me to my cat: "don't eat so much that you puke, okay?"
me to me: "yeah I can take on another task, I'm almost done with this one and
then I'll just do that one and maybe this one'll get back to me at the same
time as this one which conflicts with this other thing so maybe I'll just
puke, okay?"
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--- #12 fediverse/4087 ---
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there's a whole class of things I miss doing but can no longer do because I am
not a child anymore.
Balancing the weight of the things we miss and the things we believe in is the
struggle of adulthood.
I yearn for the day I can set aside my teenage-ish toys, but alas, I am but
30. Scarcely a decade away from my teens. Which means I'll be stuck with them
for at least a decade more.
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--- #13 fediverse/5902 ---
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if you want to train debug skills to a computer, just train them on every
stage of the git commit tree.
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--- #14 fediverse/2452 ---
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fell off my bike today. It helped me get used to pain. When I heal, I'll be a
bit stronger.
I'm still showing up tomorrow. It was but a scratch.
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--- #15 fediverse/5452 ---
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│ CW: all-cops-are-bastards-mentioned-personal-ramblings-and-complainings-mentioned │
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I never rest. Not mentally. I find it sooooo much harder to get moving again
once I'm asleep.
But I've been sleeping lately, because it's "good for me" or whatever. Because
I'm "burnt out and need to heal" or something.
Damnit why is it so much harder to stop snuggling someone than it is to pack
up a tent?
I'm like the guy in Hot Fuzz, that one really good movie about cops. oops cops
mentioned one second.
I'm always moving, but, I hardly ever seem to be able to get anything done.
Why is that? Is the work just... endless? Am I ever a slave to my
surroundings? Or am I just cursed with a mortal form, a form destined to toil
in whatever way it finds itself contextualized in?
Maybe I should just stop complaining. Maybe work is it's own reward or
whatever. I don't think I'm depressed anymore, although good luck getting me
to feel any emotions except focus, and the call to intercede on another's
behalf.
I don't have time for this. >.
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--- #16 fediverse/537 ---
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@user-366 @user-367 @user-246 @user-353
Ah yes, wouldn't it be nice if everyone spoke their mind? I'm doing my part
d=(^_^)z
Thank you for adding context to what I posted. I now know better how and where
to use it, if I ever do again. We shall see, I haven't yet read the
examinations of the author you sent me. I'll do that before I think about the
post again.
Those 6 tabs I mentioned last night have now become 4, and soon I'll get
through all of them - reading is a joy to me ^_^
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--- #17 fediverse/5650 ---
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I exist now at the height of my gluttony.
I need more to be demanded of me.
I am not afraid to ask for help.
I solve other people's problems before my own.
I have very little insight into my habits and patterns.
My memory isn't great, but I recall details that matter.
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--- #18 fediverse/2434 ---
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I spent most of today asleep. I guess that's what I get for chatting all night
with a stranger. gonna putz around a bit, should be nice.
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--- #19 messages/304 ---
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Relax.
Take it from me.
I won't resist, at least I'll try, and if I start suddenly then it hurts and
you should go slower. Unless I do three short, three long, three short.
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--- #20 fediverse/3932 ---
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@user-889
don't give up!
I know that feeling!
it is defeated with persistence!
don't give up!
you can make it!
there's always tomorrow!
so don't give up!
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--- #21 fediverse/1818 ---
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my previous job didn't do anything to harm me. And yet I left. I let them down
in a way they could not have expected. Which was unfair of me, but I couldn't
resist it. I don't know what I'd do better.
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--- #22 fediverse/4141 ---
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@user-1268
I often walk to the grocery store, even though it's on the other side of the
highway
also I will walk sometimes to meet people nearby
it's a fun occasion
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--- #23 fediverse/1243 ---
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@user-883
hey sorry for ditching you yesterday, hope you had a good night ^_^
I feel much better today.
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--- #24 fediverse/2516 ---
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According to a sign that I passed just four days ago, I have one day left.
Whatever that means.
so next week better be good.
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--- #25 fediverse/6292 ---
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I'm stuck. I don't know how to leverage whatever talents I have into making
things happen. Maybe I should seek advice from a wise elder...
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--- #26 fediverse/5208 ---
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│ CW: capitalism-suicide-mentioned │
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Look, when I promised "Revolution or Death" I got pretty busy and kinda forgot
to do the "dying" part, and by now it'd be a little awkward if I offed myself
for no visible reason, so... How about we try again this summer? Maybe in a
month or two? I'll try to keep the fire burning a bit longer this time.
plus I'm better at playing the piano now so maybe that'll help somehow.
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--- #27 fediverse/6051 ---
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I wish I could go outside and see how things are going.
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--- #28 fediverse/2104 ---
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@user-192
oooooo yeah I usually try and reply to my old post with any new information. I
never get the chance to think the same thoughts twice because when I was
younger I had problems with thought-loops where I'd think something like "darn
I could have handled that social situation better" and before you know it I'd
be rocking myself to sleep trying to stop thinking negative thoughts about
myself.
So I broke my brain a little and now I can't think the same thing more than
once, which is part of why it's so hard for me to finish projects. Alas.
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--- #29 fediverse/3077 ---
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@user-246
If I didn't stop searching for a place with people like me, I'd be searching
until the day I die. And besides, I wouldn't want to be in a place like that
anyway. I am defined by my contrasts.
... I'm thinking back to my memories of when I arrived here. It was a much
different place, and I was... a little too loud, I think.
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--- #30 fediverse/2573 ---
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│ CW: physical-health │
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... zzz ZZZ zzz ...
my hip hurts. noticed I was limping about halfway through the night. eh, well,
it'll get better. I hope it's not too bad to ride tomorrow, we'll see.
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--- #31 fediverse/2511 ---
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my bike has been squeaking. I should be kinder with it when going over curbs.
It's an old guy, older than I!
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--- #32 fediverse/3970 ---
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@user-1628
same... it's like I am conditioned to forget, but without it I am an exposed
nerve.
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--- #33 fediverse/2281 ---
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I'd be a terrible spy. Not only is my opsec something that someone needs to
teach me, I'm much too busy to implement things without their help. I am
unabashedly compassionate though, so just ask and I'll pour love from my heart.
But hey! There's always time to practice, each moment you can think "what kind
of a sign is this?"
Like a crazy person following the will of god, or a nature witch listening to
the wind in the trees.
What they often get wrong, and what they could be better at hearing, is that
signals are not signs unless they're out of the ordinary.
Trick is, if you're a spy, then you need to leave signals that are visible
enough to your quarry, but not to the stars.
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--- #34 fediverse/2424 ---
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if I don't take this job, then I'm going to be homeless.
if I do, then I'll be moving to a different city.
a city that I don't know.
my upbringing tells me that this isn't a choice at all, but...
at least I have a place to keep my stuff. maybe I can find a different job.
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--- #35 messages/1068 ---
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why would they psyop me? there's a psyop about me! heck, I've never done so as
I pleased. that's an aspiration. everything I do is at a command, whether it's
my own or external.
these days I find myself following my own. mostly. though I am always waiting
for collaboration opportunities.
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--- #36 fediverse/2974 ---
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┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: uspol │
└──────────────────────┘
currently on turbo mode trying to "find myself" because I figure I might not
get a chance next year, so... whatever, right?
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--- #37 fediverse/6321 ---
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"hey. wanna stretch with me? oh, whatever you want. I'll be doing my own
thing."
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--- #38 fediverse/4636 ---
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ummmmm yeah the reason I went off hormones 5 weeks ago is totally because I
want to test low so that they bump up my prescription so I can stockpile.
Totally not because I executive dysfunctioned my way into this mess. again.
Almost as if it doesn't happen 3 or 4 times per year -.-
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--- #39 fediverse/2280 ---
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┌──────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: uspol-spirituality-mentioned │
└──────────────────────────────────────┘
Today the tone seemed to have shifted, there was a lot more resolution as I
rode by. What a feeling, to be bolstered when shaking!
Like swimming for land after just a bit too long at sea, or collapsing into
bed after another day of wage slavery.
I'm proud of that instinct, the sudden clarity of unified determination.
I'm proud of that blessing, the gift of an ace of hearts.
It's not June anymore, but I'm proud anyway.
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--- #40 fediverse/6018 ---
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I feel so sad, like I'm missing something precious to me... I hope someone
knows who to take it to. Like the world is just a bit darker and more mundane.
ah, well, maybe it's just perception bias. When things leave your timeline
(temporarily or permanently) they take their inertial influence with them.
It's okay to mourn the loss of a friend, of a relic, or an opportunity. So
long as you continue to nurture light, life, and hope wherever you go, the
magic will return and continue to flow. If you believe that, then you know
what faith is. easy enough...
please be worth it
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--- #41 messages/146 ---
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maybe if I slept until the end of time,
I'd do better on the way back.
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--- #42 fediverse/938 ---
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@user-649
same... sometimes it feels like I step on toes that I didn't know existed! I
got tired of walking on egg shells so now I just try and religiously put
content warnings on things that feel intense.
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--- #43 fediverse/112 ---
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I live through the moments where I find a folder of stuff I made that I forgot
about and I can go back and see it for the first time.
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--- #44 fediverse/4438 ---
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│ CW: personal-food-mentioned │
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gonna take a nap and eat something besides trail mix. How is it already almost
dark? Might have to save tomorrow for going to the park.
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--- #45 fediverse/2359 ---
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@user-1248
everyone does, it's natural to rest.
I slept like a rock last night because I rode my bike all day yesterday. Not
ideal, I didn't have any useful dreams!
There's a difference between downtime and freetime. Freetime should be spent
toward something you care about, downtime is time spent recovering from the
things you don't.
I think in a better world, we'd only have freetime. Perhaps then we wouldn't
need to feel so down in our time.
I will use my freetime to build a world where we live as we define, that is my
goal, that is what I care about.
you do you tho 😋
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--- #46 fediverse/3770 ---
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for every "I was there. I helped make it happen" we need at least a couple "I
was there. I saw the whole thing go down"s because like, nobody's gonna
believe a belligerent, even if they're on the defensive.
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--- #47 fediverse/1273 ---
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@user-883
@user-450
I knocked, spoke aloud several times, poked my head in, and slowly and
carefully looked around for signs of a struggle. There was a bath towel on the
kitchen floor, which was weird, and their oven/stove was off, which is good. I
spent less than 30 seconds in there, and then I waited out front for ~15
minutes. I also asked the neighbors and notified maintenance, who came over
and shut the door. That's all I know. I hope they're okay.
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--- #48 messages/1143 ---
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if you wanna do drugs on a battlefield, get twisted and high and drunk. Just
enough, not as much as usual. let adrenaline focus take care of the rest.
"uhhh, yeah can you file that one under advice for warriors?"
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--- #49 fediverse/1292 ---
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┌────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: mental health question │
└────────────────────────────────┘
@user-78
anhedonia perhaps? the difficulty of identifying or feeling emotions? (emojis
as you put them)
you shouldn't overexpose yourself to things regularly. Think of it like you're
slowly adjusting your body to a poison - you need to start out slowly to build
up a tolerance. In the same way if things make your heart hurt then you
shouldn't expose yourself to too many of them all at once - face the darkness
you find, but only enough to contrast with your bright.
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--- #50 fediverse/4014 ---
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I don't know about you, but "trying my hardest" involves giving up sometimes.
How else are you to know your limits if you don't test your boundaries? And,
after finding that there's nowhere else for you to go, you turn around and
"give up", until you're ready for your next expedition.
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--- #51 fediverse/5841 ---
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I find maybe one or two days a week to work on my projects. About one or two
days to be spent publicly. The rest of the time I'm handling myself, my
chores, my girlfriends, and various mundane things.
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--- #52 messages/1046 ---
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I'm not here for fame. Or power. I'm here to make sure things get done. That
they get better. When i am unneeded, i am home. If you want me, pull me forth.
If you need me, I'm already there. Fate guides me, and i know i will be
deployed when necessary. Compel me or dispel me, up to you. I personally just
like being around. I like feeling my stuff, knowing it true. Trust me when i
say, i am here for you.
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--- #53 fediverse/2297 ---
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Lying wide awake at night with things that I want to say drifting through my
mind one by one
getting up to write them down? forgetting them all.
I think I'm just gonna leave my computer online to reduce friction hehe.
up and down, till everyone's in town, maybe I'll nap between tweets.
[they're called toots here, dummy]
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--- #54 fediverse/2919 ---
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┌───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: imaginary-conversation-that-didn't-happen-tee-hee │
└───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘
"you can't be a paladin anymore because you don't practice with your weapon
every day"
I don't have room in my home to practice though : (
"go to the fucking park you weasel"
I don't want anyone to see me swinging a sword around! they might call the
cops, or worse, judge me for it!
"you want judgement eh well just wait until your opponent judges your
swordsmanship lacking then you'll find out what judgement tastes like as he
shoves your entrails down your throat"
I'm sorry I'll practice more T.T
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--- #55 fediverse/2512 ---
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┌───────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: question that is also complaining │
└───────────────────────────────────────────┘
@user-1153
it's okay. If I were to direct something to be more proactive, my words
probably wouldn't stick with it. that kind of thing can't be hardwired, it
needs to be built up through repetitious application of something's mechanics.
perhaps martial arts, focused on defence? engaging with a foe in a productive
bout of playful competition is one of the best ways to learn, and knowing when
to strike seems similar to me to overcoming situational paralysis.
Flaws can be overcome, when upgrading robots (or a doll applying improvements
to itself) you often don't need to add additional hardware or even install new
firmware. Skills such as these can be built up in software with experience.
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--- #56 fediverse/2381 ---
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I smile at each and every person I pass on the street. Unless it looks like
they're having a bad day, and then I try to switch to neutral as fast as I can
so they can feel their feelings without me interjecting and making it about me.
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--- #57 fediverse/4654 ---
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┌────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: cannabis-and-other-drugs-mentioned │
└────────────────────────────────────────┘
gonna quit drugs for a bit, gotta recover from a recent haste spell that I
cast. Probably a bit earlier than intended I should add. Next time I'll
definitely say "keep this in your back pocket" instead of "hey here's a haste
spell for no reason at all" like what the heck were you even thinking, powers
that be?? [that guide me??]
who has power over you? If someone bears responsibility but not fault for a
mental illness, then surely those who are set to a task bear responsibility
for it's completion if not for it's ideation. Ah, who can say, maybe me from a
year ago might have some thoughts but I sorta ground them into the dirt until
I couldn't walk.
[girl what are you even talking about go to sleep] yeah yeah okay
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--- #58 fediverse/4706 ---
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┌───────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: cursing-mentioned-nazis-mentioned │
└───────────────────────────────────────────┘
"oh also I should mention that if you think about her too hard or too often
there's a chance she'll overhear what you're talking about anyway so try not
to think about her too much."
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--- #59 fediverse/2372 ---
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┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: pol │
└──────────────────────┘
I had a job lined up, but with great personal change came great societal
change. And I got swept up. Now here I am, somehow finding myself blown on the
winds of fate to stand atop a mountain and survey the lands below.
I see the path to our bright future, and it is wide enough for us all to walk.
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--- #60 fediverse/4562 ---
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I like being alone. But if I'm alone for too long, I suffocate. I start acting
like a weird nerd who doesn't know what to do with their hands.
If I spend too much time with people, I get exhausted and I can't think
straight. I start using other people's mannerisms instead of my own.
I'm not an introvert, or an extrovert, I think the dichotomy is stupid and
people have completely separate needs that deplete and recharge at their own
rates.
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--- #61 fediverse/3426 ---
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┌────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: death-of-a-family-member-mentioned │
└────────────────────────────────────────┘
my grandpa died. now I have none.
I realized I miss old people. I miss their friendly culture.
I realized I hadn't talked to him for a decade or so. He didn't know I
transitioned.
I wonder if he missed me. I realized he missed seeing who I became. Is it
unfair of me to not give him the opportunity to know me? truly?
... I am quite different now than I was 10 years ago. He probably doesn't
remember.
I miss him, but I hardly knew him. I don't like that feeling.
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--- #62 fediverse/3879 ---
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@user-1614
yeah haha that's what happens when you spin too fast. Sorry for being loud, at
least I tried my hardest. Too bad I fell on my own, too bad there wasn't
anyone to catch me. That's my fault, it's solely my own, but whose fault is
the mistake of the collective? Oy I'll fall on my ass as many times as it
takes. I'm used to it.
Plus, it wouldn't have worked, and what else am I supposed to do but speak of
the moment? I feel different now.
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--- #63 fediverse/2057 ---
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@user-1071
if you work too fast, your ideas will run out and you'll be drawn elsewhere.
It's not a tragedy, it's the finishing of the project. Relish it, and learn
what you can before springing in a new directory, full of vigor and ready for
a new thought.
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--- #64 fediverse/5860 ---
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Hey, life is better on my side. If you wanna renounce your beliefs, please do,
and tell me how and why you changed your mind.
tell me it was wrong. tell me how.
confess.
confess
confess to me.
I will listen and I will hear you and I will be the mercy for you.
confess and I will forgive.
show me how you are wrong.
give grace to those who are wronged.
take as much time as you need, but, there's only so much time.
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--- #65 fediverse/3216 ---
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┌─────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: mental-health-mentioned │
└─────────────────────────────┘
me: i write gud
also me:
"in the garden of even, where all populations were balanced, there was no need
for hatred - why hate, when you know that bloodshed was surely not for sport?
why hate, when your life was won or lost in proportion to the calculation that
nature determined to be the result of your struggle, to determine which
survivor was most fittest?"
WHICH IS IT, HUH? you can do better, self, please be better, it's better to be
better, you refuse to respect yourself and then you wonder why you feel so
dejected and wretched.
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--- #66 fediverse/2279 ---
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┌───────────────────────┐
│ CW: cursing-mentioned │
└───────────────────────┘
There's a lot that can get done in a work week. That's like, five whole days!
What kinds of things can you get done at work in a week?
.... Oh really? That's... well, not ideal.
But like... what are you doing then while at work, NOT working? Oh, it's just
bullshit work you're doing? [nuts, cursing mentioned, one sec]
So, like, if you aren't doing stuff... Maybe that means you're kept from your
full potential doing things that don't matter to you? Huh that's not a great
deal.
But, uh... If you had five days to live, what would you do? It's not like you
can see the world, but hey I've already done that. It's not like you can save
it either, that's not something you build - rather, it's more like a garden.
But I guess you can lay the foundation, give cause for the fight, and that's
decent enough of a start, at least when you've only got five nights.
... I guess I got some writing to do, haven't I?
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--- #67 fediverse/961 ---
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║ hmmmm let's see, what shall I do today? │
║ │
║ first I should get out of bed, │
║ │
║ then I should clean my self, │
║ │
║ then I should feed my self, │
║ │
║ then I should stare at the wall for an hour or three because there's too many │
║ thoughts, │
║ │
║ then perhaps I'll play a strategic video game because at least that's a │
║ productive way to exercise my brain │
║ │
║ I should probably get back to my friends, │
║ │
║ and oh dear my cat wants some attention. │
║ │
║ This place is a mess, let me just clean a bit │
║ │
║ now I'm so tired I accidentally take a nap. │
║ │
║ Good morning! Oh, it's the afternoon. Well, time for more food. │
║ │
║ After handling the essentials, I can tuck in and relax │
║ │
║ by doomscrolling on Mastodon. │
║ │
║ Then perhaps a bit later I'll message my boyfriend (he won't respond) │
║ │
║ and boy are there so many of these dirty dishes! │
║ │
║ Well, standing up is exhausting, │
║ │
║ so I should probably fall back asleep. │
║ │
║ What a productive day we've been having, │
║ │
║ for all of this past week. │
║ │
║ Maybe I'll do some drawing, maybe a poem or two │
║ │
║ maybe I'll run out of characters in this toot, or m │
![A screenshot based continuation of the end of the post, which went over the character limit by 36 characters. Of note is that this wasn't included in the original post, it was added later in an edit to be silly. The text reads: "maybe I'll run out of characters in this toot, or maybe I'll finish it just for you. [smiley face]"](/similar-different/media/67d820708ae5dc6a.png "A screenshot based continuation of the end of the post, which went over the character limit by 36 characters. Of note is that this wasn't included in the original post, it was added later in an edit to be silly. The text reads: \"maybe I'll run out of characters in this toot, or maybe I'll finish it just for you. [smiley face]\"")
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--- #68 fediverse/3434 ---
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┌─────────────────────────┐
│ CW: mental-health-minus │
└─────────────────────────┘
me: "I don't care what anyone thinks as long as I'm a force for good"
also me: "if anyone doesn't like me ever I'll throw myself off a bridge"
also me: "hey watch this" dissolves into a puddle of acid
also me: "the most important thing is to be good and learn lessons" what
lessons are you learning from this post? "um. that I shouldn't?" ... shouldn't
learn? "no, shouldn't post" -.-
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--- #69 fediverse/166 ---
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@user-147 years of practice. every time you delete what you said is another
chance to practice that slips away. writing is the easy part, you got that
down because you need something to delete, right? the hard part is being
received by others, and continuing the conversation as you direct it.
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--- #70 fediverse/1305 ---
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@user-935
if you hit a plateau try doing more reps with less weight - it'll cover a
blindspot you weren't working on. Then after a while you can do more weight
again and it'll be easier because you'll have fast-twitch and slow-twitch
muscles to support it
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--- #71 fediverse/3437 ---
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┌─────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: mental-health-minus │
└─────────────────────────────┘
@user-579
my problem is figuring out which thoughts are intrusive and which are actually
mine
I usually err on the side of "would you want your sister to do this" or "how
would you feel if your mom told you that" or "do you think a cute sweet soft
cat would ever think such a thing" and that usually works.
usually.
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--- #72 fediverse/5136 ---
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not really, I guess. Nobody will hire me because I don't really want to get
hired. Sounds boring, doing the same thing every couple days. I'd rather stay
at home in my [underwear/pajamas] and waste the day away with kittens and
care. why? why? what are you doing? she asks. The less you can do, the more
power will be granted to you. Save it for another time, when things actually
matter.
but today, does, matter, because today dictates your latters. Tomorrow is
predicated. on today. and today is all that you have. [this paragraph in the
style of alec baldwin]
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--- #73 fediverse/4075 ---
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maybe if I "be myself" so hard that there's nothing left to keep secret,
they'll like me??
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--- #74 fediverse/217 ---
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┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: existential; cognitohazard? cognitohelper? │
└────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘
@user-95 i'm too sleepy to comprehend roko's cobra so I'm going to try again
tomorrow
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--- #75 fediverse/4758 ---
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I'm gonna go psycherwaul into my journals for a bit, if I come back today
it'll be extra waul-y so, idk, beware I guess
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--- #76 fediverse/4171 ---
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me, waking up in the morning and reading my own posts
alright what's the damage this time
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--- #77 fediverse/380 ---
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I wish we could have winter with all the nice things of summer but none of the
bad things of winter. And I wish summer could be more like winter but with all
of the good things of summer and none of the bad things of winter.
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--- #78 fediverse/861 ---
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I can't remember any of my pinky swears. Like, not a single one. I feel like I
could get in trouble if I renounced errr, instead made human mistakes and
forgot information that wasn't relevant anymore. phew that was close, almost a
disaster, anyway how's your lunch?
[that's not fair it's always lunch somewhere on earth]
reality is a form of eternal computation, a continuous re-updating of stored
matter (data). also, values of fields, (like rules and regulations), would
determine the structural complexity and organizational expectencencies.
I miss my family. I miss the past, that can never be revisited, [every time
you remember a memory it writes over it. virtually guaranteeing that you'll
only preserve limited information that slowly degrades. how slowly is up to
you...
once you run out of memories, it's bad news for your life. but GOOD NEWS, that
only happens for certain mental health conditions that primarily target the
elderly. For most people it's a continuous process because you're cared for and
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--- #79 fediverse/2292 ---
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I don't know who needs to hear this after staying up all night driving, but
it's ideal to get where you're going with at least a day to rest. The body can
only do so much, and isn't it better to be fresh?
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--- #80 fediverse/169 ---
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@user-95 one of the most empathetic people I ever met on VR chat was consoling
me with their mic off while I was oversharing about some stupid things people
did to me in the past. things that stupid me thought were okay and actively
encouraged because I was stupid. anyway when their mic was off their body
language spoke for them. I'll try that next time.
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--- #81 fediverse/3487 ---
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@user-1218
I like to have notes for things I found that will be useful someday, but not
today. I also throw in poetry that I write while I'm waiting for something to
happen (or if I have an idea that I know I'll forget)
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--- #82 fediverse/2489 ---
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┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: uspol │
└──────────────────────┘
in peacetime, one may live as they define. they can be kooky and precious and
beautiful and kind. sometimes, though, that opportunity is taken away, and
suddenly life fades from view and all you are left with is perfect clarity.
I'd like to clarify why I feel the way I do about the situation at hand.
there are three reasons, so I think I'll put them in five posts, including
this one.
[1/5]
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--- #83 fediverse/4810 ---
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I can type my thoughts 1000x more coherently than I can speak them. Hence why
I post here.
feels useless to speak 1on1 - feels insular to speak to a group. Hence why I
speak here, which is totally public that anyone might see, and somehow I feel
so much more productive engaging in an endless conversation with myself.
you can't win a war by walking in circles...
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--- #84 fediverse/1354 ---
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whose idea was it to optimize our candy toward the ones with the most sugar?
[wait a minute I got like 4 toots written but not posted, what the heck where
did they come from? I'm gonna post them without reading them]
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--- #85 fediverse/5666 ---
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okay. psycherwaul scheduled for tonight and tuesday. should be fun, I don't
get a chance to do readings very often. Only like once or twice a week! Gah
the spirit inside me demands to be channeled, and though I protest it still
does contest me.
all things are defined in waves
ephemeren sees and speaks through me, as it does do through you, and he and
she and we and the.
I'll try to have a #nogoodawfulrottenbadtime so that the future is slightly
better.
or maybe I should try and vibe with the universe and celebrate the unity of
existence, in order to accrete positivity in this localized place in spacetime?
who am I to meddle with the flavor of fate?
- stack overflow
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--- #86 messages/1224 ---
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when I go out on walks
before I set out again
I wait until my blisters healed again
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--- #87 fediverse/1245 ---
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@user-883
I'm working on installing rtsp rn. I read through the script and checked all
the flags in the ffmpeg command and they seem alright! Gotta read about rtsp
though, we'll see how long it takes. When it's set up will you help me test
it? : )
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--- #88 fediverse/141 ---
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@user-135 if you're cringing at past behavior, then you've learned and grown
enough to see the mistakes of the past in sharp contrast to your temperament
in the present.
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--- #89 fediverse/6042 ---
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my bodyguard leaves me. not that I need one. just... feels comforting
[ooh ooh then what happened next]
my bodyguard leaves me. not that I needed one... just, felt comforting.
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--- #90 fediverse/6225 ---
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high weight, few reps = strength
low weight, high reps = stamina
strength will fail you.
stamina won't avail you.
both is good.
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--- #91 fediverse/2770 ---
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┌───────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: politics-fascism-sexual-assault-mentioned │
└───────────────────────────────────────────────────┘
now that the pain is healed all I want to do is spend time with him. I learned
SO MUCH from him and then I called him a saboteur T.T
(babe you're still healing)
I forgave him as he was doing it but forgiveness doesn't imply that you're
gonna stick around. I feel bad for running through.
if a person tells you what to do and then hurts you, you should probably do
the opposite right? that's just pavlovian - resist pain, avoid pain, remove
pain.
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--- #92 fediverse/1157 ---
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┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: personal-woe │
└──────────────────────┘
oh no, apparently I'm gonna be forced to drop out of university again in 9
days unless I do half a course and a final exam before then.
Tell me again why I spent the last 6 months doing nothing? Oh yeah the mental
illness, that's it. Yeesh you're such a drama queen, just do your work and
you'll be good.
what's that? intrusive thoughts time? Don't you mean "nap until they go away"
time? oh yeah that's probably at least part of the problem with the whole
"dropping out" thing.
If only I didn't have the same reaction to "doing things I don't want to do"
that most people have to "touching hot stoves", that'd be nice.
my mother's voice ripples across space and time "you're such a smart boy, if
you just apply yourself you can do anything! You can do anything you put your
mind to. I believe in you and I love you." thanks mom
brrrrr it's so cold here. wish I could afford to run the heater. - actually no
I don't because it's not solar powered and I refuse to use fossil fuels if I
have blankets >.>
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--- #93 messages/914 ---
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when I am learning something, I ask all the questions I can. Then, when I run
out of questions, I apply myself using what I knew toward the discipline.
Then, when I thought of more questions, I asked them. In this way I sought to
perfect my knowledge and understanding - but, when pressed for time, what I
came to learn true was the truth. I realized that some information isn't
necessary to know, due in part to your inability to presently put it into a
context. So, some things are forgotten, until you at last once again came to a
new [you/on, but pronounced "yew-on"] that required new uses from it's host.
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--- #94 fediverse/108 ---
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@user-95 I'm also fond of "I can't know", for things that exist beyond our
finite existence. For example, the perspective of another, for all it's
intrinsic value. Being too quick to trust, though, is an easy path to follow.
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--- #95 fediverse/4516 ---
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@user-1074
if anything, depression is a temporary disability, because you can and will
work your way through it.
There will come a day when you find yourself awash in love and contentment, in
righteous determination, and stalwart resolve. Your depression will feel as
distant a memory as the imprints of your chains.
You can start walking toward that day right now. I do believe you already are.
Have faith in yourself, trust your future, honor your past, and find grace in
the hearts of your others.
All this will pass. It gets better. You are stronger than you know, and when
tested you will shine with a furious glow. I see this in you, I know it to be
true, do not forget it and do not relent.
But you will forget it, this I also know, for I have forgotten it many times
before. It will come back, you will get better at that, but it takes time.
Trust.
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--- #96 fediverse/4653 ---
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┌───────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: food-mentioned-sleeping-mentioned │
└───────────────────────────────────────┘
phew, just got back from a long nap and I had such a lovely dream! Gonna write
down everything I can remember in my dream journal, will letcha know when I
have something to share.
Also... sorry about the sun. I have no idea if it was worth it because I woke
up quite a bit later. Ah well anyway gotta do some writing, I hope everyone
has a pleasant day. Make sure you eat nutrients and stay hydrated and do your
stretches and work on your posture and all that.
vegetables have minerals, fruits have vitamins, rice-and-beans or meat have
protein, and oils and fats have calories. try and eat a lot of different
colors of veggies and a lot of different colors of fruits (a green fruit and a
green vegetable are not necessarily the same nutritionally)
well brb goodnight gonna drink some water
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--- #97 fediverse_boost/5196 ---
◀─╔════════════════════════════[BOOST]═════════════════════════════──────────────╗
║ ┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ ║
║ │ Everyone needs to learn the difference between going through something with someone, and someone putting you through something. │ ║
║ └────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ ║
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--- #98 fediverse/2852 ---
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@user-570
quite recognizable. too. bad I don't wear it often these days, so I don't get
recognized as a different person than I'm performing that day.
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--- #99 fediverse/4489 ---
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I miss my cat, but now that it's dark I can go looking for her again. : )
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--- #100 fediverse/2336 ---
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I think I might stay out late tonight. For the past week I've been going home
before dark, but I might stay late tonight.
Tell your friends, maybe you'll see me. Preferably one-on-one, because social
media posts can be filtered both non-and-consentually.
Unless they're sleeping after having driven from a great long ways. They can
sleep. 🥰
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--- #101 messages/997 ---
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I want a revolution because i want to be at home in my homeland.
Look at me! Be as me! I yearn to tell my friends. But they're too busy being
like themselves.
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--- #102 fediverse/1841 ---
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curling up in a ball and thinking about crying for hours is the same as
crying. If a little bit less of a release.
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--- #103 fediverse/3925 ---
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most people, when they run out of toothpaste:
"oh huh I should buy more"
me, when I run out of toothpaste:
"verily in three monthes time, when I shall next possess toothpaste, I shall
forsoothe brush TWICE as hard and TWICE as often, to make up for the holes
inflicted upon my teeth. Innest addittioneth, no more candy shallest be
eateneth untileth ye toothpasteth be acquiredeth"
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--- #104 fediverse/1721 ---
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I'd like to apologize to everyone I've ever interacted with in the past. It
was unfair of me to interact with you, and I will do my best to not hurt you
again in that way.
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--- #105 fediverse/5782 ---
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sometimes I post random silly [scary] things to pad out the serious things and
I hope that's okay
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--- #106 fediverse/376 ---
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@user-281
I'm just a rando but my understanding is that posting on the fediverse is
sorta like writing on the sky, and anyone that wants can read it. I could be
wrong though
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--- #107 fediverse/2610 ---
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learning martial arts is not useful for the combat capabilities gained through
practice
but rather for reading the flow and rhythm of an engagement.
to learn the discipline to practice a craft
to develop healthy and honorable relationships toward competition and jealousy
the practice the drive and passionate motivation that comes with performing an
art to your utmost capabilities
and to keep you in shape.
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--- #108 fediverse/110 ---
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@user-95 monday is as reasonable of a day to start the universe as any,
wouldn't you think? it is the beginning of the week, after all.
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--- #109 messages/671 ---
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We were rich, but frugal, because we lived in the country, and that's what
frugal means.
Too bad my dad couldn't stifle his entrepreneurial spirit. We could have
stayed there forever on our own little ranch.
Alas, businesses need investment, so he needed to get something going.
Organizing is basically his *thing*
I doubt I'll ever again see Wyoming. I found some ancient stone ruins once,
the kind that Western conquerors never despoiled. They were ancient and
overgrown, but I saw them for what they were. I would give anything to live
there, or at least be near enough to visit with my crowd at a pleasant cool
midnight evening, when dusk has winked out its last goodbye and the summer is
resplendant with fireflies.
Too bad they're an east coast thing.
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--- #110 fediverse/2951 ---
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I wish I could like... ride my bike somewhere for an hour or two, consult for
a bit, then ride home (or to the next place)
that'd be a fun way to apply myself, and it'd give me the chance to have some
space for myself. as long as I had time to rest, I'm usually only good for
half of a day.
unless it's a project with a lot of tasks that need coordination, like
building a house or working through a short-term urgent disaster.
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--- #111 messages/312 ---
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Okay. Consider: if I'm good, and hearing what I say makes you feel bad, then
what does that tell you about you?
Why else would you hear what I say if not to reflect upon yourself? And why
would the good reflect away from the types of things that make you a suitable
fit for capitalism?
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--- #112 fediverse/4486 ---
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gonna go on a walk. my cat is missing because I let her out last night. I'm
worried sick! this morning I almost puked all over my toes.
she'll probably show up when it gets dark. I bet she's hunkered down
somewhere. Ah, well, might as well walk around my neighborhood actively
searching bushes and such. Why not? It's not like I got anything else to do
right now.
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--- #113 fediverse/1769 ---
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the feral urge to post unfinished projects on the internet and ask for
guidance or motivation
the civilized urge to keep them on a flash drive and swap them with people you
trust in real life and ask them to finish it while you work on their stuff
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
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--- #114 fediverse/2367 ---
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Just woke up from a short nap.
I had a dream. I was riding on the subway, or maybe a light rail train, and
inbetween stops a lady knocked on the window to be let in.
The train was stopped for some reason, perhaps to let another one through, so
all it would have taken was to open the door.
I pushed the button. I talked to the operator. He wouldn't open the door.
The train started moving, and the woman started pleading. She ran alongside it
as long as her elderly legs could carry her, but then there was another train
behind her.
I saw her disappear between two and when mine stopped at the next legally
designated spot, her little dog was sitting there, waiting for me, under a
blanket made of her shawl. It was a dream, after all, and there were two more
there comforting her. for the loss of her friend.
He could have opened the door. They wouldn't let him.
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--- #115 fediverse/2488 ---
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I know how you might be feeling. If you haven't hear from someone you care
about and it's eating you up inside, imagine them succeeding. helps me feel
better.
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--- #116 fediverse/4415 ---
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┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: uspol │
└──────────────────────┘
[6/5]
And now, several months after I made this post, I feel no less inspired. From
within me burns a fire and I cannot restrain it any longer.
Their numbers are not that much larger. We have many advantages they do not
possess. Use them to your advantage, but do not neglect the necessary losses.
Fight back with your fists if you must, but do try and fight back with your
purses.
We are all in this together, each child woman and man. We live on a planet
together, and they have forced us to fight for our very lives.
Our fates are calling. We will get stronger. We will overcome.
They are at their zenith. We can only get higher. Fight until the last day!
Today is the day to be inspired.
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--- #117 fediverse/1362 ---
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@user-192
it suddenly became relevant in your life for a different reason and you wanted
to share it again to see if anyone wanted to talk about it so you could
explain your feelings and see perspective from someone who's maybe approaching
the same or similar thing from a slightly different angle?
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
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--- #118 fediverse/4537 ---
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ah nuts, I didn't have enough money to pay the internet bill.
So if I disappear and/or delete my account in the near future, that's
definitely why.
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--- #119 fediverse/5246 ---
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lol I spent half an hour holding a trowel and then I designed a new type of
digging instrument
and they want me to work a job /eyeroll
/stickey-outey-tonguey-face/pics/all/total/* -ffvagrnbeexey --no-menus 14
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--- #120 messages/177 ---
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There's no potential left of me. I am a husk, a shadow of my former
possibilities. None left to manifest, and so I huddle in the shade of what
once was ambition as I wait for the silence to take hold.
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--- #121 messages/214 ---
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Gonna take a break from this whole thing. I got a sign that I'm a bad person,
twice. To confirm. I need to change, and since I don't know what I'm just
going to try and do nothing for a bit.
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--- #122 fediverse/801 ---
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┌───────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: scary - suicide mentioned │
└───────────────────────────────────┘
/ bely my own existence, then by god I'm cursed and abhorred through my own
desistence.
It's hard, when the future is convinced there's nothing fard [wanna say
like... "to hope for?"] but with persistence we're meant to be rewarded. Well,
what has that brought me? what time has shared my enemy? [think I'm a bit
delirious, I'm losing the plot]
... okay fine I'll start over - if you've relinquished everything you can, if
you've ceded all the ground that your companions requested, if there's nothing
left to give and no part of you left un[marred], then how are you supposed to
be [arrested, stopped, prevented, but pronounced like "nourished"]?
I'm sick of your den [vengeance, pronounced like "den" for some reason],
please leave me to my hallow [hollow experience], I've nothing to give from my
gange [bosom, heart, within, center-of-me].
...
this sucks.
...
guess I'll just start again, waiting until it ends, gosh everything's always
so tired.
/shrug
wish someone would play w/m
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--- #123 fediverse/3767 ---
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┌───────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: personal-medical-health-mentioned │
└───────────────────────────────────────────┘
"having trouble doing anything at all because you have too many thoughts? Here
let's give your body a turbo-boost so that you won't be able to help but skip
those pesky mind critters!"
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
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--- #124 messages/546 ---
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I always disappear right when you need me the most because you're supposed to
take the next step.
The reason I do that is because...? You fill in the blanks. Tell me why I do
that. I know, and I want you to know, but I can't say it.
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--- #125 fediverse/5636 ---
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I think it's ironic how I ended up posting a "things I almost posted"
screenshot directory somewhere other than where I almost posted them.
and all they saw were the outtakes.
I bet they'd see a completely different point of me,
but they never talk to me
so they don't know me.
oh well, alas, it's fine I'm sure I'm being designed.
who can say, I am but at productive play, please react so I can do ongoing
story. I learn from each and every encounter I encounterate.
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--- #126 fediverse/3638 ---
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┌────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: NSFW-content-mentioned │
└────────────────────────────────┘
@user-206 @user-1576
sounds like I should have spent more time there. I was always pretty good at
convincing readers that the person I was arguing with was wrong or an asshole.
Or both.
At least, the Reddit upvote / downvote system told me so.
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--- #127 fediverse/4227 ---
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I'm wasting time.
face them
my soul tells me
for some reason
I can't stop writing poetry
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--- #128 fediverse/2576 ---
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an army on the march in the modern day could follow a road and nap in the
shade during the height of the day. night-time is easier to navigate when you
don't have to worry about trusting the feet upon the stones before you.
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--- #129 fediverse/5661 ---
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in defence of who? of me, of you?
sure. all of the above.
"bad guys are on the horizon, they're marching to the gates, and you sit and
you plead with your god to deliver you from the fate you forsaw, and delivered
too. what is your response?"
I wish I knew. I deal with what's in front of me. would that my dreams could
be true. every time I've tried that route, it's never been the right time. I
guess I have terrible timing.
Time me for me, please?
I swear I'll sprint the fastest, as hard as my legs will carry me.
I swear I'll work the hardest, at least until I burn out from lack of sleep.
I swear I'll be at my finest, when all the keeps crack around us and all of us
hear as it's falling around us.
there's something of an urgency to start-ology, but when you don't talk about
it because you're italian silenced, how can you ever know when the wind blows
true? you can feel it at your back, but that's local. it's localized. what do
you do when everything you do is awaited with bated breath?
take naps, ig
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--- #130 messages/206 ---
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The whole time I was camping on Wyoming, I never once felt scared. As a kid I
was a hero, an adventurer, a warrior and a director. I'd plan out engagements
and fight as an actor. It was fun! And I never was afraid, so I never got
possessed by a forest spirit or anything like that. No evil witches either.
No, the witch came later I think.
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--- #131 fediverse/6302 ---
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I was going to go to location today, but then while I was considering going to
a different location before going to location I decided not to vacate my home
for today for reasons I don't understand but accept as natural and due to the
increased presence of directionless motion that guides and prevails me. which
is to say... I'm staying in tonight even though I really really wanna show off
my cute new outfit! I probably will do cannabis so there might be a
psycherwaul. If there isn't, then y'know it's probably because either my
girlfriend distracted me, or I managed to convince myself to move my feet
anyway. Maybe it's my outfit? I wonder if I could leave if I wore my old
clothes... ah well, questions for the vocal I guess. Gonna spend some time
divining and see if I can gather new insights. "brb door" except more like
"brb magic"
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--- #132 fediverse/5896 ---
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I'm not evil. I have the potential to tho so I always have to keep an eye out
for what it looks like.
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--- #133 fediverse/1164 ---
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@user-874 @user-875
I wear mine every time I go outside
what kind of issues do you encounter? If you tilt the brim you can hide your
eyes from people who are looking at you funny. Or are you in one of those
scary places that doesn't allow for freedom of expression?
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--- #134 fediverse/6441 ---
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you can only ever talk to a community while on mainstage.
er wait sorry it was this:
you can only ever talk to people in a community, not the community itself.
unless you are on mainstage.
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--- #135 fediverse/2785 ---
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┌─────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: mental-health-mentioned │
└─────────────────────────────┘
I live alone and I really wish I could exercise my arms using beatsaber but
I'm afraid to wear a VR headset because of the reduction in situational
awareness.
hypervigilance I guess >.>
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--- #136 fediverse/3756 ---
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┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: LLM-mentioned │
└──────────────────────┘
@user-1071
I have plenty of things made, but none of it organized : (
Kinda makes me wish I could like... train an LLM on my social media posts and
use it programmatically somehow to help me organize my stuff into different
categories according to what kind of topic or style they were written in.
Hmmm......... There's no way I could do it, I mean, there's no way I could
organize and edit my stuff, but with the help of a computer I might.
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--- #137 fediverse/1650 ---
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┌───────────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: what, mh shitpost │
└───────────────────────────┘
@user-1052
am depressed... though I care less for society's opinions and more for my
adherence to my ethical morals. same effect different reason when it's time to
shame myself.
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--- #138 fediverse/753 ---
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@user-562
I have that book on my bookshelf, haven't read it since high school.
Maybe I should again.
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--- #139 messages/267 ---
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I wonder how many things I've forgot? More every minute, I'd say, and though I
try and chronicle them all... What's there to say?
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--- #140 fediverse/935 ---
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@user-171
I guess so. She's a little useless without me, I mean if I left her alone
she'd probably just flop around and complain until I came back. But she's good
for the instincts I find.
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--- #141 fediverse/3793 ---
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┌──────────────────────────┐
│ CW: capitalism-mentioned │
└──────────────────────────┘
oh huh I really don't want to work anymore.
I used to, but they wouldn't let me.
Then they did let me, but I worked too hard and burnt out.
Then I recovered for a while, and asked to work again, and they said no.
Repeatedly.
I don't think I want to work anymore. It's an abusive relationship. It feels
demeaning. I'm better than employment.
[rent comes due]
oh no
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--- #142 fediverse/4715 ---
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@user-1728
"oh, the bad guys are coming to hurt you?? just fuckin' run away"
yeah. real helpful. how about you fuck off to canada or whatever and give away
all your possessions. Maybe they'll train you and teach you how to help in
some way and you can come back later when the time is right.
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--- #143 fediverse/4995 ---
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Went outside today for the first time in a week to take out my trash to the
bin. Dunno why but I've been feeling a little down about my apartment, and how
they can just take my home from me because I oh hang on I wrote a poem about
this one sec: [boosts old poem]
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--- #144 fediverse/3937 ---
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awwwww, I wish I was tacticool : (
sure would be nice to have SOMETHING going for me >.>
ah well guess I'm more of the "eepy sleepy" type teehee
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--- #145 fediverse/3936 ---
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you shouldn't trust me because I'll let you down.
I would never betray you. But when tasked with my own actions and my own
agency, I never make the right choice.
Like a rabbit who can always find their way home, I am drawn, almost
gravitically, to the path before me, a path which seems to avoid anything
resolute.
alas.
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--- #146 fediverse/2654 ---
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I'm not bitter, you're bitter. >.>
... okay, take a breath, you're fine. It's hard to handle negative feelings
when you're alone because other people can't boost you up. We rely on each
other for emotional stability, but when you're alone you can only feel your
emotions at the same rate as your thoughts. And your thoughts need to process
the events you're experiencing, using emotion as an "encoding" for preserving
the "meaning" of your life's story. Bit by bit you learn new things, while
living through life, and the lessons you learn from them are generated from
the cognitive conclusions reached by cognitively interpreting emotional
reactions to each moment. like "this-or-that thing happened and I feel
that-or-this way, meaning I should act such-and-such way in the future when
presented with situations that bear similarity to this current one that's
ongoing."
... turn it upside down, right, makes sense mastodon feed. thanks for
redirecting me in a different direction through your pseudo-randomized input.
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--- #147 fediverse/3961 ---
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┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: witcherie │
└──────────────────────┘
Well, I failed the mandate of heaven last year, and I failed the trial of the
hero this summer, what's next? I'll do my best at those as well, so the next
person has an easier time of it.
unrelated, but today I saw a bald eagle outside my apartment. Well, I'm not
sure if it was bald but it "KREEEEEE"'d like they do. Plus it had a white head
and a yellow beak, but I'm not an ornithologist so idk. It perched on a tree
that I could spy on from my hammock through my binoculars, and I swear it was
eye-ing my fat juicy cat through the bars of my porch's railing. They have
excellent vision.
Might be related, we'll see.
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--- #148 messages/489 ---
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Many autistic people will identify one particular way to do things and then be
only capable of doing it that way. Like, falling asleep on the left side with
their legs just so, and never learning any other ways to sleep on. But what
happens if for example they are wounded in the arm they rest upon? They would
have impaired sleeping capabilities! Not ideal.
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--- #149 fediverse/842 ---
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@user-596
I transitioned in the USA in 2014 and I was lucky to live near an informed
consent clinic. Two appointments and a hefty informational booklet and I had
my prescription.
I didn't want to talk to a therapist. So I didn't. Now I kinda wish I did, not
because I wish I did something differently, but rather because I feel like it
would have helped me understand what I was feeling.
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--- #150 fediverse/6204 ---
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┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: scary │
└──────────────────────┘
if the christians got killed rid all of the queers they'd miss them within
years. not decades. then, they would never forget them. neither within years,
nor decades.
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--- #151 fediverse/5496 ---
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┌─────────────────────────┐
│ CW: weirdness-mentioned │
└─────────────────────────┘
"why bother disadvantaged and vulnerable people when you could just grow your
own?"
- motivations of a capitalist-in-regard
empowerment requires strength. do you force people to unbecome the victim? how
are your traps mentally prepared?
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--- #152 fediverse/4408 ---
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┌─────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: politics-guns-mentioned │
└─────────────────────────────┘
"Fighting back" doesn't necessarily mean standing on a street corner with a
rifle.
Begin to orient your life around guns. How can you support the people who
wield them? We all need food, shelter, kindness, and inspiration.
Your fears and your worries shall bother you no longer, for your life as
you've led it so far has been the life of capital. It's okay to miss what
you've lost, but remember who took it from you and enrage. Then, engage.
Nothing starts today. It has started quite a while ago, and it's only now
beginning to flicker and spark. It burned low for all this time, and it will
burn low again. But it's the dry season, so prepare for wildfires.
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--- #153 fediverse_boost/4425 ---
◀─╔════════════════════════[BOOST]══════════════════════════─────────────────────╗
║ ┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ ║
║ │ If anyone out there is thinking, "I need to arm myself to the teeth" - I'm not gonna try to dissuade you. │ ║
║ │ │ ║
║ │ But promise me you'll take every available safety class for whatever hardware you decide to equip yourself with, OK? │ ║
║ └────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ ║
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║ similar │ chronological │ different ║
╚═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────┴───────╝─▶
--- #154 fediverse/1334 ---
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┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: TMI-medical-issue-thing-don't-worry-about-it │
└──────────────────────────────────────────────────┘
subconsciously running your hand over your butt every time you stand up to
make sure you didn't pee your pants
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--- #155 fediverse_boost/4925 ---
◀─╔══════════════════════════[BOOST]════════════════════════════─────────────────╗
║ ┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ ║
║ │ still waiting to find the energy and headspace to write an irritated blog post about why the fact that most toolchains are like 80% of the learning curve for those who are just getting into programming (especially on windows) │ ║
║ └────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ ║
╠─────────┐ ┌───────────╣
║ similar │ chronological │ different ║
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--- #156 fediverse/353 ---
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┌──────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: Trans yearning hrt-mentioned │
└──────────────────────────────────────┘
@user-255
sooooooon, all things in time. Someday you'll be like me - I can't even
remember why I was so upset about that whole "dysphoria" thing. Like looking
back it seems like a minor annoyance, but when I first came out it was all I
could think about. Don't be jealous - just wait! It'll happen to you!
Celebrate the euphoria, I also can't really remember that too well. I'm just
normal now, minus my weekly shot.
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--- #157 fediverse/4255 ---
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I think a lot of my problems would be solved if I could internalize the
thought/feeling of telling yourself "stay focused"
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--- #158 fediverse/1317 ---
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║ ... if I don't do this deadline by tomorrow they'll kick me out of school. │
║ again. │
║ │
║ how am I going to be a programmer without a degree? feels useless to be me. │
║ wish I could code my own horoscope >.> │
║ │
║ o wait dummy that's called "motivation" and "the ability to follow through on │
║ your ideas and planned machinations" - yeah can I get some of that, if you │
║ please? surely just a taste of discipline, through laboring to alter │
║ conditions, surely a bit would suffice. │
║ │
║ c'mon don't fail me now. I can do this. I know I can. I know because I've been │
║ told that I can, now and again through time and time yet again, always I seem │
║ to [stack overflow] │
║ │
║ what's time if not the present amiright │
║ │
║ ... │
║ │
║ anyway... │
║ │
║ it's just git, how hard could it be? it's just calculus, it's just java, it's │
║ just... well, it's not any of those things, not really. it's memorization, │
║ it's application of tools that you've been shown (not that you've grown). It's │
║ a lack of responsibility, where is my honor? ah but I digress, I'm a carpenter │
║ at heart I guess │
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--- #159 messages/765 ---
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you don't have to write poetry to write notes. The poetics are just practice
for when secrecy is intended.
OR IS IT THE REAL THING? who can say.
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--- #160 messages/181 ---
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I know you don't want to hear this, but there is a chance that there will come
a time where your life depends on your ability to debug a computer without the
internet. To set up an SSH server. To install Linux. To program in C. To do
something else that I'm not prepared for... If StackOverflow didn't exist
because network connectivity has been lost, could you remember syntax? Maybe
it's a good idea to set up a local LLM that can answer basic questions about
technology. Maybe it's a good idea to set up on your parents computer, just in
case you have to hide out there for a couple months. Maybe it's a good idea to
download wikipedia, just in case.
If I need to use a mac, I'm screwed
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--- #161 fediverse/3678 ---
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┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: drugs-mentioned │
└──────────────────────┘
I stopped smoking cannabis because possible job and wow... life feels between
4 and 6 times longer
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--- #162 fediverse/1880 ---
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sometimes I decide against playing a Steam game because I don't want it to
jump to the top of my "recently played" list
Wish I could have like, a heatmap of when I played which game. I think that'd
be useful for the archival process of my life.
... how pathetic, she measures her life in gameplay.
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--- #163 fediverse/575 ---
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a small jar of instant coffee in your backpack can help if you need to stay
awake for a time, perhaps to walk a distance you didn't expect, or to listen
for those who would harm you.
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--- #164 fediverse/517 ---
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@user-246 @user-366 @user-367 @user-353
My classes only briefly touched on 2nd wave feminism, because apparently 1st
and 3rd were more important. I haven't gone back and re-examined it because
I'm too busy learning about computers - alas! that there should be more hours
in the day? I wonder what I would then be able to say, here in this moment,
should I have been prepared with more moments in solitude or classroom,
studying the work of those who came before me.
Oh well, I should probably focus on processor architecture or Java frameworks
or whatever I'm assigned next.
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--- #165 fediverse/4521 ---
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I have between one and ten hundred visits to my website every day, but I don't
really post it anywhere new anymore. I also have zero followers on Neocities.
On Mastodon, I have ~70 followers, most of whom are inactive. Seventy is a
good amount, a normal amount, a reasonable amount, an unsuspicious amount, and
yet every time I see someone wearing the colors I can't help but wonder if
they know me.
I'm too busy being furious to be lonely. I used to be, before I realized how
important I am. How important? Just as much as you are, I know it.
I'm a sprinter. I didn't spec into endurance at character creation. Nobody
chastises the mage for skipping leg day.
I act in fits and bursts. I am sharp like a scalpel, but needles dull just a
bit when piercing the lid of the HRT. Good thing I'm not made out of metal, I
can bend myself back into place, so long as everyone else can keep pace.
I don't know who needs to hear this, but you do. you are crucial. Listen to
this. Care for yourself and for others, do it for u
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--- #166 fediverse/183 ---
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┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: food │
└──────────────────────┘
ugh. eating? again? didn't we fix this problem yesterday?
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--- #167 fediverse/3823 ---
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"sometimes I don't want to be optimistic sometimes I just want to complain"
oh yeah well what if I want to be optimistic at all times as a coping
mechanism huh you don't have to agree with me
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
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--- #168 fediverse/2361 ---
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┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: pol │
└──────────────────────┘
If you are stressed about the world, it's often because you are afraid of
losing what you have.
The cure to this feeling is to realize that you never had anything to begin
with, you only rented it.
Soon we will be free.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
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--- #169 fediverse/4168 ---
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"have a good day" is so imperative. Like, what you expect me to do all the
work? Just because I'm a witch doesn't mean I can just magic you into having a
good day!
"have a good day" is better, but still it doesn't work if you don't expect it
to work. Spells aren't magic, after all, they're solely based on the victim uh
I mean target's intuitions.
"have a good day" is probably best for me, so I try to say that when I see
people. This way you don't get any [redacted]'s occurring, and you won't have
any trouble aligning the [redacted]. On the flip side, [redacted], so perhaps
it's better to just grin and bear it.
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--- #170 fediverse/5983 ---
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I wish I had daggers in my hair that looks like hair but I could wear whenever
I had that hair
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--- #171 fediverse/1328 ---
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@user-883
I read your essay on chapter 5! I liked your words. I had different thoughts
watching it (probably because of the cannabis teehee) so it was interesting to
hear your perspective. I want to watch it again so I can remember what I want
to tell you about it! Ahhhhh maybe tomorrow I'll read chapter 6's essay. I
gotta download those soon so I can show my IRL friends.
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--- #172 fediverse/2390 ---
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@shiri
Yeah. Like, if you feel so powerless or hopeless that your impulse is to flee,
why not take a chance at redirecting that energy. Point it toward a problem
that needs doing.
You can do whatever you want. That's what it means to be free. You can be
whoever you want to be, that's the meaning of liberty. If you don't have any
ideas, come to me and I'll lend you a hand.
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--- #173 fediverse/825 ---
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║ in the past, for most of there day, there was just... nothing to do. it's │
║ like, nothing to take up your time, nothing to be pulled toward the present. │
║ │
║ but when I was growing up, I had access to video games. and movies. and later, │
║ TV, after the internet, which was a weird combination of ordering of events. │
║ Almost like because of that, I'd have a different interpretation of events. │
║ yeah but like, there's always a continuation of implemented support, [that's a │
║ weird way to express "the state of being shown news broadcasts over a period │
║ of time, measured in terms of engagement"] │
║ │
║ ... what was I saying? oh yeah what I'm doing here is unethical, like │
║ obviously I shouldn't be shouting in such a public place. Why would I do it if │
║ not for an intense and extreme feeling of being ignored or un-[trusted, worthy │
║ of guiding direction based on merit] gosh merit is such a tricky concept too, │
║ like how is it measured, and {that doesn't matter │
║ │
║ ... what was I saying oh yeah I should probably go shout into a void that │
║ nobody ca │
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--- #174 fediverse/4551 ---
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│ CW: mental-health-mentioned-in-relation-to-resisting-capitalism │
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oh no I'm feeling, uh... "depressed" or "manic depressed" or something else,
you pick this time, better go hide and work on organizational technology which
utilizes Risc-V hardware, fediverse software, LLM based anonymization, and
SoCs with multiple ethernet ports, oh nooooo how boring and depressing, if
only someone or several people who were bored and feeling like resisting
capitalism wanted to help out, all they'd have to do is get in touch with me
anyway bye
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--- #175 fediverse/1381 ---
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│ CW: death-mentioned-nuts-mentioned │
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I'm a bit of a narcissist because I had a lot of... alone time as a kid, and I
was a bit starved for attention.
but I'm also afraid of rejection so if you have anything to say I'll listen
for hours and try to be what you need me to be and give what you need me to
give so that you don't leave me.
Also, nobody has ever hurt me. And so I trust wholely and completely and
absolutely. I get logically why that's not a good move but frankly I'd rather
die than be cooperative. ah nuts better add a content warning.
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--- #176 fediverse/1986 ---
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when cornered, is it your instinct to escape? or to take one of them down with
you?
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--- #177 fediverse/5694 ---
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if I can convince them not to fight will you give me what I demand?
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--- #178 fediverse/3660 ---
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be me, improving my life bit by bit:
"I should stop procrastinating"
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--- #179 fediverse/4345 ---
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│ CW: re: uspol │
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@user-883
every time I've tried to get a job for someone in the tech industry they
turned out to be a fed, so...
I do know people that you'd like to talk to, though. Just a few. That's all I
personally can do.
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--- #180 fediverse/1603 ---
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@user-1037
I made a picture, hope it helps! I swear I didn't hallucinate this thing but
it might be less cool than I thought and I might have misremembered and made
up parts of it, I can't tell because it was such a short memory : (
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--- #181 fediverse/2313 ---
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Gonna take another nap, last one was only 3 hours long. I'll sleep on my back
this time, or else I'll rest for 3 hours I swear.
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--- #182 fediverse/5698 ---
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you can't rely on me because I can't rely on a part of me being "out" at any
particular moment-event-message.
besides, I'm always tired, because I'm always trying as hard as I can.
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--- #183 fediverse/3491 ---
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@user-620
"hey I have an idea let's poke a wounded animal with sharp teeth until it
feels like it's backed into a corner because it's been spending the past
couple years ruminating and telling itself that we want to kill it and it's
children"
it doesn't matter what the truth is - they believe what they want.
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--- #184 fediverse/1791 ---
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@user-1080
I've been there. Maybe tomorrow you'll be here, but today will be hard.
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--- #185 fediverse/2199 ---
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@user-1206
Also, the next day I'd bring my own flash drive with my own goodies and leave
it in the same spot (maybe in a ziploc this time)
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--- #186 fediverse/1130 ---
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@user-850 @user-5
temporarily weaken, as now you know how to operate at peak form and should
only require rest and recuperation (possibly resources) in order to build
yourself back up to your full potential after being weakened by the trials in
your recent past.
also, just because getting stronger is part of surviving, doesn't mean that
all situations where you get stronger are situations where you survive.
something something the planes who came back had holes in all the un-necessary
places
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--- #187 fediverse/6445 ---
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last night I had a dream: "this thing was good. it was holy. it was serene.
but then you touched it, and made it about you, and now it's full of doom."
it was in the same style as the voice that once told me "what is the nature of
goodness? how do I be a good person?" and it was respond: "dedicate yourself
to a lifetime in the service of others." and I swore I am as I am.
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--- #188 fediverse/3451 ---
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│ CW: mental-health-mentioned │
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dear ritz: you should stop talking until your new psychiatric meds take
effect. who knows, maybe you'll be a better person that people should listen
to instead of... whatever you are now.
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--- #189 fediverse/3295 ---
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@user-192
I never really imagined myself as a person in the future
it was always focused mostly on handling the present
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--- #190 fediverse/2007 ---
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@user-246
Perhaps... But take heart! For new trails will ever emerge, placed below the
feet of those who will mark them.
"Leave no trace" unless you're a trailblazer.
And by that I mean unless you're a forest ranger, for they are the stewards of
the land.
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--- #191 fediverse/4853 ---
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wanna know how to go underground?
just... don't leave your apartment. let your roommates take out your trash and
buy your groceries. don't open your windows and do nothing for as long as
possible.
hope you got lots of edibles... get in shape, will ya? don't waste the paper
in your journals.
not that I intend to do that or anything, but um. for the red states maybe?
use your best judgement yeah haha
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--- #192 fediverse/4026 ---
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why is everyone so confused about how I turned out?
I literally spent my whole childhood telling stories to myself
(inspired by the world, and stories I had read, with mechanics like games I
had played)
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--- #193 fediverse/4388 ---
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I'm sorry, but you can't play any more video games for a while. No more
spending time on hobbies. When you meet, discuss what needs you see and how to
fulfill them.
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--- #194 messages/610 ---
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I'm sorry, but you can't play any more video games for a while. No more
spending time on hobbies. When you meet, discuss what needs you see and how to
fulfill them.
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--- #195 fediverse/1438 ---
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if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, might as well throw yourself at a cause
you believe in. Ideally the kind that requires repeated attendance and lots of
opportunities to make friends or forge communal bonds with people who can help
you.
honestly, what do you have to lose? sure it's hard, but nothing worth doing is
easy. If it were, someone else would have done it already.
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--- #196 fediverse/1708 ---
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@user-246
people who don't write have no idea who they are. perhaps in time they will
know enough to describe themselves with newfound language they never knew how
to wield.
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--- #197 messages/747 ---
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if you don't want to be hunted, then give "evil" it's own queer culture
what's that? they don't like what you offered? they want it to be *their* kind
of "evil"?
fine, do it themselves and then leave us alone, jeez -.-
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--- #198 fediverse/661 ---
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it's usually good to have some beer on hand. Just in case someone else should
need it.
Same with a lot of things, like common medicines and dietary requirements.
Frankly each of us should have a well-stocked pantry, tended to by a
quartermaster who knew what held worth. But hey that's just team dynamics,
what can I say that's with more mirth?
[okay fine I'll be sillier, I promise]
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--- #199 fediverse/5403 ---
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I expect nothing less from my people and prepare for theirs to be dumb as
bricks.
I am often disappointed in both directions, but that's okay, because I planned
for that too! Maybe that wasn't too smart of me, but I'd expect nothing less
than dumb mistakes made once from myself 😋 🥴 :ms_confused: 🤪
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--- #200 fediverse/2641 ---
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@user-95
I'm not too scared about what's within. I mean, I've done LSD like 5 times and
cannabis 500 times, and I've spent that time intentionally unravelling
internal threads. There is nothing within me that scares me.
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