=== ANCHOR POEM ===
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┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: weirdly-cursed-alternate-history-timeline-projected-into-the-future-kinda-like-starship-troopers │
└──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘
"it's the strangest crime scene we've ever seen, apparently their solar panels
were stolen while they were on vacation? and get this, we tracked them using
their built-in-tracking devices and they got sent to some country in the
desert-jungle."
"yeah turns out they all get shipped there before their tracking devices are
disabled. How weird, right? shouldn't we investigate that?"
"oh right well the weird thing is the department that said they were handling
it said it was \"taken out of their hands\", whatever that means."
"haha right so anyway like comment and subscribe to my channel, see ya next
time on \"mysterious unsolved crimes in the past 200 years\""
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=== SIMILARITY RANKED ===
--- #1 messages/1161 ---
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"hey kid, if you don't tell us where you saw that car go, we'll deport your
mother."
- some ice guy somewhere probably
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--- #2 fediverse/4837 ---
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║ ┌─────────────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: secret-agents-mentioned │ │
║ └─────────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ a corporation can hire secret agents too y'know, they don't have to even │
║ really tell anyone they're doing it just... talk to one of their employees who │
║ seems good for it and then transfer them to a different part of the building. │
║ │
║ "what would you do with a secret agent?" │
║ │
║ "with a *team* of secret agents." │
║ │
║ "oh. good point. Okay what are they for?" │
║ │
║ "oh y'know, just normal cool-guy stuff that regular joes do in their time off" │
║ │
║ "wait, you pay them not to work?" │
║ │
║ "no, we pay them to lounge. Build connections. Develop social networks." │
║ │
║ "what if people don't want to be social? What if they only end up talking to │
║ each other?" │
║ │
║ "ha well that's the trick then, isn't it? Is it a trap or is it a truce? who │
║ can say. Just gotta feel it out as you go, I GUESS." │
║ │
║ "so, anyone who does what you say becomes suspicious? And anyone who doesn't │
║ is suspected by those who listen to you? What are you, a doomsday prophet?" │
║ │
║ ... fuck, I hope not. │
║ │
║ "you better figure it out shithead that almost doomed six real │
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║ similar ║ chronological │ different │
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--- #3 fediverse/4162 ---
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║ ┌────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: violence-mentioned-politics-alluded-to │ │
║ └────────────────────────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ "you can't kill me because nothing I say is wrong" │
║ │
║ ... actually I kinda just think you look weird, and thats super important to │
║ me for some reason. Also your voice is annoying and I think you're lazy │
║ because I saw someone who kinda looks like you sitting down looking at their │
║ phone this one time. │
║ │
║ But hey pal if you wanna help out, can you stand a bit to the left so I have a │
║ clearer shot of your head and also so the bullet doesn't pass through and hit │
║ *property* behind you? Don't want to damage anything *important* after all. │
║ │
║ "gee I sure wish we had a well regulated militia or something" │
║ │
║ ah well the past is the past, and since this is in a potential near future, I │
║ think the past also includes the present, and in the present there's always │
║ time to do things about people like me. │
║ │
║ "do something? heavens no, I'm a pacifist by nature" │
║ │
║ well, me too! I pacify things like you as a hobby. Can't make trouble if │
║ you're in the ground, and knowing me, you'd be lucky to be buried. │
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║ similar ║ chronological │ different │
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--- #4 fediverse/5623 ---
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don't talk to anyone because anyone could be a cop
and you don't talk to cops
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│ similar │ chronological │ different │
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--- #5 fediverse/5870 ---
image.png
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┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: scary-probably-not-cursed-I-think-sex-mentioned-politics-mentioned-other-things-gestured-at-but-not-mentioned-explicitely │
└──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘
every timestamp is a note left behind saying "I was here at this time at this
location"
alibis go both ways
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--- #6 fediverse/3265 ---
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┌──────────────────────────┐
│ CW: 4head-also-...-what? │
└──────────────────────────┘
they wanted image generators so they could fabricate evidence, doh
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--- #7 fediverse/5674 ---
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when every crime is a framing, they win
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--- #8 fediverse/5374 ---
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@user-138
me neither... guess it's in-person for me.
[a mysterious "they" then proceeds to set up microphones everywhere I might go]
ah nuts why are all these people carrying phones around
[they already know who I am, and I don't really want to be someone else, so]
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--- #9 fediverse/2565 ---
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┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: water-dispersal │
└──────────────────────┘
truck driver who has a long-ish range drone ferrying water bottles back and
forth while invisible to satellite surveillance
EDIT: better yet, kids playing games at home
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--- #10 fediverse/3315 ---
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*she thinks she doesn't have any friends because she smells bad*
*but the truth is she's lonely because she's a secret agent sent by the
government through her dreams to spy on the aliens who think she's jesus by
posting their conversations on a public message board*
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--- #11 messages/1310 ---
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if you live far enough away, they can build a telescope of arbitrary
magnification. the sky is vast, there's birds and bugs about. huh what's that
over there, a thing that was placed there just for me
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--- #12 fediverse/2967 ---
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@user-138
"here's how to get caught. don't... don't do the things in these books. also,
uh... don't do the things that AREN'T in these books, wink"
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--- #13 notes/meth-lab ---
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when someone acts like they "know something", they usually just know about
like... a meth lab or something. very few of them know about government
secrets.
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--- #14 fediverse/2112 ---
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cops think we're gullible, just saying
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--- #15 fediverse/2308 ---
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"yeah it was a big nothingburger. All those post-it's in the park turned out
to just be a prank or something. Weird right?"
heh deception is my middle name
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--- #16 fediverse/2548 ---
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║ ┌──────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: uspol │ │
║ └──────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ "I don't believe you" │
║ │
║ sure. yeah, fine, whatever. we'll be off your land once we're on the other │
║ side. │
║ │
║ "I'm actually not a rancher, I'm a ranger. I'm here with the US national │
║ guard, we've been sent to talk you down" │
║ │
║ um, hey so would you like a 15 minute summary of how the US military is fucked │
║ up, both for it's veterans, it's strategic goals, it's colossal waste of │
║ resources, or...? │
║ │
║ "hi I'm actually one of the suburban dads from back west we uh finished │
║ training what should we do now" │
║ │
║ no you dummy you're supposed to head straight east, not meet up with the │
║ spearhead. │
║ │
║ "yeah uh I'm actually an east coast commando operative, I've been sent to │
║ learn your ways" │
║ │
║ wait you mean you weren't planning and executing some similar plan this whole │
║ time? │
║ │
║ "um I'm a cartographer, I'm wondering what to call the border-less land" │
║ │
║ oh that's easy, it's america, and it's land, and we refuse to divide it. │
║ │
║ It's the Undivisible Lands of America, or ULA which sounds a lot like USA so │
║ we can use the same chants for it ha │
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║ similar ║ chronological │ different │
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--- #17 fediverse/2992 ---
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uh-oh, psycherwaul incoming. 'guess that's what happens when [insert events of
recent life]
== so ==
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--- #18 messages/736 ---
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Sheriff is good cop
Police is bad cop
Unless other cultures want a different name
Like idk what it's like in Houston or Chicago or whatever
Does anyone even know anyone from tallahasee?
Oh and then there's Alaska
They've got their whole solar thing going on (no tariffs means china trades
with the land of wind and snow -> renewables in a place where its painful
to go outside
Then we can all chill out in the hot springs or infinite roller coasters
whatever the heck we thought was the best
Anyway them Ameri-CANs sure are doin' their thinkin'
They'll come around any day now
Surely they will
They capital M Must do so
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--- #19 fediverse/5484 ---
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most importantly and perhaps most daringly, they need *volunteers*
"hello, how can I help?"
"oh uh sure can you do my laundry"
[next time]
"yeah uh hi good to see you again, listen I was working on a project and I
really needed a gizmonotron, ever heard of it? yeah so I need one in 17
megahamp-hertz, which I think are the yellow ones. Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay well if
you have a conversation with someone over on 14th street, they might bring it
up in conversation - I told them to talk about them all afternoon. Yeah.
Uh-huh. Then have - yeah, the phone. Gotcha. Okay well that should leave a
sufficient breadcrumbtrail, yeah and uh - make a note - yeah make a note for
next montheekend and - yeah, okay you got it. Make sure it says "fire" because
they're waterproof so a boating accident wouldn't... yeah you get it. Okay
anyway I gotta jet I got some thermo-regulating-decouplers to unwind. Okay
yeah say hi to your cat or whatever. Okay bye."
... girl, you know most of them have head injuries?
"oh, no those are the
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--- #20 fediverse/4157 ---
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┌────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: politics-vaguely-mentioned │
└────────────────────────────────┘
best response to a deepfaked sex tape
"ugh, why are you asking me about that? You can make videos about anyone,
doing anything these days. You're looking at a robot wearing my face, it has
nothing to do with me. Can you ask me a policy question, please?"
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--- #21 fediverse/3953 ---
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"*she just... didn't even try to hide it. She was so matter of fact about it.*"
*eh, well, you know, we have the internet now. So everything's normalized.*
"*I guess but it still felt strange.*"
yeah, she's in her own social media bubble which is entirely separate from
yours. So to her, it's normal, but to you it seems shocking.
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--- #22 messages/1368 ---
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"hello, welcome to earth, you may fly your spaceships here so long as you make
them look like planes and make the same noises and emit the same radio
frequencies which are always changing and that we'll help you determine
dynamically, please enjoy your stay according to our quite permissive rules"
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
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--- #23 fediverse/4105 ---
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@user-192
it's in space, duh
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--- #24 messages/269 ---
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"good afternoon, ma'am, my name is [redacted], and I'm just a person, I'm not
with anyone or anything.
I'm going to all the houses on this street and knocking on their doors and
asking them two questions - you don't have to answer if you don't want.
The first is "do you know any of your neighbors" and the second is would you
like to meet them?"
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
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--- #25 fediverse/2662 ---
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┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: scary │
└──────────────────────┘
the reason rent is so expensive is because of all the surveillance equipment
they need to pay for and upkeep
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
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--- #26 fediverse/5375 ---
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┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: police-mentioned-psy-ops-mentioned-human-waste-mentioned-which-is-a-nice-way-to-say-feces-ew-gross-who-put-that-on-my-timeline-guards-arrest-these-men-they're-criminals-of-the-law-against-pooping-my-pants │
└──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘
what if we ~~psyopped the copps~~ um I mean what if we ~~flash-mobbed the
cops~~ er wait hang on what if we ~~marched with signs and changed what was on
their minds~~ uhhhh that won't work it's disabled so they say ~~wait hang on
who said you could~~ poop your pants ~~this is a combat scenario there's no
time for fooling around in her pants with the hand~~
... wait, what was I going on about?
oh yeah,
-- stack overflow --
anyway, as I was saying, [something completely unrelated]
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--- #27 fediverse/6156 ---
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kicking up a sandstorm.
"someone once told me to act suspicious as fuck while doing nothing illegal
and I took it to heart"
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
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--- #28 fediverse/1978 ---
image.png
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┌─────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: fascism-nazis-mentioned │
└─────────────────────────────────┘
@user-1074
that's kinda how police are supposed to operate, btw.
put them in dangerous places, and if anyone starts getting angry or aggressive
then draw your firearm before them and attempt to calm things down. If that
doesn't work, start shooting and run, so you can tell others of what's going
on. Oh also you should leave a trail of your actions so others can audit it
and see exactly what you were doing at which time. But alas, cops are bogged
down in paperwork, so much stuff that needs doing. If only we assigned them
secretaries, and treated them like... managers, rather than individual
contributors. Perhaps then they, being the collective applicator of the
commonly considered ethical good, (laws), then perhaps they might be able to
direct other people (who do the paperwork) to handle certain aspects of an
investigation, and in doing so better reveal the truth.
because the rich and powerful LOVE to hide things behind impossible amounts of
proof.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
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--- #29 fediverse/5091 ---
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┌─────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: swords-mentioned-but-hidden-daggers-not │
└─────────────────────────────────────────────┘
"officer, my weapon is not concealed, therefore it does not break the statues
and limitations of this place."
"officer, my weapon is not concealed so you know it's there just in-case you
need to use it."
"I'm holding it on my belt for a bit while walking to the location"
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
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--- #30 fediverse/2839 ---
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┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: yelling-scary │
└──────────────────────┘
@user-1209 @user-1074
something like this happening should be met with immediate disbarment for
everyone working there.
like... how do you not notice
... also... 617 bodies, huh? wonder how long they've been adding to that. I
WONDER HOW LONG THEY'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT. HOW MANY MONTHS.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
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--- #31 fediverse/4781 ---
╔══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────┐
║ "wahhhh I wanna play a video game, wahhh I want to do cannabis and make poetry │
║ that doesn't convey secret messages, wahhh wahh I miss my kitty, I hope she's │
║ okay in that one safehouse with all fourteen other cats and their cat-moms, │
║ wahhhhhhh where's my binky it's one of the last things I have from my old │
║ life, boohoo I can't find my shoes, guess someone else fit them and needed │
║ replacements" │
║ │
║ being a spy fucking sucks I don't wanna do that. Gimme something to do on my │
║ home turf or fuck off. │
║ │
║ what's that? you live in a safe place? okay then here analyze these documents │
║ and see if there's anything we can use. Here's a problem involving │
║ biochemistry spend the next couple months figuring it out by learning │
║ biochemistry from scratch. Hey can you help set up this workshop machinery, we │
║ need mechanically minded people to turn it into a drone factory. Hey there's │
║ this idea going around for adult babies armed with swords and demon masks, │
║ apparently it really fucks with the middle-aged. They waste time before │
║ shooting │
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║ similar ║ chronological │ different │
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--- #32 fediverse/5312 ---
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oh it looks like it's about "time-o-clock", when people in charge decide that
the internet should be de-anonymized, and all the users are like "ew gross"
because then they'd know that all of their neighbors are perverts
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
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--- #33 fediverse/3913 ---
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┌───────────────────────┐
│ CW: alcohol-mentioned │
└───────────────────────┘
"uhhhh, I dunno she's drunk or something"
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|