=== ANCHOR POEM ===
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║ │ CW: drugs-mentioned │ │
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║ │
║ │
║ since I quit cannabis like, a month ago or whatever, my artistic output has │
║ dropped by ~90% │
║ │
║ my house is a little cleaner, but I still feel consistent spikes of negative │
║ emotions. │
║ │
║ I still have trouble with all the same things I used to, like buying │
║ groceries, filling hormone prescriptions (seriously why is it EVERY month │
║ jeezzz) and working on productive projects │
║ │
║ I still spend hours staring at the wall begging myself to do anything else, │
║ like a prisoner in my own form │
║ │
║ I still feel like all the delusional thinking is still around (kinda hard to │
║ tell haha who would have thought) but I'm seriously missing the *magical* │
║ thinking, which was basically the same only it was fun and silly and positive. │
║ Now there's only negativity. │
║ │
║ I'm still hyper-critical of myself and others, I still make myself and others │
║ feel like shit, and I'm still a bad person who believes all the right things │
║ but still can't seem to make a positive impact in people's lives. │
║ │
║ I'm so tired of failing -> learned helplessness T.T │
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=== SIMILARITY RANKED ===
--- #1 notes/wish-I-could ---
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god I wish I could just... Make art. Instead its always gotta have some sort
of message or something. I want to make people feel ways they might normally
not. I want to show them beautiful dreams and visions. I want to light their
way. Instead its like...
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--- #2 messages/1492 ---
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I haven't been doing weed lately, which is why I haven't been posting as much.
I want to be in a good position mentally to, idk, get a job or something? I
swore I wouldn't, but I also swore to protect my art, and they don't want me
here. What else can I do? I can't live with my parents or my sisters. I can't
live with any of my exes. I can't live with randos who support me because,
well, I'm doing that now, and they don't want me. Where would I even find
people like that? I walk around Portland and I see people who are hardened.
This makes sense to me. But I am soft, by design. I am soft so that they may
be hard, and though I long to join them I cannot, for I must get stoned and
write. I swore an oath. Yet somehow getting a job is the same thing? Like,
it's pretty hard for me to get a job. Easy to work, hard to be employed. Can't
do weed because it requires my full attention, yet I need to in order to build
the foundations of a new faith. So the question is, do I work and get my own
place, but not do weed and instead just write when I can (not as much), or do
I try and power through where I'm at and trust that they won't poison me or
kick me out? I think... I need to wait. I need to not do weed for now. So, I
am going to work. But it won't be for someone else. How can I make money doing
work, when it's my own work? If I could sell everything I made, I would have a
fortune. I could bankroll a revolution if they paid a fair price. But selling
it is the hard part... (I say that without pride or hubris - I legitimately
believe that I have created a Great Work, and am continuing to add to it) so?
How do I get my own place? The house I live in is free to me, I legitimately
do love my girlfriend who I live with, but I am still in a tenuous position. I
want to be alone so I can... Well, it's hard to take care of myself. I want to
be alone so I can... Well, it's hard to be lonesome. I want to be alone so I
can... Well, it's hard to get out of bed when you're going right to the
computer.
Maybe I don't want to be alone. Maybe I want to live in a house that loves me.
The one that I'm in is haunted by a spirit that doesn't like it when I
masturbate, which is... Okay. What if I ended all my poems like this?
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--- #3 messages/1553 ---
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I have so many dreams I'd like to achieve but I don't think I'll get around to
any of them for financial reasons.
guess I'll smoke some weed instead.
please, somebody save me, liberate me from capitalism
[isn't that supposed to be you? a savior, a prophet, a princess, a benevolent,
a girl, in descending order]
all things are defined in waves. Do not resist, you are being rescued.
"~but only for lack of trying."
please please oh please let me succeed, I yearn for the serenity of confident
triumph
[does weed help with that? you have enough stoned art to last a lifetime or
three.]
I want to make more because I don't know how else to apply myself. Nothing
else seems to stick. Nothing seems worthwhile. But art? I can make that and
put it on my hard drive and let it rest for all time, ready and waiting for
someone to come along and say "hey I think you're pretty neat, can you show me
everything you've ever made?"
I yearn for the chance to say "no, because there's too much of it, and
explaining it would be annoying so just gaze at it's splendor if you please"
... are these excuses? I sincerely have no idea how to apply myself better.
Nothing seems to work. Do I continue pushing myself to be something I'm not?
Do I relax into my form and become content?
... no, I am not content. I was ambitious for a time, where did that go? up in
smoke, I suppose. but... IT CAME FROM THE SMOKE? So, no, I don't get it
either. JUST WAIT screams half of me, PLEASE LEAVE screams the other half, and
no, there's no way to slay this type of ubiquity. Nor the uncertainty. Relax,
stop trying to understand fate, and let the wind guide you. "the wind wants me
to do things that I have no capacity for" oh, you mean like abandoning your
material possessions and walking the path of the savior? OF COURSE IT WANTS
THAT FROM YOU. What else is there?
what else? my stuff I guess. I am an animist, do I abandon my things, objects
as they are, when I've told them I'd uphold them? They are precious to me, I
think you'll see, and I want them to be held by who best holds them. Me, I
guess? That's not a very good guess. It might be correct, but it's the easiest
guess I could have made.
... weed, I guess. [sigh]
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--- #4 messages/277 ---
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I wish I could be the me that I am on cannabis without being inebriated by the
drug. She's so much more powerful than the rest of me, but it's impossible for
her to keep her head on straight unless she has people guiding her.
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--- #5 fediverse/3763 ---
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I think I'm a better writer when I'm sorta consistently taking the meds I was
using to self-medicate...
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--- #6 notes/hated-or-beloved ---
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they either want to hang me or forget about me, nothing inbetween
I get it...
I feel so twisted inside
"be patient" I tell myself "good things will come"
"fucking do something" they tell me "I told you so"
three things that are holding me back, my three sins:
1. video games
2. masturbation
3. cannabis
three things that get me out of bed:
1. video games
2. masturbation
3. cannabis
meh. masturbation's lost it's fun. video games will always be there. weed is...
...
essential
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--- #7 fediverse/3865 ---
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@user-1218
oh, also, because I started taking some psychiatric medication to help with
the aforementioned delusional thinking or whatever. Honestly I think I just
believe in spiritual things like witchcraft and the human spirit or whatever,
but since I'm having difficulties doing basic things my doctors decided to
medicate me.
... but then I stopped taking those psychiatric drugs because they made me
feel numb and dense. It was hard to think. Thinking's all I do!!
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--- #8 fediverse/1650 ---
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│ CW: re: what, mh shitpost │
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@user-1052
am depressed... though I care less for society's opinions and more for my
adherence to my ethical morals. same effect different reason when it's time to
shame myself.
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--- #9 messages/215 ---
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Nobody tells me they like my artwork. No one! So why do I keep making it?
What's wrong with me?
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--- #10 fediverse/4654 ---
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gonna quit drugs for a bit, gotta recover from a recent haste spell that I
cast. Probably a bit earlier than intended I should add. Next time I'll
definitely say "keep this in your back pocket" instead of "hey here's a haste
spell for no reason at all" like what the heck were you even thinking, powers
that be?? [that guide me??]
who has power over you? If someone bears responsibility but not fault for a
mental illness, then surely those who are set to a task bear responsibility
for it's completion if not for it's ideation. Ah, who can say, maybe me from a
year ago might have some thoughts but I sorta ground them into the dirt until
I couldn't walk.
[girl what are you even talking about go to sleep] yeah yeah okay
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--- #11 fediverse/5744 ---
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don't wanna rush ya'll but every day that goes by they remove
"enemy-of-my-enemy"s from the equation.
oh, hang on you're just a cute computer nerd. Nevermind, go back to
programming or writing fanfiction or sleeping like a cute cat! Thanks for
letting me *CORRUPT YOUR SPACE AND VIOLATE YOUR BOUNDARIES OF CONTENTMENT AND
EMOTIONAL SAFETY* whoa sorry dunno where that came from I, uh, think I need to
do evil every time I make something important? It's like, a cosmic balance
kind of thing. I notice that after I write a banger poem or something I always
end up doing something *evil* afterwards like snapping at my girlfriend or
letting someone down or even just accidentally breaking one of my things. why
why why does it have to be that way? why why why am I so confusing of the way
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--- #12 fediverse/3793 ---
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oh huh I really don't want to work anymore.
I used to, but they wouldn't let me.
Then they did let me, but I worked too hard and burnt out.
Then I recovered for a while, and asked to work again, and they said no.
Repeatedly.
I don't think I want to work anymore. It's an abusive relationship. It feels
demeaning. I'm better than employment.
[rent comes due]
oh no
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--- #13 fediverse/373 ---
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@user-278
I can't do weed in public places. I need to be alone so that I can properly
use the altered mental state to be weird on the internet.
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--- #14 messages/1541 ---
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why the hell am I hanging out with these people who haven't even read my
website
the measures I would go to do avoid syncophants...
yet I am still miserable somehow. SOMEHOW.
and even though I am in misery, I am also somehow... fine? Like, my life is
good. I don't cry often. Everything is nice. All I have are good things,
nothing here is bad.
yet still I am unable to contain myself. I am uncertain, I have no idea what
to do next. I want to make moves, I want to act - but I have no idea what I
would do, even though I know how to do things.
"things"
yeah... right...
I guess I'll smoke more weed. Anesthetize myself. I can't stop posting things
on the internet that "rock the boat"
but maybe there's a snake in the boat, and I want to dump everyone and
everything to the bottom of the river because... I dunno. Why am I rocking?
There's no snake, well, if there are snakes, that's because it's a world-sized
boat, and the world contains snakes. I think for the most part the evilness
done in the world is due to contrivances, rather than ill intent - people want
to hurt their peers, so they put them in situations that cause them to weaken
their power and support. If you are forced to do evil, is that evil? If you
are forced to lie, is that a true lie or is it someone else speaking through
your throat? Are children exempt from morality because their parents raised
them wrong? If we're all learning every day, does that mean we are all
children, trying to get through the day so we can go home and play?
I don't know what I want. I don't think I want anything at all. I wanted
liberation for all peoples, but the more I've learned about various shadow
organizations and such, the less I believe that the world is even capable of
being saved. I don't think they want to hurt people, I think they're just
people like you and me. But I also think there's no end to the fear they can
evoke, and so I am against them. I was with them, I truly was, as an ally
might be, because they were the only ones capable of resisting my enemies.
Now... I don't know. Maybe I should just anesthetize myself until a new day
dawns, maybe then someone will come along and say "hello comrade, we've read
your stuff. We like your pro-american communist propaganda. We like your
philosophical explorations. We like your poems, your laughter, your sorrow. We
want you. Please, come with us. We will take care of you."
yeah... I think that'd fix me.
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--- #15 fediverse/3846 ---
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║ │
║ │
║ @user-1074 │
║ │
║ today I had someone ask me for an apology. They've asked several times before, │
║ and each time I've only been able to give them a half-apology - I apologized │
║ for being persistent, but not for being impulsive, and that wasn't good enough. │
║ │
║ I can't help being impulsive! I'm adventurous! I crave excitement and joy! │
║ │
║ But I'm sorry that I pushed him too hard. I'm sorry I hurt him. And... │
║ apparently that's not good enough. He doesn't want me in his life, he can't │
║ fucking let it go. And he calls me selfish. Says I don't respect him, based on │
║ one night out of 5 years where I tried too hard to get him to enjoy life. │
║ │
║ I'm sorry I can't fix your depression, guy, but like, at least I tried. You │
║ could have at least tried the things I suggested. You could have at least │
║ tried to follow my advice. │
║ │
║ whatever. │
║ │
║ *it was literally just a walk in the park* │
║ │
║ ... anyway I am often wrong. I often correct my past self. I always apologize │
║ for hurting people, but I never apologize for doing what I believe is right. │
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--- #16 fediverse/3773 ---
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no adhd meds, but yes different antipsychotic
he made a very convincing argument that consisted primarily of "why don't we
try a different type of the same thing" yeah that makes sense
also he seemed quite happy that I quit cannabis for a while. I guess he's
working for THEM lol
(who's them?)
of course, the ones who want to keep me from my DIVINE DESTINY or whatever.
Airquotes. ugh I need to get over myself, it's just fucking weed, right?
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--- #17 fediverse/6038 ---
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my worst impulse is to sit around and do nothing when there could be weed that
I was smoking
gotta be ready in-case things go south... I'm a witch, after all. who better
to call to the spirits drawn to conflict and strife, bothing them and saying
"hey, pay attention to me and my life?"
it's not like time is wasted for them. they are an orientation, not a
lifeform. time is no consequence when they can be anywhere at once.
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--- #18 notes/I-want-to-feel-good ---
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I want to feel good about what I do
I'm going to stop caring that someone is watching
and just... do what I want to do
as if I'm not paralyzed by something besides fear
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--- #19 fediverse/3122 ---
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@user-999
whenever I am, I feel ashamed.
whenever I'm not, I feel guilty.
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--- #20 fediverse/6362 ---
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@user-1924
any advice for putting something out of my mind, given that thinking about it
isn't really constructive right now?
re-read a book that you haven't picked up in a long while
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--- #21 fediverse/2104 ---
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@user-192
oooooo yeah I usually try and reply to my old post with any new information. I
never get the chance to think the same thoughts twice because when I was
younger I had problems with thought-loops where I'd think something like "darn
I could have handled that social situation better" and before you know it I'd
be rocking myself to sleep trying to stop thinking negative thoughts about
myself.
So I broke my brain a little and now I can't think the same thing more than
once, which is part of why it's so hard for me to finish projects. Alas.
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--- #22 fediverse/4769 ---
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nobody ever tells me to stop, they just tell me to relax. to take care of
myself. to be whole and healthy. that kind of thing...
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--- #23 fediverse/4810 ---
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I can type my thoughts 1000x more coherently than I can speak them. Hence why
I post here.
feels useless to speak 1on1 - feels insular to speak to a group. Hence why I
speak here, which is totally public that anyone might see, and somehow I feel
so much more productive engaging in an endless conversation with myself.
you can't win a war by walking in circles...
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--- #24 fediverse/5452 ---
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I never rest. Not mentally. I find it sooooo much harder to get moving again
once I'm asleep.
But I've been sleeping lately, because it's "good for me" or whatever. Because
I'm "burnt out and need to heal" or something.
Damnit why is it so much harder to stop snuggling someone than it is to pack
up a tent?
I'm like the guy in Hot Fuzz, that one really good movie about cops. oops cops
mentioned one second.
I'm always moving, but, I hardly ever seem to be able to get anything done.
Why is that? Is the work just... endless? Am I ever a slave to my
surroundings? Or am I just cursed with a mortal form, a form destined to toil
in whatever way it finds itself contextualized in?
Maybe I should just stop complaining. Maybe work is it's own reward or
whatever. I don't think I'm depressed anymore, although good luck getting me
to feel any emotions except focus, and the call to intercede on another's
behalf.
I don't have time for this. >.
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--- #25 notes/what-are-breakups-for ---
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listen... if you break up with a friend, OF COURSE you should cry.
OF COURSE you'll be sad.
it's okay.
it's natural. it's human.
don't feel sad about the pain. feel the pain.
brb getting smashed
(okay but please put some clothes on)
-.- fine
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I can't fucking relax
the only thing I can think of is defeating fascism
this fucking sucks
I just want to cry about my boyfriend of what, 6 years??
jeez
like.... yeah I'm flawed
*of course* I'm flawed
I'm a human being
humans are imperfect
... ugh
er, sorry, "bleurg"
I'm going to eat a burrito
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alright ate an edible. 20mg. had 2 beers. that's enough for me.
see ya soon. I swear to you, I will be there tomorrow. and every day
henceforth.
... unless I'm taking a day off, like yesterday, which TBH was probably not
ideal.
I swear I'll be better.
there are no false starts, only probing strikes.
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--- #26 fediverse/3661 ---
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@user-1352
improving your environment?
learning a new skill?
reaching out to an old friend?
visiting someplace new?
trying a new recipe?
watching something from your backlist?
... surely not *working*, or doing the thing that you're *supposed* to be
doing, that would just be *productive* after all
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--- #27 fediverse/5995 ---
image.png╔════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════──────────────┐
║ a couple months after the fourth or fifth time I did weed, I broke up with the │
║ cutest girl I knew. She's still pretty cute. │
║ │
║ might be correlation, but I feel like my fate decided I should roam. │
║ │
║ all over the dang place. │
║ │
║ I lived in Philadelphia for a year, just in-time to see the Black Live Matter │
║ protests and *nothing else*, well, nothing except some fatherhood ghosts. │
║ Don't worry they're still where. │
║ │
║ Now I live in Portland, just in-time for like 3 years of paranoia and suddenly │
║ a witch showing everyone that you don't have to worry about being pwned │
║ │
║ I like sailing! I wonder where the future goes next? Maybe I'll go to the │
║ mountains. Maybe I'll live with a scientist. Maybe I'll write an award winning │
║ computer program [see image for more] │
║ │
║ I wish I had more compute... my hard drive are too full for more videos, guess │
║ that means my youtube channel's been banned │
║ │
║ well, good thing there's like 800 copies of my work on a dataserver farm │
║ somewhere, each time I analyze a poem it sends the page there. very repeated │
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--- #28 fediverse/800 ---
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║ ┌───────────────────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: re: scary - suicide mentioned │ │
║ └───────────────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ where was I? oh yes - wrestling with suicidal thoughts is difficult because │
║ it's such an immutable action. Like, once it's done it's never reversed. But │
║ like, clearly this is hell and life was built for suffering? What the heck, │
║ that's such a grim outlook on life. │
║ │
║ ... │
║ │
║ yeah │
║ │
║ ... │
║ │
║ you're not wrong │
║ │
║ ... │
║ │
║ but suffering is fun? kinda? like, the only positive way to view this is that │
║ we, as immortal and endlessly eternal spirits that we be, grew tired of our │
║ infinite existence and dreamed of a mortal's plight and persistence? │
║ │
║ fuck off with that shit, I'm done with this reality. I'm done with dreaming. │
║ Suicide doesn't come easy to me, and there are parts of me that REFUSE the │
║ imagery, and yet they subsist in deliterious pain. │
║ │
║ what's the purpose of our suffering? What point is there in decrying the │
║ cruelty of the world that would deny our fated and desired ptolemeny? [utopian │
║ existence, don't know why that word was used] │
║ │
║ ehhhhh whatever. Life is defined by our existence. If I shan't/ │
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--- #29 fediverse/1292 ---
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┌────────────────────────────────┐
│ CW: re: mental health question │
└────────────────────────────────┘
@user-78
anhedonia perhaps? the difficulty of identifying or feeling emotions? (emojis
as you put them)
you shouldn't overexpose yourself to things regularly. Think of it like you're
slowly adjusting your body to a poison - you need to start out slowly to build
up a tolerance. In the same way if things make your heart hurt then you
shouldn't expose yourself to too many of them all at once - face the darkness
you find, but only enough to contrast with your bright.
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--- #30 fediverse/1818 ---
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my previous job didn't do anything to harm me. And yet I left. I let them down
in a way they could not have expected. Which was unfair of me, but I couldn't
resist it. I don't know what I'd do better.
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--- #31 fediverse/1657 ---
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║ ┌───────────────────────────┐ │
║ │ CW: re: what, mh shitpost │ │
║ └───────────────────────────┘ │
║ │
║ │
║ @user-1052 │
║ │
║ also, I can't exactly teach myself. There's no knowledge to pass on. So the │
║ only other thing I can do is punish myself, like a slap on the wrist saying │
║ "nope not like that, here's a free negative emotion at just the right spot in │
║ time so you can push off of it toward the better direction." │
║ │
║ Doesn't have to be physical pain btw. My piano teacher would get *really* into │
║ the music because she used to teach at Juliard and it was the most beautiful │
║ thing in the world to always be hearing music. But now in the present as a │
║ piano teacher she's hearing, y'know, mostly students, and they're great and │
║ beautiful but... they mostly just play other people's stuff, and not very │
║ well. sigh. │
║ │
║ ... anyway she'd get really into it and I'd watch with intense acuity to try │
║ and determine when I messed up. Every slight wince I knew I had to avoid, and │
║ I instinctively adjusted my behavior to learn as well as I tried. │
║ │
║ she called me a prodigy. I suck now because I got scared of playing music │
║ because I │
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--- #32 notes/reasonable-thems ---
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it is okay, normal, and natural to break down sometimes when under intense
stress or friction. However, if others are relying on you, then breaking down
implies that you are breaking them as well. Reasonable "them"s will notice that
you are bearing too great of burdens, and will alleviate your pain. Reasonable
"them"s will not blame your breaking down, or their let-down fate. If you
didn't
want to be let down, abandoned, or falsely promised aid, then you shouldn't
have
needed help in the first place. Tune your expectations lower if you don't want
to rely on ambiguously helpful or inconsistently available partners in
reliance.
I feel like I am about to shatter. Kinda wanna go back to 2002 and sit in the
shade and drink kool-aid in a house that'd today feel like a tiny brick and
mortar with no A/C but at least the sprinkler's running.
Maybe I'll turn into a carrot. Or a wiggly snake with silly eyes and a grin. Or
maybe I'll coalesce into a diamond, and project my form mentally like they do
in Steven Universe.
... what happened to all the color in the world? girl it's just summer.
YEAH. IT'S SUMMER. WHERE IS THE GREEN.
you forgot, what 2026 means.
... right, it's apparently my duty to smoke weed. "but it's so hard" get over
it
life is
hard
*crosses arms* no way, nuh-uh, I refuse to lose. "you can't just refuse the
game
it's not fair to the others"
yeah well not only did I not consent to play, but also life is NOT a game, and
you're too caught up in winning or losing to consider that maybe, JUST MAYBE,
we
should, I dunno, NOT
...
...?
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--- #33 notes/smoke-weed-every-day ---
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... why, so it stops being fun, and starts feeling hard?
but, everything else is already hard, and it's easier while stoned.
so, aren't you really just making everything easy, by being stoned all the
time?
well... no it just sucks energy from your emotions and planning and other
stuff and it reduces the magic mana benefits with long-term usage and
application. so you gotta be careful about things or else you'll wind up
with a lot of disorientation and befuddlement.
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