=== ANCHOR POEM ===
══════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────
@user-1631
for most of my life... [okay still do]... but it felt like I had different
moods, and depending on how I felt at the time I would act differently.
I forget the things that happen when I'm in a different mood, but I've gotten
to a point where I can generally force myself to stay a certain "mood" while
in certain contexts, and in doing so I can remember everything.
downside is I get burnt out pretty easily if I'm always the same. It's not
ideal.
... anyway if you talk about what you experience then your friends can point
you toward people who "get" you.
like, my parts don't have names, we don't have a group chat or whatever, it's
just... me, but different shades of me.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════════════────────────────┴───────────┘
=== SIMILARITY RANKED ===
--- #1 notes/my-people ---
══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─
I have never met one of my people.
we never talk. we just don't.
I have no idea what they might want from me,
so I just do as they won't. And as I want.
the result is... borderline catastrophe, but
missing, only just.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╧═══════════┘
--- #2 fediverse/4737 ---
╔══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────┐
║ I'm such a direct person I think, even though I often just sorta... shrug and │
║ ignore things that bother or hurt me? Like, whatevs. │
║ │
║ but the moment I notice a pattern that is continually harmful I have to │
║ restrain myself from moving to contest it. Hence why I talk about capitalism │
║ so much teehee, but its also common in my interpersonal and communal lives. │
║ │
║ "the purpose of the system is it's effects" │
║ │
║ the purpose of a person is how they make people feel │
║ │
║ so if someone FOR A RANDOM EXAMPLE FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER, constantly hurts │
║ other people by creating situations where they are harmed which creates a │
║ dramatic fight... or if someone speaks in circles for hours and hours and │
║ HOURS like this guy: │
║ │
║ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwKpj2ISQAc │
║ │
║ or people who jump into a conversation and drive it through the underbrush, │
║ over the ridge, around the bend, up and over the bridge, and then park it │
║ outside their ex girlfriend's house and hands you an egg and says "don't you │
║ wanna throw this?" and you're like "weren't we talking about birds" │
╠═════════╗ ┌───────────┤
║ similar ║ chronological │ different │
╚═════════╩═══════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────┴───────────┘
--- #3 fediverse/4562 ---
════════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────
I like being alone. But if I'm alone for too long, I suffocate. I start acting
like a weird nerd who doesn't know what to do with their hands.
If I spend too much time with people, I get exhausted and I can't think
straight. I start using other people's mannerisms instead of my own.
I'm not an introvert, or an extrovert, I think the dichotomy is stupid and
people have completely separate needs that deplete and recharge at their own
rates.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────┴───────────┘
--- #4 fediverse/2855 ---
══════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────────
I refuse to be known by anyone who doesn't *know* me. But I'm always meeting
people anew, so if they spent some time with me and saw more of my facets,
perhaps they might come to know me.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════════────────────────────┴───────────┘
--- #5 fediverse/5698 ---
══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────
you can't rely on me because I can't rely on a part of me being "out" at any
particular moment-event-message.
besides, I'm always tired, because I'm always trying as hard as I can.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════────┴───────────┘
--- #6 fediverse/4526 ---
═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────
┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: mental-health │
└──────────────────────┘
most people get intrusive thoughts like "punch that baby" or "drink some
gasoline"
my intrusive thoughts are like "who is she" and "we need you" and "lead us"
and "their strength is imagined" and stuff like that
gosh I don't know how ya'll handle it I'd be dead in a ditch if I was
neurotypical.
... *intrusive thoughts are not typical*
ah. Right. Nevermind then.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────┴───────────┘
--- #7 fediverse/3318 ---
═══════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────────
@user-570
low-drama... or normal drama? people who are prone to histrionics can be
exhausting, and it's often exhausting for them as well. Drama and excitement
is what gets them through the day, while most people are driven by something
more inertial or instinctual or goal-focused.
you don't have to be on all the time. if you're tired, then rest! if you're
hungry, then eat! if you're thirsty, then drink! if you're lonely, then speak,
if you're sad, then cry, if you see some friends at a party, then dance like
tomorrow you might die. That's how I like to be, and I think it's a decent way
to be.
it can be prone to dramatics though... YMMV
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────┴───────────┘
--- #8 fediverse/6236 ---
═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────
I legitimately think everyone in my life is just as cool as me
they just... don't know how to know it.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╧───────────┘
--- #9 fediverse/2949 ---
══════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────────
┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: personal │
└──────────────────────┘
I'm an *actor*, of course I play different roles with different faces. But
just as one faces behind two mask, so too does my voice come from the same
mouth.
well, that's not true, I speak in many different places. different sets, same
actor, perhaps character.
really though the main throughline of all of my treasured expressions is I'm
basically a manic-pixie-dream-girl-programmer-witch who wears diapers and
prays to her own god. it's like... a lot of things in one.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════════────────────────────┴───────────┘
--- #10 fediverse/1801 ---
═════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────────
people call me "hypervigilant" as if being constantly aware is not a normal
state for them.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧══════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────┴───────────┘
--- #11 fediverse/3534 ---
image.png
════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────
@user-1547
this is how I often think about the gender presentation spectrum
(independent of gender expression and gender identity)
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────┴───────────┘
--- #12 fediverse/4483 ---
═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────
instead of reading the room, I try to be the room. I think that's part of
being autistic.
But it also helps things get going.
Whenever I see a subpost that might relate to me, I take it seriously, so feel
free to boost things that you know I'll read if you'd like to speak to me.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────┴───────────┘
--- #13 fediverse/1401 ---
╔════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────────────┐
║ some people are the memory kind of autistic, where they know everything about │
║ a thing and it's the coolest thing │
║ │
║ I'm more like... the optimizing autistic, where everything has to be perfect. │
║ and if it's not perfect, then you should change it. and if you can't change │
║ it, then you should tell someone else to change it. and if nobody can change │
║ it, then you should consider it part of the context / starting variable and │
║ then just say "okay" and treat it like it's normal and something you should │
║ use to inform the rest of your optimization actions / decisions. │
║ │
║ other people are other kinds of autistic that's not a comprehensive │
║ classification system. But I mention the first kind explicitly so I can │
║ contrast it with my experience, which is implied to be [impulsively?] │
║ different in the kind portrayed in the following contrastion, where I mention │
║ how I'm autistic and don't get "irony" or "sarcasm" that people on the │
║ internet seem to revel in in a way that makes me feel isolated and anyway │
║ optimization is great becaus │
╠═════════╗ ┌───────────┤
║ similar ║ chronological │ different │
╚═════════╩═════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────┴───────────┘
--- #14 fediverse/3786 ---
════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────
┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: personal │
└──────────────────────┘
turns out I'm too much of a neurotic cinnamon roll to be a cool stand-offish
empath
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────┴───────────┘
--- #15 fediverse/1568 ---
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────────────┐
║ people don't like relying on others. it somehow feels more... personal, than │
║ institutional. and some people just wanna focus on themselves. hence why a │
║ solid structure is required. │
║ │
║ but oh dang on the other end there's these more fluid individuals, who can │
║ dance as whoever they're on. like, performers, who play different roles. │
║ different characters in video games they play, or perhaps their own expressed │
║ forms. in any case, we are all learning our way through each moment, which is │
║ why thinking is always our norm. │
║ │
║ it feels good to use your body. like, "hey check out me, I am performing" and │
║ then at the end you think to yourself "I appreciated that. it was fun. I liked │
║ being myself at my utmost of performed." and people call it DPT or "Deranged │
║ Person Tisorder" which... yeah is not a flattering nickname. but hey a │
║ nickname is a nickname, which is also a nick name hmmmmm │
║ │
║ people are pretty quick to forget people they didn't see on facebook. like, │
║ high school classes kinda move on, usually, except closest of fr │
╠═════════╗ ┌───────────┤
║ similar ║ chronological │ different │
╚═════════╩══════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────┴───────────┘
--- #16 fediverse/1280 ---
╔════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────────────────┐
║ I'm like the opposite of a politician. I'm crude and filthy, apsolutely │
║ reprehensible on main, kinda scary tbh? and overall just a strange and weird │
║ person. Also I talk about cooking a lot, with a very plain diet (carrots and │
║ rice and sticks and mud, because I'm an autistic) │
║ │
║ but ask anyone who knows me and I'm the kindest person. I am empathetic, I │
║ think about others needs before thinking of my own. I am steadfast and │
║ dedicated to solving the problem in front of our noses. At least, the ones we │
║ share. │
║ │
║ People tell me I'm binary, that I'm "either 100% or zero percent" and I don't │
║ really get that either. Isn't it a good thing to try your hardest? Isn't it │
║ good to be improving and honest and ethical and driven and focused? │
║ │
║ I also talk about strange things a lot, like gravity and multidimensional │
║ arrays and grand narratives and emotional kinesthesia or strategic plays in │
║ Overwatch or how to bake a good cookie or ways we still mourn us. │
║ │
║ ... where was I going with this? Also part of me is distracted. Just who th │
╠═════════╗ ┌───────────┤
║ similar ║ chronological │ different │
╚═════════╩═════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────┴───────────┘
--- #17 fediverse/5732 ---
══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────
I am often disorganized.
my effort is spent elsewhere.
but I am good at organizing!
when I find the time or place.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════────┴───────────┘
--- #18 fediverse/1381 ---
════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────────────
┌────────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: death-mentioned-nuts-mentioned │
└────────────────────────────────────┘
I'm a bit of a narcissist because I had a lot of... alone time as a kid, and I
was a bit starved for attention.
but I'm also afraid of rejection so if you have anything to say I'll listen
for hours and try to be what you need me to be and give what you need me to
give so that you don't leave me.
Also, nobody has ever hurt me. And so I trust wholely and completely and
absolutely. I get logically why that's not a good move but frankly I'd rather
die than be cooperative. ah nuts better add a content warning.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────┴───────────┘
--- #19 fediverse/1332 ---
════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────────────
@user-803
ah I see. like, hiding their emotions from others and acting in such a way
that is disconnected from their inner tumultuous truth? Like, a form of
deception. That makes sense to me, if I understand correctly.
I think you're also saying it's additionally with the idea that their masked
actions use other people to generate responses that they want. I think I see
what you mean.
"I don't care if you're fine, I need you to be sad with me" that kinda thing
right?
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────┴───────────┘
--- #20 messages/1186 ---
══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────
I am amazed, frankly, that my life has always managed to get different. feels
almost like change is an inevitable constant thing. I personally prefer when
changes are intentionalized, rather than weather.
"the thing I crave most of all is stability. tranquility. ever-loving peace."
- some guy with long hair
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╧═══────────┘
--- #21 messages/1462 ---
════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────
"I'm not autistic, I'm just a different kind of person than you."
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╧═════──────┘
--- #22 notes/my-main-problem-with-it ---
══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─
the main problem I have is that I can't tell when something is a psyop
so I usually just... glide past
please, give me real emotion! real meaning! no such thing says the pessimist,
it's all around you says the optimist
it's all around you says the pessimist
well aren't you a downer says the optimist
changing the subject means you can't win says the pessimist
the problem changed to your bad attitude when you kept talking says the
optimist
I want to change says the pessimist
You are changing says the optimist
...
okay... I'll have faith or whatever... "I'll be here when you need me and also
the doorbell's broken because sometimes it electrocutes me"
if you can't get someone who even tangentially knows me to invite me, then I'm
probably not going. Sometimes I show up on my own when nobody's there. Also
sometimes when I'm invited for some reason I can't go? Like... whatever...
... killin' time I guess. /shrug
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╧═══════════┘
--- #23 fediverse/4026 ---
══════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────
why is everyone so confused about how I turned out?
I literally spent my whole childhood telling stories to myself
(inspired by the world, and stories I had read, with mechanics like games I
had played)
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════════════────────────────┴───────────┘
--- #24 fediverse/3058 ---
═══════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────────
@user-1441 @user-670 @user-113
currently toe-ing the boundary between "too neurodivergent to function" and
"can juuuuust barely take care of themselves" and they ask me to get a job...
no thanks, guess I'll die
(in 3-4 months when my savings run out)
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────┴───────────┘
--- #25 fediverse/4665 ---
══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────
┌───────────────────────┐
│ CW: cursing-mentioned │
└───────────────────────┘
literally all it takes to activate me is for someone who's more radical than
me to point me out and say "hey. you. you need to do more." and then I fuckin'
go, like a beyblade (emphasis on blade) nicking the shins of allies and...
probably foes, right? there's foes around here, right? I'm not just nicking my
allies, right?
... right?
anyway every top winds down and then I collapse and wail for a bit because I'm
just like that I guess. Don't mind me, just self-immolating my way through
history, let's see how it goes...
*you're supposed to be inspiring, but you just sound like you're whining*
ah. right. well... lemme catch up on sleep debt and I'll get back to
valorizing.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════────────────┴───────────┘
--- #26 fediverse/3295 ---
═══════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────────
@user-192
I never really imagined myself as a person in the future
it was always focused mostly on handling the present
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────┴───────────┘
--- #27 messages/925 ---
══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────
but also, somehow, the coolest, kindest person you know.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════────┴───────────┘
--- #28 fediverse/1010 ---
═══════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────────────────
I'm done trying to be neurotypical. So what if I starve.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────┴───────────┘
--- #29 fediverse/1331 ---
════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────────────
@user-803
if someone does not consent to helping you bear their emotional burdens, but
you insist anyway... that seems to be the narcissism you mentioned
if someone *does* consent, then they're helping a friend. Or they're being a
therapist for them.
sometimes we can't help but be overcome by emotions. In those moments I find
it's usually best to retreat to a safe space and hide out for a bit until the
storm passes, then maybe return to the world a bit more fatigued but less...
spicy.
those moments show that you need more emotional support, both from yourself
and from others. If the people in your life cannot help you, and you cannot
help yourself... then yeah you're probably gonna hurt people around you. Plan
as such and figure out how to still be a good person, it's up to each of us to
do it in our own way.
... at least, that's how I look at it for my own life, feel free to disagree
or anything
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═════════════════════════════════──────────────────────────┴───────────┘
--- #30 fediverse/4075 ---
══════════════════════════════════════════════════════─────────────────────────────
*maybe if I "be myself" so hard that there's nothing left to keep secret,
they'll like me??*
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═══════════════════════════════════════════────────────────┴───────────┘
--- #31 fediverse/3220 ---
═══════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────────
┌──────────────────────┐
│ CW: mental-health │
└──────────────────────┘
"I'm not depressed~!" I say as I exist
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────┴───────────┘
--- #32 fediverse/3741 ---
════════════════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────────────────
you can only be yourself once, and it happens while you're alive.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧═════════════════════════════════════════──────────────────┴───────────┘
--- #33 fediverse/3077 ---
═══════════════════════════════════════════════════────────────────────────────────
@user-246
If I didn't stop searching for a place with people like me, I'd be searching
until the day I die. And besides, I wouldn't want to be in a place like that
anyway. I am defined by my contrasts.
... I'm thinking back to my memories of when I arrived here. It was a much
different place, and I was... a little too loud, I think.
┌─────────┐ ┌───────────┐
│ similar │ chronological │ different │
╘═════════╧════════════════════════════════════════───────────────────┴───────────┘
|